Page 3 | Overweight 9yr old

Jmjonesuk · 2021-06-03T08:09:52+00:00

Hi. I'm a single dad who has just ended a nearly 4year custody battle with my ex. Now we finally have much longer overnight stays I have noticed my daughter constantly asks for snacks even just 20 minutes after breakfast/lunch. Ive also noticed all her clothes are too small for her and are tight fitting. I measured her height and weight and she is over 2 stone overweight for a 9yr old. I am at a loss as to how I deal with this with her very bitter and angry ex without her stopping all contact and me being forced to bring it back to court. I have bought her all new clothes that fit and am refusing to give into her demands for snacks and I also make sure she gets lots of exercise during each contact. I can not speak directly to my ex and only communicate via the family wizard app. I desperately do not want my daughter to have weight issues which my ex and her family all have had but I also do not want to lose any contact

BarbarianMum · 03/06/2021 10:51

@PleasantBirthday true but I dont think most parents would be happy at their child being fed so badly that they ended up visibly overweight. It's a really nasty thing to do to a child.

LockedFarAway · 03/06/2021 10:53

@Geppili

She is self soothing with food.

100% this.

PleasantBirthday · 03/06/2021 10:55

It's a really nasty thing to do to a child.

"Nasty" isn't the word I'd use (because I would doubt they set out to harm the child or are actively trying to make her unhappy) but it's definitely not proper parenting. I wouldn't suggest for a moment that it is. Not for a moment.

However, in dealing with an issue like this, I think people need to put their personal feelings about exes or fatness or whatever aside and concentrate on helping the little girl feel secure, cared for, accepted and an individual who isn't just a carbon copy of someone else's errors.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/06/2021 10:56

If you say 'lets have a banana, not a packet of crisps' she might actually get in the habit of wanting a banana.

I'm always amazed when people say this stuff. A banana has the same amount of calories as a multipack bag of crisps! A small apple or some carrot sticks/salad are more suitable.

zoemum2006 · 03/06/2021 10:59

If she has been through a 4 year bitter custody battle she has probably suffered some trauma (I can feel your anger towards her mum from here).

As someone who comfort eats (but manages to usually control it) I think the most important thing is to work on developing a really good, loving, supportive relationship with her. As her self esteem improves so will her weight issues.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/06/2021 11:02

concentrate on helping the little girl feel secure

Why are we assuming she doesnt feel secure? I visited friends last weekend and both their young children are visibly overweight. They live in a happy caring home but mum and dad arent great on healthy food etc. Equally, lots of children of separated parents are slim and healthy. You can't blame other issues all the time. Children get fat because they eat too much, regardless of why or how, to resolve it they need to eat less calories. Some children will be perfectly happy and secure but simply will eat too much anyway if its made available, they need parents to help regulate their intake. The healthiest and simplest way to make this child feel confident and happy with her weight is for her to be a healthy weight!

shivawn · 03/06/2021 11:03

I think having a judgmental parent will do more harm to a child than being a bit overweight.

She's not a bit overweight though, she's 2 stone overweight with an overhanging belly and at only 9 years old! Obese children have such a high likelyhood of becoming obese adults. The future health implications are not something that any good parent could overlook. I agree though that it needs to be tackled very carefully and tactfully. Will be very difficult to do when the parents can't work together.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2021 11:04

How tall is she @Jmjonesuk?

Arguing with your ex so she stops contact isn't going to help anyone. Just model decent healthy eating and exercise when she's with you so there's some balance and another perspective on her life but you still need to make sure she's eating enough and isn't hungry else she's more likely to binge around seeing you

Is there an activity she likes you could offer to pay and take her to?

Original poster

Jmjonesuk · 03/06/2021 11:04

and then comes the idiotic responses.. I'm not furious, bitter or angry and nor am I restricting my daughters food.. I just don't want her to become part of the obesity crisis that so many parents are allowing their kids to become part of and not doing anything about until it's too late. No kid wants to grow up through school overweight with all the Micky taking and bullying that will certainly entail. My tone depicts the very serious subject I am seeking views on..I think the self soothing might be very real

OP posts:

PleasantBirthday · 03/06/2021 11:04

Why are we assuming she doesnt feel secure?

Because it sounds like the last four years - nearly half her life - have been marked by a contentious and acrimonious relationship between her parents and that there is still a lot of anger, bitterness and resentment there.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/06/2021 11:07

As her self esteem improves so will her weight issues

They might not. I know lots of happy secure confident people who are unhealthily overweight (I have been myself, briefly, at one stage). The child's father has a responsibility to consider her physical health, she is 9 years old. We are letting too many children in this country get very fat because we live in fear of upsetting them, I worry about our future health

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/06/2021 11:12

Why are we assuming she doesnt feel secure?

Because it sounds like the last four years - nearly half her life - have been marked by a contentious and acrimonious relationship between her parents and that there is still a lot of anger, bitterness and resentment there.

That doesnt make it ok to leave a 9 year old child unhealthily overweight. Two thirds of children in the highest BMI quartile transition into the highest BMI quartile as young adults. It's not a cosmetic issue, it's really important for long term health for children to be a healthy weight

steakandcheeseplease · 03/06/2021 11:13

There is so much more the OP could be focusing on right now but instead he is focusing on his 9 year olds belly over hang and preparing for another war with her over weight mother and her over weight family. Nice. Pity he didn't think about that when he was climbing in to bed with her.

He should be looking for ways to make sure his dd is settled in her new circumstances.

He should be looking for ways to rebuild his relationship and earn her trust as I've no doubt she is fully aware of the court battles.

He should be finding out what his child needs from him emotionally.

He should be making sure that is daughter is actually OK and how she feels about this all.

The kick back to the suggestion of fruit is ridged. No child ever got fat by eating too much fruit.

This man wants to put his 9 year old on a strict diet and start a new war with his ex the moment this court case was over. He just isn't done fighting yet.

The WORST place to come is on MN for diet advice as you literally have people living of half a piece of celery and two carrot sticks all day. A banana is a much better filler than a packet pf crisps as even if they have the same amount of calories the nutritional value is completely different - plus its more bloody filling.

OP if your still reading - the only person that will be damaged in this continual war you want to keep burning is your dd. You can't control what other her mother feeds her. Please do not fuck your dds self esteem up by letting her know you think she is fat. Get some REAL pediatrician diet advice that her you AND her mother can look at as a way forward.

moynomore · 03/06/2021 11:13

I'm sorry, but some of these posts are ridiculous. A 9 year old who is two stone overweight is an outright emergency. It needs to be dealt with and not denied. I would be vindictive too if my ex had let such a situation develop and not want to do anything about it. This child will be doomed to a life of being overweight and unwell. These parents need to come together with a plan and he should absolute discuss it with the mother.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/06/2021 11:14

I think having a judgmental parent will do more harm to a child than being a bit overweight.

I think you are underestimating the long term health harm of a 9 year old carrying two stone of extra weight and having a big overhanging belly.

Notcrackersyet · 03/06/2021 11:16

OP what is the split of nights of your daughter between you and her mum?

PleasantBirthday · 03/06/2021 11:16

That doesnt make it ok to leave a 9 year old child unhealthily overweight.

I'm not sure who thinks that it does? The question was why do people assume that she doesn't feel secure? The answer is that that people are making this assumption because she has had an insecure couple of years.

Just to clarify, the point is that this is a situation that bears careful and sensitive handling, not a situation that bears no handling.

Bibidy · 03/06/2021 11:16

People are being really harsh on OP here. He is just trying to find a way to help his daughter lose weight! That she does need to lose.

moynomore · 03/06/2021 11:18

I think having a judgmental parent will do more harm to a child than being a bit overweight.

He's not judging his daughter, he's worried! And rightly so as she is not just a "bit" overweight. It is not his daughter's fault, so there is nothing to judge. He needs to help her now with acute action and not hope it goes away. Nothing will change unless something changes.

If this child was engaging in any other unhealthy activity (like drinking or smoking - although she is far to young for that) everyone would insist something be done and that the mum needs a stern talking to to get on board.

PetuniaPot · 03/06/2021 11:21

Model the other way. Be active together. Eat real food together. Talk positively about nutritious food. But just don't be critical in word or deed: Draineddraineddrained post shows the wrong way to go.

I can't see arguing getting anywhere. Attacking her other family will cause anguish to her. Couldn't building bridges now be an option?

PetuniaPot · 03/06/2021 11:22

You will catch more flies with honey, etc.

Soontobe60 · 03/06/2021 11:24

@Jmjonesuk

For me fruit equals sugar which she has way to much of. I am not just looking at her BMI but she is visibly overweight with a large overhanging belly. I hear what you are saying about not mentioning her weight as this might give her a weight issue as she gets older but she already has a weight issue and it needs to be addressed by not only me but also my ex and my ex's family who I know over feed her and spoil her giving into all her demands. I feel like writing to the ex and just coming directly to the point about her and her family letting my daughters weight get out of control and risk the consequences of her stopping contact for the sake of my daughters health and mental health as she gets older.

Would you rather have contact with a happy, overweight daughter, or not have any contact at all?

Focus on what you do with her when she’s with you, some of your good habits will rub off on her. I do agree with you about too much fruit; it’s full of sugar and not ideal in excess. Just stick to the 5 portions a day.
www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/childrens-health/how-many-calories-does-a-child-of-7-10-need/

Caffeinatedmonstergirl · 03/06/2021 11:27

@steakandcheeseplease