Child in elite sport... Aibu to let her miss training for bday party

[Homeontherangeuk]

My child is an elite athlete & we're on holiday this week... She's just been invited to an outdoor bday party... Usually I'd say you have training but given the past year I'm inclined to say fuck it & let her go... But we're also away this weekend so she's missing two trainings but making all her weeklys...

As far as I know, gymnastics is the only sport that separates off “elites” at age 7 to follow a completely different competitive path. And labels those kids as elite

Indeed, all the other Olympic sports barely even let 8 year olds compete, they only get to do it for fun, and few have competitions outside of your region.

Even BMX which is a "kids sport" as well as an Olympic one I believe has no prize money etc. in their competitions at that age to discourage the over-competitive parents.

And they are often on that track very young - as for gymnastics they can't suddenly develop an interest at that level older.

I'm quite glad we are out of it tbh (as I said at a different club and trampolining has a different structure)

Absolutely think its gymnastics! It was crazy looking back. I can't think of any other sport like it for the pressure when young.

Would def advise parents to choose wisely as gymnastics is a great foundation for other sports - but dont get sucked into a club where the rec classes are just there to subsidise the groups/pressure to add hours each term to succeed...

One of ds’ friends has been training from the age of 6. I appreciate that his dm wants to give him every opportunity to fulfil his potential but I’m very grateful that I’ve never been put in this position. He’s trained 6 days a week, other siblings have to work around his schedule, the pressure to give up formal schooling to fit around the gym is unreal. He has missed school travelling for competitions but the teachers and principal are just as starry eyed as his dm about having an Olympian in their school.

I’m cynical and can’t help feeling that if his potential was that unique the gym would be training him for free.

But I’m one of the people who doesn’t get it - I am baffled at the idea of an Olympic medal being worth the loss of a childhood. Back in the 80s we used to watch the Soviet gymnasts with such pity and then practise vaulting over the back of the sofa until dm caught us.

He used to be ds’ best friend but over the years other friends have become closer through play dates, and birthday parties and shared interests.

@ineedaholidaynow

At 8 do you really want that pressure on her? Is she genuinely going to get in Olympic squad. How many children burn out before then if they have that pressure on them at 8?

Imagine the world of mediocrity we would have if everyone thought like you.

Let her choose. If you make her miss out on stuff she will resent it snd resent her sport snd give it up when she can.

*At 8 do you really want that pressure on her? Is she genuinely going to get in Olympic squad. How many children burn out before then if they have that pressure on them at 8?

Imagine the world of mediocrity we would have if everyone thought like you*

She is right though. There is no need for that pressure on an 8 year old, and it will make absolutely no difference to her olympic chances to miss a few sessions. There is a much higher chance of burnout in kids that aren’t allowed to have a life balance at that age.

And no, you absolutely cannot tell who will make an olympic squad at 8 years old.

@reallyreallyborednow

*At 8 do you really want that pressure on her? Is she genuinely going to get in Olympic squad. How many children burn out before then if they have that pressure on them at 8?

Imagine the world of mediocrity we would have if everyone thought like you*

She is right though. There is no need for that pressure on an 8 year old, and it will make absolutely no difference to her olympic chances to miss a few sessions. There is a much higher chance of burnout in kids that aren’t allowed to have a life balance at that age.

And no, you absolutely cannot tell who will make an olympic squad at 8 years old.

This

Let her go to the party

The idea of an 8 year old being elite at any sport is absurd!

When I was eight, I took ballet - I was really good, my teacher even took me to meet someone she knew at a major ballet company who was genuinely impressed with my talent and the shape of my feet and turnout. I won lots of competitions and I genuinely thought I had a career ahead of me- this was supported by the adults in my life. My teacher was even happy to let me continue for free when my family couldn't afford fees for a while and would use her contacts to get me free shoes and tights- everyone seemed to think I really had something special. And then puberty hit and I got massive tits. That was the end of that.

The idea of adults ACTUALLY believing that an eight year is going to the olympics is so funny to me. Puberty will probably laugh in your face, if injuries and changing interests don't get there first.

I don’t think it’s necessarily an ‘Olympic’ moment, it’s more that missing a week of training for a family trip and a party will set the child back for near-term goals - club competitions, the opportunity to get PBs, losing fitness etc. A week of missed training probably takes about a month to recover.

So if this choice is likely to mean your child misses out on a medal, or it impacts their short-term goals (keeping squad place etc), then that is more of a consideration than whether this choice is going to affect their long-term progression.

I expect this is gymnastics due to your references to lockdown zoom training - but our swimming club absolutely selects ‘elite’ swimmers at 7/8 and expects 100% commitment. Older children can still join (whereas with gym it’s hard) but swimmers are expected to make the same sacrifices.

It all depends on your child, their enjoyment of the sport, their other interests and whether they understand what a week long break will mean for their near term goals.

My dd is 12, she loves swimming, she swims for a great club but is relatively slow compared to other squad members. She never misses training, she loves getting PBs, she loves standing on the blocks in front of spectators and trying to beat quite a select group of swimmers who are a similar speed. She trains 9 hours a week and I never have to tell her to get ready - she sits of the sofa wearing her costume an hour before we leave the house ! I know that if she misses training for a week before a gala her times would be slower - she knows it too, it would be her choice.

My job as a parent is to enable her ambitions and support her - whether she’s first or last. And it’s to give her a range of activities to try out to see where her passion lies. My 16 and 15 year old ds/dd are downhill mountain bikers and race regional and national races - my youngest loves tennis. But I could never ever force them to do their sports - they would be miserable.

It’s not all about winning medals and getting to the Olympics, it’s all about building confidence and letting them take it as far as they want. I do think it’s your child’s choice - but as another poster said, they have to know what missed sessions means (in terms of near-term goals), and decide from there.

You’re happy for her to miss a week so you can take her on holiday but not so she can go to a party? YABU.

She deserves to go to a party with her friend.

@Wroxie if she is pushed harder and harder on her training, she probably won't have the issue of puberty to worry about.

Mine would take the training above any party.

Tbh, I wouldn't be missing them to go on holiday either, and if I was the trainer I'd immediately think you weren't committed as a family, so another child would get the place above your one in an otherwise equal choice.

When do the other parents take holidays/days off?

Imagine the world of mediocrity we would have if everyone thought like you

Imagine the world for kids if anything other than pushing your kids to be “elite” means they are mediocre.

it’s more that missing a week of training for a family trip and a party will set the child back for near-term goals - club competitions, the opportunity to get PBs, losing fitness etc. A week of missed training probably takes about a month to recover

I disagree, with gymnastics at least. When you train 24 hours + a week, missing a week can often be beneficial, a chance to rest body and mind.

Most “elite” gymnasts, even at 8, are borderline overtraining, are constantly fatigued, with niggling injuries and sore spots. A few days off before a comp mean you go into the comp feeling stronger.

In fact many elite gymnasts are saying they’ve come back from lockdown better as they’ve had months off, away from the constant pounding on their bodies, and all those overuse injuries have had a proper chance to heal.

This mindset that a break sets you back is being proven wrong by recent events- many sports have been hugely surprised by the beneficial effects of lockdown, when they expected a big deterioration in performance.

She’s 8 of course she should get the chance to go on holiday.

It can’t be healthy for anyone to be so cocooned in the world of training at such a young age that going on holiday or to a party is called into question

Tbh, I wouldn't be missing them to go on holiday either, and if I was the trainer I'd immediately think you weren't committed as a family, so another child would get the place above your one in an otherwise equal choice

And this is what’s wrong with kids sport.

Tbh, I wouldn't be missing them to go on holiday either, and if I was the trainer I'd immediately think you weren't committed as a family, so another child would get the place above your one in an otherwise equal choice

If you had a job where you were never allowed a day off and sick leave was frowned upon, would you be ok with that? Your manager says taking a day off to go to a wedding or other even shows your lack of commitment and uses that to promote someone else ahead of you?

It’s not ok for adults, so why is it ok for children? If it were me kids training at this level would be given 20 day “annual leave” each year to use for holidays, social events.

I competed in gymnastics up to national level until I was about fifteen and the pressure is crazy. Nothing wrong with letting her be a kid.

(I'm paying for it now too - knees and shoulders are rubbish!)

This is why I asked what the other parents do as I am interested about the set-up 🙄

If there is a cycle of when competitions are, main training is, opportunities, there will naturally be moments where I am sure coaches are fine with holiday weeks. I wouldn't be fine with a child just taking a random week off. If that's what's happened, that affects child and trainer and future plans.

And that's EXACTLY the same for many adults in work too. It's quite normal in many roles to have when holidays can be taken at set times with constraints.

In the great scheme of things, neither a couple of missed training sessions nor a missed party are likely to have a major impact on a child, but the ethos behind those decisions certainly can.
If you have a child with a dream and some talent it is a very difficult path for a parent to tread. You don't want to be the one standing in the way but at the same time you have to be the one taking the bigger picture in to account and making decisions that you believe are in your child's best interests. Young children do not have the capability to make balanced decisions around how much time/energy/money its reasonable to put into their interests and as a parent it is very difficult to get objective information.
Having experience of this kind of world, I would say the absolute guiding principle has to be that the child needs to be enjoying and benefiting from the journey in its own right, not just because of the slim possibility of some future success or professional career as a final destination. The chances of "making it" in most sports, performing arts etc are tiny even for those who seem to have all the necessary attributes at a young age and the environments can be highly toxic.
Missing a party etc is one thing if the reason is "Because I've got training and I love that more than anything. All my best friends are there, I have a great time and it makes me happier than anything else". But if the real reasoning is more like "I'd love to go to the party and see my friends but if I miss training I will get in trouble. I might not get picked for the squad, the coaches will shout at me and tell me that there are 10 girls who would love to take my place and the other girls and parents will whisper about me and be mean".
Yes, as a young person grows up they do need to learn about the relationship between hard work and results, the need for commitment, loyalty to team mates, the need to persevere when things get tough etc - these are some of the wider life skills that competitive sport brings - but those are lessons for teenagers, not 7 year olds in my opinion.
Unfortunately I know of an awful lot of young adults who are now totally messed up physically, mentally or both, as a result of these kind of commitments when they were younger and I would urge great caution of any kind of scheme that places intense demands on such young children. Balance is everything.

If it's a team sport, then would she be letting the others down if she doesn't turn up? If individual, then just ask her which she would prefer. How committed is she to this sport? You need to consider carefully whether it is what she wants, or what you want for her.

My dd spent years missing birthday parties and goodness knows what else for her dance training, but it was entirely her choice.

I think there is a misconception on this thread that it is all or nothing and that is definitely a misconception. I mentioned upstream that my DD does 20 hours a week training and would choose training over a party any day. That does not mean she does not go to parties. She goes to the ones that don’t clash with training - Friday nights, Saturday afternoons and Sundays are all fine. She’s been to a party and two sleepovers over half term while continuing her training. She goes to parties with her gym friends as well as school friends so she’s not missing out at all on parties, she just doesn’t go to the ones that clash with training. That’s all.

@taxi4ballet

If it's a team sport, then would she be letting the others down if she doesn't turn up? If individual, then just ask her which she would prefer. How committed is she to this sport? You need to consider carefully whether it is what she wants, or what you want for her.

My dd spent years missing birthday parties and goodness knows what else for her dance training, but it was entirely her choice.

The OP has stated it’s an individual sport.

OP what does your child want to do? Have you asked?

I say that because I have a friend whose child is an elite athlete. I've known this child since toddlerhood - was in the same class as my own child, who is a total couch potato

They have always been torn about it - their whole life revolves around his training schedule. He trains every day and attends school part time in order to manage it (obviously its been very different over lockdown)

He would have chosen training at 8. At any age. This is why he is where he is. Because he desperately wants to do it. He wants to be the best. This has always been his mindset since he was teeny weeny.

Your child knows they are already missing a training session. Its very hard to know what to do because 99% of the population don't understand what its like to have an elite athlete in the household (including me). You should ask what they want to do.