Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

I'd definitely just not go. She doesn't seem bothered that it's hard for you. It her choice of course not to invite your baby and it's equally your choice to explain that it just doesn't work for you.

@billy1966

Anyone accepting a MoH now a days should insist on a caveat of provisional situations that they will not fulfill their duties🙄.

Hope the bride finds her manners and a bit of consideration of others OP.

I would never agree to be a MoH. I detest wedding drama. Thankfully I'm too middle-aged and fat to be likely to be asked now.

I totally get why it's hard for you to go but I think your husband still should. It doesn't need both of you to stay home so for him to pull out too just comes across as a petty strop.

It isn't a personal attack that your child isn't invited and if they make exceptions for you, then there'll be other people that are pissed off that they couldn't bring their child.

I think if your dh doesn't go there will be a fall out. I think you should explain why you cannot leave the baby, but your dh should still go. It seems a bit of a statement for all of you not to attend, especially if your dh is close enough to be a groomsman.

I think you should consider your DH going without you op but understand why you won't be going

@GCAcademic..ditto🤣.

God forgive me I have loathed weddings my whole life and have dodged SO many....in fact husband and I agreed it was a wonderful by product of having our first child years ago that we now had a legitimate excuse.

We didn't go to a wedding for a good decade.

We have thoroughly enjoyed a few family ones over the last decade that included our children.

When we got married the idea of telling the few siblings that had children they weren't allowed to bring them would have been complete anathema to us.

All of this and, am I reading it right? The OP hasn't actually had this conversation with the bride yet?

She may completely understand and say of course you can bring your baby. Then all of this fretting about it was for nothing. People seriously need to talk more.

DH feels it would be awkward if I have to step down but he still went. Plus we would then be in a situation where we’re spending a load of money and time for a couple who don’t appear to value our friendship as much as we thought (on the assumption that bride cannot be flexible for my child).

Anyway, we could have the conversation and set out our predicament (again) and the bride is more accommodating so everything would be fine.

If the brides repsonse is still “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”, then both DH and I will be rethinking our friendship with the couple.

TBH the thought of having this conversation is making me feel sick. I really feel like it’s going to be the end of our friendship and I’m so sad and disappointed that it’s come to this.

@CornishGem1975 I raised the issue with the bride when she said it would be “child free”, and her response was “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”. So I feel like we’ve already had the conversation and I’m now going back to say that I can’t sort something out that will enable me to attend.

But you wouldn't be stepping down because of any rift or disagreement you'd simply be stepping down because it conflicts with the care of your child - which I'd totally understand if I was the bride and groom. I'd not understand why the groom then also felt a statement was needed and to pull out too and I'd be offended at that and that would ruin the friendship. I can't see it as anything but a purposeful snub. I think you should respect the decision for a child free wedding and bow out gracefully, not make a big drama out of it.

[quote SadieCow]@Scotland32 yes of course a true friend should sit at your wedding with leaky boobs, being uncomfortable, stressed as her child is a bottle register and she can't express effectively.

I mean that's the sign of a true friend, whilst the bridezilla expects her to smile, laugh and dance the night away!

What about the bride being a true friend and put the friend first? [/quote]
What an exaggeration!! 😂😂 All of those things are totally preventable with planning! You are describing someone totally incapable of thinking ahead.

@SarBear2021 I think that's fair enough then - she may still say you can.

I'm on of the awful brides to be that is having no children at their wedding (apart from my own, can't really not have them there ) but if someone came to me and said they really had no other option I'd probably bend for them. For me, it's not about not having kids there but all our friends and family have a couple each - we added up it would be 70+ kids. Apart from not being able to afford that, we'd have to choose to not invite friends to invite people's kids we don't know.

I think you really need to open up the conversation and be straight up about the facts and go to her with a solution. I hate awkward conversations but the longer it goes on the harder it's gunna be for everyone. For an event so big it warrants more than one conversation.

To be honest at I think you are blowing this out of proportion a bit - at 9 months the baby will be on solids and largely weaned. Risk of mastitis will be much much smaller. I can see the brides point that this isn't a 9 week old baby exclusively reliant on you it's a 9 month one?

You're being completely reasonable OP, I couldn't have not breastfed for 2 days when either of mine were nine months. In fact I went to Paris for 1 night for work at 18 months and was struggling.

Your friend is being a selfish princess. I cut ppl like this out of my life. My life is much better for it.

Hmm I'm starting to think you're blowing it a bit our of proportion to be honest. The fact that your husband would also step down as groomsman, I feel, is unnecessary and would come across as spiteful to me to be honest. With a baby myself who is 10 months old and refuses to take a bottle, I fully understand your concerns over breastfeeding, and I also wouldn't want to leave a baby at home for 2 nights / 3 days... but if the people were important enough to me I would compromise and find a way of making it work, eg staying for just 1 night or getting a cheap airbnb nearby for MIL to stay at to look after the baby and pop by the wedding for 10 mins for a quick feed, or something like that. I'm going to a wedding in July myself (not MoH, just guest) without the baby, and am making it work, though am compromising by not attending the extended weekend. Also, won't your baby be close to 1 by then? My son at 10 months is wriggling and crawling and trying to grab everything and being in general quite demanding... I wouldn't particularly want to take him to a wedding if I could possibly avoid it. In fact, the one I'm attending next month, when he will be just turning 1, the bride and groom have invited him to come a few times but we have politely declined each time as, despite rhe breastfeeding issue and the fact he won't take a bottle, it will actually be easier for us not to take him, and I don't want to risk his presence disrupting someone else's big day. I hear where you're coming from, but if you value the friendship, be very careful how you tread - as I said previously, I didn't understand what it's like to have a young baby and breastfeeding at all until I had a child myself and that wasn't my fault. Your husband stepping down would make a very strong statement. I have also had mastitis myself and yes it is unpleasant but would refuse to attend a wedding due to it 'risking my health'. Up to you of course... but that's my opinion, from someone in a very similar situation to you!
Do let us know how you get on and good luck!

I don't understand why a grandmother has to give up her weekend to sit in a hotel with a potentially upset baby because the bride and groom won't invite breastfed babies.
I don't understand why people expect guests to fork out for two rooms. Seems like a massive ball ache to me.

I've had this situation before- I arranged with the family to hire a nanny for the day and to have baby ana nanny in the house so I could pop away from the wedding to feed when I needed to. You could also bring a close family member you trust with baby. It worked well for me and everyone understood. Will be sad to miss a close friends wedding. I'd ask if you could bring someone along to stay out of the way with baby.

Again don't feel bad about putting your baby first. Hope it all works out.

Read the OP - it's a 90 minute round trip to the nearest hotel.

@Overnightoats1

I've had this situation before- I arranged with the family to hire a nanny for the day and to have baby ana nanny in the house so I could pop away from the wedding to feed when I needed to. You could also bring a close family member you trust with baby. It worked well for me and everyone understood. Will be sad to miss a close friends wedding. I'd ask if you could bring someone along to stay out of the way with baby.

I think these solutions are just pushing the problem back to the OP and either way it’s just costing her more money. Or expecting another adult to give up their weekend to sit in a hotel (and paying for travel, room, food for that person). I believe OP already has other children being looked after.

Also if there are family children there it just needs a small one to cry and there’s a bridesmaids dress ruined…

Good luck op. You’re definitely
Not bu.

@bristolone

I don't understand why a grandmother has to give up her weekend to sit in a hotel with a potentially upset baby because the bride and groom won't invite breastfed babies. I don't understand why people expect guests to fork out for two rooms. Seems like a massive ball ache to me.

Some people treat a wedding invitation like a court summons. I agree with you, bristol.

I would bow out now but honestly, let this be a lesson to you: don't bother agreeing to be a bridesmaid, MoH, groomsman, etc for these things. They end up costing a bomb and being a total PITA.

In fact, any invitation that involves a load of travel, overnights, etc., just decline.

Honestly OP, I'm shocked at the people who think a wedding is more important than potentially making yourself ill and messing up your milk supply. Complete madness. One PP suggesting you have time to change the way you feed! It's one day where people spend a lot of money to have everyone looking at them, it shouldn't be more important than a friendship.

@SarBear2021

DH feels it would be awkward if I have to step down but he still went. Plus we would then be in a situation where we’re spending a load of money and time for a couple who don’t appear to value our friendship as much as we thought (on the assumption that bride cannot be flexible for my child).

Anyway, we could have the conversation and set out our predicament (again) and the bride is more accommodating so everything would be fine.

If the brides repsonse is still “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”, then both DH and I will be rethinking our friendship with the couple.

TBH the thought of having this conversation is making me feel sick. I really feel like it’s going to be the end of our friendship and I’m so sad and disappointed that it’s come to this.

I feel for you that you are so stressed.

It's hard to believe that ye are both so close to this couple that are so dismissive of your circumstances.

Things change when you have children.

Some people are happy to leave a baby of a few months with family, some aren't.
Just different choices.

Hard to believe you are such good friends with someon so disinterested in your life and the reality of having a baby.

You and your husband are having huge stress for what and whom?

You need to have a firm, calm, quick call, telling it as it is and just bail if you get any other reaction other than "of course bring the baby". End of.