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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel scared for my only child

104 replies

TrentonFulch · 05/06/2021 23:54

My DS 4y/o is lovely, has friends at nursery, we as parents have stable jobs, friends, relatively normal lives. But I'm frightened that our only will be a lonely person because we grew up with siblings and cousins and regular family gatherings but he hasn't got those people. I have no idea how to navigate his life and I feel so incredibly guilty. Will he be okay? What if he's not?

OP posts:
Belliphat · 06/06/2021 08:32

I was a bit lonely as an only - as a young child but that was mainly because children are hard to be good friends with as they are pretty erratic. My life has always been full of brilliant people, I find friends wherever I go and I think it’s because I am an only. I wouldn’t change being able to pick the people in my life. My husbands relatives are no comparison.
Maybe you need to mourn the loss of what you hoped for. I was sad my parents couldn’t come on walks with the kids as they were too old. It really stayed with me but I think, after reflection, it was just a reminder that I could have had mine earlier. Have you found it hard to make friends? Your boy is already ok as he has people who love him enough to care - that underpins our future relationships.

Aneley · 06/06/2021 08:34

I feel exactly the same, @TrentonFulch!
It took us 7 years of fertility treatments to have DD. She is 18m and I am turning 40 next year. Due to fertility issues and the fact I almost died giving birth to her, it is 99% chance she'll stay the only child. Now, on one hand - it means we'll be able to give her opportunities we wouldn't be able to give to a same extent if she had a sibling... but on the other...

My dad is an only child and I saw first hand how hard it was for him caring for his parents towards the end of their lives without anyone to share responsibility with. I was also super-worried about him as his health started to deteriorate and he and my mum divorced. But then, he met and married a wonderful woman who is a lovely wife to him and a great friend to me.

I have a sibling and a few cousins (from my mum's side) I was close to growing up... however, we all live in different countries, even different continents now.

I think it is very normal you feel the way you do. You love your child and you want what's best for them. The best I can offer in terms of comfort is - whenever I get the blues, I tell myself how grateful I am for having DD and promise to put my all to help her grow into a strong, independent and resilient woman.

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 06/06/2021 08:36

This is your grief for the family you wanted to have, which is completely understandable and legitimate. But it’s spilling over into unfounded concern for your DS who will be absolutely fine.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 06/06/2021 08:42

My experience of onlies is that they’re often better at friendship networks. They work at friendships from a young age. My four, close in age, dc are apt to be lazy about friendships because they know they always have each other.

It’s been tough for only children during lockdown (one of my children actually said that it made her really grateful for her siblings), but... well, hopefully it’s a one-off event.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 06/06/2021 08:47

I am a bit resentful that now my parents are getting older with long term health issues, it's just me to deal with it.

This is the only reason I'm concerned for my only child. As with you OP, we started late - I had her when I was nearly 41.

Before covid we used to make sure she had some child company every single day. She's got a lot of friends (although no 'best' friend), she's super sociable, and when I watch her in the park or whatever, I'm really impressed by her ability to just go up to groups of kids and introduce herself.

If you are struggling to handle it - and it's a grief thing, you're grieving what 'could have been', then get some therapy for that. Sounds blunt, but you need to be in your best place to be a mum.

WhatAWasteOfOranges · 06/06/2021 08:49

@TrentonFulch

I don't think I will ever stop crying
I mean this with kindness but toughen up a bit - from what you’ve said he is healthy and happy so why so much sadness? Onlies can have wonderful childhood, they get all their parents attention and are generally able to cultivate their interests - you’ll have more money to send him to clubs/ have him pursue his interests. You’ll likely to able to help him more through uni/ housing ladder etc. He will make friends/ have his own relationships through life - not having a sibling is not the be all and end all.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/06/2021 08:50

YABVU, yes. I'm an only child and I was fine.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 06/06/2021 08:55

Positives of only children for the child:

Loads of attention from parents
More chance to build strong parental relationships
Opportunities like holidays, experiences etc - less cost, no clashes
Anecdotally - good at making friends, creative in play

Positives of only children for the parent/s:

Only one pregnancy/birth (for me it was risky)
Only having to do the 'we're bringing a stranger into our home' thing once!
One child one parent out of the house = one parent down time

Positives for the environment:

We've got enough humans!

Looubylou · 06/06/2021 09:07

I worry about the same situation OP. However, we can't change the lack of siblings, but we can encourage positive relationships with others and offer lots of other opportunities to socialise with friends. Focus on social skills, building resilience, and also being happy in his own company. There are many adults, without family, who manage just fine. There are also those with huge families, who are a source of unhappiness. Please discuss your feelings with your GP if you are feeling consistently low/tearful. 💐

ChangePart1 · 06/06/2021 09:09

My life would be and would have been a much happier, less traumatic one if I’d been an only child.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/06/2021 09:19

Glad you're feeling better OP.

Being an only child is not at all unusual these days, and as long as you are sociable he won't miss out.

Having a mother who is sad and can't stop crying about you being an only child would be a much, much bigger problem in every way. You can definitely come to terms with this (or whatever else is making you sad), and enjoy all the wonderful things in your life.

KateKeeper · 06/06/2021 10:05

I'm glad you're feeling better OP!

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 06/06/2021 10:37

@TrentonFulch my mum was an only child, I am and my dd is. It's wonderful. You have the time and money (usually!) to do things together and can build a really strong bond.
I've never regretted being an only child. I have cousins, we aren't particularly close, but have got closer as adults.
My dad on the other hand is one of an incredibly large family. They all hate each other. He hasn't had contact with any of them for 30 or 40 years.

SinkGirl · 06/06/2021 10:41

I have twins and people think this means an incredible bond. But they are both autistic and completely oblivious to each other, so having siblings doesn’t necessarily mean much. We have a tiny family, only a couple of adults we have any contact with. I feel so envious of big families sometimes and desperately miss my mum. We’ve considered having another child to make our own bigger family but I know it’s not a good idea.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 06/06/2021 10:42

Also, I am happy in my own company (a blessing during lockdown) and can talk to anyone. It's the best of both worlds. I'm happy in large groups of people, even with those I don't know. I think the confidence comes from having lots of adult company when I was younger as I was the youngest one in my family.

Echobelly · 06/06/2021 10:43

Nephew is an only child and seems to be doing fine - my sister had secondary infertility so couldn't conceive again. It sounds to me like you are (and it's understandable) really caught up in sadness about not being able to have another and should probably seek counselling about this. Being an only child is a not a problem, but being one with a mother who is filled with anxiety about him being such could create issues if not dealt with, so please do talk to someone.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 06/06/2021 10:44

My best mate has 2 siblings and when her parents died she was the only one doing anything. Her brother and sister were useless.

Confusedaboutlots · 06/06/2021 10:50

im an only and honestly i’m more than fine! being an only meant i had such a lovely childhood - love, care and attention from my dear parents. it also meant i was confident and independent in my own thought.

growing up and now in my mid 30s i am lucky to have a rich network of dear friends who are like my siblings and my own husband and child (and my in laws) so i never ever feel lonely to be honest - literally ever.

honestly it’s more than fine - i can’t imagine my life any other way - so please don’t beat yourself up about a possible terrible future that is unlikely to happen

Confusedaboutlots · 06/06/2021 10:54

in terms of caring for elderly parents my husband cared for his mum without his siblings help due to distance - so having siblings for that purpose isn’t the be all and end all at all

plus extended family are helpful also

EmeraldShamrock · 06/06/2021 10:58

He'll be more than okay. He'll have confidence and love and many friendships throughout his life.
If he is socially okay in nursery around others that is great, He'll have the best of both worlds.
I had my 2nd when my first was 6 she wasn't happy it definitely changed our relationship I really missed our 1on1 relationship too.
She is 12 now and still would've preferred to stay an only DC. Grin

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 06/06/2021 11:07

I'm an only child. I have one cousin that I am very, very close to - we see each other as almost sisters.

My children are all grown now but I am now caring for my mum. Although my DH is wonderful and my cousin is a great shoulder to cry on the burden is all on me and I sometimes wonder if life would be easier if I had a sibling. But I have a friend who spent most of her adult life caring for her parents while her sibling moved away and hardly visited. I prefer to be an only child than to be the one doing everything with a sibling who didn't help.

Growing up I loved being an only child and even now even though there is no one else to support my mum I wouldn't change a thing.

blaisealex · 06/06/2021 12:53

@bert3400

I'm an only from a single mum ....no family growing up. It made me incredibly confident in making friends as I got older. I had a pretty good childhood with lots of emotional attention . Your son will be just fine
Same circumstances for me, an only from a single mum. Hated it. Was incredibly lonely. Our dog, growing up, was my best friend. Always wanted a big family with a Dad and a sibling.
gingerbiscuits · 06/06/2021 16:47

This is an interesting one. I'm an only child & have really hated it all my life whereas my husband is one of 3 & feels completely 'meh' about his siblings - doesn't see them from one year to the next. (Live approx. 100miles apart.)

Our son is an only child (due to infertility not choice) & I have stressed so much over the years about the impact on him. I definitely caught myself overcompensating on many occasions.

However, he's now a perfectly well balanced, happy, polite, empathetic 14yr old & a recent conversation with him revealed that he's totally fine with it & has apparently never craved siblings! He's loved having 100% of our attention & realises how lucky he's been in terms of material possessions, holidays, activities, etc. He genuinely seems absolutely fine with it.

We made a point of surrounding him with friends, getting him involved in clubs & teams, taught him how to share & take turns etc when he was little & latterly have gone to great lengths to help him appreciate the value of money etc.

I guess it's all down to the individual child & how you parent.

I'm sure your little man will be fine. Don't tie yourself up in knots about it like I did!

FortunesFave · 06/06/2021 22:12

It's so weird for us people with siblings who just don't get involved too...why have mine never really cared? They were great when we were kids but once I had kids they all seemed too busy really. Never went shopping with them or anything. never had a night out together.

VeryQuaintIrene · 06/06/2021 22:24

As an only child, I can confirm that my childhood was mostly very happy, (unhappiness not caused by being an only) and the major effect of being an only child is that I am brilliant at entertaining myself. I also have plenty of friends. I agree with someone about who says it's hard with elderly parents. Your unhappiness sounds more about you than about your child.