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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if he gets every Saturday to himself I should get one Sunday a month?

488 replies

Dancingbinbags · 03/06/2021 20:01

Dh plays golf every Saturday. Every single Saturday.
I work four days a week but on my day off - between dropping the kids to school it amounts to 4 hours - I tend to do housework and anyway my friends are at work so I can’t meet them and do anything.
I want a Sunday to go into the city centre and shop and have lunch with a friend. Dh says no. Family time. Where is my time off? Where is my free time?
Two nights a week golf and a full day on a Saturday. Leaves in the morning and not back until late afternoon.

OP posts:
Katela18 · 04/06/2021 08:51

Sorry this is ridiculous...why did you even ask him permission in the first place?!

You're making excuses for him..."he's sulking so it's just easier not to go". Nope. Rubbish. He can sulk if he wants, you are a grown up and don't need someone else to tell you how you spend your time. if family time is so important to him, he will give up golf on the Saturday. If not, he can wait til the following week.

The issue here is both of you, he behaves like this because you let him! You need to establish some boundaries and he needs to realise he doesn't get to tell his WIFE what she can and can't do.

sherrystrull · 04/06/2021 08:52

2-5 is too late for a Sunday. What reason has he given for not 'allowing' the morning?

ineedaholidaynow · 04/06/2021 08:53

I bet he is suggesting those hours so you can prepare lunch and dinner (as assume he doesn’t usually cook meals).

Old are the DC? Has he always been like this?

MegaClutterSlut · 04/06/2021 08:54

Sounds like he's using family time as an excuse, really he just cba'd to look after his kids. I'd fuck off out anyway and make sure you do! the division is massively unfair

Iggi999 · 04/06/2021 08:54

I would actually agree that one day at the weekend should be spent all together - "family time" if you like.
So it is only fair that you alternate Saturdays.

honeygirlz · 04/06/2021 08:56

@Dancingbinbags

Dh would often says - to ds - ‘I’d never stop your mother doing anything.’ However it annoys me that he even says this, because it implies that he could if he wanted to. My parents certainly never spoke to each other in this way. Also it’s not true. He has stopped me previously and his reluctance to have the dc stops me a lot of the time. Sunday afternoon 2-5 is where we are at the moment 🙄
This shouldn't be a negotiation.

He gets 4 Saturdays free, you get a whole Sunday (and anothe one if you want).

Tell him what's happening. Never apologise, never explain!

edwinbear · 04/06/2021 08:57

He’s chosen 2pm - 5pm so he doesn’t have to feed his DC. He’s a shit excuse for a husband and father OP - but I think you know this already.

mynameisbrian · 04/06/2021 08:59

So this man does nothing at home or with his DC. He goes to golf on a saturday and during the week. However on a sunday when you ask for time out he hides behind 'family' time. Which basically means him doing nothing and you dealing with kids and food.

If you never stand up to this man this will be your life, an increase in bitterness and frustrationg and no life of your own. You need to see this Sunday as the start of something new for you. A new more confident you who is a person in there own right, who can go and see friends without seeking permission or having a man thinking his wants and needs trump your own. Sunday your going out and I certainly wouldnt be having him allocating a set amount of hours as I can guarantee he will be calling you to remind you throughout. You should set a rule of NC unless an emergency when your seeing friends. You need to stop being a passive bystander in your life.

edwinbear · 04/06/2021 08:59

Also, you know full well he’ll be moaning to his golf buddies about how the little woman is trying to interfere with his right to play golf. They will all be sympathising with him and sharing strategies as to how they got their wives to pipe down about it. Don’t be the woman that puts up and shuts up.

Nogoodusername · 04/06/2021 09:00

“OK DH, so we’ll alternate Saturdays then. Which two are you going to golf and which ones am I having?”

IgglePiggleHater · 04/06/2021 09:01

Who cooks and looks after the children during so-called "family time"?

honeygirlz · 04/06/2021 09:01

@Nogoodusername

“OK DH, so we’ll alternate Saturdays then. Which two are you going to golf and which ones am I having?”
100%
Luxplus · 04/06/2021 09:09

As I see it it has nothing to do with golf but all to do with him wanting to control the family and time spend. You need to decide if this is a life you wanna live, only you can decide. But he is not going to change,and I think you know this too..

Taliskerskye · 04/06/2021 09:11

2-5 is definitely so he can avoid any parenting/feeding
It’s basically the time it takes to put a child in front of the tv to watch a film.

Do you feel sad your husband not only doesn’t like you, but obviously doesn’t like your children very much either.

viques · 04/06/2021 09:15

He is not playing golf all day though is he? Even crap golfers don’t take that long to walk around a grassy field after a little ball. He is propping up a bar. Either he books a round really early on a Saturday and is back at home by 11.00 or he shares the Saturdays and you get alternate weeks.

Cocogreen · 04/06/2021 09:21

Slightly off topic but who are these other men who play every Saturday with him?
Or do they play fortnightly or monthly because they consider their wives as equals and he's the only one who gets away with this in the group!
I'm really angry on your behalf OP.

SwimBaby · 04/06/2021 09:24

Ignore his sulking.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 04/06/2021 09:26

@Cocogreen

Slightly off topic but who are these other men who play every Saturday with him? Or do they play fortnightly or monthly because they consider their wives as equals and he's the only one who gets away with this in the group! I'm really angry on your behalf OP.
Mine does because our children are older now. In fact, DS goes with him now and is also a keen golfer. DH is teetotal, though, DS is too young to drink. They are usually out of the house dead early and home by 11 or so unless they're going to another course that's not nearby.

Plenty of people do not have young children or babies, they have older or grown children, share contact with an ex or have no children at all.

scubadive · 04/06/2021 09:27

He’s a twat.

Does he have a lie In Sunday morning while you get up with the children?

He doesn’t want family time, he just wants to control you.

SwimBaby · 04/06/2021 09:27

Plus go out for longer than 2-5. Don’t negotiate with him just do it.
The sulking will get less when he realises he’s losing control. It will take a little while. He’s trying to make it so you think it’s easier not to go. Think like him for once and go.

LindaEllen · 04/06/2021 09:28

Don't ask, tell.
'It's not fair that you get every Saturday to yourself, so from now we're going to alternate' or something like that.

purpleboy · 04/06/2021 09:28

Jesus op this is no way to live. Stand up for yourself, you are entitled to time with your friends. Show your children what it's like to be in an equal marriage, I'm afraid your not setting a good example for them.

JSL52 · 04/06/2021 09:32

@Dancingbinbags

I’ve mentioned Sunday and he’s not very happy. Sulking now. It’s easier not to go. Oh no, of course he doesn’t do any housework or childcare normally. Never has.
No ! Ignore the sulking. Go out. Maybe leave a few things that need doing , things the fairies normally do. School uniforms for Monday ?
scubadive · 04/06/2021 09:32

I’m afraid op, telling this man what you want and what will happen as many posters have said is never going to work with a man like this, The only option for your sense of worth and future happiness is to leave and honestly it doesn’t sound like he offers very much.

ShowMeHow · 04/06/2021 09:33

What’s impossible
With these types of issues issues
Is where the starting point is ‘fairness’ between adults as it it is the same as equal portions of cake. It’s just not we don’t all choose or need or want the same cake or the same portion size every time.

It’s not possible to balance adult lives in this way IMO unless you job share house share and child share and life share as two halves of the same person.

If you’d like to catch up with friends occasionally this is perfectly reasonable whether he golfs every Saturday or not. End of.

He’s objecting to parenting in your absence?