Postnatal depression - partner says I'm "always moaning"

[babyblues21]

I have a 7 week old baby. I've been struggling with PND since her birth. My partner works long shifts and I feel like I barely see him. This morning before he left for work I was offloading some of how I feel every day and I just felt he wasn't listening to me, so I said I feel like you're not listening. And he replied "it just feels like you're always moaning about something". I almost walked out and left him to deal with the baby for the day so he can see what it's like and understand why I feel that way. I have no family support either and I'm sometimes on my own for very long days. He then also said that its all "one sided" because I never ask about his day at work. That's because my head and emotions are so overwhelmed I can't think straight most days by the time he's home and he's often the only adult I've had a conversation with all day. Should I ask about his day more? Am I just moaning when I should be able to get on with it and just be a mum?

Feel like just packing the baby up and leaving as I can't be arsed being around him when he gets home. But I have nowhere to go really.

@CinnabarRed

I had terribly bad PND with my two.

The thing that made a huge difference for me was taking Sertraline, which is compatible with breastfeeding. I just needed the help from taking anti-depressants before I could properly engage in talking therapies.

In each case I took Sertraline for short, measured periods - 12 months each time, as I recall. No issue with addiction, no issue coming off them because by that point my PND was controlled. Haven’t needed or wanted ADs for years and years (the DCs are now 13 and 11).

Would you consider something like that?

I would definitely consider medication yes

Glad to hear you’re seeking more help, my DH worked long hours and it can be soul destroying to be in your own with a screaming new born.
However I’m saying this in kindness, there’s not a lot he can physically do to help you with this as I assume he has to go out to work? It’s very tough on you, but what can he do to help you through this? Is there anything you can ask of him to make it better for you?
I think you need to seek help from professional medical sources. I’m not trying to excuse your husband from rudeness but I have first hand experience of dealing with a depressed partner and eventually you do tune out to a certain extent as the stream of negativity seems relentless.

@Mellonsprite

Glad to hear you’re seeking more help, my DH worked long hours and it can be soul destroying to be in your own with a screaming new born. However I’m saying this in kindness, there’s not a lot he can physically do to help you with this as I assume he has to go out to work? It’s very tough on you, but what can he do to help you through this? Is there anything you can ask of him to make it better for you? I think you need to seek help from professional medical sources. I’m not trying to excuse your husband from rudeness but I have first hand experience of dealing with a depressed partner and eventually you do tune out to a certain extent as the stream of negativity seems relentless.

I have professionals helping me.

I don't know what else he could do - I suppose in the absence of practical support it's just having an outlet and feeling listened to and understood. That's what I need from him I think.

Ok, I saw a tip on here and I’ve been using it with my partner, I say ‘do you just want to vent or are you asking me for help to think of a solution for this?’.
How would you feel if he said that to you? It helps me understand what DP is looking for from me. Sometimes DP just wants to vent, and Im probably guilty of ‘tuning out’ a bit or if he wants to discuss something we will.

@Mellonsprite

Ok, I saw a tip on here and I’ve been using it with my partner, I say ‘do you just want to vent or are you asking me for help to think of a solution for this?’. How would you feel if he said that to you? It helps me understand what DP is looking for from me. Sometimes DP just wants to vent, and Im probably guilty of ‘tuning out’ a bit or if he wants to discuss something we will.

If he said this it would be really helpful actually. I've actually even said to him at times I'm not asking you to do anything, I just want to feel heard and validated. Because a typical pattern will be, I'll be offloading something about my day, he will start saying something like "well I don't know what you want me to do about that, I have to work" etc. And I'm thinking (and sometimes saying) I don't want you to do anything. I just want empathy and understanding, and a safe space to get it all out!

The constant crying and lack of sleep is torture. The back pain from rocking and carrying a distressed baby is miserable. Not being able to make a cup of tea or a meal, go to the toilet, have a shower without feeling desperately guilty about the screaming baby is awful. It makes the PND worse.

Yes, of course it makes the PND worse, but my point is more that a less grumpy baby won't necessarily make it disappear either, the key thing is that support and treatment for your PND is needed OP.

Most people have bad days sometimes, have a little cry, get a bit anxious about something, and in feeling solidarity about that I think it's easy for you to think that how you are feeling is just what it's like with a young baby, it'll pass etc.

To me, it sounds like you need some quite urgent and intensive MH support, medication etc. Obviously yes, try to get to the bottom of why your baby cries as well, but finding some form of treatment for the PND I think is your priority. Perhaps with your partner helping you. It's clear that you need more than talking therapy. Have you discussed going on medication with your doctor?

I had tears reading your posts and am touched at your kindness, given what you're going through. She was a brilliant person, kind, capable, loving - no one who knew her would ever have thought this could happen to her, that PND could bring her so low. I've no doubt that you're a lovely, brilliant person too. What you're experiencing is no reflection on you, I promise you that.
She was in that dark place and it stole her, really. I say to people that though she took her life, it was really the illness that took her from herself. You are so courageous to open up. Keep going, hour by hour.
And I mean it, stay in touch, please, if you want to. I promise you that there are people who understand the depths of what you're in and know you're not at fault (or 'moaning' in any way). You're fighting a very real battle - and it's much, much harder than words can express, I'm sure.
Sending you love.

@endofthelinefinally

Ruaille, I am so, so sorry to hear your experience. If OP was anywhere near me I would be there like a shot. Just a bit of practical help could make a difference.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

[quote billy1966]@Ruaille

I am so sorry to read that.
How completely heartbreaking.

I can't think of anything harder that trying to recover from a traumatic birth and having to deal with a crying baby and little sleep.

Likewise a cesarean.
Huge abdominal surgery to then have to be up and at it, nightfeeds and lifting.
Unbelievable.

I know dozens of women from over the past 30 years that have said they have no doubt that they had low level PND for up to two years afterwards.
Some of them attribute it to not having any more children.
A huge number were encouraged to buck up and get on with it.

A couple of very serious cases were dealt with medically but many were not.[/quote]
Thank you for your kindness.

Be kind to yourself OP. Everything you are experiencing and feeling is totally normal, so although not pleasant, it's ok to do so. You can't rush things. This is one of the biggest changes in your life and it takes time. Your body will -mostly- recover, and so will your emotional stability but it is still early days. Remember that it will get better, it really will.

The reasons why men find it hard to hear it all is because they have it in them to think that they should try to fix it all, and their helplessness make them feel guilty. Do try to talk to him about how you feel, but make it clear to him that you are not looking to him to make it all better, just that talking about it, even maybe trying to see if you can laugh a bit about it all will take the pressure away from him and likely make him more receptive.

I just wrote a long reply which disappeared completely, so apologies if this appears twice!

As someone who suffered bad PND twice, I wanted to express my absolute sympathy and also to echo a pp who suggested that medication could help.

My children were born in the 80s, when PND was less well understood and accepted. My husband, who was (and still is) great was completely involved in childcare etc but had a blind spot about his hobby, which he'd been doing since childhood and which had always taken him out of the house every weekend for at least one day and often for two. He couldn't understand how anguished I felt (severely depressed and by then back at work full time) when he disappeared from dawn to dusk, living that part of his life exactly as it had been before, whereas I felt absolutely bereft. The implication was that I was being selfish, but what I actually was, was desperate. He got it eventually, but it took a loooong time and I've never forgotten how it made me feel, even though he now says he can't believe he acted as he did. I know how it is not to feel 'seen'.

I took the antidepressants available at the time, but these just made me feel like I'd been hit over the head. By the time our second child was born, Prozac had been introduced and it was a game-changer for me. Not a total 'cure' and the side effects were rotten at first, but the difference it made was profound. I took Prozac for a couple of years, I think, then gave up gradually with no prob;em. 30-odd years on, ADs are so much better than the Prozac era, with different sorts (e.g Sertraline) to try if necessary. You may decide not to go down that route, but it's something to consider.

Either way, I hope things will improve for you soon.

He couldn't understand how anguished I felt (severely depressed and by then back at work full time) when he disappeared from dawn to dusk, living that part of his life exactly as it had been before, whereas I felt absolutely bereft. The implication was that I was being selfish, but what I actually was, was desperate.

I can relate to this. I really don't think anyone who hasn't suffered with PND can ever truly understand how it feels. Desperate is such a good description.

Thank you to those who have posted supportive replies - your kindness has touched me.

My partner was like that. He switched off when he went back to work. I remember i was so desperate, baby wouldnt stop crying and i called by his work. It was lunch time and he ignored me and our crying baby and left us outside whilst i could see him in the canteen chatting with his friends. I asked if he heard our baby crying and he just said, yes. And that was that.

@LunaLula83

My partner was like that. He switched off when he went back to work. I remember i was so desperate, baby wouldnt stop crying and i called by his work. It was lunch time and he ignored me and our crying baby and left us outside whilst i could see him in the canteen chatting with his friends. I asked if he heard our baby crying and he just said, yes. And that was that.

That's absolutely awful 😥
I hope you are feeling better now x

I think that life with a new constantly crying baby is awful.

But DH is at work all day - I can't see what he can do really.
Perhaps ask him when he comes home to look after baby for half an hour while you have a walk.
Or both of you take baby out in the pram for an hour. He can carry her if she is distressed.
You are both in a difficult situation where you lives are turned upside down and suddenly you don't matter much - only baby's welbeing does.
I would look for paying a babysitter for an hour a week/ every other day. Just to let you breathe and have a break.
I've been in your position - it is very sad that my early memories of DC1 are sad and lonely. Def pay someone to help you.

Then go out for a bit for a coffee.
Things will get better soon.

How are you doing@babyblues21?