Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel scared for my only child

104 replies

TrentonFulch · 05/06/2021 23:54

My DS 4y/o is lovely, has friends at nursery, we as parents have stable jobs, friends, relatively normal lives. But I'm frightened that our only will be a lonely person because we grew up with siblings and cousins and regular family gatherings but he hasn't got those people. I have no idea how to navigate his life and I feel so incredibly guilty. Will he be okay? What if he's not?

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 05/06/2021 23:58

I know lots of friends with one child and they get up perfectly well balanced and sociable.

Katjolo · 06/06/2021 00:00

Is your family abroad OP?

MrsM2021 · 06/06/2021 00:22

I’m an only without a huge family network and doing just fine! Try not to overthink it, he will be ok. Just ensure you encourage play dates with peers, group parties, sleepovers etc to give him the social interaction/skills needed to continue to build personal relationships.
As an adult, most of our friends are our family anyway! I know lots of people with big families they can’t stand and don’t see 🤷🏻‍♀️

Duchess379 · 06/06/2021 00:26

I'm an only child. My parents both come from large families that they're not close to but I do keep in touch with a couple of cousins. I have lots of friends & doing ok, but I am a bit resentful that now my parents are getting older with long term health issues, it's just me to deal with it.

notangelinajolie · 06/06/2021 00:27

OP, why is he your only?
My mum was an only child and she had a lovely childhood. 100% attention from my grandparents and lots of cousins meant she was never lonely.

I think she never really gave it much thought, being on her own only really affected her as she grew older and had no one to share in the care for her elderly parents. And later, no one to share memories when her parents were gone.

WooTwo · 06/06/2021 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

klfahah · 06/06/2021 00:44

the care of elderly parents usually falls onto just one child anyway usually a daughter so having siblings doesn't often matter in that regard. this was the case for my mother as one of 5 siblings left to care for her elderly parents alone and now the case for me caring for my parents and I have a sibling who doesn't even phone to see how they are or how I am coping with caring for them. I have a social worker friend who sees this situation all the time. I am not close to my sibling at all we are very different I find it hard to believe we are even related we are so different. friends are so much better in my opinion as you can choose them. your child will be just fine as an only.

Original poster
TrentonFulch · 06/06/2021 00:45

@Katjolo

Is your family abroad OP?
No, they are within 40 min drive. Parents and PIL are frail, siblings not very emotionally available
OP posts:
Original poster
TrentonFulch · 06/06/2021 00:48

@notangelinajolie

OP, why is he your only? My mum was an only child and she had a lovely childhood. 100% attention from my grandparents and lots of cousins meant she was never lonely. I think she never really gave it much thought, being on her own only really affected her as she grew older and had no one to share in the care for her elderly parents. And later, no one to share memories when her parents were gone.
He's an only because DP and I met late 30s, struggled to conceive & since developed health conditions. Just fate's poor timing, really. I'd have loved 3. I'm so very sad.
OP posts:
astonafar · 06/06/2021 00:48

I am not an only but only had my parents, grandmother and sister. My sister and grandmother died. I now only have my parents. It is fine. My parents were sociable, I had and still have lots of friends. And I have my own family.
Yes sometimes I have been a bit envious of friends who have cousins or other family giving them practical help. But we manage fine.
Just be sociable and make sure your DC has lots of opportunity to mix with others.

Original poster
TrentonFulch · 06/06/2021 00:50

I want to thank everyone for their replies. I am sat here crying my eyes out but grateful for the kindness of strangers Flowers

OP posts:
BraveBraveMouse · 06/06/2021 00:52

I feel the same way OP. I'd planned to take DD out to loads of toddler groups etc to try and build a network of mummy friends and playdates but Covid has left us very isolated as a family.

astonafar · 06/06/2021 00:53

@BraveBraveMouse I know it must be hard, but your DD is still very young. There is lots of time to build this up.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/06/2021 01:05

I'm an only child and I am perfectly fine. Having siblings is irrelevant as to whether someone is happy as an adult.

ColaOlaLa · 06/06/2021 01:06

Siblings are overrated, I don’t speak to mine 🤷‍♀️

Notmenottoday · 06/06/2021 01:10

Lots of love to you OP. Our DD is an only I’m not yet sure the doubt ever leaves you, it still sits with me. Both myself and DH are from frankly huge families but none are close (though some pretend to be). I think about this often and still worry about DD being lonely. The truth is we spend so much more time with DD than any of our parents ever did with us.

I try to remind myself that while she may miss out on sibling relationships she gets a far more substantial parental relationship twice over. Though i still worry...

Rangoon · 06/06/2021 01:28

I'd have loved a sibling but my parents couldn't have any more children. Their families lived overseas so I missed out on cousins. I did worry about being on my own when they died as they were older. Well they turned out to be long lived, I marrried into a big family and I have two children of my own.

My parents are both dead and I miss them a lot but I was lucky to have them into middle age. I do know I got extra opportunities as only child and a lot of extra help and encouragement. So everything did work out. I am happily married, have a well paid professional job and a detached house in a leafy suburb. I hope that is reassuring.

idontlikealdi · 06/06/2021 01:29

I don't speak to my sister. I have at last count 54 first cousins on my mums side.

There's several in that batch of families that argue and fall out all the time.

A large family isn't a bed of roses.

Original poster
TrentonFulch · 06/06/2021 01:31

I don't think I will ever stop crying

OP posts:
supersonicsue · 06/06/2021 03:47

I had a wonderful childhood as an only. Couldn't have been better.

However, now as a 50 something with both parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles all having passed away I am finding it so very tough. No one to do the "do you remembers" with, and feeling isolated from the rest of society, bit of a genetic freak. This is compounded by the fact I was unable to have biological children of my own, and I now always feel lonely, even when surrounded by (non biological) friends and loved ones. It's hard now.

supersonicsue · 06/06/2021 03:50

I don't think I will ever stop crying

I really do understand (see my post above). And it's also ok to cry xx

Mrbob · 06/06/2021 04:34

I think you are projecting your sadness on him. He will be absolutely fine. I love my sister but live on the opposite side of the world and am not devastated!
You sound like you need to talk to someone to work through your grief. Otherwise you are going to make him feel like he SHOULD be sad when there is really no reason

Nancydrawn · 06/06/2021 04:46

Oh, OP, he'll have found family. He'll have dear friends, and the children of your friends, and adults that mean the world to him. Most of the people I love most in the world aren't technically related to me, by blood or by marriage. They're just the people who have become my family over the years.

It's a rich, deep, and strong network of loving people who are far closer to me than cousins who live across the country or an uncle abroad whom I never see. There are about two dozen people I could call in the middle of the night in an emergency who would help however they could--and I would do the same in return. Some are my parents' friends, some are my own. Many I've known for decades, and I love them dearly.

It's a joyous thing. I totally understand how you feel--but you haven't failed him in any way. He has an exciting and loving life ahead of him.

Serpenta · 06/06/2021 04:50

@TrentonFulch

I don't think I will ever stop crying
With the greatest of respect this is not normal. Please speak to someone.
Serpenta · 06/06/2021 04:53

Please don't blight your kid's childhood with self-indulgent wailings of 'oh there should have been three of you. boo hoo'

Embrace the family you have.

Swipe left for the next trending thread