Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am hurt friends didn't ask about new job.

118 replies

LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 19:19

I have just been appointed to a new senior role after many unsuccessful interviews. I was invited to one friends this morning for brunch and the invitation included the messages 'wow we should have bubbles.' The lady is very wealthy and the DH is a wine collector. Yesterday I was told another friend was joining us which I was a bit disappointed about as together these ladies play competitive mum. I took fruit, dressed up and looked forward to having a chat around what I would be doing. If you put a gun to their heads they could not tell you what my title is, who my employer is or why I am going overseas at the end of the month. They totally ignored it. It was given less than 5 minutes attention. I am really hurt. Certainly no cards, gifts or the aforementioned bubbles although I walked past the wine rack on the way to the wc. The hostess was a great friend who I holidayed with when our twenty somethings were small. I am really hurt. Aibu?

OP posts:
xoJellyBean · 03/06/2021 19:20

No you're not. I would feel the same, especially if this is something you have worked hard for! It sounds like there's a little jealous from your friends perhaps.

NigellaSeed · 03/06/2021 19:22

Yeah sounds pretty thoughtless of them. Were they preoccupied talking about something upsetting? If not, yanbu. Probably just have to internally forgive and forget though.

namechangejune21 · 03/06/2021 19:22

So did they totally ignore it or did they only talk about it for 5 minutes? Your message isn’t clear.

I suppose it depends what sort of friendship group you have- if I got a new job my friends and I would congratulate but we wouldn’t specifically do gifts and bubbly for it.

namechangejune21 · 03/06/2021 19:23

Congrats on the job though! Flowers

ShirleyPhallus · 03/06/2021 19:26

Is this a joke?? It was your promotion, the onus is on you to take a bottle of bubbles, open it and say “so, let me tell you about this new job....”

If you just took fruit then no wonder they thought there wasn’t much to celebrate! I’m sure the wealthy woman would have opened a bottle of something after drinking yours but as someone who might be perceived to be the “wealthy” friend of the group it pisses me off if someone expects I’ll crack open a bottle of finest for their celebration if they basically turn up empty handed

Whenwillitmakesense · 03/06/2021 19:27

If it’s a new job you are changing the dynamic and they won’t mention it as it rocks the boat about what they are doing

I recently started a new role and had the same - it hurts as I am always supportive of people but the amount of people who did the same is shocking - even things as simple as liking a SM post

is there anyone who has congratulated you? Could you do some drinks with those friends

Moonshine11 · 03/06/2021 19:27

Do you normally do gifts for new jobs etc?
We tend to congratulate, speak about what their doing (no more than afew mins) and then wish them luck on their first day.
I wouldn’t expect a brunch to be evolved around it tbh.

SeasonFinale · 03/06/2021 19:28

Congrats on the job; you say they did give 5 minutes to it. That is what I would expect - definitely not gifts, cards or bubbly! In fact the more I think about it maybe they were expecting you to provide the bubbles as it is your celebration not theirs.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/06/2021 19:30

I understand your disappointment, but I think your expectations were a bit high unless you have an unusually fascinating job. I would expect my friends to be pleased for me, but not particularly interested in the specifics. I don't know my friends' job titles, tbh, and we wouldn't discuss work trips in any detail unless they impacted on joint social plans or there was some drama involved.

Do you have a DP and parents? They are the ones I would expect to show a real interest.

FirmlyRooted · 03/06/2021 19:32

Well done on the job! I don't think you're reasonable at all to expect cards or gifts, it wouldn't cross my mind to be honest. It's also unreasonable to expect friends to remember your job title or employer, unless you're in the same industry.

It's not unreasonable to expect to talk about your new job and overseas travel is very noteworthy at the moment

CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 19:33

Why did you not just raise the topic yourself?

PigGondola · 03/06/2021 19:36

OP, this woman congratulated you, invited you to brunch, and she and you definitely your other friend discussed your new job for a few minutes! Are you seriously complaining that she didn’t do enough, should have also given you a card and present, and that the conversation should have been entirely on your promotion for the whole meal?

HumansAreShocking · 03/06/2021 19:39

Gifts, cards? Why would you get a gift?!

wheresmymojo · 03/06/2021 19:40

I've never had gifts for a new job nor known anyone else to be given a gift.

I think it's totally reasonable that they just spent 5 minutes on chatting about it - other people's jobs are very dull.

And I say this as someone who is a mid-level manager so it's not sour grapes from someone who has never progressed.

Original poster
LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 19:42

I always host in our set, we take gifts. The wealthy friend suggested she would open something nice, exotic fruit is expensive. I do not sponge off my friends infact the opposite.
I do not have parents, my sister doesn't talk to her siblings and my brother is terminally ill. Things have been a bit crap. Perhaps it is time to move on.

OP posts:
OrchidLass · 03/06/2021 19:44

I don't understand why you were expecting gifts for getting your new job tbh? Why on earth would anyone expect this?

If I had been you I would have taken some bubbles and actually told them about the job.

Oh and congratulations on the job, that's great news.

Jericha · 03/06/2021 19:44

Congratulations on your new job @LipstickLou sorry things have been pants recently.

StarryStarrySocks · 03/06/2021 19:44

If you put a gun to their heads they could not tell you what my title is, who my employer is or why I am going overseas at the end of the month.

Nobody knows this much about their friends' jobs surely?! OK they might know who your employer is if they are paying attention but the rest isn't of any great interest to anyone other than you and your colleagues.

partyatthepalace · 03/06/2021 19:45

Your expectations are way too high. Your friend asked you to lunch to celebrate. Someone else came which will naturally broadened the conversation. They talked about it for 5 mins. I am sure they are happy for you, but It’s not their job, how interested can you expect them to be? Sure it would be nice if she’s opened a bottle, but that would have been a bonus, it shouldn’t be an expectation.

Original poster
LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 19:56

@whenwillitmakesense

Thank you. I am the only one in this group of old friends that has a high powered job. Their husbands do but not them. When I went back to work many years ago they excluded me for a while. Sighting we didn't ask you to such and such because we thought you would be working. The dynamic changed then and only improved when I gave up to look after my dying father.
We always do gifts when we go somewhere and cards for occasions. I have two great friends who are professional business women. They delivered cards and fizz.

OP posts:
PigGondola · 03/06/2021 20:10

I think you’re actively looking for slights.

Original poster
LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 20:20

PigGondola not looking for slights but I have been here before.
I have decided not to take offensive but move on.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 03/06/2021 20:25

Cards and presents? Why would they that's totally ott.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 20:25

[quote LipstickLou]@whenwillitmakesense

Thank you. I am the only one in this group of old friends that has a high powered job. Their husbands do but not them. When I went back to work many years ago they excluded me for a while. Sighting we didn't ask you to such and such because we thought you would be working. The dynamic changed then and only improved when I gave up to look after my dying father.
We always do gifts when we go somewhere and cards for occasions. I have two great friends who are professional business women. They delivered cards and fizz.[/quote]
Sounds like you're incompatible. You are very proud of your high powered job and maybe they feel that you think you're superior as a result? Or maybe you're keen to feel validated?

Either way that's not a healthy dynamic so I'd be using your new job to find friends you're more in tune with

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/06/2021 20:43

I do not have parents, my sister doesn't talk to her siblings and my brother is terminally ill. Things have been a bit crap.

Okay, in this circumstance it is disappointing that your friends didn't make a little effort to be excited and genuinely celebrate. A joy shared is a joy doubled, and if they know your family won't really be sharing the joy...it would be nice if they thought to step up

But congratulations anyway, not just for getting it this time but for never giving up before! FlowersWineCake