Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

If it was flat no kids I would have had more sympathy for bride but she needs to extend to include bridal party.

A small baby is no inconvenience at a wedding and a true friend will understand your predicament.

I presume from your OP that you want to attend and so explain this but explain the baby would need to come too as it isn’t workable otherwise.

Good luck!

I agree with @pigglepot

She's an entitled twt, asking you to be MoH but not allowing you to bring your baby. Clearly she doesn't give two shts about the stress/discomfort/practicalities involved for you - take option 3, and just don't go. You don't even have to give an excuse - just say "sorry, when I agreed to be moH, I assumed my baby was welcome too. As it stands, I'm not able to attend.". If she has a hissy fit or quits your friendship, then hers wasn't worth anything in the first place.

Option 3! Since when did feeding a EBF baby not trump everything?

i wouldnt go quite honestly, its a faff with a baby and i wouldnt leave a 9 month old breastfed baby for 2 nights

Like you I had mastitis often and found pumps incredibly painful. It took me several months to decrease the breast feeding and I also had a wedding about 250 miles from home, leaving a 9/10 month baby with the GPs.
It was fine during the day but by evening reception it was painfull and leaking. Dancing - out of the question - agony after someone bashed into my bursting boobs.
If you do this you need at least a room nearby where you can express some of it to ease the pressure.
I only had one night of this but I think two nights would be really really hard.
Your friend is being a bit ignorant towards your dilemma and needs educating. Its not fair and your baby comes first.

Weddings aren't important, don't go :)

I'm so surprised by so many people saying the bride is the one being selfish and that the OP should just not go. I would have been genuinely heartbroken if one of my bridesmaids decided not to come to my wedding and would expect for them to put themselves out a bit to be able to make it. There is a solution here. It might mean the OP is a bit inconvenienced but there is a solution. If the baby was a few weeks or a few months old then it would be a different story but a one year old isn't a babe in arms. They may well be walking by then, will definitely be making a lot of noise. I utterly adore my DD but I can fully understand why someone wouldn't want to have her at their wedding for a multitude of reasons. I hate calling people selfish but I do think it's selfish to not want to put yourself out to literally be there for your best friend on her big day when there is a solution. I would imagine pulling out for this would end the friendship for her too so I would think carefully about that. Your friend doesn't have her own children yet, she's entitled to be selfish for her wedding day and not have children there who will make noise, take up guests time, make a mess and generally not be what she wants.

A couple of posters have said their children breastfeed a lot during the day when they were 12 months. I guess that is a risk for the OP but I think it's more likely they won't be feeding multiple times in the day especially if they are at nursery or in other childcare where bf won't be available to them. If you feel it's a big risk the baby will still be feeding multiple times a day still by then perhaps you can tell your friend that you plan to leave early to feed the baby before sleep etc but that if the baby is still heavily reliant on you you might have to consider pulling out last minute unless you can come up with another plan.

Having planned a wedding and had a baby and breastfed said baby I've been in all the shoes here and I really do have sympathy for the logistical nightmare but I also have sympathy for your friend. I found planning a wedding bloody stressful the worst part being trying to make everyone else happy (or feeling like I had to) to the point that I really couldn't relax on the day itself as I was so worried about everyone else (including due to other people causing issues before the day). I would try not to cause that for your friend unless you absolutely can't avoid it.

@SadieCow the baby is 9 months now so will be weaning and will be about a year by then so will be on three meals a day. That's not EBF.

I would tell her exactly why it isn't possible and that unless she can make an exception and extend the invitation to your baby you will have to pull out.

Child free weddings are fine and are the bride and grooms choice but. I just can't understand people who are so rigid and awkward that they can't make exceptions to ensure their guests and wedding party can enjoy the day and relax. They don't get to tell you that you have to leave your baby for two days. They just don't.

I wouldn't go and would tell her why (concisely).

Most people also seem to focus on the bride and that she must never ever be inconvenienced or questioned. And NEVER ask to bring a child if they're not originally invited?

Why?

Why can the bride not be inconvenienced but a guest can? There needs to be compromise.

If Gaynor from work asked to bring her kids along when she had an individual invitation then yeah I'd say jog on. But the breastfed baby of the MOH? Come on the bride is being a dick.

Leave your 9 moth old for 2 days for a wedding? Fuck that, I imagine you’ll hate it, and your baby will probably be quite distressed.

@pigglepot so not EBF but still DM intends to breastfeed.

I'd not reduce BF for a wedding, it's only one day and I would not let my breast feeding decisions be influenced by that

If she doesn't understand why you have to have your breast fed baby with you she's not such a great friend. Don't jeopardise your baby's happiness or your health for her selfishness. If she can't see this then decline the invitation. She can find another moh.

We had this sort of wedding invite. I didn't go. Bride wasn't happy. We don't speak now.

3r

3 without a doubt.

@SadieCow but it wouldn't affect breastfeeding. It would be one day where she had to be flexible with her feeding which is definitely possible with a one year old. The next day and the day before she could go back to her normal pattern and their bf would be unaffected.

@Flobbertybillop the baby will be a year or so. The baby is 9 months now. Unless the baby is extremely sensitive the baby would not be upset by being away from its mother for a few hours at over a year. No-one is suggesting she leaves the baby for 2 days- I agree this wouldn't be ideal- the suggestion is that the baby stays with her whilst she is away for the wedding and she finds a way to be flexible with her feeding e.g leaving the wedding early, to be able to be at the wedding during the day.

To a PP who asked, family children are often an exception to child-free weddings because the usual babysitters will be at the wedding and therefore unavailable.

I just wouldn't go OP. It's unfortunate but risking your health to attend a wedding would be daft.

Your post makes me feel so cross op. Every summer posts crop up like yours and I just think so many women (brides) are wilfully ignorant about what it means to breastfeed. Lots of women would be fine leaving their child at 9 months and that's great but lots aren't and that's fine too. You do what's right for you and your baby - tell your friend you've "sorted something" in that you've decided not to go.

I couldn’t even have considered doing this. When breastfeeding my DC they wouldn’t take a bottle and I never had any success trying to express by hand/manual pump or electric pump... I honestly tried everything! If I didn’t feed regularly I became painfully engorged. Like rock hard. I wouldn’t have been able to function after 4 or 5 hours without feeding.
It would have to be option 3 from me but I’d be completely honest about why I wasn’t able to attend.

I wouldn’t want to do that I’m afraid. And your “friend” is bloody terrible for making you make that decision in the first place 😒