Elderly Neighbour

[MsFannySqueers]

A bit of background to my AIBU. My DH and I are in our sixties. For the past ten years we have cared for our very elderly parents until their eventual deaths.We did all of this willingly, but unfortunately we did miss out on holidays and the freedom to make any spontaneous plans during this time. My DM our one remaining parent, died a short while ago.She was nearly 90 and passed away peacefully. We were and are obviously very sad but felt that at least this was the end of our caring responsibilities. We planned to visit friends and family and take holidays when allowed.
Anyway an elderly neighbour called us two days after my DM’s funeral. She is in her 80’s. We have helped her during the pandemic with some shopping and taking her for her COVID jabs. Prior to the pandemic she would occasionally ask us for a lift somewhere as she doesn’t drive.
She has always appeared to be fairly fit and active. My neighbour then told me that she has recently been diagnosed with a new medical condition. It luckily doesn’t sound to be serious. She has asked that I go with her to see a consultant at our local hospital. She has no family of her own nearby.I am sorry to say my heart just sank. I just can’t bear the thoughts of yet more hospital visits.This visit to the consultant is unlikely to be a one off. I said that if I was free on that particular date I may be able to take her. She doesn’t yet have a date for the appointment. We do have fairly good public transport links and taxi availability where we live. In addition some of the elderly in the area use Patient Transport for hospital appointments.
AIBU in not wanting to attend this appointment with her? Awful as it sounds I fear this will lead to more and more requests for help. My DH agrees that we just haven’t got anymore to give either mentally or physically to caring for another elderly person. I just feel so bad for thinking like this and not wanting to be tied to another elderly person.

She will need to contact adult ss for support. You live your life guilt free.
I'd consider moving for a fresh start. Enjoy yourself 😉

I've recently had to pull back from NDN in similar circumstances OP, a new diagnosis which I could immediately see was going to mean me giving more than I have to give. I'm much younger than you but still have fairly young DC and both parents and in-laws are just starting to need some help so I'm not even close to your level of burnout but I know I have it all to come and just don't feel able to take on NDN as well.

I felt guilty at first but I'm slowly making my peace with it now, I keep reminding myself of the 'can't pour from an empty cup' thing and that my responsibility is to my DC first and foremost and my DH, parents and in-laws next and I know I can't commit to the level of support NDN needs.

I've done what I can to help get him the support he needed and I've had to accept that's all I can do, which is precisely what you need to do OP. You've helped where you can for as long as you felt able and now you've hit your limit, we all have one and you're only human like everyone else

If they aren’t confident on arranging transport
You could help them to arrange it
They will need there NHS number which will be on any letter and you just ring the patient transport number and set it up .
Once it’s set up once all they have to do is book it in
All their details will be in place so they don’t have to keep saying the same stuff
My dad used to do this for his hospital appointments and he would treat it like a day out 😂
If you offer to help with setting this up it will probably give her more confidence to go on hospital appointments on her own and it will take less than 5 mins to set it up for her

Often it’s the initial setting things up that people have difficulty with but once they know how to do it they find it’s dead easy .

Watching with interest. We are in a similar boat, 2 bed flat in outer London, 2 kids, thinking of moving to get a garden and more Slade but hesitating for all the reasons you are.

Space not slade!

Wrong thread.... I'll get my coat.

@Drunkenmonkey

Watching with interest. We are in a similar boat, 2 bed flat in outer London, 2 kids, thinking of moving to get a garden and more Slade but hesitating for all the reasons you are.

I think you might be on the wrong thread-unless you’re moving to get away from your elderly neighbour

@DriedIris she comes at least 4 times a week, most times it is easy and harmless and I love her dearly but it does annoy me that the smallest thing is always urgent and that her children are always too busy.

OP, I completely get it and agree with the majority here that you don't have to do this.

You said your neighbour had more friends in the village than you. Now is the time to galvanise them. Is she a church-goer or does she frequent the local shop? If yes, I would contact them and see if they might want to step up to help. Sharing out the taxiing makes it much easier on everyone.

OP, of course you’re NBU.
You need to concentrate on yourselves now, it’s exhausting caring for others, however much you love them.
I agree with PP, let your NDN know that your plans are very fluid and you’re taking time out to rest and recharge, and let others shoulder the the burden.
You sound like a very giving person, so you’ll probably feel guilty, even though there’s no need.
I care for my elderly parents, and also spend my working day caring for my patients, and sometimes I feel that there’s nothing left of me for me.
That I’m being selfish if I prioritise myself.
But that’s not the case, by keeping some time for yourselves, you’re finally giving something back to the life you want to live.
All the very best, and hope you have some beautiful times ahead.

Would you consider contacting your local branch of Help The Aged on her behalf? I know they offer a befriending service and the volunteers will attend hospital appointments.

p.s. you can do this anonymously. I believe they are very discreet. I contacted them once on behalf of an elderly lady I met in a hospital waiting room who told me how lonely she was and found them to be very helpful and kind.

I just checked and it's now called Age UK.

I'd agree with above. We're in a similar situation with a neighbour (frustratingly her son, who admittedly does live far away, hasn't visiting for over 18 months because of covid, then he got a new cat, then he's getting a kitchen fitted...) and we decided we had to draw quite firm boundaries. She got a new puppy recently that she can't really walk enough but we've said we'll only do it if she's injured or something. Other neighbours have stepped in to do that, whilst we do a lot of the maintenance, picking up shopping etc.

Not sure if it's an option for you, but we did have a few discussions about it with a couple of close neighbours and have got an informal split of folk doing different things for her which makes it easier on everyone. It might be that other people just haven't realised, or that she has got used to asking you for help and doesn't feel comfortable asking others. But she might be okay if they offer?

I had a lovely elderly neighbour, she was my friend. She never asked for help and she had 3 adult children. When she went into a home and before the house was sold her son fully expected me to sort out National Grid even though legally it was nothing to do with me.

My DGMs expectations of me far outweighed my male cousins and it is exhausting.

You cannot do anymore and very quickly by taking this on it will become your responsibility. Your life is valuable.

What selfish children there are for some of these elderly people.... I would worry at being the one to set up appointments for transport, Age UK etc as they will have your number as a point of contact. It is her children that should be doing this, not you.

I too have had years of looking after elderly parents, it nearly broke me at times, I would just not do this for a NDN if they have children who should be stepping up.

Having said all that, I volunteer with Age UK but that is my choice and I can stop at any time.

It will lead to more input. No doubt about it. I can't believe all your parents let you put your lives on hold and miss out on so much. They were happy for you both to do that for ten years?!
Your neighbour has a choice how to plan for her old age knowing she has no family. She has chosen not to learn to drive, not to downsize, not to move. Now she will live her life as a result of her choices.
IME she'll lean more heavily on you as as she ages . Many older people have enough cash to pay for support services but don't like to start spending what they've 'scrimped and saved' for. It's easier to see what you can get for free despite the inconvenience to others. PIL Trawled up and down the street looking for a lift to hospital despite sitting on hundreds of thousands. Embarrassing.
Emergencies aside. Don't get involved.

Her children are not necessarily selfish. They are hundreds of miles away, possibly have a difficult relationship, possibly have caring responsibilities already, and work full time and might not even know this is happening because their mum might not tell them

OP if you can I would call one of her kids and explain that their mother is in need of more help than she might be letting on and that you aren’t able to provide it. They can then talk to her, social services, AgeUK, her friends etc

There’s probably a 10 year conversation in the background of “mum please move closer to us” and the mother being attached to her home and not very pragmatic.

We cared for our elderly mum from a distance by arranging things for her. DB did hospital appointments by arranging his day off (which was partly flexible). I arranged supermarket shopping to be delivered. We even arranged for a taxi to collect her false teeth to go to the dentist for repair. Neighbours were only for emergencies and we were very grateful for that. Your neighbour's family need to step up and help out here - it isn't your responsibility.

We have an elderly neighbour who lived alone until Covid hit and her son moved back in due to a change in circumstances. Up to that point she always knew she could call on us and the other 2 neighbouring households in an emergency. We always checked on her needs whenever the power went off providing hot drinks/food etc as she was all electric. She has always been very appreciative of knowing we are a back up if needed but fully utilises paid for services or 3rd sector services when needed. She does not take advantage of us. You need to set boundaries for your neighbour.

Be honest about your reasons - can't face hospitals etc after death of parents. That's the only way she'll get the message not to ask you for that particular favour.

I agree with @CarrotVan.

I have an older aunt who needs a bit of support & takes the piss with her neighbours.

My siblings and I are so frustrated as she never tells us about things until they are at crisis point. This makes it hard for us to contribute (distance, jobs, frustration - we have already done support for 3 grandparents & 2 parents in the last 5 years)

She is also really really bad at following through eg. Spent hours sorting all the paperwork for the bank so she could control her husbands account using a PoA document then find she never posted it to the bank or spent hours researching a new cooker and fridge freezer and then find she never actually ordered the bloody things and the models you picked are unavailable so you have to start again.

Meanwhile she moans about how difficult it is to cook with only a stove top, grill and microwave!

Sympathies, OP. I don’t think you need to feel in the least guilty at being ‘busy’ when it comes to hospital appts. They can be hugely time consuming and once you start, she’ll come to expect it. There are patient transport services she needs to ask, or someone needs to on her behalf.

This sort of thing is rather different from helping with shopping or other small favours.

We have very frail, elderly neighbours who we help on a regular basis, but with things that involve a short visit. We are happy to do these as long as we’re here. They often call at least twice a week for various things. Their adult dcs are good but neither lives around the corner, and both are working so not available at short notice. Neighbours are always apologetic for asking and v grateful. I would not get involved with hospital appts though.

I might add that from experience, elderly people can become somewhat selfish and demanding, even if they were never like that before, and fail to understand (or just not want to understand) that their requests are becoming unreasonable.
The most notable case was when an old aunt of dh expected a friend to drive 20 minutes each way every night, to fill her 2 hot water bottles! And was most put out when the friend said she couldn’t do it any more.
(Aunt had refused dh’s offer of an electric blanket.).

She was an extreme case though.

OP you sound like a lovely person to even be worrying about if it's ok to not help her.
It is ok to say no.
You are in a village; are there any voluntary social groups or even the church would help? Then you know she's sorted but you have removed any responsibility from yourself.

I quite understand how you feel, and no, you should not be doing this caring. You have done your share and now it's your own time to enjoy, which you should enjoy without the burden of someone else.

I am in the same position where all parents have now passed away, including my mother who had dementia for seven years or more. I'm single and I do not want to be a carer for anyone else now, I am getting older myself.

A neighbour recently started asking for lifts to hospital appointments, telling me about her ailments and wanting lots of support. I was happy to chat (outdoors) but dreaded bumping into her, then she began asking for the lifts. I felt I had to put boundaries down, I'm afraid I said no, "not in the current COVID climate" and made a few helpful suggestions like other family members, local taxi company, hospital transport. It was slightly awkward at first but she has now got the message, and we do still chat without her asking for hospital lifts.

I think you need to remain kindly but have firm boundaries in place, there is nothing wrong with that.

I understand the reason for your reluctance
I agree that once you start, you will be asked more times

I would provide her with some taxi company numbers

Also, some towns have a system where local volunteers transport patients in their cars

Also, you can pre book hospital transport, in a hospital bus

I live abroad and my mother retired to a spot in a UK village, 15 minutes walk to the nearest bus stop. Fine when she was in her 60s and loved walking but useless in 20 years later unable to drive and mobility issues. She refused to take taxis.

Her neighbour's were an older man, young wife and teenage daughter. My mum had babysat the daughter for years, went to her school plays and concerts etc. The wife had to return to Poland to nurse and bury both parents over the three years.

Popping round to deliver gifts on a visit back the wife told me 'I like your mum and she is like a grandmother to XXXX but I have cared for sick parents and buried them. I am NOT doing it for your mum, so I have distanced myself'

I told her I completely understood. And I really did. Another relative was furious but mum was not her responsibility and although blunt I admired her honesty. The husband would look in on mum, help with shopping etc - call me if there any issues but the wife stayed well away.

Eventually, my mum went into a care home as her dementia progressed. The wife wrote me lovely letter which I read out to mum. They still drop off cards at the care home and I return cards from my mum.

Your neighbour has seen you 'care' for lots of people around and assumes you like it/ want to do it. I would set your stall your now. You don't have to be as blunt as my mum's neighbour but you sound like a lovely person and you can't afford to be vague. Do you know her closest friends in the village? Do you have a number for a relatives? Is she a member of a church?
They can be helpful. Tell them - you are not taking on her caring responsibilities. You are planning to take holidays, get your life back, still grieving. Then you need to tell your neighbour - that you are unable to help perhaps she can ask ......... then she is not left high and dry but you can enjoy the life you deserve.

Good luck OP