Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Elderly Neighbour

110 replies

MsFannySqueers · 04/06/2021 20:14

A bit of background to my AIBU. My DH and I are in our sixties. For the past ten years we have cared for our very elderly parents until their eventual deaths.We did all of this willingly, but unfortunately we did miss out on holidays and the freedom to make any spontaneous plans during this time. My DM our one remaining parent, died a short while ago.She was nearly 90 and passed away peacefully. We were and are obviously very sad but felt that at least this was the end of our caring responsibilities. We planned to visit friends and family and take holidays when allowed.
Anyway an elderly neighbour called us two days after my DM’s funeral. She is in her 80’s. We have helped her during the pandemic with some shopping and taking her for her COVID jabs. Prior to the pandemic she would occasionally ask us for a lift somewhere as she doesn’t drive.
She has always appeared to be fairly fit and active. My neighbour then told me that she has recently been diagnosed with a new medical condition. It luckily doesn’t sound to be serious. She has asked that I go with her to see a consultant at our local hospital. She has no family of her own nearby.I am sorry to say my heart just sank. I just can’t bear the thoughts of yet more hospital visits.This visit to the consultant is unlikely to be a one off. I said that if I was free on that particular date I may be able to take her. She doesn’t yet have a date for the appointment. We do have fairly good public transport links and taxi availability where we live. In addition some of the elderly in the area use Patient Transport for hospital appointments.
AIBU in not wanting to attend this appointment with her? Awful as it sounds I fear this will lead to more and more requests for help. My DH agrees that we just haven’t got anymore to give either mentally or physically to caring for another elderly person. I just feel so bad for thinking like this and not wanting to be tied to another elderly person.

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 08/06/2021 08:32

It’s totally understandable.

Avoid acting as a taxi service, or any other active odd job service. As a PP said what you could do is keep an eye out for her.

I would try and be helpful with info - taxi companies, age concern befriending etc. I would also probably ring her GP practice if it’s the same as yours and just flag that she may be looking for more support (that might be too interfering, but they won’t tell her).

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/06/2021 09:12

There may be a local volunteer service for taking people to appts. I used to volunteer for one such - it was intended for people who genuinely couldn’t afford taxis and were unable to use public transport.

Most of the people I drove were on the level, but a few were obviously taking the piss* and just using us as a free taxi service. I would tell the organisers not to ask me to drive X again.

*e.g. very well dressed in evidently new and expensive clothes, or telling me as we passed a particular restaurant that they ate there at least once a week.
Funnily enough it was always the genuinely hard up, poor old things who would try to give me a pound for my petrol.

DriedIris · 08/06/2021 09:22

Have you seen her again op?

FinallyHere · 08/06/2021 10:22

I do hope elderly neighbour has woken up to how inappropriate her focus on her own wants a and needs was, when speaking to you, esp so soon after your family funerals.

Good boundaries help us have good neighbours.

Mary46 · 08/06/2021 12:10

Op I do see your point. Find with my mother the more you do.. I have offered the school warden a help lift to post office etc for her pension. Her husb recently passed. Boundaries important agree

MsFannySqueers · 10/06/2021 08:57

Update.@DriedIris I haven’t but my DH the most kind gentle man, went round and explained to her we were happy to keep up the getting of a newspaper or any small bits of shopping but that was all. No medical or hospital appointments. She seemed perfectly happy with this arrangement.To think I had been tying myself in knots over it! We have arranged some holidays in the UK which we are looking forward to. Once again thanks to all PP for helpful and kind advice.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 10/06/2021 10:11

Well managed OP.
Take care.

PerkingFaintly · 10/06/2021 10:24

I'm so glad good communication has got things on the straight and narrow.

I've just remembered that one of the things I really value about one of my lovely neighbours (for whom I do things in exchange), is that if I do occasionally ask her for something, she will say "No" if it doesn't suit her.

I can rely on her to look after her own boundaries; I'm not left second-guessing and failing to ask when it's something she'd have been delighted to do (turns out she loves poking round in certain shops, so she's pleased to have an excuse to go there!).

So good comms make everyone's life better.Grin

Enjoy your very well-deserved holidays, OP. Flowers

C130 · 10/06/2021 14:33

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I wouldn't even provide local numbers, signpost or any of that. Straight up female social conditioning and gives ingress to get you to do it anyway 'I called them and they can't take me' 'I can't get an appointment for them to take that day' etc etc.

What cptartapp said is spot on. Do not engage at all and stop feeling guilty about it.

What Amber said is also spot on.

How sad to think like this. It would not hurt to just supply some useful phone numbers. Pathetic.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/06/2021 15:38

How sad to think like this. It would not hurt to just supply some useful phone numbers. Pathetic.

How sad to get personally insulting with someone because they take a different view Hmm. The matter's been sorted at any rate.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page