I am hurt friends didn't ask about new job.

[LipstickLou]

I have just been appointed to a new senior role after many unsuccessful interviews. I was invited to one friends this morning for brunch and the invitation included the messages 'wow we should have bubbles.' The lady is very wealthy and the DH is a wine collector. Yesterday I was told another friend was joining us which I was a bit disappointed about as together these ladies play competitive mum. I took fruit, dressed up and looked forward to having a chat around what I would be doing. If you put a gun to their heads they could not tell you what my title is, who my employer is or why I am going overseas at the end of the month. They totally ignored it. It was given less than 5 minutes attention. I am really hurt. Certainly no cards, gifts or the aforementioned bubbles although I walked past the wine rack on the way to the wc. The hostess was a great friend who I holidayed with when our twenty somethings were small. I am really hurt. Aibu?

"there"

@Yoyo1234

Always a back story to these posts I am sure. We all met 17 years ago at the school gate. I had a large family home and did a lot of hosting. These friends were frequent guests. To cut the story short I lost that house and downsized. I was the talk of the school. I was one of only two working mothers. When I had to take part time jobs to fit around care for my elderly parents I was allowed into their set. Invited for lunch etc. As my family grew I took consultancy roles in London. I still took time out to see these friends. I thought we liked each other. Before covid hit I had a fantastic job with the second biggest company in my industry. I loved the role and was disappointed to be layed off. I applied for lots of jobs with sometimes cruel results. I truly believed I would not work again at my level (I even asked for advice on MN). As the main breadwinner these ladies know the impact it has had on us. What I must conclude is they don't care. I do have some good friends but often feel lonely without my parents who lived with us, one of which died recently. As another person said, they are our champions. I just thought the lack of interest was mean. My bestie is arranging a lunch for two weeks time. No competitive mums allowed. New handbags expected! Thank you for your thoughts.

I wouldn't expect cards or gifts or any kind of a fuss really over a new job.

Although, if one of my friends was excited and wanted to talk about their new job then I'd happily listen.

I think it's odd you'd expect more than congratulations from your friends for getting a promotion

Unless a friend is winning a Nobel Prize in Chemistry for research they have worked 30 years on or a friend has been selected to go into Space or a friend has just won an Olympic gold medal or won a War, I think most people’s reactions to a friend getting a normal corporate job or senior promotion or award at work would be a hearty congratulations, a few minutes of conversation and maybe buy them a drink to say well done.

Unless the achievement was objectively extraordinary or life-changing, I think some congratulatory sentiments, a hug and maybe a bottle of Prosecco being opened would be the extent of it for most people. And if it was me, I’d be the one bringing round some middle shelf champagne to open and everyone to enjoy. I think this expectation of exotic fruit, everyone dressing up, dinner, expensive bubbles and hours of conversation about it is unrealistic.

Congrats on the job OP but I think your expectations are slightly off.

*is realistic

I'm in a very similar situation to you, OP. Was made redundant last year, had lots of unsuccessful interviews and recently secured an amazing career-high role that I had aspired to but hadn't expected to get.

I think your expectations are a bit off tbh. I had a lovely card, fizz and flowers from one friend, but nothing from my other friends or family members. Verbal congratulations, yes, but mostly fairly brief discussions about what the new role might entail and then the conversation moved on. I think that's to be expected, really - most people are not really that interested in what others do for a living, and that's fair enough.

I'm sorry that you didn't get the kind of celebration that you had been hoping for, but maybe you can do something special with your DH to celebrate? It sounds like he gets what a big deal this is for you.

Congratulation, by the way, and good luck in your new role. I totally get how exciting this is, and what a huge relief it must be after a few knock-backs.

You must live in a different world to me - I've never had anyone throw me a brunch or open a bottle for me when I've got a new job.

Thank you paralysed. Congrats. Mine is a career high too. Not everyone can be happy for you, I know that. This was more about being invited for a champagne brunch and not getting one. I could have taken a bottle but was told not to. In fact some of the conversation was bloody rude including a parting shot of '"let's hope this job works out for you.'

Maybe they didn’t love the idea of you coming round to boast about your high-powered career?

MasterBeth,

Ah but I have to suck it up re ones £1m inheritance, sons new job etc.
I didn't get a chance to boast.
I think they were mean, there I have said it.

If your friend had lost her job, home and their father recently are they not allowed one days congrats? Too much to ask?Bollocks to that.

It must depend on your friendship group, but I have never given or received a gift for a new job. With a partner I might celebrate with a nicer dinner than usual. Everyone else is just a short verbal congratulations, and chatting a little about the role.

Sounds like there are bigger issues with these friends though, from your updates.

I’m sorry to hear about the recent loss of your father. I would expect far more support from my friends over that than celebration over my new job.

@MMMarmite

I didn't even get 'so tell me about the role'. I thought as we had celebrated the other ladies success the invitation was to toast mine. As before it may not be the norm in other people's friendship groups but it is mine.

Thank you all for your congrats. I may appear to lead a charmed life but that is not the case. I have been desparate and poor and am grateful for all the comes my way. I posted on mumsnet as I have had some excellent advice on other matters.
I still find it difficult when others post abuse and irrelevant comments, why?
I was trying to help a lady on another thread this morning and I got a kicking. Social media is the original double edged sword. I am a kind person and I get not everyone is. I am off out to buy my own bubbles. Cheers!

This is all a bit

If cards and gifts for a new job is a "thing" these days... Then I'm afraid I missed the memo!

@NickD87

This is all a bit

I agree. This has all gone a bit strange.

OP congrats on the job and I mean this in the kindest way but do you think the issues you have regarding your friendship group and your/their perception of yourself extends much deeper than this incident? It sounds like there’s lots of historic friendship/insecurity issues at play here.

Given what you said about the difference between how they treat you, and how they treat others in the friendship group, then I think the unfairness is the problem. They're not treating you equally, and perhaps even deliberately excluding you. I would let those friendships drop, and invest in others who bring you happiness.

@Morgoth

Have you read Queen Bee by Jane Fallon? Well this is what we are dealing with here.
I think that the inequality has been going on for some time. Historic? yes, 2 years. I feel insecure because that is what they have made me feel like. Fecking playground stuff.
And yes I can do my new job because I always have and no one ever tries to make me feel inferior.

@MMMarmite I am going to let the friendships drop.

Op it’s weird that you expect fizz and handbags from these ladies but don’t appear to like them, think they are competitive and think they are jealous of you.
Also the whole ‘bestie’ taking you out and ‘new handbags expected’ just sounds really weird and childish tbh. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time and I wonder if you’re ok as your judgment and expectations seem way off.

In that case, you should let these friendships go if they do things to that constantly make you feel unhappy or disrespected. The celebration event that is the subject of this thread is a red herring and irrelevant if they have made you feel unhappy for a long time now.

@Grapewrath

I am OK but have been vulnerable. I don't expect them to buy me handbags! just a bloody glass of prosecco as promised.

The host was my closest friend at one time.

Seems like the friendships are quite uneven.
If they can hurt you this much because they don't seem bothered by your news, when it means an awful lot to you, then I would also get some distance.
A dear friend of mine has been involved in the rollout of the vaccine programme, it's been a tough time as well as a career high for her so we will be celebrating with bubbles when we meet.

I understand your disappointment but the comment about bubbles was probably fleeting and forgotten once the conversation started flowing etc. Your job is obviously going to be more important to you than them if that makes sense. I think your reaction is ott