Postnatal depression - partner says I'm "always moaning"

[babyblues21]

I have a 7 week old baby. I've been struggling with PND since her birth. My partner works long shifts and I feel like I barely see him. This morning before he left for work I was offloading some of how I feel every day and I just felt he wasn't listening to me, so I said I feel like you're not listening. And he replied "it just feels like you're always moaning about something". I almost walked out and left him to deal with the baby for the day so he can see what it's like and understand why I feel that way. I have no family support either and I'm sometimes on my own for very long days. He then also said that its all "one sided" because I never ask about his day at work. That's because my head and emotions are so overwhelmed I can't think straight most days by the time he's home and he's often the only adult I've had a conversation with all day. Should I ask about his day more? Am I just moaning when I should be able to get on with it and just be a mum?

Feel like just packing the baby up and leaving as I can't be arsed being around him when he gets home. But I have nowhere to go really.

Also his shifts are so long some days (inc some weekends) that I'm starting to feel basically like a single mum. Which isn't what I signed up for. Does anyone else feel this way on mat leave? Is it just me? It's getting me down so much. I wanted us to share this experience as much as possible and I feel so on my own with it so much of the time.

PND is awful, but it really does sound as if your baby is suffering from reflux/allergies/intolerance and this needs to be investigated asap.
Did you have a difficult delivery?
I only realised years later that my first baby (who was very unsettled and poor sleeper) probably had some damage to his neck from a very traumatic delivery. He always had neck and jaw problems.

Honestly, if your everyday reality is collapsing on the floor sobbing, then I think you need to have a talk with your MH team about you getting extra support or increase medications or something, and there's no shame in that.

Any suggestions that we may have about getting out more, going to groups, taking a walk, seeing if your baby has got any intolerances etc, are all a drip in the ocean. It sounds like you aren't struggling with a tricky baby (baby might be tricky, I'm not disputing that), but the primary issue to sort isn't the baby, but your mental health right now. It sounds like you need some quite intensive input to get that back on track.

This isn't about finding having a baby hard, it's about having a baby (and all the weird hormonal overdrive that comes with that) setting severe PND off. That needs treating first x

My DH was working very long hours and I had an interfering, very critical MIL. It was dreadful and I feel so sad looking back.
I hope you get some answers.

I had terribly bad PND with my two.

The thing that made a huge difference for me was taking Sertraline, which is compatible with breastfeeding. I just needed the help from taking anti-depressants before I could properly engage in talking therapies.

In each case I took Sertraline for short, measured periods - 12 months each time, as I recall. No issue with addiction, no issue coming off them because by that point my PND was controlled. Haven’t needed or wanted ADs for years and years (the DCs are now 13 and 11).

Would you consider something like that?

I don't agree Babyboomtastic.
The constant crying and lack of sleep is torture. The back pain from rocking and carrying a distressed baby is miserable. Not being able to make a cup of tea or a meal, go to the toilet, have a shower without feeling desperately guilty about the screaming baby is awful. It makes the PND worse.

@babyblues21 You'll get there! You're doing a great job by the sounds of it

ASDA do a bed time bubble bath (purple bottle) and the matching oil that we use for our daughter. We don't have the TV on for her last bottle and once cuddles and story time is finished, we go put her straight in her cot with her comforter and dummy. We've always stayed in the room but never sit with her and she usually nods off. It hasn't always been like this though.

Your DH will be finding it hard. I remember the first few weeks really losing my patience with my husband as I felt like he had it easy going to work. He then admitted that he finds it very hard as he wants to spend as much time with her as I do.

You can always message me if you need to

Any suggestions that we may have about getting out more, going to groups, taking a walk, seeing if your baby has got any intolerances etc, are all a drip in the ocean.

Yes the OP absolutely needs mental health support which she is getting. But no one is ever going to be okay mentally if they have to listen to a screaming baby all day so it needs addressing. If you haven’t had this situation I don’t think you could understand.

Glad you’re contacting the doctor about your little one OP- I hope it goes well and you are able to get some suggestions as to what could be wrong. My little girl was still very hard work after we sorted the dairy allergy but luckily she’s an amazing toddler! The baby stage is so hard but you will both get through it.

Irrespective of your mental health, crying all the time really isn’t normal for a baby. Have you spoken to your GP or HV to try get to the bottom of it? If weight gain is ok and there are no concerns with your supply then I’d be thinking silent reflux and/or cows milk protein allergy are possible culprits. A friend of mine had a similar experience with her second baby and hypoallergenic formula solved it, almost overnight. Don’t let the HCP fob you off and make it about your mental health, all the professional help in the world for you won’t fix things if you’ve got a non sleeping baby screaming at you all hours of the day and night. That would be enough to break anyone.

A good, strong, supportive sling might help. They weren't around when my DC were born, but I have seen mums using the stretchy ones to carry the baby on their backs and they look perfect for refluxy babies that hate lying flat. At least you would have your hands free to make a cuppa. Maybe that would be a start?

You're getting some crappy answers because this is AIBU. I think some are missing that you have PND and its not just regular new mum worries.
Unless your partner has some kind of depression or anxiety himself then he needs to take the rough end atm and not expect equal "lets talk about how difficult our day was".

A joint session with your counsellor sounds like a good idea.
Hope things get easier for you

I am reading this a couple of months down the line from losing a dearly loved sister in law to this insidious illness.

She was not the world's shittest mother and NOR ARE YOU. I promise. The fact that you are concerned about harm coming to your baby shows that you are not.

She was a fab mum, did great through her first pregnancy and early years of motherhood only to be hit by PND after a traumatic second birth, left with prolapse, and her baby had severe reflux before being identified as having a cow's milk protein allergy. (Diagnosed at about four months, but I don't know how early it's possible to test.) Baby cried constantly due to her discomfort, and couldn't be put down for long.

Our family is small and at a distance from one another and on top of this, lockdown, and little access to social interaction.

SIL sought some therapy but I don't know how honest she will have been about the depth of her feelings. The inquest we're awaiting may reveal something of that.

We, her brother and I, didn't know at all. (I feel like the world's shittest sister in law.) If we had, I'd have gone and not left her side.

Instead, she put a brace face on, so to speak. (She was inclined that way, but it was always a façade, it seems.) We hadn't seen her for months because of Covid. I think we might have seen the cracks if we'd been able to visit.

It's brave to do what you're doing, vocalise how you're feeling to your partner, MH professionals and us. Don't be afraid to say you need more help, please. Depending on where you are in the country, there may be some residential care for you and baby. I will wish every day of my life that she had sought more help, more support.

Her partner was supportive as best he knew how, but clearly didn't get it in the way he now does, sadly. He's now raising two tiny children alone.

Yes, it's tough living with someone with depression but this is a whole different thing. This is a torrent of hormones that fluctuate wildly, combined with caring for a newborn, combined with losing touch with your sense of self, your relationship changing overnight, and more. In a pandemic too. You shouldn't feel bad for this - you've not chosen this.

I'm of the belief, now bereaved, that PND needs to be monitored very, very closely and considered a potential crisis situation.

I really don't want to frighten you (or anyone else) but I think you may already know you're at risk of sinking further. Some of the things you've said have echoes of a message she left and the phrases she searched online - things we discovered after the fact.

You are a good mum. You are doing your best. What you are feeling is understandable. It isn't the 'baby blues', despite your username. That downplays it. It's clearly a lot harder than that.
If you haven't already, search for a PND support group. You need to know it's not just you. Please, please don't be afraid of judgement.

If you want to PM me for support, please do. I live in Hertfordshire, if you're anywhere near and I can be of practical help, please say.

^ brave face not brace.

So when he asks how my day has been, are you suggesting I should just relay the brief good parts where baby smiled at me, or when I got out for a walk. The parts where I sobbed uncontrollably on the floor in the other room just to have a break from the constant crying, or had a panic attack whilst driving at the thought of her not breathing, or tried to fight off yet more thoughts of being the shittest mother in the world... should I just leave those parts out? I mean they make up around 80% of my day, so. I'd be leaving out a lot.

Of course not. You need and deserve support. My sister had PND, she is an amazing mother but couldn't see it and she went through such an ordeal, we did our best to support her but in the end it is such a lonely path at the time. She's now in a great place, and hopefully you'll be like her and look back with amazement at how strong you are and how you can get through.

What I am saying is that your DH is a human person too, and that while it is so much worse to be depressed, that it is also very hard to support someone depressed. It sounds like you don't have family or friends around, which means that day to day he is working, he is doing night feeds (because you say that on the practical side he is trying hard), he is feeling helpless to support you - he also needs to make sure that he has some boundaries or hell break too and you'll both be in an even harder spot. So yes, I'm saying that he is allowed to be frustrated and sad that this is happening, just like you are. Is he in touch with his family? With a support group for people whose partners have depression, or a counsellor of his own?
Stepping outside your current position, you must be able to see that the current situation is not sustainable for any of you. If 80% of every day is like this you need to talk to your mental health team more often than once a week and if you aren't already, look at medication, because this is a crisis and you deserve to feel better, so does your baby, and your dh is not going to be able to support you and your baby alone, you all need more support.

Ruaille, I am so, so sorry to hear your experience.
If OP was anywhere near me I would be there like a shot. Just a bit of practical help could make a difference.

@Ruaille

I am so sorry to read that.
How completely heartbreaking.

I can't think of anything harder that trying to recover from a traumatic birth and having to deal with a crying baby and little sleep.

Likewise a cesarean.
Huge abdominal surgery to then have to be up and at it, nightfeeds and lifting.
Unbelievable.

I know dozens of women from over the past 30 years that have said they have no doubt that they had low level PND for up to two years afterwards.
Some of them attribute it to not having any more children.
A huge number were encouraged to buck up and get on with it.

A couple of very serious cases were dealt with medically but many were not.

If the crying really is constant then you need to push for her to be checked. Could be reflux or allergies.
Do you have a decent baby carrier? If not, get one. I fed my youngest in it as she hates it lying down!
She may settle easier near you and it is easier than a pram once you get the hang of it. Anything that allows you both a little relief will help.
Your baby is still very little. It does get easier.
Would it help to establish your own routine? I.e out of the house for a walk at 10am every day? While I totally understand why you want to stay in bed, getting settled down only to be disturbed again is more torturous than giving up on it sometimes. A bit of external stimulation will be good for both of you and she may start sleeping a bit longer for naps so you can also rest

OP, sorry about your PND buf i agred with others that you need to check baby's health.

If babies are healthy they normally cry only when they are hungry or wet. It's exhausting for them to cry all the time too and usually there are reasons why they cry and that should be investigated.

Sorry I mean these comments in addition to mental health support but the need for that has already been covered well

I see someone has mentioned a milk allergy/ intolerance but I think the best person to contact for this is your HV.
My GP was useless when I went to him about DD and basically told me that that allergy did not exist.
It was my HV who referred me to the pediatric dietician who then helped me deal with it. By this time I had already figured that any dairy I had made her extremely uncomfortable and she constantly cried and screamed until 3am.
Please contact your HV and also try and knock out dairy from your diet for a few days
They say it takes a few weeks but honestly by day 3 my DD was a different baby.

@Ruaille

I am reading this a couple of months down the line from losing a dearly loved sister in law to this insidious illness.

She was not the world's shittest mother and NOR ARE YOU. I promise. The fact that you are concerned about harm coming to your baby shows that you are not.

She was a fab mum, did great through her first pregnancy and early years of motherhood only to be hit by PND after a traumatic second birth, left with prolapse, and her baby had severe reflux before being identified as having a cow's milk protein allergy. (Diagnosed at about four months, but I don't know how early it's possible to test.) Baby cried constantly due to her discomfort, and couldn't be put down for long.

Our family is small and at a distance from one another and on top of this, lockdown, and little access to social interaction.

SIL sought some therapy but I don't know how honest she will have been about the depth of her feelings. The inquest we're awaiting may reveal something of that.

We, her brother and I, didn't know at all. (I feel like the world's shittest sister in law.) If we had, I'd have gone and not left her side.

Instead, she put a brace face on, so to speak. (She was inclined that way, but it was always a façade, it seems.) We hadn't seen her for months because of Covid. I think we might have seen the cracks if we'd been able to visit.

It's brave to do what you're doing, vocalise how you're feeling to your partner, MH professionals and us. Don't be afraid to say you need more help, please. Depending on where you are in the country, there may be some residential care for you and baby. I will wish every day of my life that she had sought more help, more support.

Her partner was supportive as best he knew how, but clearly didn't get it in the way he now does, sadly. He's now raising two tiny children alone.

Yes, it's tough living with someone with depression but this is a whole different thing. This is a torrent of hormones that fluctuate wildly, combined with caring for a newborn, combined with losing touch with your sense of self, your relationship changing overnight, and more. In a pandemic too. You shouldn't feel bad for this - you've not chosen this.

I'm of the belief, now bereaved, that PND needs to be monitored very, very closely and considered a potential crisis situation.

I really don't want to frighten you (or anyone else) but I think you may already know you're at risk of sinking further. Some of the things you've said have echoes of a message she left and the phrases she searched online - things we discovered after the fact.

You are a good mum. You are doing your best. What you are feeling is understandable. It isn't the 'baby blues', despite your username. That downplays it. It's clearly a lot harder than that.
If you haven't already, search for a PND support group. You need to know it's not just you. Please, please don't be afraid of judgement.

If you want to PM me for support, please do. I live in Hertfordshire, if you're anywhere near and I can be of practical help, please say.

I am so, so sorry to hear about your sister in law. I am reading your message with tears rolling down my face. Thank you - so much - for just understanding where I am at.

GP has prescribed medication for potential reflux

Thank you so much for all your offers of practical help. Honestly - it's so lovely. I feel blown away by the kindness of strangers right now x

@endofthelinefinally

I don't agree Babyboomtastic. The constant crying and lack of sleep is torture. The back pain from rocking and carrying a distressed baby is miserable. Not being able to make a cup of tea or a meal, go to the toilet, have a shower without feeling desperately guilty about the screaming baby is awful. It makes the PND worse.

Yes all of this

@MrsVeryTired

You're getting some crappy answers because this is AIBU. I think some are missing that you have PND and its not just regular new mum worries. Unless your partner has some kind of depression or anxiety himself then he needs to take the rough end atm and not expect equal "lets talk about how difficult our day was".

A joint session with your counsellor sounds like a good idea.
Hope things get easier for you

He doesn't have depression that I know of.