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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at getting home to this...

141 replies

Hourbyehours · 05/06/2021 20:27

First day out with a friend since sept last year, come home house is as I left it, kids beds not made, dirty washing in their rooms, dishwasher not emptied and washing up piled in the sink, loads of flies in the kitchen because food left out and surfaces covered in food bits. Mess in front room which my husband left from last night. I know I’m being a bit grouchy, but I really object to having a day off and then coming home to mess! Plus I am working tomorrow 0700 start.... husband says it’s not fair for me to come home and moan because he would never do that... my repsone was that he wouldn’t come home to that mess in the the first place!

OP posts:

FierceBarrie · 07/06/2021 02:37

@melj1213

Tbh if this was a one off I couldn't get that worked up about it. If this was a regular, daily occurance then I'd be pissed off but everyone can have a lazy weekend.

So the kids beds weren't made and their dirty laundry was on the floor - in my house DD is responsible for her bed and laundry anyway, I don't care if she makes her bed every day (it's actually better to leave the duvet off to air out the bed for at least a couple of hours every day anyway, especially as the weather is warming up) and she knows that any clothes not in the laundry bin won't get washed so it's up to her to put dirty clothes in the right place.

As for the kitchen, it would annoy me but again as a one off I wouldn't be that bothered- currently my sink is still full of dishes from today because DD and I went out right after breakfast to enjoy the glorious weather, got home in the early evening and I just could not be bothered with all the washing up after dinner so as a one off I have left everything in the sink and will do it tomorrow (no dishwasher).

So what if it’s a ‘one off’? How does that help the OP?

The mess is there because the husband and kids had zero intention of ever doing it, and were leaving it for the OP to do, when she got home.

It doesn’t matter if you leave your dishes because you couldn’t be bothered doing them, as a ‘one off’.

Someone else leaving them for you to do because you’re the skivvy? That’s not OK, even as a one off.

FierceBarrie · 07/06/2021 02:42

@SuperSecretSquirrels

I don’t quite get it, but I might be being pedantic.

You say the house was just as you left it? Why do you expect it to be better when you get home, unless it has been agreed that people would clean while you were away?

Although I suspect you mean that it was significantly worse than when you left it?

What’s not to get?

She left it in a bit of a mess (beds un-made, dishes not done, surfaces not wiped down, etc, etc).

She came to it in a bit of a mess - beds un-made, dishes not done, surfaces not wiped down, etc, etc.

Of course she should have expected it to be tidier when she got home.

Taikoo · 07/06/2021 03:33

Leave it.
Tell them to clean up.

expatinspain · 07/06/2021 06:25

Get a cleaner. No more angst for you, and no arguments about who did/didn't do whatever...life's too short. Such a MN answer 😂 Not everyone is in a financial position to afford a cleaner, you know!

MindyStClaire · 07/06/2021 08:03

And a cleaner once a week won't magically mean no one has to wash up from breakfast everyday.

OP he's punishing you for having the temerity to go out and leave the lowly woman stuff of childcare and housework to him. Raise hell.

melj1213 · 07/06/2021 08:14

The mess is there because the husband and kids had zero intention of ever doing it, and were leaving it for the OP to do, when she got home.

Where does the OP say that they had no intention of ever doing it? She said it was all still there but, other than the kitchen, it was one day of not making beds or picking up clothes - nothing that was essential, just the OPS preference to have it done.

Someone else leaving them for you to do because you’re the skivvy? That’s not OK, even as a one off.

Again, nobody forced the OP to do anything. So they didn't clear up while she wasn't there, they didn't force her to do it when she got home, she chose to clear up because it's her preference.

My point was that one day of unmade beds and a messy kitchen is not the end of the world - clearly the OP has higher standards than her family so she either needs to ask them to up their game or accept that they aren't bothered by unmade beds and some pots in the sink and she either needs to leave them for her family to do at their leisure or do them now herself while acknowledging that she is doing so because she chose to.

This is an issue I haven't had since uni when I lived with friends in a shared house - I definitely had higher standards of cleaning than others so we had to compromise, we agreed to a standard level.of clean that was more than they were used to but less than I was - if I wanted it to be cleaner then the onus was on me to do it because I was the only one bothered by it. Clearly in this house the OP is the one with the higher standard buy you cannot unilaterally decide everyone must behave to your standard 100% of the time

stackemhigh · 07/06/2021 08:17

I work full time and do all the housework and he doesn’t seem to have any idea what that takes

He does know, he just doesn't give a shit.

He needs to do 50% of the housework, stop thinking his time is more valuable than yours or that he is more stressed.

stackemhigh · 07/06/2021 08:18

@melj1213 OP does all the housework and works full time. Your post non-sensical.

FierceBarrie · 07/06/2021 08:20

Where does the OP say that they had no intention of ever doing it?

Because she came back and they hadn’t done it?

They clearly had zero intention of ever doing it.

Dentistlakes · 07/06/2021 09:00

YANBU. They should have got on with the tidying/cleaning in your absence. There’s no excuse.

expatinspain · 07/06/2021 10:01

Again, nobody forced the OP to do anything. So they didn't clear up while she wasn't there, they didn't force her to do it when she got home, she chose to clear up because it's her preference
I can see your point with beds and a bit of dirty washing, but dishes stacked up, mess left in the living room for over 24 hours (not made by OP) and bits of food all over the kitchen, that's too much. If she didn't clean it up and everything was left again for another 24 hours, then another, what then?! That's not a preference, that's living in an unhygienic hovel. A bit of untidiness is one thing, but flies in your house and food debris all over the kitchen is just unacceptable and it's disrespectful to not clean it up. It's a family home, not student accommodation.

SherbrookeFosterer · 07/06/2021 10:04

You have to delegate more, especially as you are working.

jentinquarantino20 · 07/06/2021 10:31

Your OH earns more cos he’s male, not that he’s more important. You made children together, got a house together, he’s home when you’re not so he does something. I will admit as being a single parent of 2, it’s asking too much for children to do anything but a fully grown man should be helping when you’re at work all day and he’s home. Makes me glad I’m single really because I get the stress with just the kids wrecking my home.

Whyhello · 07/06/2021 10:42

I’d probably ignore the beds but the rest of it would fuck me off. He sounds like a lazy bastard, I can’t believe he ignored a big pile of washing up for so long it was crawling with flies. Rank.

applespearslemons · 07/06/2021 14:30

Do.. Not. Clean. Up. That. Mess, OP

PeachyPeachTrees · 07/06/2021 16:17

I wouldn't expect it all done but I also wouldn't expect nothing done. You're both working full time and the housework should be split 50/50 or whatever works for you as a family. That might be 60 you 40 him for example. No way 100 you and 0 him!

Idogiveadamn · 08/06/2021 00:20

Who said once a week? My housekeeper is here 2 hrs a day, every morning. Monday to Friday. Drops her children at school, then comes here to make beds/change linen, empty/stack diswasher, put washing on/ hang on line, wipe down kitchen worktops, vacuum kitchen floor and empty bins etc. Doesn't cost that much, but means we all come home from work to a tidy home each night. 🙂

FierceBarrie · 08/06/2021 01:41

@Idogiveadamn I kind of think that if the OP could afford a daily house-keeper, she’d probably already have one?

How much does it cost you?

Oceanbliss · 08/06/2021 02:38

After reading these for and against arguments I was reminded of the years that I had lived in share house accommodation with housemates.

Sometimes one of the housemates would try to leave a mess similar to what the op described. And it never went down well with the other housemates. Other housemates would be all at him/her to clean up after themselves out of respect and consideration for the people living there.

It’s simple really. When you share a home with other people you clean up after yourself. It is inconsiderate and disrespectful to expect others to either live with your mess, clean up your mess or be unable to use the kitchen or bathroom because it’s so filthy and there’s no bench space, no clean dishes to use or there are flys everywhere.

If this scenario that op described is not ok in a sharehouse with housemates, then it’s not ok in a family home where people are supposed to love each other.

Gothichouse40 · 08/06/2021 02:50

It would be left and left if it was me. The rule in my house also is, if it isn't put in the dirty washing basket, it won't be washed. Why is it that women are still expected to do all the domestic tasks. I bet he wouldn't expect to come home to this so why should you?

expatinspain · 08/06/2021 06:29

Idogiveadamn You know the overwhelming majority of people don't have a housekeeper, right? Not everyone can afford a cleaner for 3/4 hours a week, never mind someone who comes daily.

Thomasina79 · 08/06/2021 06:45

Washing up not done and flies everywhere is grim and a health hazard, my Other half would never leave a mess like this. Don’t know how old your children are, but it is never too early to get them to make their own beds and put clothes in the washing bin. I trained my now adult son to do housework and his wife is very happy I did! If you are working full time then jobs around the house are everyone’s responsibility. Women aren’t born with hoovers and brooms in their hands.

HugeAckmansWife · 08/06/2021 06:46

😂😂😂😂 At daily housekeeper like that's normal. It's not about the op having higher standards.. I bet the H and kids like it tidy and clean, they just expect it to magically happen. I'm a single parent to tweens. I'm training them now in the art of actually having to deal with mess if they want clean crockery, clothes etc. It's painful and annoying and wuold be miles easier to do it myself but I'm playing the long game. OP I agree with pp that their rooms can wait but kitchen 100%should have been dealt with, thats just normal domestic stuff

Oceanbliss · 08/06/2021 07:39

@HugeAckmansWife Your comment I bet the H and kids like it tidy and clean, they just expect it to magically happen. made me think of the magic coffee table on YouTube.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU

babybabybabybabymother · 08/06/2021 08:04

@Aprilwasverywet

So he protested because you went out?

This

stop doing anything for him at all

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