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Original poster

Another “Child Free” wedding one

452 replies

SarBear2021 · 06/06/2021 22:41

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

  1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)
  1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.
  1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

OP posts:
SuperMonkeys · 07/06/2021 22:00

Regardless of feeding, I wouldn't leave my child of that age. Full stop.

So any solution would have to involve the child coming or being nearby. Perhaps husband coming, not attending the wedding and then you only doing the minimum you need to before returning to them?

Or I would decline. You cannot magic this out of thin air, and it is unreasonable of her to expect you to.

SuperMonkeys · 07/06/2021 22:01

How is 9/12 months extended feeding? Perfectly normal term feeding. If it has only just been said that babies can't attend, then they couldn't make plans previously.

Volcanoexplorer · 07/06/2021 22:03

I think the bride is being unreasonable here. It’s not like she’s having a completely child free wedding. Surely one more won’t make much difference? I don’t know why some people have to make things so difficult. I think you’re probably going to have to tell her you’re not going and can’t be her MoH. It’s her fault though for being so inflexible.

Aprilwasverywet · 07/06/2021 22:08

9 months isn't extended bf surely?
Average imo.

MustardRose · 07/06/2021 22:10

@BackforGood

Surely the 'family' children only rule could be extended to include the breastfed babe of the MoH and groomsman?

See, since you have added in the information that your dh also has a role in the wedding party, I don't understand why you both accepted the roles in the first place. Presumably you knew your were planning extended breast feeding. So how did you ever think you were going to do this ? How can your dh be doing his ushering duties and you your bridesmaiding role whilst looking after a baby (who is likely to be crawling by then and potentially on their feet and feasibly even toddling) ? Confused
How has this not occurred to your sooner?
If you knew you were not going to be able to leave your little one, then in your head you must, all along, have been thinking you would take them, so what were you planning on doing with them before and during the ceremony when you would be doing the jobs you've agreed to do ?

The wedding was arranged some time ago, and I'm assuming that it may well have been either postponed or the date rearranged, so that could be why there is now this issue.
JewelGarden · 07/06/2021 22:12

I wouldn't have left my formula fed baby for two nights at that age.

princessandthebaby · 07/06/2021 22:34

How we'll do you get on with her?

It seems unfair she's said only family children and also knowing your little one isn't welcome whilst telling you 'you will sort something'. That attitude is terrible.

I wouldn't have this view if it was no children but to invite some and not include moh child- a baby clearly dependant on mum seems spiteful. Wonder if she just doesn't want a 'baby' there.

I would actually be telling her that you've thought about it very much and obviously baby is most important and comes first so you won't be there.

I would never have left my 1 year bf baby for a night never mind 2!

SamanthaVimes · 07/06/2021 22:41

I’m feeding my 11 month old and have a hen do coming up. It’s a whole weekend thing but I’ve said to the bride I can only come for the Saturday ( I’ll drive down and back on the same day)

I cannot pump at all, have never gotten a single drop and tried all the tricks and multiple pumps. Hand expressing not much better, a few drops if I’m lucky but not reliable. My boobs just don’t work for things that aren’t my baby!

My friend completely understands and even said she’d understand if I couldn’t make it at all (I’m a bridesmaid)

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your friend and maybe explain how breastfeeding / mastitis works (I certainly didn’t know before I had my baby). If she’s a real friend she’ll help you come up with a solution. If she expects you to wean just for her wedding she’s not a very good friend.

billy1966 · 07/06/2021 22:50

I think "I'm sure you will sort something out" to be appallingly rude and would have me inclined to say"eh no I actually I can't, so won't make it".

I appreciate I got martied as did my friends in the 90's but bloody hell we wereall so considerate of eachother and their circumstances.

The idea that your breastfeeding baby can be sorted out is so flipping rude.

Don't stress about it.
Just don't go.

BackforGood · 07/06/2021 22:56

SuperMonkeys and Aprilwasverywet

The OP's little one is 9 months now, and the weddings is "in a few months"

I can only go by personal experience of knowing dozens upon dozens upon dozens of babies, only one of whom was breastfed past the age or 1. Indeed, in my experience, past about 6 months. However whether it is unusual or not, the point still remains. I can't understand how both parents have ever expected to take roles in a wedding party whilst at the same time looking after an active baby / toddler.
@Mustard Rose - good point about the date being rearranged, but once you knew you were being asked to take part in something you can't do with a baby, you would explain to the BG, surely? I mean, it isn't like a 9 month old baby has suddenly just appeared - the OP and her dh have clearly known about it for best part of 18months now.

DancyNancy · 07/06/2021 23:14

You've 3 months to practice pumping and see if you can make it work for you, , or decide not to go Flowers she has her choices and you have yours.

DancyNancy · 07/06/2021 23:17

Or just head away early and come back to hotel to baba. So get the ceremony and dinner but go then. Might be a nice compromise. Or would minder drive to you to feed baby in the car..........

MustardRose · 07/06/2021 23:24

@BackforGood The OP says that she agreed to be MoH a long time ago, before any of the wedding arrangements were finalised. Now the date has been set, the bride has more recently decided to make the wedding child-free. Perhaps if the OP had known that from the outset, she may have declined the invitation in the first place.

BackforGood · 07/06/2021 23:38

Yes, I know, but at some point, it must have occurred to the OP and her dh that, whenever the wedding was rearranged for, their circumstances have now changed from when they first agreed.

It's not that uncommon a thing to happen, that someone becomes pregnant after being asked to be a bridesmaid. At some point you think "Oh, what about the wedding". So there presumably - when the wedding got cancelled last year - there were conversations about the B&G going to try to rearrange for 2021. Whether they knew the month of the rearranged wedding 6 months ago or last week, the OP and her dh would be very aware that whatever month the wedding was in, they wouldn't be able to look after a baby (be it 9 months or 15 months) whilst both of them were doing their part in the roles they'd been asked to do.

B&G probably naively assumed by then they would be able to leave dc with Grandparents, but the OP and her dh being more aware of the aim to breastfeed until the little one is 2, or however long they are hoping for, must have presumed they would be taking the baby.
What I'm wondering is how you can be looking after a baby whilst both parents are simultaneously taking part in the ceremony.
So, once they realised they were expecting , I would have expected various chats with their friends to say "Of course this sadly means we won't be able to still do what we'd previously signed up to do, now the wedding has had to be pushed back and now we will be in the position of caring for a breastfed baby".

surreygirl1987 · 08/06/2021 00:18

"You read the whole thread and you missed that it's at least a 5 hour journey?"

@clymene why does that mean she can't go for just one night and miss the remainder? I'm not suggesting whizzing back and forth! It might be a compromise though, and mean she can actually attend.

AlmostSummer21 · 08/06/2021 00:26

She's having her wedding at her parents house including family children, but has made it clear you're not to bring your baby to her parents house?

WTF is she thinking. Tell her to ask one of her family to be moH.

Stupid, nasty, twat.

Billandben444 · 08/06/2021 06:42

She wants the day to be about her and not a bf disruptive toddler who grizzles through the ceremony distracting her MOH. I can see her point and I bet the children who are being allowed to attend are old enough to behave on the day. From the bride's pov, the OP's child isn't a babe in arms that depends entirely on its mother so if you can't come up with something you're comfortable with, decline the invitation.

MrsKoala · 08/06/2021 09:59

@JewelGarden

I wouldn't have left my formula fed baby for two nights at that age.
I also agree with this. The breastfeeding is a bit of a red herring. A just one/nearly one year old is a lot of looking after to expect from someone else for that length of time. My Mum may have done it for a daytime event and maybe one overnight for one of my boys (both self weaned at 8mo) but not for longer. But I don't know anyone else who would have had them at all other than my Mum, even for an hour or so at that age.

DD bfed every 2 hours till 3.2yo and there is no way I would have inflicted the horror of her on anyone! (she still asks for it now multiple times a day and she's 4.8yo Shock )

blacksax · 08/06/2021 13:55

@BackforGood

Yes, I know, but at some point, it must have occurred to the OP and her dh that, whenever the wedding was rearranged for, their circumstances have now changed from when they first agreed.

It's not that uncommon a thing to happen, that someone becomes pregnant after being asked to be a bridesmaid. At some point you think "Oh, what about the wedding". So there presumably - when the wedding got cancelled last year - there were conversations about the B&G going to try to rearrange for 2021. Whether they knew the month of the rearranged wedding 6 months ago or last week, the OP and her dh would be very aware that whatever month the wedding was in, they wouldn't be able to look after a baby (be it 9 months or 15 months) whilst both of them were doing their part in the roles they'd been asked to do.

B&G probably naively assumed by then they would be able to leave dc with Grandparents, but the OP and her dh being more aware of the aim to breastfeed until the little one is 2, or however long they are hoping for, must have presumed they would be taking the baby.
What I'm wondering is how you can be looking after a baby whilst both parents are simultaneously taking part in the ceremony.
So, once they realised they were expecting , I would have expected various chats with their friends to say "Of course this sadly means we won't be able to still do what we'd previously signed up to do, now the wedding has had to be pushed back and now we will be in the position of caring for a breastfed baby".

Perhaps it never occurred to the OP that the bride would recently decide on a child-free wedding, having not mentioned it before. After all, she had all the pregnancy and 9 months since the baby was born to say something, and she never did.
LookAtThatCritter · 08/06/2021 17:21

@MsTSwift

A baby is still a child Confused Not sure why you think it would be exempt just because it’s being BF. You don’t turn up to a child free wedding with a child of ANY age

Spaceshiphaslanded · 08/06/2021 17:28

I could never imagine telling my best friend this, nor her me!!

Seahorsemama · 08/06/2021 17:44

Exactly! Your baby should be welcome

kittycat863 · 08/06/2021 17:58

Child-free people have no idea how limiting having a child is, especially a baby, and people are just really selfish when it comes to weddings. The best solution, of course, is for her to come around and let you bring the baby. It would be nothing for her, and it would still be a pain for you, in all honesty, to travel there with a baby. I simply don't undertand why she won't give you this. Stand your ground.
If you can't win that fight, then perhaps you could start pumping a couple times a day a few weeks before you go so you could work it out? (Ignore me if that's silly, I didn't breastfeed mine for very long so really don't know).

kittycat863 · 08/06/2021 18:00

Oh and the difference is that OTHER people can duck out of a child-free wedding, but as the presumed MOH, you can't. So it's cruel.

lastcall · 08/06/2021 18:10

I would be frank and tell her you can no longer attend.

You were supposed to be the MOH; if she truly gave a shit about you she'd understand that your breastfeeding baby can't be abandoned for 2 days without issues for both you and the baby. I wouldn't be suffering for her.