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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am hurt friends didn't ask about new job.

118 replies

LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 19:19

I have just been appointed to a new senior role after many unsuccessful interviews. I was invited to one friends this morning for brunch and the invitation included the messages 'wow we should have bubbles.' The lady is very wealthy and the DH is a wine collector. Yesterday I was told another friend was joining us which I was a bit disappointed about as together these ladies play competitive mum. I took fruit, dressed up and looked forward to having a chat around what I would be doing. If you put a gun to their heads they could not tell you what my title is, who my employer is or why I am going overseas at the end of the month. They totally ignored it. It was given less than 5 minutes attention. I am really hurt. Certainly no cards, gifts or the aforementioned bubbles although I walked past the wine rack on the way to the wc. The hostess was a great friend who I holidayed with when our twenty somethings were small. I am really hurt. Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 20:44

Agreed not a healthy dynamic.
Just had a text apologising for this morning and wishing me well. Second lady bombed brunch apparently. Thank you all. I get I expect too much. Not having family my friends mean alot to me.

OP posts:
HelpMeh · 03/06/2021 20:51

Me and my friends don't really talk about our jobs to be honest and I couldn't tell you in any great detail what any of them do...

A promotion would get a congratulations but not a gift unless it was truly jaw dropping stuff. It certainly wouldn't be the topic of conversation for a whole night.

These are my longest, closest friends. There's no bitterness or jealousy, we just have more interesting things to discuss 🤷‍♀️

Grapewrath · 03/06/2021 20:55

Your expectations were completely unrealistic OP. I’m sorry you were hurt but sharing a few moments of news is very much the norm when you get a new job as opposed to a full on celebration and bubbles

Original poster
LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 21:03

The job is jaw dropping. I haven't told them so I was not boasting!
Even my husband was gobsmacked however my adult son said the company will get their money's worth you are good at what you do. I have been ill and burgled so this is a big deal for me. They know this. I am sticking to the party girls from now on. But thank you for your comments.

OP posts:
DulseSeaweed · 03/06/2021 21:14

I think your expectations were quite high as none work/are in your industry. My husband was recently promoted to v. senior level at a huge international org. He got hundreds of private msgs when he updated linkedin, there was a couple of articles online, we cracked open bubbly at home but there was no fuss really in our personal lives. His friends all do different things...musician, struggling actor, journalist, detective etc...they congratulate each other on successes but it would be a bit much to expect them to be interested in low level detail about financial services when none of them have an interest in it! Their friendship is built on mutual interests, hobbies etc. That's what they talk about.

Congrats on your job. Please don't take it personally.

partyatthepalace · 03/06/2021 21:20

Congrats on it honestly - is great for you.

But no one really gives a shit about other people’s jobs - however jaw dropping they are to the individual, if you aren’t in the same industry it’s meaningless.

HelpMeh · 03/06/2021 21:23

Is it obviously jaw dropping though? I mean if one of my lot were awarded a Nobel Peace Price then we might go in for the big celebration, but if they were made Partner in a firm or some such then they'd get a cheers and we'd move on with the evening.

Our careers are somewhat meaningless to our group dynamic.

Original poster
LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 21:25

@DulseSeaweed
Thank you. Congrats to your DH. I am not taking it personally as I think it is just their way. Their husbands have/had big jobs and they were mainly stay at home mums . Now they are semi retired (I am 5/7 years younger).I love working, I expected too much this morning. I could have taken bubbles but was told not to bring anything. Thank you once again.

OP posts:
Original poster
LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 21:31

@HelpMeh jaw dropping to my other friends. This was not a evening event. I was specifically asked around to celebrate. We are in temporary accommodation so I am not hosting at present. I only asked if I was wrong to feel hurt. I think MN threads do not give a full picture. I get it, you think I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
OrchidLass · 03/06/2021 21:35

You say you don't have family OP buy you have a DH and a DS. They're you're family surely? Many, many of us no longer have parents etc but other people will never replace the interest that they took in events like these. That's just the way it is I suppose. Celebrate with your DH and DS.

IEat · 03/06/2021 21:41

So they ignored it yet spoke about it for 5 minutes... did you want a standing ovation? If it was a chat for 5 mins that’s enough fir the other people because hearing someone go about a job is rather boring after a few minutes

pickingdaisies · 03/06/2021 21:41

Ah well, if other person bombed the lunch, I expect your friend didn't really know how to handle it. Didn't want to show up the third person by making it obvious to them that they'd muscled in, so didn't get out the fizz.

FreezeMotherHubbard · 03/06/2021 21:45

@LipstickLou

I have just been appointed to a new senior role after many unsuccessful interviews. I was invited to one friends this morning for brunch and the invitation included the messages 'wow we should have bubbles.' The lady is very wealthy and the DH is a wine collector. Yesterday I was told another friend was joining us which I was a bit disappointed about as together these ladies play competitive mum. I took fruit, dressed up and looked forward to having a chat around what I would be doing. If you put a gun to their heads they could not tell you what my title is, who my employer is or why I am going overseas at the end of the month. They totally ignored it. It was given less than 5 minutes attention. I am really hurt. Certainly no cards, gifts or the aforementioned bubbles although I walked past the wine rack on the way to the wc. The hostess was a great friend who I holidayed with when our twenty somethings were small. I am really hurt. Aibu?
Cards or gifts? Sorry but that's not really a thing for a promotion IMO and your updates are arrogant.
FreezeMotherHubbard · 03/06/2021 21:48

Actually I'm calling reverse. Dressed up and took fruit - is this some in joke we've missed out on or was this event on 31st October?

saraclara · 03/06/2021 21:57

I suspect that your life is very different from that of most of us, OP. Maybe within your circle, gifts and a ton of attention for such a promotion is 'a thing'. But for 99% of us it really isn't. Consequently you're getting the responses that you are.

I'm sorry it didn't go as you hoped, especially when you've been having a bad time. But really, for the vast majority of us, our friends' and our own promotions are just a five minute conversation and a congratulations, at most. I don't have a clue about what my friends' jobs actually involve, or their titles (outside the teachers and nurses).I can't think of anyone other than my daughters who've even had a card from me. And that was just for their first job!

Danni91 · 03/06/2021 22:00

I think they was expecting you to bring the wine/champange whatever you was expecting to drink.

In all honestly I'd absolutely 100% not be buying my friends 'congratulation' gifts if they got a high paying job. I would be be interested however.

Idk whats upsetting you more, was it the lack of celebration or the lack of booze & gifts or the conversation not focused on it? I feel you would get better responses if we narrowed it down

I see you host them quite often & you feel they take the piss - could this be impacting your view?

OP - congratulations on your job, what are you going to be doing?

Original poster
LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 22:01

Had a bit to much to drink freezemotherhubbard? Nasty irrelevant post. End of thread.

OP posts:
Babygotblueyes · 03/06/2021 22:03

Its crappy of them. So sorry it happened. People are really self absorbed sometimes, but I cannot imagine being with a group of friends and knowing something nice had happened to one of them without giving it a good amount of discussion time.

whiteroseredrose · 03/06/2021 22:05

If your friends don't have high powered jobs, your promotion or new job is unlikely to be of much interest to them. It may be jaw dropping to you, as you value that, but it maybe not something that is important to them.

They may be more interested in the other sides to you, that they understand and share with you, such as your children or a shared hobby.

In our group, some have chosen to take demotions, had promotions (one is now extremely senior) or turned them down (me). Nobody is much interested. Kids, hobbies and holidays are much more interesting!

NickD87 · 03/06/2021 22:07

YABU. It also sounds a little like you’re doing them down because they choose not to work etc.
You told them about it, it came up in conversation for 5 minutes and it moved on. If you think they should have spent the whole brunch talking about it then you’re a little deluded - let alone expecting gifts and cards. You seem pretty needy.

Original poster
LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 22:12

Thank you to those that have been kind. I didn't come on MN for a kicking. I have noticed before late night posters can be hurtful and go off thread. I don't have a thick skin. I was going to call my friend out but will let it pass. I thought they would be happy for me. And yes I usually have the bigger house so do all the parties. End of term etc. MN comments shock me tbh.

OP posts:
AdriannaP · 03/06/2021 22:12

Yabu.
A jaw dropping job? Get over yourself. Most people don’t care about stuff like that, most of our family members couldn’t even explain what DH or I do. We are proud of our careers and take them seriously, doesn’t mean everyone else around us needs to be invested in them. You said yourself your friends don’t high flying career so clearly they don’t care that much about it. Some people have different priorities in life. And honestly a card and gift for a promotion seems massively OTT

NickD87 · 03/06/2021 22:15

Sorry but if you “don’t have a thick skin” you might find this “high-powered job” a bit stressful...?
Your friends were happy for you! They congratulated you.
And I’m not sure why you’re suddenly bringing up house sizes etc. It’s irrelevant. You seem to be in one-sided competition with your friends. Unhealthy.
Sorry, you’re coming across really badly.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/06/2021 22:24

A jaw dropping job? Get over yourself.

This wasn't the OP's expression - another poster used it and the OP was just picking up on what was being asked.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 03/06/2021 22:24

I'd be a bit hurt too op, and of course you were disappointed when the promised celebration didn't materialise.

If you are invited round to celebrate with champagne, and told not to bring anything, then of course you will turn up expecting the host to provide the fizz.

You know your friendship group better than anyone on mn - if such events are usually celebrated with cards and a gift, then it is perfectly understandable that you expected that from your friend.

I don't understand some of the comments on here really - a bit of jealousy maybe.