Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

Don't go. I was in a similar situation 2 years ago. I found out I was pregnant and told the bride straight away- before my parents as I knew my due date would be just before her wedding. She didn't want babies there and we agreed that my mum would come and look after baby whilst I was at the wedding. Again, it was a 2 night stay away from home. My baby was 6 weeks old at the time of the wedding. It cost me over £1k to be a guest at that wedding in hotel bills and travel alone. I did think twice about it but it was one of my close friends and decided to make a weekend of it. So imagine how upset I was when I went downstairs in the hotel on the day of the wedding and saw another guest there with her baby........ my friend (who obviously knew I was on mat leave) let me pay for 2 hotel rooms for 2 nights (£200 per night) so that my mum could come and look after my baby..... and didn't mention that there would be another newborn there.... whose mother, incidentally, was local and who could easily have looked after the baby at the hotel. To add insult to injury, we were sat on the same table for the wedding breakfast and I had to endure milk let downs every time she breastfed herself baby.... whilst my own baby was persona non grata tucked away in a room upstairs. It's taken me a long time to forgive my friend for that. I understand why some people want child free weddings but if you do, the rule has to be enforced fairly and equally. I think you will regret going, particularly if it leads to the premature end of your breastfeeding journey.

When my DC were 1yo I wouldn't have wanted to be away from them for two days and they were bottle fed. If you're important enough to the bride to be MoH then surely she could extent the "family children" exemption to your baby! If you want a childfree wedding that's fine but you can't then get offended if people with small children aren't able to attend.

A 11-12 month old is not a babe in arms. Usually they're crawling and needing 100% attention.
Don't go.

That’s the thing when we become parents. Our children come first. Always. Also, I find it useful to use my child as an excuse (bad mum alert) “can’t come sorry! Need to look after my boy!” Byeeee

I think it is unreasonable not to allow babes in arms generally, let alone for a close friend in the bridal party (assuming Covid restrictions aren't cutting numbers). We allowed that for our guests even though we couldn't have older children who weren't family due to numbers.

That said, before I had a baby (mine is six months and also exclusively breastfed), I am not sure I totally understood what it would be like to be without your baby for that time. I am not pumping (yet?) and I can't even go out in the evening because I have to get my son to sleep.

If I were you, I'd try talking to her again. I know weddings are stressful, especially so during the pandemic, so my most sympathetic reading of your friend is she's probably not thinking what this would be like for you.

I hope you do get to go, she lets you bring the baby and you have a wonderful time.

Just explain the situation and the danger to your health. Give her the choices and then let her decide.

It’s a lot to ask of someone to leave baby for 2 nights breastfeeding or not. I’d probably want to take DP and share childcare at wedding / send him home early to hotel with baby. And just tell her that’s what you’ll need to do...

@Billandben444

She wants the day to be about her and not a bf disruptive toddler who grizzles through the ceremony distracting her MOH. I can see her point and I bet the children who are being allowed to attend are old enough to behave on the day. From the bride's pov, the OP's child isn't a babe in arms that depends entirely on its mother so if you can't come up with something you're comfortable with, decline the invitation.

She's a bridezilla who treats her best friends child like an inconvenience.

You've missed my point Blacksax, and I think quite a few of the posters today have not picked up what the OP added during the thread.
Not only is the OP expecting to be MofH but her dh is also in the wedding party as what they are calling a groomsman.

My point was that - totally regardless of breastfeeding or not, or how often the baby will be feeding at 12 - 15months of age, I can't understand what the OP and her dh are / were planning to do with the little one during all the parts of the day they will be busy doing the things they have committed to do. At that age (as the OP will know as this isn't her first dc) the little one is unlikely to be sitting in a car seat sleeping for hours on end - they will be active and busy. Possibly walking and very likely to be crawling and curious. Who are they expecting to be watching them ?

@BackforGood
Totally agree.

I had a child free wedding. I now have two children and would do the same again. If the bride wants no children, that’s up to her.

Both my children were exclusively fed breast milk - but sometimes from a bottle. If you want to go to the wedding, you have time to master bottle feeding/expressing etc etc so that your baby can manage without you and you can prevent mastitis. It can be done. Or you could sort something else out (based on some of the other suggestions).

So I’m a bit against the grain with my views here. If you want to go to the wedding badly enough then you will find a solution. If you don’t want to go badly enough, you won’t.

If the latter, I actually do think your friend has a right to be extremely disappointed/potentially pissed off because obviously her wedding isn’t important enough for you to overcome the challenges.

But at the end of the day, only you can make the call.

I had a child free wedding and everyone loved the break from their kids... Except the so called friend who turned up hours late, rang up arguing etc beforehand and this was the reason no kids were allowed, her kids are a nightmare. No one would have been expected to leave a nursing baby though, but I'm assuming a potential crying baby is what she is trying to avoid? Not tricky though, just tell her it's you and the baby or you really can't come due to the feeding. If she is a friend she will understand. I really suspect that she wants you to pull out of of being her maid of honour.

If you're chief bridesmaid / maid of honour then you must be someone special to her. If she can't accommodate your breastfed baby then you owe her nothing, your baby is far more special.

It might be best to have a frank conversation with her.

1. You would really like to go the wedding, feel honoured to be part of the bridal party.
2. Your baby will be 9 months old and likely bf at this age. The risk of mastitis with not being able to remove milk for long periods of time is very real. Some mothers can express relatively easily, others don’t respond well to a pump at all. If it was a simple as just pumping a few times then you would do it in a heartbeat.
3. If baby could go to the wedding you would ensure that she wouldn’t disturb the day.
4. You wouldn’t ask if there was another option and if it means that you have to hand over the maid of honour duty to someone else then you totally understand.

Honestly, I don’t understand couples who allow babes in arms belonging to family at their wedding but not one more belonging to the bridal party 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’d speak to her again and say I couldn’t find a solution and bow out if need be

Does the hotel even allow young babies? Some don't. YANBU OP.

My baby's needs comes before anyone else's. If she can't accommodate me and baby, I won't accommodate her. I'm still Bf my 2yo and I can't imagine ever leaving him for a couple of nights. No one has the right to make you choose this so don't feel guilty in choosing your baby over a wedding as this is very natural. She will get over it. I get very upset reading threads like this as it's so superficial and no depth in these so called friendships where people have no hearts. They expect you to bend over backwards as if you don't have a life or a family and in return they can't accommodate you or forget that you have a bf reliant baby and tells you to sort it out. What does she want you to do? Leave baby at the fire station?

@diddlediddledump a bit dramatic.

I actually can't believe the selfishness of some people. We had a "child free" wedding but if people were coming from a long distance there kids could come and of course any babies could come. I think we had about 3 children there! Not the end of the world

@Scotland32

I had a child free wedding. I now have two children and would do the same again. If the bride wants no children, that’s up to her.

Both my children were exclusively fed breast milk - but sometimes from a bottle. If you want to go to the wedding, you have time to master bottle feeding/expressing etc etc so that your baby can manage without you and you can prevent mastitis. It can be done. Or you could sort something else out (based on some of the other suggestions).

So I’m a bit against the grain with my views here. If you want to go to the wedding badly enough then you will find a solution. If you don’t want to go badly enough, you won’t.

If the latter, I actually do think your friend has a right to be extremely disappointed/potentially pissed off because obviously her wedding isn’t important enough for you to overcome the challenges.

But at the end of the day, only you can make the call.

Yes indeed, getting married is a perfect opportunity to test how committed your so-called "friends" really are.

Not willing to overcome the "challenges" of mastitis, leaking breasts and unaffordable extra costs? Bad friend! Naughty friend!

Queen Bride is extremely disappointed and pissed off with your attitude. Go and sit on the naughty step and think about what you have done.

Just explain to your friend the situation. I declined a wedding invite when DS2 was 8months as was breastfeeding and I just couldn’t have imagined being able to leave Him. No dramas. I wasn’t a MoH though

@Scotland32 yes of course a true friend should sit at your wedding with leaky boobs, being uncomfortable, stressed as her child is a bottle register and she can't express effectively.

I mean that's the sign of a true friend, whilst the bridezilla expects her to smile, laugh and dance the night away!

What about the bride being a true friend and put the friend first?

Quick update, although not really much to report.

Logistically and medically it’s not going to be possible for me to attend without my baby. So I’m going to have to step down unless bride can be accommodating of my child.

I’ve spoken to DH and we’re both on the same page, so the wedding can either have all 3 of us or none of us. (We might be about to lose some friends here, but I think asking me to put my health at risk is too big an ask).

If all 3 of us are allowed to the wedding we have plenty of other friends attending who will be able to help with baby during the ceremony/reception when needed. Some friends had already offered to help before we new it was “child free”.

Now I just need to pluck up the courage for the conversation. Although it’ll be much easier with DH by my side!

*knew

Anyone accepting a MoH now a days should insist on a caveat of provisional situations that they will not fulfill their duties🙄.

Hope the bride finds her manners and a bit of consideration of others OP.