Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

I think @CokeDrinker would suggest OP give her baby coke in a bottle for all the rubbish they spouted.

Bloody hell. I can't believe some of the comments on here

I hope you find a solution that works for everyone @SarBear2021. Please come back and update us, and ignore the frankly ridiculous comments on here.

I wouldn't go. I'm all for no children except family children but I'd allow kids of bridesmaids.

I think in this circumstance you should be considered family.

Tell her you've considered all options and the only one is for baby to come and sit with DH whilst you're with her. Is that an option she's open to? Otherwise you don't see how you can attend

But by 1 year old you'll be feeding much less anyway more than likely, so the risk of infection is lessened there. Have you tried a Haaka? (Think that's right). Not a pump, natural suction- I found it handy anyway, and I wasn't interested in actual pumping.

I don't think the suggestions of manually relieving a bit of milk are obscene, although some posters seem to be reacting like they are saying chop your nipples off so the baby can't have them. I just think- if you really wanted to go, you'd be trying to find a way. Fair enough if you'd rather be at home though!

And there's a lot of outrage that he is a breastfeeding baby, without an invite. He is also a 1 year old child, who will likely be cruising/ moving around, won't want to be sat down, could quite easily start straining for a massive noisy, smelly poo at an inappropriate time 😁 that's not the same as a 3 week old baby who can be kept still and quiet with a pair of boobs!

As a mum of 2 FF children. I wouldn't want the pressure of taking a 1 year old to a no child wedding with feeding issues aside. It only takes catching them on a bad day and they're trying to run away or cry the place down and the bride doesn't seem overly child friendly.
From the brides perspective I probably wouldn't be thrilled with the idea of the child crying mid service and the moh having to scramble to latch the baby on in the presumably non bf friendly dress or having to wait for photos to because the moh is feeding.
Saying that if you're confident enough to take the child and yours is the only non family child not invited that sounds pretty mean. And bloody hell the day seems pretty full on! And a long distance to travel so that alone would put people off!
I don't think either of you are in the wrong I think you're just in different positions in life and sometimes it doesn't work out. I don't think it warrants a massive drama or fall out.

People who have never experienced pumping not working don't have a fucking clue IME how hard it can be to express milk.

They don't understand the difference between as pump and a baby.

I wouldn't go.

I had an oversupply issue for the first year, pumping did not help, hand expressing was painful when engorged to the point of tears. The only thing that worked was shoving my baby on every 2-3 hours.

I couldn't find a work around if this were me. So in your shoes I wouldn't go.

I would say you can't leave the baby that long. I don't think you need to go into the ins and outs.

It doesn't matter how many nieces and nephews the bride has, I don't think anyone really gets breastfeeding until they do it. I could never have left my baby for that long without ending up with tits like rocks leaking through my clothes.

Pumping is long, boring and loud and nowhere near as efficient as a 9 month old baby.

Option 2

As you are MoH, she's going to want you dancing attendance on her all day, isn't she? She's not going to want your attention distracted by having to go off and feed a baby at possibly inconvenient moments.

I'd bow out gracefully.

Well that's what I'd do, but then I'm the sort of person who thinks that wanting a child-free wedding is ridiculous.

I had a child free wedding as I had limited numbers in my venue but I made an exception my for some friends with young children/infants.

I would have really struggled to be away from my 8 month old for that length of time as I struggled to relieve engorgement despite pumping. If I had been in that situation then if there were no accommodation made for my situation I would have to bow out.

@Castlepeak

The standard advice in this situation would be your husband or someone you trust situated very close by with the child so you can pop out for feeds. Close by as in upstairs at the hotel or at the home where the wedding is being hosted. If your friend can’t understand that is a necessity, I would bow out.

no - the standard is breastfeeding baby, then OP is entitled to not go.

Some advice may be to bend over completely backwards to accomodate

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that at all. And your baby is going to be confused by the new place and you leaving and it will be stressful for you.

Sorry I meant if you go with the having your DC staying nearby.

Considering you're moh she isn't being very accommodating.

Hope it goes ok when you tell her. She might change her mind and say you can bring your dc if you say you can't come.

Don't take your baby if it's clear the bride doesn't want them there that would be really out of order. But equally it's the bride's fault if you cant go because she won't allow a BF baby there and there's no other way for you to sort it out. I would pull out and just calmly and kindly explain to her that it's impossible for you and wish her the best.

I personally feel you either have a completely child free wedding, or include them. Having "select" children just pisses people off.

I'd just say thanks but we can't see how we can make it work.

She's not that great a friend if she's letting others bring kids but not you.

@SarBear2021

Do not do anything you don't want to do in terms of pumping and don't upset your babies routine for this bridezilla

She needs a reality check - I agree to have "family" children but no other kids is just awful and extremely rude it's either children or no children

She's no friend

As others have said, it’s not a small baby you are talking about but a one year old possibly toddler. I can totally understand the need to take a small breast fed baby but I don’t really understand the need to take a potentially disruptive toddler. I totally understand everyone is different but I don’t get the not being able to leave a one year old for one night for a good friend’s wedding. It’s her big day to have as she chooses, if you’ve can’t accept her way of doing things you need to tell her now you can’t go.

I totally understand everyone is different but I don’t get the not being able to leave a one year old for one night for a good friend’s wedding.

The OP has explained more than once why her breast fed baby can't be left for two nights.

So she needs to tell her friend she can’t be at the wedding!

A shame that she is giving her Matron of Honour no honour just stress.

Just re-read the thread. Is there any chance you can go for just one night as a compromise? At one year old that shouldn't be so much an issue for the baby, and surely shouldn't cause mastitis as she won't be taking in that much milk? Does she take a bottle, I can't remember? My son won't take a bottle but he manages at nursery and just makes up for it when I'm home. Far from ideal but I have to go to work! My breasts did get uncomfortably full at first, but he was only 6 months old then. I wouldn't want to leave my 10 month old for 2 nights /3 days, even if I wasn't breastfeeding, but would for one. Actually, we are going to a wedding next month when he will be just about a year old and I will be leaving him for one night for the first time with the in-laws. I know he won't take a bottle but he'll eat plenty and have some water from a sippy cup and be fine. I definitely wouldn't go for 2 nights 3 days though!

@surreygirl1987

Just re-read the thread. Is there any chance you can go for just one night as a compromise? At one year old that shouldn't be so much an issue for the baby, and surely shouldn't cause mastitis as she won't be taking in that much milk? Does she take a bottle, I can't remember? My son won't take a bottle but he manages at nursery and just makes up for it when I'm home. Far from ideal but I have to go to work! My breasts did get uncomfortably full at first, but he was only 6 months old then. I wouldn't want to leave my 10 month old for 2 nights /3 days, even if I wasn't breastfeeding, but would for one. Actually, we are going to a wedding next month when he will be just about a year old and I will be leaving him for one night for the first time with the in-laws. I know he won't take a bottle but he'll eat plenty and have some water from a sippy cup and be fine. I definitely wouldn't go for 2 nights 3 days though!

You read the whole thread and you missed that it's at least a 5 hour journey?

Surely the 'family' children only rule could be extended to include the breastfed babe of the MoH and groomsman?

See, since you have added in the information that your dh also has a role in the wedding party, I don't understand why you both accepted the roles in the first place. Presumably you knew your were planning extended breast feeding. So how did you ever think you were going to do this ? How can your dh be doing his ushering duties and you your bridesmaiding role whilst looking after a baby (who is likely to be crawling by then and potentially on their feet and feasibly even toddling) ?
How has this not occurred to your sooner?
If you knew you were not going to be able to leave your little one, then in your head you must, all along, have been thinking you would take them, so what were you planning on doing with them before and during the ceremony when you would be doing the jobs you've agreed to do ?