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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not your friend...

132 replies

Umwelt · 04/06/2021 20:44

...been told by my wife of, well, about 15 years...
Few weeks ago...
Didn't think much about it...
Tonight though- WTF??? So who are you woman???

OP posts:
Original poster
Umwelt · 04/06/2021 21:27

Ok, this is a little bit more complicated as someone noticed, I just don't know where to begin...

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 04/06/2021 21:31

I say that to my children all the time

Cocomarine · 04/06/2021 21:31

@Umwelt

Ok, this is a little bit more complicated as someone noticed, I just don't know where to begin...
Well perhaps with:
  1. What didn’t you want to participate in?
  2. Why?
  3. How did she feel about that?
  4. Why?

And what you actually saying to each other before she said she wasn’t your friend?

SunshineCake · 04/06/2021 21:32

You really should be friend with who you are married too..

Howmanychangesdoiget · 04/06/2021 21:33

@Umwelt

I'm sorry, yes, this was a bit vague... We were making arrangements for another week, I wasn't happy with some, so I politely declined to participate...
So she said ‘I’m not your friend’ in response. Like something a school kid would say, I’d assume she was jokingly saying she was falling out with you for not participating.
PigGondola · 04/06/2021 21:34

@SunshineCake

You really should be friend with who you are married too..
Seriously, would you want to be friends with someone this woolly and unspecific? I’d foresee a lifetime of saying ‘Is there a point to this?’
Original poster
Umwelt · 04/06/2021 21:36

@SunshineCake

You really should be friend with who you are married too..
That's exactly my point, thanks... She meant it when she said it, I wouldn't think about it twice if I didn't think so. It hurt..
OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 04/06/2021 21:36

I just asked DH if I was his friend. He said "er no, you're my wife". I asked if BIL is his friend and he said "no he's my brother" and then clarified "we are friends but he's not my friend if you see what I mean"...

Can you just ask what she meant? Was there an undercurrent of "I love you but I don't like you very much right now"? Because this:

We were making arrangements for another week, I wasn't happy with some, so I politely declined to participate...

Makes you sound a bit of an arse - you politely decline a seat offered to you on the tube, not while making family arrangements with your partner!

Iamtheweedonkey · 04/06/2021 21:39

My dh is my best friend, been together 25 years, married 17, he's my confidante, we laugh all the time, he's a friend as well as my husband.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 04/06/2021 21:40

That's exactly my point, thanks... She meant it when she said it, I wouldn't think about it twice if I didn't think so. It hurt..

What did you say exactly right before she made the comment? That would help.

Original poster
Umwelt · 04/06/2021 21:47

see, this is exactly it- if you are not friends with someone you are with then who/ what are you exactly?
OK- for clarity,, this topic is super extra friendly, I'm just curious...
Just kind of learning that even though we are keeping things together (we don't live together), it is kind of weird.
Sorry for not writing an essay but if I did 'd be apologizing for writing an essay..;.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 04/06/2021 21:48

It’s probably not complicated really, though - it’ll be just yet another common or garden marital problem. I don’t mean that disrespectfully - I’m divorced myself, and most failed (or at least, troubled) relationships I know of fit common themes.

Why are you not answering what the conversation was actually about, what prompted her to say that?

Thornrose · 04/06/2021 21:49

What? I'm so confused right now...

Cocomarine · 04/06/2021 21:50

OK, well let’s start with why you don’t live with your wife of 15 years.

That seems important.

Is she your wife because you are married, but you are actually now separated?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 04/06/2021 21:50

You don't live with your wife? Wow, it gets weirder

BernardBlackMissesLangCleg · 04/06/2021 21:51

we don't live together

you're separated then?

In which case, yeah, she's not your friend

BakewellGin1 · 04/06/2021 21:53

I'm lost Confused

Cocomarine · 04/06/2021 21:53

When I separated from my husband, even though he was legally my husband for some time - he was not my friend.

He was a man that I was committed to creating a healthy co-parenting relationship with. An extremely important relationship and we’ll always have a link - an important one whilst our teens are young. But... he’s not my friend, and given his behaviour during our marriage, I would certainly have corrected him in the immediate aftermath if he’d said he was.

Thornrose · 04/06/2021 21:54

"for clarity,, this topic is super extra friendly" what am I missing? What does this mean.

mellicauli · 04/06/2021 21:54

You seem very focused on your own feelings and have given no indication that you have thought about hers.

If you truly want to resolve this rather than just being the wounded victim, you will need to focus on understanding hers.

After all, who wants to be friends with someone who only thinks about themselves and never thinks about you?

Cam2020 · 04/06/2021 21:56

Oh, come on with the 'it doesn't make, sense.'!

She's saying you're not a friend so your participation is not optional, it's expected.

pilates · 04/06/2021 21:59

Stop talking in riddles

Blankspace101 · 04/06/2021 22:02

LTB

Original poster
Umwelt · 04/06/2021 22:03

OK, I knew this not living together will be controversial. Yes, we split up long time ago but a year or so ago decided to give it another goo...
Nobody did anything nasty (or anything), just kind of didn't work out first time round, so we decided to try again...
We both like it but I'm, OK, I'm just not sure where this is going...

OP posts:
Notapheasantplucker · 04/06/2021 22:03

Someone make it make senseConfused

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