Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

I wouldn’t go. When mine were that age, then unless there was some dire emergency, I’d never have left them for more than a very few hours.

If she won’t make an exception for her M of H, then IMO stuff her.

@lastcall

I would be frank and tell her you can no longer attend.

You were supposed to be the MOH; if she truly gave a shit about you she'd understand that your breastfeeding baby can't be abandoned for 2 days without issues for both you and the baby. I wouldn't be suffering for her.

I agree with this.

I also wouldn't be stressing over it.

Children change things.
I wouldn't have dreamt of leaving a bf baby for someone so self absorbed.

Her dismissal of you with "I'm sure you'll work it out" is just so bloody rude.

I sincerely hope she is mortified in a couple of years at her behaviour.

We have had a few family weddings in the past few years, all early thirties, and there has not been a hint of this vulgar, self absorbed behaviour, despite them all being large weddings in 5 star venues.

To the contrary, they have been very inclusive of the small number of my grand nieces and nephews that we have.

Such self absorbed behaviour.

I think she is on another planet! Wait till she gets her own kids and it happens to her! I don't think you should leave your baby. It is her who is being unreasonable

Your friend will think you are selfish.
I do.

Selfish for not wanting to leave her child for two days?

What part makes her selfish

As it's 3 months away I think I would aim to wean my baby or failing that have a chat with her and explain why you need to have a "babe in arms" with you. Brides are notoriously self-centred, if you are her MOH you are obviously very close to her. IMHO I think you would regret not going to her big day and you should pull out the stops to get her to understand!

We had a child free wedding with the exception of our nieces and a friend traveling from Oz. However a cousin brought a baby as they were breastfeeding, it was no problem. People can't expect a mother or father to be apart from a really young baby for 2 days! God I was lucky to get a couple of hours up until my daughter was over a year old!

@Ilovewolfblass

Your friend will think you are selfish. I do.

There's someone selfish in this scenario and it isn't the breastfeeding mother.

Definitely option 3

Option 1 would be my choice and I’ve done this myself.
I wouldn’t do option 3, you’re maid of honour and there IS a solution.

I'm still breastfeeding my daughter who is 15 months. At 12 months she was only fed once first thing in the morning and once just before she went to bed. So I would imagine your baby will be similar when it comes to it as they will be about 12 months. I don't agree that you should just not go. If she's close enough to you for you to be her maid of honour I would think you could cope with the inconvenience of one day. Yes perhaps she is being a bit selfish but I think you're allowed to be selfish for one day for your wedding. Perhaps you can feed your baby first thing, go to the wedding all day then leave early after the dinner and speeches to feed them to put them to sleep and stay there. Husband/partner/family can do the bit in the middle. If your baby is still having a breastfeed in the day by then then your boobs will be fine to miss that feed as your supply will be pretty low by then and your baby would also be ok to miss it as they won't be relying on it anymore for sustenance.

I just wouldn't go.

Your friend will think you are selfish. I do

What is selfish about not wanting to leave a fully breast fed baby for 2 nights!? Its a wedding not life or death, and having a breast fed baby there so one can have one's friend there is an entirely reasonable compromise for the bride to make IF she wanted to

@Ilovewolfblass

Your friend will think you are selfish. I do.

How so?

Just tell her you won't be going and why - if she really wanted you at her wedding she wouldn't subject you to her no children rule - you won't enjoy it and that matters

@pigglepot just to add a different perspective, at 12 months my breastfeed baby was feeding every two hours day and night while I was near by. They could go without during the day if I was away at work, but if would definitely be feeling it by the end of the day.

Just saying this as the OP doesn’t know yet what the frequency of feeds will be like at 12 months. More feeds missed, more chance of mastitis.

Horrible situation for you to be in OP. Hope the bride reconsiders and allows you to bring the baby.

Your friend will think you are selfish.
I do.
And depriving a breastfed baby isn't? All I can say is I'm glad neither of you are my friend.

Just apologise to Bridezilla and say that you are really sorry but, whilst the older DC can go to their Grandparents, you aren't able to sort something out for the baby as you can't go that long without feeding and your sure she doesn't want leaky boob patches in her photos

It’s too much with no bf baby

I get the family children only. That’s what I have. If goes over 30

If I invited all kids then be more kids then adults as all friends think bar 3 have kids

It’s also a cost and space thing

Plus if you are bm will you be able to do duties looking after your baby

Can’t give to dh as he’s best man

What does dh think of it all

At 12 months she was only fed once first thing in the morning and once just before she went to bed. So I would imagine your baby will be similar when it comes to it as they will be about 12 months
At12 months, breastmilk was still both my DC's main source of liquid.

@Ilovewolfblass

Your friend will think you are selfish. I do.

You think she should make the pretty princess the priority over her child's most basic needs?

The bride has every right to choose who will or won't be at her wedding. She just can't then dictate that everyone falls into line, regardless of their individual circumstances.

Another vote for don't go.

It's a shame, but she is making the choice for you really. It's obviously important to you to keep breastfeeding so you need to explain the situation to her and say that you sadly won't be able to attend.

Also, if you were my best friend/MOH, then I'd be going out of my way to ensure I could make it work for you. Having you at my wedding and able to enjoy yourself would be more important to me but then I'm old enough to have married before weddings went mad and were still about sharing the day with your friends and family and not an extravaganza.

YNBU. I'm sick of people who think they can butt in and tell each other how to run their lives. We all do things differently and what works for one doesn't work for another. For you, attending this wedding won't work. As it won't work for a lot of the other parents that are invited.

Don't go unless you talk to her and she says you can take your baby. If you leave your baby at home and then you hear anything remotely like a baby crying at the wedding your subconscious will think it is your baby and your breasts will spurt milk everywhere.