To feel scared for my only child

[TrentonFulch]

My DS 4y/o is lovely, has friends at nursery, we as parents have stable jobs, friends, relatively normal lives. But I'm frightened that our only will be a lonely person because we grew up with siblings and cousins and regular family gatherings but he hasn't got those people. I have no idea how to navigate his life and I feel so incredibly guilty. Will he be okay? What if he's not?

Op don't forget, he'll probably have a family of his own one day and a good circle of friends. He'll be fine.
I'm an only child and have some lovely people around me. I see the drama and stress of some large families and feel grateful that I don't have to put up with any of that!

Please don’t worry and certainly not feel that you’ll be crying forever. In the gentlest way possible it might be wise to speak to someone concerning your sorrow at not having other children. My biggest advice is don’t pin all your ‘hopes’ on your DS and make him feel that as he is the only that it’s on him to do well at school/have a high flying career etc etc. My parents didn’t and I was allowed to be happy first ahead of anything else. I’m an only, I have genuinely never struggled socially or professionally in terms of mixing and can honestly say it has had no impact on my life at all (that I’m aware of). It’s not something I sit and think about or worry about and certainly not something I resent my parents for. In contrast, DM is 1 of 4 siblings and for many reasons will never speak to anyone in her family again (including her mother) and if asked will say the only family she has is me and my DC. My DF is 1/4 and see’s/speaks to his siblings and family at weddings/funerals only. There’s no guarantee that bigger families are close or likely to stay in each other’s lives either. It’s luck, circumstance and personality.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Even if your DD did have a sibling you have no way of knowing whether it would have been a positive thing. Your DD will be fine but you must be careful not to pass on your anxiety about them being an only child and openly celebrate your family as it is.

My best friend has one daughter as they were unable to have more children. Honestly they are so happy as a family of three and their 13 yr old daughter has told me she loves being an only.

I'm an only child. Grew up in another country so didn't have an interaction with my ( one) auntie and uncle. Grandparents were all deceased so it was really just my parents and I. I didn't feel the slightest bit lonely or hard done by. And I'm an introvert so I didn't have loads of friends or anything. But I had a few good friends, and we had a great childhood together and some fantastic times as teenagers. Your child will be fine - please don't feel bad or guilty about this !

Your crying and guilt seems rather extreme to me - you are assuming that he will have a horrible lonely life simply because you couldn't have more children. Not so. He won't . And please don't project your feelings onto him - he doesn't need to be pitied for something which in all likelihood won't happen.

My DH is one of 9 and he doesn't speak to any of them. Big families are not always happy families.

I'm an only from a single mum ....no family growing up. It made me incredibly confident in making friends as I got older. I had a pretty good childhood with lots of emotional attention . Your son will be just fine

Just wanted to offer you some reassurance, OP. I’m the only child of one of my parents and am not close to my half-siblings due to age, geography and family issues. I didn’t grow up with them past the age of 7. My parents are only children and by the time I was born my remaining grandparents were very elderly so I really had no relationship with them. However - I wasn’t lonely as a child and as an adult I’m happy in my own company but also make friends easily. I was always doing some activity or other when I was growing up, which gave me a lot of confidence, Your little one will be just fine.

I imagine if you did a random poll at least 50% of people have zero contact with their siblings.

I'm an only child and so was my DM and we were both perfectly happy. Family aren't everything, friends can be just as important, or even more important. I think you need to start enjoying your DS instead of worrying about him. There are many only children in the world, and I've seen nothing to suggest they warrant crying over.

OP I realky struggled with this too. In fact I ended up having some coinselling about it. But 10 years later dd (now 13) is absolutely fine. She has plenty of friends and has only once or twice asked me why no sibling.

There is the caring for elderly parents thing but although I have a very nice brother, he moved to the other side of the world many years ago so that completely fell to me to do anyway. DH doesn't get on with his brothers so there we are. Siblings are no guarantee of any sort of robust support network.

OP this does sound a bit more than just feeling a bit sad. Consider speking to your gp if it carries on.

What’s the alternative? That you wish he had never been born? It’s possibly only much, much later in life that some things may be difficult for your child - 50s onward- as people have said. I know lots of only children. They’re all fine, all through adulthood.

Essentially it's a grief reaction for the other child/children you thought you would have, complicated by guilt and grief for DS sibling relationship which will not exist. There are some very strong and understandable feelings and emotions at play. It would also be understandable if some support is needed to resolve it.

We have 4 children and the fact they interact with each other makes them the most antisocial to others and their friends who are only children or have a huge gap are the most sociable! Of course your child will be fine. OP a bit of self care and talk to someone in real life if you're feeling overly sad. Take care

My sibling is an awful person and we've not spoken for over 5 years. It's no guarantee of a friend for life.

Don't project your feelings and get some help if you're struggling.

We have an only child - she's absolutely fine. I made sure she had loads of playdates when she was young, as she got into secondary school she had plenty of friends, was always out and about and never isolated. She was very confident and left home at eighteen. Now happily married with a little boy of her own. A huge advantage for her of being an only child is that we have been able to focus our help on her alone - so she has had help with rent when younger, a very nice wedding and a sizeable house deposit. For inheritance tax planning we are going to help them also with the next move up to a bigger property in a few years time. I'm sure your boy will give you huge joy, and he will be just fine. Relax!!!!

You need help to address the anxiety you have about this.

It's not good that you are so upset about it, but it is good that you are aware of the limitations. In your situation I would invite his friends over for playdates as often as possible and when they are old enough for regular sleepovers. Sign him up for Beavers, Cubs, Scouts, football practise etc and if you are religious, get involved in a church with an active families programme. A lively church will include loads of camps and get togethers and definitely see themselves as a church 'family'.

Try and maintain good friendships with a number of local families and have them over for BBQs or even go away with them on holiday. This gives the continuity of people over the years.

As he gets older he'll have school, clubs, sports, music, friends and partners. No reason to think he'll be lonely.

I'm sorry you're sad My closest friend is an only child. Her mum had a very difficult pregnancy and couldn't have another. My friend is one of the most sociable people you could meet. Loads more friends than me. She really appreciates the opportunities she's had in life too.
This sounds more like your grief for what you thought you'd have. Would you be able to access some counselling for that? Don't worry about your little boy though. He sounds absolutely fine

I'm an only with a very small family. In all honesty I didn't even notice. I never felt lonely and I have always enjoyed my own company (which is good thing).

I'm sort of an only child - have three older half siblings who stayed with us every other weekend only. Honestly I found it tough and lonely, but it didn't help that we lived in the middle of nowhere with no other kids around, my parents both worked very long days, a d I was very aware that I was "not one of them" when it came to my siblings.

Now I'm an adult I'm sad I don't have any "traditional" sibling bonds. I'm friendly with my siblings but not close and I'm a bit envious of the closeness between other sibling pairs I know. I would not want DD to be an only child.

All that said, I'm certainly okay. I have plenty of support from my parents.

So you grew up socialising with siblings and cousins, but now none of those people, or their children, are available to be part of your or your DS's life?

Doesn't that tell you that being part of a big family doesn't always work out socially?

I'm an only with an only. I would have preferred two but it wasn't to be.

I made very strong friendships as a child and young adult. The only time I really felt any hardship of being an only was when my mum got cancer for the second time in my 20s. Thankfully she pulled through but I did find that hard.

I have one sibling who is severely disabled and one much younger cousin. DH is an only who does have lots of cousins but isn't in contact with any of them.

It's honestly fine. I do feel a bit jealous of people with larger families, but I also witness the drama involved sometimes and am quite glad to miss out on all that!

My biggest long term worry is that I will be responsible for both my parents and sibling as they grow older but my parents have planned ahead for this (sibling now in residential care etc) which is the most they can do really. As a PP said, it's often one child who takes on this burden of caring for elderly parents anyway even if there are siblings. My mum sorted everything for my grandmother in her final years as her sibling had moved abroad.

Op, don't be sad about it. He'll be absolutely fine. I know lots of only child's (adult ones) who get by just fine. They all have lots of friends. Maybe BECAUSE they're an only child they developed more friendships. A good friend can sometimes be worth a lot more than a sibling. Don't worry, he'll be ok.

If you feel this way it is important that your dc never knows. How awful to learn that whatever you did you wouldn't be good enough, just because you were only you.

My sibling isn't friend or a support. They are quite the opposite. A combination of a jealous manipulative personality and mental health troubles generate a lot of stress for the rest of the family. My life would be much more pleasant as an only.

I have four children, two of them don’t speak to each other. They never see their cousins.
Friends are much better than family.