To think if he gets every Saturday to himself I should get one Sunday a month?

[Dancingbinbags]

Dh plays golf every Saturday. Every single Saturday.
I work four days a week but on my day off - between dropping the kids to school it amounts to 4 hours - I tend to do housework and anyway my friends are at work so I can’t meet them and do anything.
I want a Sunday to go into the city centre and shop and have lunch with a friend. Dh says no. Family time. Where is my time off? Where is my free time?
Two nights a week golf and a full day on a Saturday. Leaves in the morning and not back until late afternoon.

Men like this make me want to spit with rage. What a fucking selfish little twat he is. Thinking he is the boss of your time. I would tell him that you are having two Saturdays off and Sundays shared and he can get his lazy arse out of bed earlier on a Sunday morning too. Make plans and just go out and leave him to it and if he does not like it tell him he will end up with much more childcare and much less money when you divorce him.

Let him sulk but go anyway. Please stop being so bloody passive about this - he's acting in such an entitled manner because there's never been a pushback from you.

It's time to push back.

OP, my dad was like this with my mum. He was at the pub every fu king night and twice a day at the weekends. My mum was given the silent treatment for half a week if she dared leave the house once a week and visit her own mother. She only ever did this when it was school holidays but the tension and atmosphere was terrible.

My mum died young, at 56, and basically her whole life with him had been one of pure drudgery whilst he lived like a lord.

Seeing this left me damaged. I have screwed up so many relationships because I feared ending up like my mum - although the men I dated were nothing like my father.

My point is, as a child seeing this controlling behaviour I saw misery and unhappiness and it damaged me. I wish my mum had kicked him out, we would all have been much happier. I think you now need to think about your own happiness and how his controlling selfish behaviour will affect your children. Seriously, leave this selfish, chauvinistic, controlling man. You and the kids deserve better.

@Dancingbinbags

Oh yeah. On Sundays he surfaces around 11am.

Excellent news. This means you can get up, shower, put on some lovely ‘meet my friends for lunch clothes’ and be out the door before his lordship realises.

He sounds like a twat. You need a proper sit down talk about this. Or LTB: you’ll get more time to yourself and he’ll have to do some parenting.

@Wishihadanalgorithm

OP, my dad was like this with my mum. He was at the pub every fu king night and twice a day at the weekends. My mum was given the silent treatment for half a week if she dared leave the house once a week and visit her own mother. She only ever did this when it was school holidays but the tension and atmosphere was terrible.

My mum died young, at 56, and basically her whole life with him had been one of pure drudgery whilst he lived like a lord.

Seeing this left me damaged. I have screwed up so many relationships because I feared ending up like my mum - although the men I dated were nothing like my father.

My point is, as a child seeing this controlling behaviour I saw misery and unhappiness and it damaged me. I wish my mum had kicked him out, we would all have been much happier. I think you now need to think about your own happiness and how his controlling selfish behaviour will affect your children. Seriously, leave this selfish, chauvinistic, controlling man. You and the kids deserve better.

This is such a powerful and important point. Please please think about what you are modelling for your children and what the effect of that will be on them OP, in terms of their future relationships. They will also be so much happier in the present if they have a happy independent mother.

@Wishihadanalgorithm

OP, my dad was like this with my mum. He was at the pub every fu king night and twice a day at the weekends. My mum was given the silent treatment for half a week if she dared leave the house once a week and visit her own mother. She only ever did this when it was school holidays but the tension and atmosphere was terrible.

My mum died young, at 56, and basically her whole life with him had been one of pure drudgery whilst he lived like a lord.

Seeing this left me damaged. I have screwed up so many relationships because I feared ending up like my mum - although the men I dated were nothing like my father.

My point is, as a child seeing this controlling behaviour I saw misery and unhappiness and it damaged me. I wish my mum had kicked him out, we would all have been much happier. I think you now need to think about your own happiness and how his controlling selfish behaviour will affect your children. Seriously, leave this selfish, chauvinistic, controlling man. You and the kids deserve better.

Your poor mum. She died so young. This is the reality.

I never ceased to be surprised at how many poster's say the children are protected.

Children see EVERYTHING.
Even if they don't fully understand.
They see EVERYTHING.

As they grow up, they THEN understand.
That knowledge is then additional damage.

Staying with controlling abusive men don't always leave the partner very damaged but the children always are.

Please don't risk your children's futures by staying with this awful man.

You all deserve better.

I'd tell him you'd get more time to yourself if you kicked his arse out and he had his own children to look after EOW and midweek.

I would also leave the house early tomorrow morning, before he leaves for golf. Leave him a big note or 2 to ensure he can't say he missed it ... put one on his driver's seat ... and tell him you're not having it and he can stay home and watch the children for once in his life. And that you'll talk about the new fair arrangements in the house going forward or he can get to fuck permanently.

Honestly, it sounds like you are living in the 1950s.

How old are you? How old is DH? How old are your DC?

You are perpetuating his lifestyle - how long has this been going on for? This has to stop, he is taking the piss.

I once went out with a golfer and dumped him for this very reason. He couldn't understand why I didn't find it acceptable that his 'hobby' usurped everything else and by doing his 'hobby' it meant he got out of his responsibilities - cleaning, going shopping, - we didn't have kids but add childcare to this list!

Go to your Sunday shopping and have a wonderful time.

Start a google family calendar - start booking time out for yourself.

Fuck his fucking golf - he just sounds entrenched and unyielding - a really bad combination

What is he doing all day? A round golf (18 holes) is around 4 hours max?

Dh would often says - to ds - ‘I’d never stop your mother doing anything.’
However it annoys me that he even says this, because it implies that he could if he wanted to

But why does it annoy you? It implies he could if he wanted to? He already does it, there’s no implication there, he does stop you, and you let him.

Fuck that. I'd be taking the kids to him while he's still in bed say bye I'm off for the day and go. What a waste of space.

I would say that if you get Sunday 2-5 to yourself once a month, he gets Saturday 2-5 to himself once a month.

What goes for him, goes for you. If he's not happy with that amount of free time... why is he expecting you to be happy with it?

@MMMarmite

What a twat. If you divorced, would he want to see the kids? You'd get more free time if he had them every other weekend than you do at the moment.

He wouldn't take them. Men like this never do and it's sad that women procreate with them and then do so again because they're shit excuses for fathers.

He’s still arsey about it this morning. Apparently Saturday with the children is my day off.

Tell him to take the kids the golf course on a Saturday im sure he will change his mind

@Dancingbinbags

And I’m too tired to see them in the evenings after work - my friends. Dh says take the dc with me and meet on Saturdays. It is super not relaxing taking the dc out for lunch with my friends and trying to converse.

I hope he's suggesting the dcs accompany him round the golf course every other Saturday while you're in town have a coffee and an uninterrupted chat

@Dancingbinbags

He’s still arsey about it this morning. Apparently Saturday with the children is my day off.

So then Sunday with the children is his day off?

I think you can't reason with selfish.
He may accept grudgingly more than he will grant willingly, if you see what I mean. You just need to start doing it.

This is dreadful, he sounds like an awful person.

You need to push past the sulking and not let it stop you from going out, speak to your friends about this when you are out. It seems like his bad moods are really distressing for you. Read up on coercive and controlling relationships OP.

I don't understand why him getting moody about it stops you doing things. I'd say fuck it and go anyway. Who does he think he is dictating family time, and what you are allowed to do.

This is yet another MN thread that astonishes me how much absolute crap some women put up with from men.

But Sunday he is offended I don’t want to spend time with him. Apparently if I go out Sunday we get no family time. 🙄🙄🙄

Fgs OP - this is no way to live. So bloody what if he's arsey?! Tell him how it's going to be. Don't ask permission. Tell him: "These are your children as much as they are mine. You have got away with not doing any parenting for long enough. I am entitled to child-free leisure time as much as you are, and from now on I will be taking it, whether you like it or not, so tough shit. I will either go out on Sundays or we will have alternate Saturdays. This is not you 'letting' me go. I will do what I want, because I'm an adult, not a child, and not your employee".