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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel scared for my only child

104 replies

TrentonFulch · 05/06/2021 23:54

My DS 4y/o is lovely, has friends at nursery, we as parents have stable jobs, friends, relatively normal lives. But I'm frightened that our only will be a lonely person because we grew up with siblings and cousins and regular family gatherings but he hasn't got those people. I have no idea how to navigate his life and I feel so incredibly guilty. Will he be okay? What if he's not?

OP posts:

farmerswifey2 · 06/06/2021 07:13

I'm an only, married to an only and as a 30 something, I am noticing the absence of siblings more than ever. Growing up, it was never a problem, I had lots of friends and a busy social life but as a parent, my children don't have aunts, uncles or cousins which I find incredibly sad.
I have a couple of friends who I am very close to but it's still not the same as having family ties and relatives to visit.

Iwonder08 · 06/06/2021 07:18

I am the only child and I have the only child by choice. Would I chose to have just one if it was all the way you described?
You had a fantasy of 3 kids and you are now touring yourself under a false pretence that you worry your child will be lonely. It is you who wants 3 kids, not your child. Perhaps try to get a grip or some counseling. Your statement that you will never stop crying is worrying, with this attitude you will spoil your your child's childhood. It is amazing growing up as the only child, all the undivided attention, all the opportunities. As it happens very often siblings are not close to eacher at the best case.

BiniorellaSun · 06/06/2021 07:24

Of course he will be fine. Only here and I’m happy, lovely DH and lots of friends.
DS is also an only and he’s happy although I try hard to plan activities and play dates as much as possible.
Try to embrace the things that you can do more with one. It’s much easier to travel and you can afford to give them more opportunities.

FortunesFave · 06/06/2021 07:32

I have three siblings OP. I never thought I'd say this but here I am at 48 and barely in touch with them.

One went weird and isolated herself with her DH...tried to lift herself into the middle classes and thought we weren't good enough. The other is just very wrapped up in her own family and has never been interested in things like going shopping with me or anything.

And my brother has mental health problems that mean I don't want to be around him.

It's not all Waltons you know...try to focus on giving him plenty of opportunities with clubs and hobbies. I know loads of single children and they're all fine!

TentTalk · 06/06/2021 07:36

He'll be fine. You are pushing your grief over not having more children on to your child when in reality he'll be fine (and according to much research, better off) as an only child.

romdowa · 06/06/2021 07:37

I've a younger sibling, my parents had them so that I wouldn't be alone and would always have someone. They spent years as a nasty alcoholic, ruined all our lives and now even though they are sober we don't speak. They are still nasty and bitter. I'm happy out not having them in my life. We've never really gotten on and it only got worse as we got older.

TillyTopper · 06/06/2021 07:38

I'm an only child and didn't have a large extended family either. I'm fine! I honestly think you are over thinking it.

diamondpony80 · 06/06/2021 07:44

@TrentonFulch

I don't think I will ever stop crying

I think it's better for your kid that you are emotionally stable than for him to have siblings. Maybe some kind of grief counselling? I do understand how you feel, but at the same time I know many only children (my mum, my best friend etc.) that are absolutely fine and had a great childhood.

Pinkdelight3 · 06/06/2021 07:45

Parents and PIL are frail, siblings not very emotionally available

Okay, so even growing up around more family members hasn't given you a wealth of relatives around you for support. There are no guarantees no matter how big a family is. You have to find a way to stop focusing on what you haven't got and cherish what you have, which sounds like a lot.

CecilyP · 06/06/2021 07:46

He’ll be fine. I also think you are projecting your disappointment at not having more children on to him. He’s happy now and there is no reason to assume that he won’t continue to be. Are you also perhaps imagining him always as a little 4 year old alone in the world? That won’t be the case; one day he will be a man with his own friends and his own family!

userxx · 06/06/2021 07:50

I'm an only child, never been an issue, I've got tons of friends who I consider family. It's really not an issue 🤷‍♂️

Phyllis321 · 06/06/2021 07:51

My only is fine. Kind, articulate and he has a good friendship group.
When we occasionally stay with friends with multiple children, he loves it but is very glad to have his own space back when we leave!
I’ve been teaching for over 20 years and seen many kids with emotional problems- there truly isn’t any obvious correlation between siblings and good mental health. In fact, possibly the opposite.
Your LO will be just fine if they are lived and valued.

Phyllis321 · 06/06/2021 07:51

Loved!

harridan50 · 06/06/2021 07:51

Concentrate on creating a happy family with the one you have, Have lots of playdates make friends with other parents and have fun.

Thisisthepoint · 06/06/2021 07:52

I’m an only child and my own DS is an only child, due to me having him late in life.

Growing up I don’t recall feeling sad about not having siblings. As an adult sometimes I think it would be nice to have a sibling but there’s no guarantee we’d even like each other or be in contact.

I didn’t grow up with any family around me as both sides of my family lived in two other countries, but we used to fly to see them every two years or so. I realise this is more unusual though.

For DS we ensure that he can meet his friends for play dates etc and that, most importantly for us, he does activities not related to school so that he has made friends from elsewhere too. He only has one cousin and one aunt and uncle, and we try to foster a good relationship with them but his extended family will always be tiny. He has one grandparent and I’m NC with my parents.

Remember the saying that ‘good friends are the family we choose for ourselves,’ and while this probably more applies to adults rather than fickle childhood friendships, you can teach and encourage your child to nurture his good friendships to help set him up for life to have good people around him.

Phyllis321 · 06/06/2021 07:53

...and completely agree that ‘found family’ can be even better than biological family. I adore my friends, they’re like sisters to me.

Twoforthree · 06/06/2021 08:01

But to counterbalance any disadvantages, will be lots of advantages that he’ll benefit from, in terms of financial, attention etc.

GoldBar · 06/06/2021 08:02

We're in the same situation. One almost 4yo, secondary infertility. No cousins here and unlikely to be any cousins.

We're still trying but I've resigned myself to only having one if it doesn't work out. Our DC is fantastic enough to make up for the lack of siblings .

They're also much more confident than I remember being at that age (I'm one of 4) and I'm not sure whether that is down to more parental attention and help making friends. We were quite shy and introverted as children and our parents didn't have a lot of resources to spend helping us adapt. With one DC, we will be able to afford private school, great birthday parties, lots of activities. And I'll have the energy to promote their friendships by doing frequent playdates and sleepovers.

The one change I'll probably make if we end up only having one DC is only to work 3 days a week while they are in primary school so I am around to do playdates after school. I'll also be more proactive in encouraging them to join sports teams etc. to give them the chance to build close friends. These are things that our parents didn't do for us when we were growing up (we weren't really allowed playdates and sleepovers) and in retrospect I think they would have been useful to help us form strong friendships.

It's not ideal in my view....not because there's anything wrong with having an only child but because it's not what we wanted. It's very much 'every cloud has a silver lining' stuff. But it helps me to see that there are ways we can encourage our DC to build close relationships with others while they'll still have all the material advantages of being an only child. And that means that my grief and sadness is for me not having another child, not for my DC...and I can cope with that.

TheVanguardSix · 06/06/2021 08:06

I’d really get some sort o counselling OP. Your DC is fine! You’re in bits. What are you mourning/missing?

user1471538283 · 06/06/2021 08:07

I'm an only and my DS is as well. It really worries me what will happen when I'm gone. I'm hoping he will have his own family by then. We've lots alot of family members and we are only really close to one now.

But DS like I has really good friends that are more like family. Our friends actively look after each other.

MsTSwift · 06/06/2021 08:16

Dh is very different to his parents we see them occasionally but it’s abit of a duty call on both sides and they live miles away. He is not close to his brother either. Frankly he would be absolutely fine without those relationships they are very peripheral. He has us and gets on really well with my parents and siblings who are much more like minded.

Fernie6491 · 06/06/2021 08:20

Try not to overthink it. I am an only child, our DD is an only child, her DH is an only and their DS is an only!

We are all pretty sociable and outgoing, and not lacking in friends.
I think instilling confidence into your only child may be the key. It's possible to have a very full and fulfilling life. Our grandson is only 10 but has loads of friends and is a very happy and confident boy!

PaperMonster · 06/06/2021 08:24

My parents were both onlies - I have lots of cousins and pre-covid we had lovely family gatherings. They both managed to navigate growing up just fine!! I have an only and she’s certainly not lonely and is surrounded by many people who love her. Your son will surround himself with his own family and friends when he is older and will probably be absolutely fine. There are very many only children, and they grow up just fine! It sounds like you’re grieving for the children you couldn’t have - be kind to yourself xxx

MsTSwift · 06/06/2021 08:26

As a young teen I was envious of my friend who was an only. Their family had a fun dynamic it was just her and her parents who did cool things together- far more fun than having to do worthy day trips suitable for younger siblings this was my 13 year old view anyway !

Original poster

TrentonFulch · 06/06/2021 08:31

And this is why I posted in AIBU. Everyone, THANK YOU! I've so much more clarity and calm this morning. I'll look into counselling. It's my issue, not my fabulous DS's.

OP posts:

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