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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think many women don't like their partner using porn

161 replies

itsnotnormalisit · 05/06/2021 20:06

I don't like the thought of my DP using porn... he thinks most women don't mind and can't understand why women would have an issue with it and that IABU

OP posts:
priya3 · 06/06/2021 00:11

I think what worries me most is what it’s going to the minds of young people who are watching porn before they’ve even been near anyone for sex. Facials and choking are seen as mainstream now and this is purely due to porn. So many women women in their 40s, such as me, have had all their body hair lasered away and this is just another example of how we are internalising the influence of “porn standards” and acquiescing to this as the new normal.

It’s very insidious. As I said, my husband watches porn and I can’t be sure exactly what. He tells me he’s not turned in by violence towards women in any shape or form and I guess I have to accept that a he’s not suddenly wanting to slap me in the face or choke me, if that means anything? At least, for upset men, their formative years were pre-internet porn, but god help the next generation. My husband tells me female orgy-type stuff is his thing but, my issue is, what do you have to scroll past to find “your thing.” “Teen destroyed by step dad in anal rape” anyone? That’s the very first video I was confronted with when I went on. It’s all there as you scroll through, playing on loop. Free at the click of a button.

Does anybody involved in putting this stuff out or watching it ever actually stop to think of the reality of the millions teens and children who are the victims of incest, every day?

This is the issue I have with porn, yet we live in the world we live in and somehow I have to accept that my own husband, the man I trust must in the world, doesn’t really get it.

priya3 · 06/06/2021 00:12

older men, not upset!

dorangme · 06/06/2021 00:27

Good point @MsTSwift

NanaNorasNaughtyKnickers · 06/06/2021 00:43

No issue at all with it personally.

norki · 06/06/2021 01:18

I don't mind it. Would be a bit hypocritical since I watch it myself.

LuckyWookie · 06/06/2021 01:27

I couldn’t care less. It’s just a wank. I have a wank sometimes myself. As long as it’s nothing dodgy or illegal I think it’s fine to do that in private.

Italiangreyhound · 06/06/2021 01:33

I'd hate it and find it very unpleasant.

It's not controlling to have objections to other people's behaviour.

Shannonz · 06/06/2021 02:01

I am not going to be very popular with this opinion but most men do watch porn even if they promise you that they don’t because you don’t agree with it they will find a way to do it without you knowing

waterlego · 06/06/2021 04:34

@LuckyWookie, I don’t think anyone’s objecting to the wank- it’s the porn that’s the issue for many of us. (It’s perfectly possible to have a wank without porn, obviously).

musthavebeenlove · 06/06/2021 04:53

I don’t really like it but I try to give it not too much thought.

I would be upset and very concerned though if I knew he was watching very dodgy stuff eg rape porn or other really vile stuff.

Bassarid · 06/06/2021 05:01

It has its moments; -)

121hugsneeded · 06/06/2021 05:23

Surely any answer depends on the kind of porn that's being watched and the effect ( if any ) in the relationship .
Ie if you're in a M/F relationship and your M partner watches M/F porn but still has a healthy relationship with you, it's quite different to if your M partner gets off to M /T porn and can't get it up for you any more.

(And obviously there's variants in this for other pairings or MM or FF or TM or TF or fluid people Bi etc etc etc . )

Lonel · 06/06/2021 05:44

couldn’t care less. It’s just a wank
It's not. You don't get it.

This thread is so sad.Not just for the porn apologists but the way so many people have literally said they don't care if others are injured or humiliated as long as it doesn't affect their own sex lives. No moral code. No awareness of how our actions affect others. Profoundly depressing.

Duckypoohs · 06/06/2021 05:50

It's not even the concept of porn I object to. Randomers having actual sexual intercourse, fine. It's the awful nature of modern porn, so gross and bleugh. It's just so misogynistic and degrading. To find something actually titillating would require acres of scrolling through milf gets destroyed shit. It wasn't always the case.

neroforte · 06/06/2021 06:02

@Duckypoohs

It's not even the concept of porn I object to. Randomers having actual sexual intercourse, fine. It's the awful nature of modern porn, so gross and bleugh. It's just so misogynistic and degrading. To find something actually titillating would require acres of scrolling through milf gets destroyed shit. It wasn't always the case.
and? some people like that
Lonel · 06/06/2021 06:08

and? some people like that
Maybe ask yourself why. It is only recently that degradation has become mainstream.

pinkearedcow · 06/06/2021 06:21

So all the posters who think porn is fine and dandy,I assume you would be perfectly happy for your daughters (or sons) to choose the porn industry as their career path? You'd be fine with them being degraded and humiliated for the pleasure of others?

ImInStealthMode · 06/06/2021 06:22

@Lonel

couldn’t care less. It’s just a wank It's not. You don't get it.

This thread is so sad.Not just for the porn apologists but the way so many people have literally said they don't care if others are injured or humiliated as long as it doesn't affect their own sex lives. No moral code. No awareness of how our actions affect others. Profoundly depressing.

There are many, many things in the world that are problematic, immoral and downright damaging to other humans or to the earth in various different ways. Unless you are fanatical daily about avoiding contributing to any and all of them (in which case well done, you're a better person than I am) then maybe jump down from your high horse?

Frannibananni · 06/06/2021 06:23

Tbh I don’t care if DH watches it, I wouldn’t stay with someone who told me what I can and can’t watch like I’m some sort of child.

PersonaNonGarter · 06/06/2021 06:26

No, it exploits women and is seedy. The women are abused and he is getting off to it.

FTEngineerM · 06/06/2021 06:34

refusing to give it up is sheer lack of respect and I wouldn't take any notice of the cool wives, their partners don't respect women either.

Whilst the first part I agree with if there is a need not to watch it for a particular reason and the partner does anyway it’s careless, but it certainly doesn’t make you a ‘cool wife’ to not care about porn watching..

Communication seems to be the main problem with this topic it’s a dirty little secret in most households; it’s hard to reach orgasm in a dark room on your own, especially if you’re a visual person. A little visual aid is just that, nothing sinister.

It’s impossible to align sexual desires long term, especially the longer the relationship goes on and children are added into the mix. Not every time someone wants to have sex the other partner is ready for that. That doesn’t mean one partner should go without IMO, either one. I also don’t like the idea that only the partner can provide you with an orgasm, it’s too much pressure, and I think that’s where it comes from when women have sex when they don’t really want to.. fuck that.

FTEngineerM · 06/06/2021 06:38

milf gets destroyed shit

There is more to porn than this though.
Not all of it involves gangraping ‘teens’ or whatever.

givewillowabreak · 06/06/2021 06:39

It wouldn't bother me at all.

CoalCraft · 06/06/2021 06:45

Lol it's definitely not just young women that are okay with porn or watch it themselves. When I was a kid, snooping about where I shouldn't looking for Christmas presents, I found an old school porn VHS tape in my mum (now mid-60s)'s knicker drawer. It featured lots of hunky dudes with big willies on the cover, as well as big-breasted ladies.

I was horrified at the time and certainly never went snooping for presents again, but in hindsight, frankly, good for you, mum!

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 06/06/2021 06:45

I hate the term 'cool wife'. Its so patronising and completely writes off anything that person has to say as invalid.