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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Elderly Neighbour

110 replies

MsFannySqueers · 04/06/2021 20:14

A bit of background to my AIBU. My DH and I are in our sixties. For the past ten years we have cared for our very elderly parents until their eventual deaths.We did all of this willingly, but unfortunately we did miss out on holidays and the freedom to make any spontaneous plans during this time. My DM our one remaining parent, died a short while ago.She was nearly 90 and passed away peacefully. We were and are obviously very sad but felt that at least this was the end of our caring responsibilities. We planned to visit friends and family and take holidays when allowed.
Anyway an elderly neighbour called us two days after my DM’s funeral. She is in her 80’s. We have helped her during the pandemic with some shopping and taking her for her COVID jabs. Prior to the pandemic she would occasionally ask us for a lift somewhere as she doesn’t drive.
She has always appeared to be fairly fit and active. My neighbour then told me that she has recently been diagnosed with a new medical condition. It luckily doesn’t sound to be serious. She has asked that I go with her to see a consultant at our local hospital. She has no family of her own nearby.I am sorry to say my heart just sank. I just can’t bear the thoughts of yet more hospital visits.This visit to the consultant is unlikely to be a one off. I said that if I was free on that particular date I may be able to take her. She doesn’t yet have a date for the appointment. We do have fairly good public transport links and taxi availability where we live. In addition some of the elderly in the area use Patient Transport for hospital appointments.
AIBU in not wanting to attend this appointment with her? Awful as it sounds I fear this will lead to more and more requests for help. My DH agrees that we just haven’t got anymore to give either mentally or physically to caring for another elderly person. I just feel so bad for thinking like this and not wanting to be tied to another elderly person.

OP posts:

TillyTopper · 04/06/2021 20:19

I look after my Mum who lives with us (my Dad died last year) you are absolutely not being unreasonable to not want to go and I can completely understand that.

Please don't get sucked in, just refuse her as gently but firmly as you can would be my advice. Make you sure plan some breaks away and enjoy yourselves.

DriedIris · 04/06/2021 20:21

Just tell her you're not free on that date.

Prepare an answer, like a visit to family a distance away, a filling at the dentist, a booking for a few days at the coast.

And have ready some details of local taxi services or hospital transfers services.

Ilikewinter · 04/06/2021 20:21

Ah OP this is a tough one, i think you need to tell her you are bi3sy when she gives you the hospital date, otherwise she will rely on you more and more. This is the time for her own family to step up.

warmandtoasty2day · 04/06/2021 20:26

you have nothing to feel guilty about, you have done your caring role and now it's time to live for you and do the things you want to.
kind but firm is the way forward, don't start then you don't have to stop. after all you have 'lots of things going on' don't you? it's a case of the famous mn 'sorry that doesn't work for me'
if she is in real need speak to social sevices as first point of reference but make it clear you are not prepared to get involved.

Stormwhale · 04/06/2021 20:31

Caring for an elderly parent or relative takes so much out of you. My mum cares for my grandad and it might as well be a full time job. She loves him to pieces and never complains, but it is so hard. As heartbroken as she will be when he passes I can well imagine there will be some relief also. You should not feel guilty in the slightest that you now need time to focus on yourself and living your own life. You deserve that and have given so much already.

mumonthehill · 04/06/2021 20:32

We also have an elderly neighbor whose children are apparently too busy to help them! What we have said is that we will help with garden, help with practical things in the house, help with IT issues but we will not be involved in anything financial or medical. We also have 3 elderly parents still alive and 1 elderly aunt so I have had to put boundaries in. She normally rings or arrives 5 minutes after she thinks we have finished work. I have now told her my hours have been extended as I got so fed up of the phone ringing dead on 5pm.

TheMadRatter · 04/06/2021 20:35

I wouldn't feel bad OP. It would drain me too. YANU

Flawedperfection · 04/06/2021 20:39

Yanbu.

Be firm- as others have already said- and “unavailable” if you don’t feel you can break it to her gently.

DriedIris · 04/06/2021 20:41

@mumonthehill

Oh god that sounds like a nightmare. How often does she come round?

omgthepain · 04/06/2021 20:42

@MsFannySqueers

I care for elderly relatives and it's totally draining and I catergorically do not think I have the time and energy to take on anymore and once this stage off my life is over I wouldn't get involved in anyone else's affairs I don't think.

I have an auntie who is 92, my dad who is 85 and my mums cousin who is 82 and it's a handful. Auntie has a huge house she refuses to move
From too I alway joke and say she should take the other 2 in as lodgers 😂

It's hard tho you sound kind and caring but it's your time now

Supersimkin2 · 04/06/2021 20:48

It doesn't have to be you, OP. It really doesn't. Patient transport is often really good and the drivers are friendly.

Humans now spend far longer as elderly dependents than they do as children, that's the trouble - society hasn't caught up yet. You know this better than most, and you've done more than your share of decades caring. In any case, save your energy for the inevitable emergency.

missingeu · 04/06/2021 20:57

As previous post as said, patient transport is good, as is the Red cross - perhaps you could get in touch with them on behalf of your neighbour explain the situation etc.

Then let your neighbour know, that way they have someone with them if they are receiving bad news.

godmum56 · 04/06/2021 20:58

yanbu absolutely yanbu. I have been where you have been and its not only the not being able to do things, its the mental and emotional toll it takes.

Original poster

MsFannySqueers · 04/06/2021 20:59

Thank you all for your kind replies. I feel much better. I just can’t provide the support my neighbour has requested. Stormwhale you are exactly right caring for an elderly relative is a full time job. You never feel “off duty”. I used to dread the phone ringing. Mumonthehill what a difficult situation for you! You have my sympathy, it’s so very kind of you to provide that help to your neighbour. My neighbour doesn’t have children but does have family.The difficulty is they all live hundreds of miles away. When her husband died she was left pretty much isolated here, mainly by her inability to drive. Although she has more friends in the village than I have ha ha! Maybe they will step up? I think everyone should consider very carefully how they will manage in their old age. I guess it’s not something we really want to think about is it?

OP posts:

Bargebill19 · 04/06/2021 21:00

Yanbu. Do not feel bad. I have said that I will never care for another person having cared for 4 parents with various age related illnesses. It does drain your emotion stores and changes you as a person. That’s not a bad thing - but it really makes you see your own limits and boundaries and how they can so easily be over ridden to your own detriment, but to everyone else’s gain.

Chickychickydodah · 04/06/2021 21:09

Tell her to get in touch with Age uk and they will help her or put her in contact with someone who can help her. You need to say to her that you cannot do it and stick to your guns .

Ambo21 · 04/06/2021 21:11

When she gets the date for her appointment, tell her unfortunately you cant help out that day.
Have ready a list of numbers to give her so she can arrange transport, bus timetables, buses, as well as the Patient Transport Service in your area.
You just have to leave the house before she does on that day. And give her a ring in the evening to ask how she got on.
You need time with your husband to rebuild your life together after the difficulties and losses of the past decade.
Time to de-stress and find fun again.

BlueSurfer · 04/06/2021 21:22

Don’t feel guilty but also gently tell her why you won’t go. If necessary say that you are avoiding all hospitals and medical appointments wherever possible, because they are too reminiscent of what you have been through with your parents and in-laws. If you just say you are busy, she might postpone for another date so you can attend and it could all be more serious than you realise.

PerkingFaintly · 04/06/2021 21:38

YANB even the teeniest bit U.

Indeed, if you do want to be helpful there are so many parts of "keeping an eye on a vulnerable neighbour" which would be much more appropriate for you – just the noticing that milk bottles haven't been taken in or the blinds gone up. That sort of monitoring would be expensive for them to buy in, and might be very low effort on your part.

Taxi-ing people around? There's already a profession which takes care of that: taxi drivers! This is one of the things they are for! And if your neighbour can't afford taxis then buses, patient transport, etc...

Save your energy for the intangible "noticing" that won't be needed... till it's needed.

That's if you want to do anything at all. You're absolutely not obliged to.

I say all the above as a vulnerable person myself. I'm extremely grateful when my neighbours offer to help with anything, but I absolutely do not expect it, and I sort out my own paid cleaners, gardeners, tradesmen, etc. It's not easy for me to afford at the moment, but that doesn't magically make it my neighbour's problem.

PerkingFaintly · 04/06/2021 21:39

Agree to telling her, as gently as possible, why you won't be taking her.

PerkingFaintly · 04/06/2021 21:42

(You wouldn't be doing any her any favours pretending it's about the date. Better to tell her the truth BEFORE she runs around re-arranging things, than have to do it anyway afterwards.)

Daphnise · 04/06/2021 21:46

You have done a lot, and are tired.

I don't know what I would do.

I think of a teacher of mine many years ago- absolutely no family, and just a few friends. Alone in the large house she was born in.

The neighbours did a lot for her, including finding her dead one day.

Howshouldibehave · 04/06/2021 21:46

Goodness, you are so not unreasonable here. I would definitely tell her you aren’t free on the appointment date and try to put her in touch with someone who can help if you are aware of someone. I would also say in passing conversation that you have spend X years caring for elderly parents and it has really taken its toll on your emotional/mental health-let that sink in.

Elouera · 04/06/2021 21:57

You are certainly not unreasonable for wanting some life back again. I too would feel sorry for the neighbour, but you need to be firm.

If you have the time, you could look up the phone numbers for age uk and the red cross. They can provide info on transport and befriending links.

Bassetlover · 04/06/2021 22:01

Contact your local Adult Social Care Team via the council and also Age Concern.They will be able to offer support to her.

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