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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am hurt friends didn't ask about new job.

118 replies

LipstickLou · 03/06/2021 19:19

I have just been appointed to a new senior role after many unsuccessful interviews. I was invited to one friends this morning for brunch and the invitation included the messages 'wow we should have bubbles.' The lady is very wealthy and the DH is a wine collector. Yesterday I was told another friend was joining us which I was a bit disappointed about as together these ladies play competitive mum. I took fruit, dressed up and looked forward to having a chat around what I would be doing. If you put a gun to their heads they could not tell you what my title is, who my employer is or why I am going overseas at the end of the month. They totally ignored it. It was given less than 5 minutes attention. I am really hurt. Certainly no cards, gifts or the aforementioned bubbles although I walked past the wine rack on the way to the wc. The hostess was a great friend who I holidayed with when our twenty somethings were small. I am really hurt. Aibu?

OP posts:

melj1213 · 03/06/2021 22:26

If you're about to take on such a jaw dropping, high powered job you need to get a thicker skin if Internet comments bother you so much.

You posted on the Internet and asked for opinions, if you just wanted validation then you are in the wrong place

fourminutestosavetheworld · 03/06/2021 22:26

And congratulations on your new job. It sounds like an amazing achievement.

idontlikealdi · 03/06/2021 22:38

I'm concerned how you are going to manage to function in a jaw dropping high powered job, with a thin skin.

Buckle in.

BadLad · 03/06/2021 22:43

@TheYearOfSmallThings

A jaw dropping job? Get over yourself.

This wasn't the OP's expression - another poster used it and the OP was just picking up on what was being asked.

Are you sure? I can't are any mention of it before the OP said:

"The job is jaw dropping. I haven't told them so I was not boasting!
Even my husband was gobsmacked however my adult son said the company will get their money's worth you are good at what you do. I have been ill and burgled so this is a big deal for me. They know this. I am sticking to the party girls from now on. But thank you for your comments."

BadLad · 03/06/2021 22:45

Are?

See

fourminutestosavetheworld · 03/06/2021 22:49

So what if op feels her job is jaw dropping and high powered? I'm sure it must be both. She didn't brag to her friends in rl but provided context for a load of anonymous mn posters about why she was so thrilled.

None of which means you can't be upset if good friends don't celebrate after saying that they will, and knowing how other events are celebrated within the group.

Op also said she doesn't have any parents around, has been poorly, and has been burgled, so why not be kind.

bigdaddyabii · 03/06/2021 22:51

Tbh I would've felt the same. Congrats on the job tho, I'm proud of you

Josette77 · 03/06/2021 22:54

Congrats on your new job!!

That said I think your expectations were too high, and you keep mentioning their husbands have high powered jobs but they don't. I'm not sure why that is important ?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/06/2021 23:06

Badlad yes, Helpmeh posted at 21:23:

A promotion would get a congratulations but not a gift unless it was truly jaw dropping stuff.

And then the OP referred to that later. Not really important but yes, it would sound bumptious if the term wasn't in response to something!

BadLad · 03/06/2021 23:08

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Badlad yes, Helpmeh posted at 21:23:

A promotion would get a congratulations but not a gift unless it was truly jaw dropping stuff.

And then the OP referred to that later. Not really important but yes, it would sound bumptious if the term wasn't in response to something!

So they did.

Spidey66 · 03/06/2021 23:22

Unless someone works in a similar field to me, I tend to find discussions about work a bit dull. I tend to drift off after a few minutes. I'd congratulate you, and talk about for a few minutes, then move on.

JetBlackSteed · 03/06/2021 23:28

Well done on your job!
Without knowing the dynamics of your friendship group, I would interpret "wow, we should have bubbles" as you bringing those bubbles with you to celebrate with.

If you arrived with fruit, and expected me to open my wine cellar, I wouldn't on principle.
Not that I have a wine cellar, or a spare bottle of fizz to hand.

Pedalpushers · 03/06/2021 23:28

Honestly, I think you sound like you look down on your friends and expect them to celebrate you because you see yourself and your job as superior, and they have shattered that view by not being particularly bothered, as most people aren't about others jobs.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/06/2021 23:45

Congrats on your new job, OP.

Now for the next bit. Unless you’ve been elected to some type of office I can’t see friends popping bubbly or giving gifts for your new job. Now immediate family, you betcha, I’d expect a celebration dinner or something.

I get it, it sucks when expectations aren’t really in sync with reality, but I agree with the others, I think you were just expecting too much with this group of friends.

(and for context... I’m on team Birthday acknowledgment and card, Christmas card, and general celebrations, because they are fun. I don’t , however, expect people to remember my wedding anniversary or other milestone that isn’t generally celebrated)

Sleepingdogs12 · 03/06/2021 23:53

I have now got to the point where I am slightly amused by the number of people I know who have very little interest in the lives of others. Do what everyone else does if you want them to know, talk about your self. I don't think people mean anything by it. Don 't take it to heart.

AntiWorkBrigade · 04/06/2021 00:02

Congratulations on the job - it sounds like a real achievement.

Yanbu to feel the way you are, because we can’t help how we feel, and it does sound like your friends made it sound like this would be more of a celebratory do than it turned out to be.

I do agree with others that your expectations are too high, though. The only time I remember this sort of discussion - titles, work trips - being a meaty topic among friends was when we all had our first jobs out of uni. The discussions made me feel crap because I was the only one not to be in a graduate job and I felt a failure. Almost twenty years later, and I only know one person who talks about work much, and it is both boring (because although my career did finally pick up, work is definitely not my passion) and slightly offensive because she talks as though her job is particularly fascinating. I think ‘loving’ work is akin to having a particular hobby - it’s not the default status, and detail is only going to be appreciated by those with the same keen interest.

So five minutes among friends sounds ok and normal to me. Please don’t ‘call out’ your friend.

Why not get more involved in networking or speaking at industry events? Using your business skills to be a non-exec director? These would be ways to talk about work and showcase your skills with people who are really interested. In the meantime, why not enjoy some well-deserved pats on the back by posting on LinkedIn. I bet you’d get loads of comments and likes from people who actually understand what the achievement means.

Ariela · 04/06/2021 00:17

Congratulations on the promotion. If you wanted a fuss why didn't YOU take a bottle of bubbly (the nicest Aldi one would have been fine, or something from Waitrose if you're feeling more affluent) and then they would celebrate.

Personally I never tell anyone my private business unless I'm directly asked, happy to chit chat with others about whatever they wish to chit chat about - for most people they LOVE talking about themselves, so I'm a happy listener. Sounds like you need a few friends like me though.

whiteroseredrose · 04/06/2021 01:17

Sleepingdogs12.

'I have now got to the point where I am slightly amused by the number of people I know who have very little interest in the lives of others.'

Not the lives of others, just their work. Only of interest to colleagues really.

sunshinepunch · 04/06/2021 01:44

I honestly think the less we expect/need from other people the happier we'll all be. We don't need recognition from others to feel good about our achievements. Just focus on your new job and lower expectations. Of course it's nice to chat with friends about an exciting new job, but it didn't happen, not the end of the world. Do you feel you were you a bit caught up in the competiveness?

Feel proud of yourself you've secured your new role and enjoy all that it brings. Well done!

Original poster

LipstickLou · 04/06/2021 06:14

@fourminutestosavetheworld
Thank you for the kind comments. I was warned by my bestie not to go (she won't have anything to do with this group of ladies). No one knows the full story or what has been invested in the relationships over the years. Things have been really tough for my family hence the thin skin. There has always been an undercurrent of competition and a defined pecking order. We all have sons that were at school together and that is a minefield of saying the right thing/wrong thing.

Eight weeks ago lady number two started a new job. We took small gifts (flowers, candles, cards). I had hoped for the same. I get that some people will think I am being needy, I just don't get the personal insults some women throw out on MN. Dressed up, taking fruit. The insinuation is that I was going to a Halloween party? Just unkind.

I will be away alot so I won't have to attend the lunches etc. A little bit of distance.

OP posts:

MaMaD1990 · 04/06/2021 06:41

Given your updates and how it seems to be a very competitive environment with these two ladies, putting distance between you and them is a sound idea. It's not a nice feeling treating one person and not getting the same back. Congrats on the job and I hope it all works out for you and your family.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2021 06:52

Congratulations on your new job. It sounds fantastic. They don't sound like true friends. They are trying to keep you in your place aren't they? It sounds as though you have other friends who appreciate you and a lovely family, so I would just make the most of them.

StillLMFAO · 04/06/2021 07:04

Well done on your new job!
I think you are being unreasonable. I’ve just got a new job myself. I would be grateful if someone congratulated me, but I am not expecting champagne, cards and gifts.
The fact that someone threw you a brunch is nice in itself! I would focus on that which is a positive rather than the things you wanted them to do that they didn’t do.
Also if you don’t like this group of people, life is a bit too short to waste time on it. I would just stop socialising with them, and focus on friends that you think deliver what you need.
Good luck!

fourminutestosavetheworld · 04/06/2021 07:54

"Congratulations on the promotion. If you wanted a fuss why didn't YOU take a bottle of bubbly (the nicest Aldi one would have been fine, or something from Waitrose if you're feeling more affluent) and then they would celebrate."

Because she was told not to.

OP, after reading your update, of course you were upset. Not only did this woman set you up to expect a celebration that didn't materialise, but you received less of a fuss than other friends within the group when they started new jobs.

I'm surprised at how many people on here have said that they wouldn't be able to talk about a friend's new job for more than five minutes. I'd certainly want to hear all about it, for as long as that person wanted to talk about it. Even if it was the dullest job in the world, I'd listen to support my friend. Maybe not on a day to day basis, but certainly on the day set aside to celebrate getting it.

I think you must feel proud, celebrate with those who actually care, and I hope you enjoy your fabulous new job.

yoyo1234 · 04/06/2021 10:01

Congratulations on your new job.
If they mentioned bubbly it is odd to me they did not open some.
I think their may be some jealousy I think you mention about competitive parenting- could this be linked to a slight regret on their part of choosing not to work and trying to validate their choices through their children and parenting and hearing you have done well in sticking with a career has made them question their choices ?

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