To think if he gets every Saturday to himself I should get one Sunday a month?

[Dancingbinbags]

Dh plays golf every Saturday. Every single Saturday.
I work four days a week but on my day off - between dropping the kids to school it amounts to 4 hours - I tend to do housework and anyway my friends are at work so I can’t meet them and do anything.
I want a Sunday to go into the city centre and shop and have lunch with a friend. Dh says no. Family time. Where is my time off? Where is my free time?
Two nights a week golf and a full day on a Saturday. Leaves in the morning and not back until late afternoon.

@Dancingbinbags

Dh would often says - to ds - ‘I’d never stop your mother doing anything.’ However it annoys me that he even says this, because it implies that he could if he wanted to. My parents certainly never spoke to each other in this way. Also it’s not true. He has stopped me previously and his reluctance to have the dc stops me a lot of the time. Sunday afternoon 2-5 is where we are at the moment 🙄

Please don't become one of those posters who starts a thread like this every few months, gets told every time to LTB, but never makes any changes (I understand that some are unable to do so, because they are in coercive/abusive situations, but it doesn't sound as if that is the case here) .

You know this is not right. Your DH is a shit husband and a terrible role model to your children. Don't kid yourself that you can teach them not to imitate your relationship when they are older - these patterns run deep. You owe it to yourself and your kids to get shot of this parasite. Set yourself a goal of speaking to a solicitor by the end of the month.

He sounds and is very controlling - the only reason it doesn’t crop out often if due to you being passive and not making waves.
He’s a misogynist - believing women must do all the childcare and domestic chores.
We shouldn’t need to “ seek permission” to go out.
However I’m aware it’s not easy.
You are doing well to stick up for yourself.
Keep going.
Selfish sod.
What does he bring to your relationship.
He’s not sharing the domestic load and does what he wants.

And nobody wants their friend's kids along at a meet-up lunch/coffee.

Ok - if it's an emergency childcare difficulty, but not every time, planned - where's the relaxation in that (an there's a lot of things you can't then discuss - like what a twat your DH is . . . )

This is not a negotiation. You have plans, he is watching the children. Bringing the DC into it with ‘I would never stop mummy’ is manipulative and deplorable.

This is no way to live.
I agree with those saying use this as an opportunity to change the dynamic. Start off with a few hours on the Sunday and build it up.
Ignore the sulks.
Ignore the guilt trip.
Ignore the pathetic comments.

Or start making your exit plan.

YANBU x1000
Ignore the sulk and arrange your trip for a Sunday. Plus highlight how ridiculous the sulk is when he has every Saturday for golf. Maybe ask him should you have an equivalent sulk every Saturday then?
Honestly can’t stand these men who bugger off out all weekend for their ‘hobbies’.

So he gets every Saturday & he can't agree to one Sunday a month??

In fact he can only tolerate his kids for 3hrs?

Poor little sods.

Does also hate you so much that he won't spend time with his kids in order to let you have time to yourself?

I feel angry on your behalf, OP. Men's entitlement to their own time is always so readily assumed by them that it feels invisible: they don't see that they have this massive perk that their partners lack. And women are often so defensive and concilliatory and apologetic about expecting leisure time, and have to work so hard at getting it, that any leisure time had by them is hyper-visible -- a great fat ''concession' that their partners can grumble about or preen themselves about.

If it were possible, I would say just do it, take your day off and present it to him as a fait accompli. Not something that has to be negotitated about or explained or justified or apologised for. Just a natrual, default freedom like the one he expects for himself.

I would find that impossible to do, though. As an alternative, tell him you will look after the children for four hours every saturday, to match your week-day solitude. Or LTB. God, I get more and more furious about these things as I get older.

I am a bit uncomfortable about the way some posters are piling on OP , telling her to get a backbone etc etc . She is obviously ground down and used to her DH’s behaviour . Things won’t change overnight but I do think that acknowledging the unfairness is a step forward.
I am actually watching a similar situation irl . Both parents work f/ t but Mum gets no down time ( golf is again a factor!). Taking advice after discussions with her h had achieved nothing , she got up early one Sat and left the house . When he woke up he simply took the DC to his ILs and played golf as usual . The row afterwards was horrendous.
You can’t force someone to parent . My ex would never take our DC overnight as he said he wasn’t “ a fucking babysitter”. Now adults they have virtually no relationship with him .
Good luck 💐

Absolutely unacceptable OP! you don't just sit there and take his orders, you tell him what you will and won't accept. He gets every single Saturday and has done for years. I'd be telling him I'm having a full day now every week.
If you don't put an end to his authoritarian, sexist ways this will only escalate. This is male entitlement at its worst.

I have only read your comments Op. 2-5?
No. You need to say 'I am a grown adult who aids you to go to golf every Saturday. You have no reason to ask my permission. I am asking for one Sunday, if you can't accept without a strop then maybe we need to assess your Saturdays!'

Completely ignore his mood, he will be hoping it works and you don't go. You are part of a family but you are also a grown adult who doesn't need to ask permission.

Get some control. You are going out, you do not have a curfew. You will leave when suits you and arrive home when you are ready!

I had an ex like this. Trust me, if you don't stand up now you will never be free to do as you please.

Don’t ask permission. Just say you’ll be doing it.

The solution is either he has every Saturday and you have every Sunday (all day) off. Or you take alternate Saturdays and do family stuff on Sundays.

Tell him that moving forward, whatever time he takes without children on Saturday is what you’re having on Sunday

If he goes on about family time, tell him that he needs to change Saturdays to accommodate it too

'It's easier not to go'

My friend used to say this. Her ex stripped her of all family and most of her friends because she never accept invitations out. He made her down trodden mess.

It's abuse. What a wanker.

Life is too short for this op. Why are you with him? He doesn’t respect you.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

You will just have to go on Saturday then.

I completely agree with this.

I'd be getting up early tomorrow and getting ready to spend the day out of the house.
Calling out have fun with the kids and driving off before he can open his gob for protest!!!!
What exactly are you getting from him?

OP how did you get to the position where you are now allowed 2-5 on Sunday. When you pointed out he has all day every single Saturday and two evenings a week and he is allowing you 3 hours, how did he justify this? Does he genuinely believe he is doing you a favour? He’s deluded and as PP’s have said, it’s a dreadful dynamic for your DC to be watching.

I’m so sorry to read your thread @Dancingbinbags.

Is this marriage really what you want? You only have one life, do you want to waste it married to a controlling, selfish twat?

I couldn't be with someone who controlled me like this. It's strange he said that to the DC too.

@stayathomer I don't think it's an overreaction. He doesn't do any housework, childcare and although he gets plenty of leisure time doesn't LET the OP have any thing near equal time to herself. A marriage should be about loving each other and not being someone's house maid.

It does NOT take an entire day to play a round of golf.
Unless you live in Leeds and he plays golf in Ayrshire.

It takes me 3 and a half hours to play 18 holes.
Busy clubs might be 4 and a half.

@Dancingbinbags

I’ve mentioned Sunday and he’s not very happy. Sulking now. It’s easier not to go. Oh no, of course he doesn’t do any housework or childcare normally. Never has.

He's a sulker?

Sounds like a prick. If you left him, you could have every other whole weekend to yourself....and he'd have to step up and look after his kids.

The trouble here is because hes always done it it seems normal and is anything but! Did his love for Golf start before DC or after I wonder? Honestly these bloody men who seem to want all the fun/power in a RL piss me right off! I would say to him that you need downtime as well. If he kicks off then so be it.I appreciate you probably feel concerned ,but honestly make a stand . you dont want to be back here asking for advice when they are older, and you have lost track of your chums!

@Dancingbinbags, why have you you left this become your life? Why isn’t he doing equal housework and equal share of childcare? Why did you ever allow this at the start if your marriage? You’re not his fucking mother. Stop asking and just tell him. Don’t negotiate a few hours because then the narrative becomes that he’s such a good partner whose sacrificed to give you what you’ve asked for. Well, bollocks has he.

This sort of thing comes up in MN all the bloody time. I cannot ever fathom how women get themselves into these situations where they do 90% of everything needed for their household to function. How does IV happen? Surely you lay ground rules when you move in/get married? Then again when you plan a baby? Again; you’re not his fucking mother.