Overweight 9yr old

[Jmjonesuk]

Hi. I'm a single dad who has just ended a nearly 4year custody battle with my ex. Now we finally have much longer overnight stays I have noticed my daughter constantly asks for snacks even just 20 minutes after breakfast/lunch. Ive also noticed all her clothes are too small for her and are tight fitting. I measured her height and weight and she is over 2 stone overweight for a 9yr old. I am at a loss as to how I deal with this with her very bitter and angry ex without her stopping all contact and me being forced to bring it back to court. I have bought her all new clothes that fit and am refusing to give into her demands for snacks and I also make sure she gets lots of exercise during each contact. I can not speak directly to my ex and only communicate via the family wizard app. I desperately do not want my daughter to have weight issues which my ex and her family all have had but I also do not want to lose any contact

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I don't see that a GP visit will do anything other than alienate her mum and shame op's dd. Unless medical reasons are suspected, it is a case of eating less/better and moving more. What would a gp do other than signpost to information about nutrition?

Being overweight is a health issue. GPs are their for health issues, they also sign post to other HCPs that can help. Dealing with weight issues is part of preventative medicine, preventing this child’s long term health suffering is important.

And I suspect OP could do with professional advice on nutrition and weight (after reading the remarks about fruit).

I agree with Wombatstew for a sensible approach.

The only advice I would add is not to make too big a deal of it. Focussing too much on food makes it into a battle and that will create resistance from your daughter.

I have the opposite problem with my DS (just had to have a period of his ADHD meds because his weight had dropped so much). Most of our success in getting him back into the healthy range was by me adding stuff to his diet and swaps by stealth. Perhaps you could do the same in reverse, using lower calorie ingredients to make the same dishes so as not to make it too obvious?

Speaking as a woman who's had issues with her weight all her life, I would much rather someone had started me on a healthier path earlier instead of being in my 30s when I finally managed to get a hold on it by myself.

Whatever action you take, always make sure you're coming from a place of love for your daughter and not animosity for her mother (hard as it may be)

Being overweight is just as bad and as damaging as being underweight. I feel if this little girl was severely underweight and restricting her food, comments would be very different. Eating disorders work both ways.

Please do seek advice from your GP. Perhaps discuss your concerns without your daughter first. You could then begin a conversation with your ex on the basis of recommendations from health professionals, rather than personal opinions. Until then, continue to provide your daughter with healthy food, exercise and the occasional treat.

What is her height and her weight?

Your daughter is obviously built like her Mum and Grandma. Offer healthy snacks and meals and encourage her to be active when she is with you, tell her she is a big strong beautiful girl and build her confidence. It is absolutely ok to say no snacks, you have just had lunch, have an apple if you are hungry or a drink of milk. It's not ok to shame or limit her. Make sure that your approval of her is never weight-dependent. Encourage her to take up sports like swimming where being the big girl in the class is not an issue.

You could (when you are on good enough terms with your ex) acknowledge that she herself has struggled with her weight all her life, and ask for her advice and thoughts about how you can both help your daughter not to have the same issues as she grows up.

You need to be careful what you say to your ex. You can't say you don't want your daughter to be fat like her and her mother!

Your daughter is obviously built like her Mum and Grandma.

I don't think statements like this are helpful. No one is built overweight.

Could you ask school to raise it with mum if it’s an obvious issue?

Would you pay for her school lunches instead of a lunchbox if mum isn’t making healthy ones?

Can you have a snack jar at home of acceptable snacks and she can choose her 3 snacks for the day?

hmm it's a difficult one to address the weight of a young lady as you want them to be healthy but you dont want to tarnish their relationship with food either. Crudite batons are always a good option, or cup-a-soups? this could be a good opportunity for you to become the fun dad and take her swimming and cycling be really active with her. sometimes children eat out of boredom? maybe she just needs a lot of distracting!

Op you’ve not come back on my direct question on how much time you have with your daughter so without that I’ll give you the options as I see it.
EOW type access - forget any explicit food related interventions. You are unlikely to change your daughter’s habits in only two days per fortnight and she might very quickly grow to rebel against your ‘regime’. All food ‘control’ should be very discrete. And very very gentle steps.
I recommend you focus on finding fun sport activities that your daughter looks forward to.
50:50 or more - when the rhythm is established and your daughter clearly considers being at yours her home too then you can gently steer her towards healthier choices. (As well as finding fun activities for her to enjoy)
Things won’t move as quickly as you would hope and do you need to seriously relax your expectations. Eg Fruit contains vitamins!
And you have no sway over what happens at mums so drop that fight.
(I am a step mum. My partner’s daughter is with us 50% and he (we) disagree fundamentally with many of her mum’s parenting methods and have 7 years of experience of working out ways to navigate the choppy waters)

Your daughter is obviously built like her Mum and Grandma.

Well yes because grandma ate too much and became fat so she over fed her daughter who became fat, who had a daughter that she made fat because she didn't know how to manage portions and food types.

It's brilliant you have recognised this. Making a child overweight us neglectful and abusive.

Healthy snacks (fruit is not just sugar, it's a different sort of sugar and has more vitamins that do good than sugar doing bad as long as you are sensible in portions). Check out the change for life site.

Get her moving. Children don't move enough. Ignore people who tell you her weight is fine or she is "stocky". Stocky kids are fat kids. If you think a child is "skinny" it's probably the right size. They should be slight not solid.

If you limited contact then I'd offer her unlimited fruit as snacks. You could offer to pay and take her to couple of afterschool activities- dancing, gymnastics, swimming, bmx track, girls football

Mm

Fruit is not a ‘different sort of sugar’ - why do people think this still?

Yes fruit has nutrients that obviously other sources of sugar don’t have but it’s exactly the same abs had exactly the same effect on blood sugar and the calories end up with the same impact.

the calories end up with the same impact

What?! But fruit is lower in calories than other more refined sugary foods. Are you one of those MNetters who pearl clutch at the though of fruit as a snack?

@Merryoldgoat

Fruit is not a ‘different sort of sugar’ - why do people think this still?

Yes fruit has nutrients that obviously other sources of sugar don’t have but it’s exactly the same abs had exactly the same effect on blood sugar and the calories end up with the same impact.

Cos of glucose, fructose and sucrose?

As someone married to DH who has T1 diabetes, I can assure you all sugars are NOT the same.

@FreezeMotherHubbard

Sucrose is a combination of glucose and fructose. Fruits have a combination of glucose and fructose (different ratios depending on the fruit).

Whilst fructose doesn’t cause the same insulin response too much will end up being converted to fat by the liver.

The bottom line is excessive sugar is not good for you whether that’s from chocolate or fruit.

[quote Merryoldgoat]@FreezeMotherHubbard

Sucrose is a combination of glucose and fructose. Fruits have a combination of glucose and fructose (different ratios depending on the fruit).

Whilst fructose doesn’t cause the same insulin response too much will end up being converted to fat by the liver.

The bottom line is excessive sugar is not good for you whether that’s from chocolate or fruit.[/quote]
That's not what you said though is it?

You've just literally proved yourself wrong with that second sentence.

Your third sentence is correct but irrelevant to the point you were making.

Yes ok, I was rushing and wasn’t coherent. Apologies.

I’m just sick of the ‘fruit sugar won’t make you fat’ nonsense.

I’ll be clearer when strident in the future.

My just turned 14 year old wears mens extra large hoodies but was threatened with a feeding tube recently ashe is so skinny. But he's over 6 foot tall. Is she just generally big for her age? My 11 month old nephew is the same weight as a 15 month old they said on paper he is overweight but he's not as he measures a 15 year old in height.

Is she just generally big for her age?

She has moobs, that’s a sign of being over weight

I vividly remember my dad telling me that I was "the size of a bus" when I was around that age. It hasn't helped my weight or my relationship with him.

My 9yo has a bit extra weight but obviously entering puberty and has developing breasts and hips and is also one of the tallest in her year despite having a July birthday.

I strongly believe that weight gain is linked in many girls and women (and probably boys too) to emotional eating. Food is a comfort, a treat, a reward and as presumably she's experienced parental divorce at such a sensitive age I expect snacks and treats have been offered and accepted to make her feel better. The best thing you can do is to build her up. Make her feel loved and accepted, help her feel confident. The worst thing you can do is start a battle with her mother over this or overly attack her mothers side of the family. She will retreat to comfort food to make herself feel better.

If you've never experienced this yourself it probably doesn't make sense and the people who see food as fuel and can easily restrict it will find it hard to comprehend but its true in so many cases.