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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly Neighbour

110 replies

MsFannySqueers · 04/06/2021 20:14

A bit of background to my AIBU. My DH and I are in our sixties. For the past ten years we have cared for our very elderly parents until their eventual deaths.We did all of this willingly, but unfortunately we did miss out on holidays and the freedom to make any spontaneous plans during this time. My DM our one remaining parent, died a short while ago.She was nearly 90 and passed away peacefully. We were and are obviously very sad but felt that at least this was the end of our caring responsibilities. We planned to visit friends and family and take holidays when allowed.
Anyway an elderly neighbour called us two days after my DM’s funeral. She is in her 80’s. We have helped her during the pandemic with some shopping and taking her for her COVID jabs. Prior to the pandemic she would occasionally ask us for a lift somewhere as she doesn’t drive.
She has always appeared to be fairly fit and active. My neighbour then told me that she has recently been diagnosed with a new medical condition. It luckily doesn’t sound to be serious. She has asked that I go with her to see a consultant at our local hospital. She has no family of her own nearby.I am sorry to say my heart just sank. I just can’t bear the thoughts of yet more hospital visits.This visit to the consultant is unlikely to be a one off. I said that if I was free on that particular date I may be able to take her. She doesn’t yet have a date for the appointment. We do have fairly good public transport links and taxi availability where we live. In addition some of the elderly in the area use Patient Transport for hospital appointments.
AIBU in not wanting to attend this appointment with her? Awful as it sounds I fear this will lead to more and more requests for help. My DH agrees that we just haven’t got anymore to give either mentally or physically to caring for another elderly person. I just feel so bad for thinking like this and not wanting to be tied to another elderly person.

OP posts:
MrsClatterbuck · 05/06/2021 10:08

Where I live there is an organisation or charity which gives lifts for hospital appointments. My DM has used them on occasion when I was unavailable. Her doctor's practice should have details of any such organisation.

SengaMac · 05/06/2021 10:15

Tell her the true reason why you don't want to get involved with hospital visits, rather than make up excuses.
It's perfectly reasonable to say that you have had a long time of helping your elderly relatives and really need to take time for yourselves now.

Cherrysoup · 05/06/2021 10:19

I worry that we’ll be doing this for our 85 year old neighbour. Currently she’s fit enough to do her own shopping and she comes for dinner regularly, but I don’t have the headspace to do more than pop round to do something occasionally. Her son lives quite close but only comes once a week. We have plans to retire and move hundreds of miles away in a few years, I have a terrible concern that we won’t if she is still around. It feels very selfish, but we are both very keen to make this move.

Original poster
MsFannySqueers · 05/06/2021 10:23

I just wanted to say thank you to all the PP who have taken the time to reply. Your advice has been so helpful with some excellent suggestions. It has also helped me immensely to know there are others who are or have been in a similar situation to myself. Look after yourselves everyone.

OP posts:
tukanada · 05/06/2021 10:27

I don't think you should say you are busy. Please tell her you can't take on the responsibility of taking her to any appointments. You have done this for years for your relatives and are still recovering from the stress. If you are able to do little things for her (put the bins out and bring them in?) soften the message with that.

2bazookas · 05/06/2021 10:45

Your heart and mind are telling you; please no, we've had enough for now and can't take any more. Listen to them; it's time to put yourself first.

When she gets the appointment, regret that you're unavailable that day.

If she asks you again, I think it's perfectly fair to say " I'm sorry, Sheila; I can't do that. Caring for our late parents has just burned me out and I can't face any more medical visits for a long time. "

That she has made no friends her own age that she could call on, is a matter for her to address. It's not yours.

OccaChocca · 05/06/2021 11:17

I would help her out on the odd occasion but I would be honest why. It is very easy to get sucked in.

Could you see if there is some sort of patient transport? Our village has a community transport scheme. I've also seen older people in the hospital being chaperoned around the hospital.

I would do a bit of research for her and give her some options. There are lots of lovely people out there who would be more than willing to help. She has chosen to stay where she is despite not driving. Don't feel guilty.

OccaChocca · 05/06/2021 11:19

@Cherrysoup

I worry that we’ll be doing this for our 85 year old neighbour. Currently she’s fit enough to do her own shopping and she comes for dinner regularly, but I don’t have the headspace to do more than pop round to do something occasionally. Her son lives quite close but only comes once a week. We have plans to retire and move hundreds of miles away in a few years, I have a terrible concern that we won’t if she is still around. It feels very selfish, but we are both very keen to make this move.
Start talking about your plans to move now!
Mellonsprite · 05/06/2021 11:28

@Looubylou

Be honest about your reasons - can't face hospitals etc after death of parents. That's the only way she'll get the message not to ask you for that particular favour.
Yes to this. You don’t want her to try and rearrange it only for you to say no again. I totally get where you’re coming from, my FIL passed away from cancer last year and previously to that we had cared for MIL. It takes so much out of you, emotionally, physically and time wise I completely understand why you can’t do it again.
Tootsey11 · 05/06/2021 11:28

Im very much in the minority here, but I would go with her or take her. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have no one in the world for company or just to know that there is someone to rely on in this world. I would make it clear I could only do it very occasionally but still would say OK for the appointment.

I really hope some of you never need to rely on another human being when you get old.

PerkingFaintly · 05/06/2021 11:43

I don't need to imagine it, Tootsey, because that's my life already.

That's why, for jobs where there's an obvious professional answer, I tend to use that – so that I'm not forever pestering neighbours unnecessarily.

Among other reasons, I don't want them to start avoiding me for fear they'll get roped into a job every time they say hello.

ElsieMc · 05/06/2021 11:53

Yes op, I can totally understand when you say you have no more to give. I am the same but the other end of the age group - I brought up my own family than took on two of my grandchildren who were placed with me through the courts. They would have gone into care otherwise and I would never have let this happen. I have been so looking forward to dh retiring. The gcs are 16 and 18. He keeps prevaricating saying we just cannot move on and abandon the 16 yo. I would never do this, he would come with us if and when we move. Older gc has a life here.

I just felt pissed off because I have been in a caring role for 34 years and am still doing school runs when I am 60 this year. It really is groundhog day.

Whilst I feel sorry for your neighbour, it is so sad, but not your sad. Its funny isn't it that those who care end up not caring about themselves and others do take for granted sometimes. Carers need a break or they cannot continue in that role.

You have to be strong and whilst I don't doubt you will continue to be kind to her, you have to distance yourself for your own sanity.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/06/2021 12:00

Nip this in the bud now. Do not suggest anything to her - look up taxis, tell her about AgeConcern, etc. 'Sorry, I can't come with you. Have plans that day.' And repeat repeat repeat. Don't even go there and do not feel guilty about it. You have done your part.

Mogs43 · 05/06/2021 12:07

I think you are. being entirely reasonable.

I think this is an example of were charities could help more. It feels like many national charities have become very focused on campaigning, lobbying government and providing information (especially online) rather than providing practical help and personal support to the vulnerable. I only found this out when caring for my disabled father - so many of the charities that we had provided monthly donations to were reluctant to provide any practical help. I think there is a gap - helping people to attend appointments and with day to day living. We were fortunate - my dad had family (me) but others, like your neighbour don't.. its very sad.

Tootsey11 · 05/06/2021 12:14

@PerkingFaintly I'm sorry you are in that situation.

Its a sad world were we are so over populated, yet there are people who have no one.

None of us have any idea whether in the future it could be us.

BorderlineHappy · 05/06/2021 12:18

@Tootsey11 Unless you have had your life taken over by caring for relatives,i dont think its fair to try and guilt trip @MsFannySqueers.

Shes done her duty above and beyond.

SueSaid · 05/06/2021 12:22

I think you need to take all the emotion and drama out of it and just politely say no sorry you aren't free then back off and she will of course then make other arrangements.

'Although she has more friends in the village than I have ha ha! Maybe they will step up?'

Let's hope so. I have older relatives (not parents) who live hundreds of miles away and they have an excellent network of older friends for appointments and such.

Mary46 · 05/06/2021 12:23

Op feel for you. I agree do not get tied into that. My dads illness drained us all as was years of a stroke. I told my counsellor I just couldnt cope with more errands or demands from people. Be firm with neighbour as otherwise she keep calling you

SueSaid · 05/06/2021 12:25

'I would help her out on the odd occasion but I would be honest why. It is very easy to get sucked in.'

'Sucked in' Confused. Fgs. I doubt vulnerable people want to 'suck anybody in' just don't be a martyr and have clear boundaries.

Tootsey11 · 05/06/2021 12:33

It's not about guilt tripping at all. The odd occasion to help someone out especially elderly is what I am saying. You can make it clear in a nice way that it's only now and again, and if it suits you.

FYI I have 2 parents in there eighties, helped another non relative 85 when she needs it, and another elderly couple both over ninety.

None of us know who we might need when we are old.

rose69 · 05/06/2021 12:33

Could you ring your local Age UK and see what services they provide and then give her the number.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/06/2021 12:49

@rose69

Could you ring your local Age UK and see what services they provide and then give her the number.
That's taking on the problem. Just don't. The OP has had enough. From the sounds of it, she doesn't even want to do the occasional or emergency and that's fine.
tara66 · 05/06/2021 12:52

Not read PPs but some hospitals have very helpful transport available - some do not. One called Faulk Transport will help quite readily while for others they actually say the person needs to not be able to walk at all to qualify for free hospital transport- then when you get to that hospital you finds there are about 7 of them all parked up in the road outside the hospital - doing nothing! Depends which hospital transport system one can use. Good luck.

FakeColinCaterpillar · 05/06/2021 12:59

I’m glad to have been excused of this. We had a good relationship with a widowed older neighbour. We spent decades doing lots for her, including house repairs and decorating. She would call us if she had a new TV to set it up or wanted a picture hanging. Driving to the hospital.
However she has a messed up relationship with her son. He never ever visits. She has to go to him (and do things for him - babysitting, gardening, never to socialise) but she is desperate for him to come and do these things for her. ‘DS would come and do this for me but he is so busy’. So she fell out with us and tried to use this to get her DS involved. He didn’t and her behaviour was disgraceful so we have washed our hands of her.
In some ways I’m glad. As she got older we would have picked up more and more responsibility whilst her son did nothing. The one time I’ve seen him in 4 years he was extremely friendly to us, I’m sure he’s gutted.

Gothichouse40 · 05/06/2021 13:01

I've been where you are. Caring is hard enough for family members let alone anyone that is a neighbour or a friend. I'd just say sorry I cannot make the date, if it becomes a problem you are going to have to be honest and say you just aren't fit or able for it now. You need the time for your husband and yourself, moreso I would say in the unpredictable times we are living in. Spend your time together and don't feel guilty for anyone. It is sad your neighbour has no family, but, she's a neighbour. That may sound harsh, but she's not your responsibility.