Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

Op, your baby would be fine without milk for a day or two if she is well established on solids. I couldnt ever pump a drop but can easily hand express to relieve pressure - your breasts will settle if you just hand express for comfort but don't empty them. If baby was 9 months or under, I'd totally be 100% on your side, but at 1 year old, I do think it is workable if you want it to be

Honestly I would just ask her how strict the no kids policy is. Ive always been told bf babies are fine because they dont have to be paid for. Why not just ask in a gentle way if an exception can be made since you dont see any other option? Having lots of neices and nephews isnt synonymous with understanding the ins and outs of bf - its possible she just doesnt realise the implications.

I found myself in an almost identical situation except I wasn’t a maid of honour (just doing a reading in the church) and the bride was a dear dear friend whose wedding I would have been loathe to miss. Pumping absolutely saved me and made it all possible. I had two nights away and it was lovely. Not sure my mum (with the baby) would say the same thing . He was 9 months when I left him though - yours presumably older than one and having quite a few solids as well. I’d not have missed my friend’s wedding for anything bar a family emergency. It does sound a little like you think the bride should change her plans to accommodate you rather than the other way round and as such you are happy to skip it - which is a slightly different issue.

@Teacupsandtoast

Op, your baby would be fine without milk for a day or two if she is well established on solids. I couldnt ever pump a drop but can easily hand express to relieve pressure - your breasts will settle if you just hand express for comfort but don't empty them. If baby was 9 months or under, I'd totally be 100% on your side, but at 1 year old, I do think it is workable if you want it to be

I did that with one and got mastitis. I only did it because I needed surgery under GA. But for anything else bar similar emergency, ffs.

Our wedding was child free apart from the following:

1. Our nieces (3 of them)

1. Cousins two kids (they’d travelled from the US for the wedding and didn’t think we could expect them not to bring them)

1. My friend’s baby, because she was breastfeeding and couldn’t leave her.

@Teacupsandtoast

Op, your baby would be fine without milk for a day or two if she is well established on solids. I couldnt ever pump a drop but can easily hand express to relieve pressure - your breasts will settle if you just hand express for comfort but don't empty them. If baby was 9 months or under, I'd totally be 100% on your side, but at 1 year old, I do think it is workable if you want it to be

my son is breast-feeding still at over 3 years, yesterday he mainly fed from one of the breasts, at night one of the breasts was engorged and leaking, I dont want to imagine what my breast would have looked like if they hadn't fed for nearly 3 days (taking into account the travel), not everyone can easily hand express to relieve the pressure and not get into some other problems like a mastitis.

Your friend is barking. Surely the 'family' children only rule could be extended to include the breastfed babe of the MoH and groomsman? You are both in the main wedding party.

How well do you know her mum, the MOB? Just wondering whether you could chat to her about it, casually of course, and say what a dilemma you are having. She might see sense.

@CokeDrinker

How about a 4th option? Why not try medication to dry up your milk and try to wean the baby? 9 months old enough. I won't comment on breastfeeding to the age of 3 year olds, my post will be deleted. You need to decide if breastfeeding for the sake of it (when your baby could be trained to use a bottle) and not going is worth it. You may want to breastfeed, but is it for you you are doing it for or the baby? It must be very limiting for you. Maybe you could reconsider what you did with your previous two babies and get this one weaned earlier and start now. You'll be glad you did.

so you'd force a weaning and all that implies between the mum and a child for a wedding that is not even yours? and thanks, those of us that bf at the age of 3 our kids dont care what you'd think, just make sure to keep your opinions to yourself

Just to let you know WHO recommends to at least bf for 2 years, so no, it's not for the mum. please educate yourself in bf before judging other people

I know this isn't really what you asked but it seems particularly mean-spirited that you have been asked not to bring your baby when it's a family house, not a commercial venue. They could even have set up a comfortable space for you to bf in without it costing them anything, never mind not having the baby there at all. miserable buggers

I just wouldn't go. Once what is supposed to be an enjoyable event starts to sound more like an endurance feat, in my opinion it's just not worth it. Say you can't makke it, wish the couple well and send a card/gift. They get to set the parameters for their wedding, but you get to decide if they work for you or not. They clearly don't.
Oh and just in case anyone reading is wondering about drugs to dry up milk supply - whilst this was indeed routine practice in the past, it hasn't been the case for ages, due to the risk of rare but serious side effects from the medication, including strokes and heart attacks. Drugs to suppress lactation are still prescribed occasionally in the UK but only in specific circumstances when the benefits are felt to outweigh the risks - I don't think many doctors would consider "so I don't upset my friend at her wedding" to be a valid indication.

So you are a bridesmaid / the MOH and your DH is a Groomsman. What exactly does she expect you both to do with a breastfed infant for two days?

You obviously can't leave the baby at home without either of you.

She won't let you take the baby to the wedding.

That really only leaves you with one option, doesn't it?

Hi op I feel your making a big deal out of this. Are you really saying a breast pump does not work for you yet you've breastfed 3 children. It seems like your being a pain for the sake of it.

Aslong as you pump regularly you will be fine.

@HPmagic

Hi op I feel your making a big deal out of this. Are you really saying a breast pump does not work for you yet you've breastfed 3 children. It seems like your being a pain for the sake of it.

Aslong as you pump regularly you will be fine.

A pump doesn’t work for everyone. Ffs there is so much misinformation in this thread related with bf! Breastfeeding is breast feeding. Not pump feeding.

This sounds such a tough situation OP.

Definitely don't risk mastitis.

I had a "child free wedding" but invited children of our bridal party. Then a cousin of my DH had trouble finding a sitter and it meant a lot to my MIL that they were there so we "changed the rules" for those people. No one battered an eyelid on the day. We were restricted on numbers and on money so couldn't accommodate every child in our respective families / friends.

When our DS was 8 weeks old we attended a child free wedding with him. Our friends changed the rules for us as DH was Best Man and the wedding was 3 hours drive away. They recognised at that age everyone comes as a package.

I guess you just have to have a serious chat with your friend and explain the options are "come with baby" or "don't come".

@HPmagic

Hi op I feel your making a big deal out of this. Are you really saying a breast pump does not work for you yet you've breastfed 3 children. It seems like your being a pain for the sake of it.

Aslong as you pump regularly you will be fine.

Lol, if only breastfeeding was that simple! Breast feeding is hard (I BF DS until he was 19 months) Pumping in my opinion is so so much harder than pumping. I absolutely hated it. For some people it just doesn't work and it's as simple as saying "just pump"

@CokeDrinker do you even have children, both of mine were never 'trained' to take a bottle, they would just not drink for a whole day rather than taking a bottle... and while this is possible for a day at nursery it is not possible for 2/3 days FFS