Overweight 9yr old

[Jmjonesuk]

Hi. I'm a single dad who has just ended a nearly 4year custody battle with my ex. Now we finally have much longer overnight stays I have noticed my daughter constantly asks for snacks even just 20 minutes after breakfast/lunch. Ive also noticed all her clothes are too small for her and are tight fitting. I measured her height and weight and she is over 2 stone overweight for a 9yr old. I am at a loss as to how I deal with this with her very bitter and angry ex without her stopping all contact and me being forced to bring it back to court. I have bought her all new clothes that fit and am refusing to give into her demands for snacks and I also make sure she gets lots of exercise during each contact. I can not speak directly to my ex and only communicate via the family wizard app. I desperately do not want my daughter to have weight issues which my ex and her family all have had but I also do not want to lose any contact

@Jmjonesuk this guide is evidence based and includes meal plans and photos of the appropriate portion sizes for children aged 5-11 years.

cwt.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/CHEW-5-11Years-PracticalGuide.pdf

It does include snacks, as part of an overall balanced meal plan for the day.

I agree with previous posters that if she is being fed with sweets and and constant snacks at her mums, it will be very hard to go completely cold turkey on snacks when she is with you. Better to offer her healthy snack options like fruit, veg sticks with hummus or other healthy dip, nuts

Two stone overweight at 9 years old is ridiculous and not sure it should be minimised. Everyone angsting over her discovering she's 'fat' and developing issues are deluding themselves as she has probably already been told that at school. This will be so much worse at secondary school. At 9 everything she eats is given to her by an adult and so far they have failed her.

Forgot to add suggestions. Sign her up for activities you can do together, family martial arts, swimming, climbing, cycling and try and keep things fun. Don't get involved with anything going on in the ex's house or family. Don't have any junk food in your home and model healthy eating (not a diet, just good food with age appropriate portions). Good luck OP

Everyone angsting over her discovering she's 'fat' and developing issues are deluding themselves as she has probably already been told that at school. This will be so much worse at secondary school.

I don't think anyone imagines for one moment that this little girl doesn't realise that she's overweight. Of course she knows it. It's whether she should feel anything negative coming from her father about it. A nine year old isn't able for the "eat lettuce and get on the stairmaster, piggy" approach, especially from a parent.

This is a difficult situation OP. You can’t control the habits and food she will be eating when with her mum. The advice others have given to focus on active hobbies and her general well-being during her time with you is the best thing you can do.

This is a very sensitive age, and pushing too hard could mean you actually end up creating even worse habits and thinking around food for her that will follow her into adulthood and be very hard to shake. She needs to know that SHE is important to you no matter what, not her weight or appearance. Do not mention her weight or let on that you are trying to encourage healthy habits. I would recommend reading this book, which is about body positivity for kids and how language and the words we choose to use when talking about food is hugely important: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1785043587/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_16FXNSFVTCWAE1D8NCKA?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@PleasantBirthday

Everyone angsting over her discovering she's 'fat' and developing issues are deluding themselves as she has probably already been told that at school. This will be so much worse at secondary school.

I don't think anyone imagines for one moment that this little girl doesn't realise that she's overweight. Of course she knows it. It's whether she should feel anything negative coming from her father about it. A nine year old isn't able for the "eat lettuce and get on the stairmaster, piggy" approach, especially from a parent.

Where do you get the impression the OP speaks to his 9 year old daughter like this? I see a parent trying to help his child and take the fact he loves her for granted. Really bizarre how seemingly the only person in her life currently trying to help her is being berated for it.

I'm not trying to berate him, I'm saying that the child knows she's fat but tough love is not the approach for a 9 year old, contrary to what some people seem to think. I was possibly indulging in a bit of hyperbole.

I imagine OP got booted of the site for calling people morons as he's not been on to comment since.

Where do you get the impression the OP speaks to his 9 year old daughter like this? I see a parent trying to help his child and take the fact he loves her for granted. Really bizarre how seemingly the only person in her life currently trying to help her is being berated for it

I got he impression he was actually quite a controlling angry man. Its all there just go back and read it.

@steakandcheeseplease

I imagine OP got booted of the site for calling people morons as he's not been on to comment since.

Where do you get the impression the OP speaks to his 9 year old daughter like this? I see a parent trying to help his child and take the fact he loves her for granted. Really bizarre how seemingly the only person in her life currently trying to help her is being berated for it

I got he impression he was actually quite a controlling angry man. Its all there just go back and read it.

I got he impression he was actually quite a controlling angry man.

Same

@steakandcheeseplease

There is so much more the OP could be focusing on right now but instead he is focusing on his 9 year olds belly over hang and preparing for another war with her over weight mother and her over weight family. Nice. Pity he didn't think about that when he was climbing in to bed with her.

He should be looking for ways to make sure his dd is settled in her new circumstances.

He should be looking for ways to rebuild his relationship and earn her trust as I've no doubt she is fully aware of the court battles.

He should be finding out what his child needs from him emotionally.

He should be making sure that is daughter is actually OK and how she feels about this all.

The kick back to the suggestion of fruit is ridged. No child ever got fat by eating too much fruit.

This man wants to put his 9 year old on a strict diet and start a new war with his ex the moment this court case was over. He just isn't done fighting yet.

The WORST place to come is on MN for diet advice as you literally have people living of half a piece of celery and two carrot sticks all day. A banana is a much better filler than a packet pf crisps as even if they have the same amount of calories the nutritional value is completely different - plus its more bloody filling.

OP if your still reading - the only person that will be damaged in this continual war you want to keep burning is your dd. You can't control what other her mother feeds her. Please do not fuck your dds self esteem up by letting her know you think she is fat. Get some REAL pediatrician diet advice that her you AND her mother can look at as a way forward.

Excellent post. This is all so true.

OP, you might write me off as an “idiotic” poster but my first thought on reading your posts was that...you say you care about your daughter and I’m sure you do, and you frame your concern with her weight as a health concern, and I’m sure it is....

But you don’t talk about it like you have any understanding or want to have any understanding of a girl (on the cusp of puberty) going through a hard time. You speak so casually of a “custody battle” which makes me think like PP you are focused on conflict with your ex. How do you think this “battle” felt to your daughter? Like a battle, or like a war she didn’t understand and didn’t choose raging on around her between the people she loves and should trust the most?

It makes me so sad for your daughter, the idea that she will feel “daddy is denying me food because I am fat and this is shameful”. Agree with PP that you should model the behaviour you want to see by eating well and exercising moderately when she is with you. Don’t say “you’re not allowed snacks you eat enough”. Say “we have had our lunch at 1 and it’s only 2 now. At 3.30 we can have a snack of fruit and cheese to tide us over until dinner. Would you like a big glass of cold water in case you think you are hungry but you’re actually thirsty”?

I don’t think the OP is coming back

You you speak to school nurse for advice. They can raise with mum in a more constructive way than you could.