Overweight 9yr old

[Jmjonesuk]

Hi. I'm a single dad who has just ended a nearly 4year custody battle with my ex. Now we finally have much longer overnight stays I have noticed my daughter constantly asks for snacks even just 20 minutes after breakfast/lunch. Ive also noticed all her clothes are too small for her and are tight fitting. I measured her height and weight and she is over 2 stone overweight for a 9yr old. I am at a loss as to how I deal with this with her very bitter and angry ex without her stopping all contact and me being forced to bring it back to court. I have bought her all new clothes that fit and am refusing to give into her demands for snacks and I also make sure she gets lots of exercise during each contact. I can not speak directly to my ex and only communicate via the family wizard app. I desperately do not want my daughter to have weight issues which my ex and her family all have had but I also do not want to lose any contact

I’m honestly not sure how helpful ‘not mentioning’ is.

I’m no expert but I’m an adult who is obese and my weight problem started at about 9 when my family life had a major change and I started comfort eating.

It was never really addressed and no one mentioned it to me and I just kept eating.

Then people got angry about my weight and I ate secretly.

I think that if I’d been spoken to gently and had better boundaries AND my unhappiness addressed it might’ve been fixable.

Hi op. I think it's good that you've noticed your dd's weight issues and want to tackle it.

I am not going to second-guess anything you have said and just take your comments and motives at face value.

However, I agree with pp who have cautioned against making your views on her weight evident - either through direct comments or restricting food - as any shame or embarrassment will result in lower self-esteem and more desire to comfort eat.

If she has not had much contact with you for four years, you do not want to create a situation where she doesn't want to see you.

Concentrate on showering her with love, doing fun and active things together, involving her with food preparation and cooking, and only having healthy meal and snack options available.

Helping her to feel really good about herself and her relationship with you, providing good food and activities when she's with you is all you can do.

Her mother will already know that her dd is overweight. Either she doesn't care, doesn't see it as an issue or lacks the skills to tackle it. Pointing it out will change nothing and serve no purpose, except give her ammunition to use against you.

Oh I've just seen your last post. That's really not the way to ask for support or respond to people you disagree with.

@Jmjonesuk

To all the negative morons posting on this thread do please get a life

I'm beginning to think this post is a wind up. This is a really aggressive response to women who are trying to explain to you that eating can be very emotional/ psychological (especially for women).

@Jmjonesuk

To all the negative morons posting on this thread do please get a life

Yeah - your exactly who I thought you were. We see you.

My mum was constantly on at me about my weight from around this age, I developed a real shame about it and hid my food or stockpiled food in my room. It's been an issue for years now.

Lead by example and get her into sports/be active - don't mention her eating as a negative but set boundaries. Don't not give her fruit or ask her to drink a large glass of water first.

Well done on getting some custody back.

[quote zoemum2006]@Jmjonesuk

To all the negative morons posting on this thread do please get a life

I'm beginning to think this post is a wind up. This is a really aggressive response to women who are trying to explain to you that eating can be very emotional/ psychological (especially for women).[/quote]
No its not a wind up. This is the real deal in all its glory.

I feel sorry for the little girl involved in this

2 stone is quite a lot overweight but also need to take into account her height.

Over the last year my also 9 year old DS gradually put on weight. When the swimming carnival came around there was a photo of all the boys with their shirts off and it was plainly obvious he was much bigger than the other boys and he noticed it from the photo and said he needed to use weight.

I made a list of healthy snacks that he can ask for - fruit, veggies, tinned fish, etc and cut down in his portion sizes (which he never even noticed) he is still allowed unhealthy snacks but they are limited. He says he is never hungry but he has lost the weight in just a few months. We also upped his exercise.

I see lots of ppl have advised never to mention her weight but it was really obvious to my son he was bigger than his peers. I have just said that he had been having a few many treats and not enough exercise and that we all needed to cut back. I hope I haven’t set him up for an eating disorder.

@steakandcheeseplease

"Yeah - your exactly who I thought you were. We see you."

Agreed...

OP whether you like it or not you need to take on board the advice given. Yes of course you want your daughter to be at a healthy weight. Yes this is causing you anxiety and your natural reaction is to steam in and fix it. However you can't do this by simply exerting total control over her diet, even if you lived with her 7 days a week. She needs to get used to a healthy diet and learn to self moderate. Almost everyone I know who had restricted food as a chil has had life long struggles with weight (usualy in the long term leading to overeating but also people who struggle with undereating disorders).

Fruit is an important part of her diet and berries and apples are very filling for low calorie foods and won't lead to weight gain. Likewise exrcise is great but it's much better to incorperate it as part of a fun, healthy lifestyle. Find a sport she likes, go for a walk because it's a relaxing way to get around. If the focus is on losing weight it'll become a chore and she'll avoid it whenever possible.

Remember in 3 year she'll be at secondary school, buying her own lunch and snacks. She needs to develop a healthy attitude towards food. Having one household where junk food is encouraged and one were food is totally restrictive is the worst of both worlds.

I am not just looking at her BMI but she is visibly overweight with a large overhanging belly

Oof. That’s not good. 2st at nine years old is a lot.

I think you should make an appointment with the GP along with DD, go in first without her so you can speak candidly. And enquire about a dietician or any services that can help. I think you’re more likely for your ex to take this on board with the help of processionals rather than it just coming from you.

You’re right to want to address this enthusiastically, it’s a sensitive subject but children who are over fed to the point of being very overweight or obese start out adult life on hard mode and susceptible to more health problems. It’s just not fair on her.

Has she got any hobbies? Does she play outside much?

I would focus on moving more rather than restricting her diet. Obviously encourage healthy choices but maybe you could teach her to cook? It would be nice daddy and daughter time too.

I don't see that a GP visit will do anything other than alienate her mum and shame op's dd. Unless medical reasons are suspected, it is a case of eating less/better and moving more. What would a gp do other than signpost to information about nutrition?

This has escalated badly! I think OP was, originally, genuinely asking for help and advice. I think he is also furious at his ex for allowing his DD to become obese. That is obviously tied up in what has clearly been a bitter battle. OP has probably lost perspective slightly. I agree with the PP that said if this was the other way around and a dad had let their child get very overweight the tone of responses would be different. I also agree OP has not responded well to criticism here.

However, this is serious. 2 stones is far too much extra weight. It is a great shame if there is no way the parents of this little girl, who both care about her very much, can't find a way to work together help her be healthy. Situations are going to come up over the coming years where you need to find a way to work together for the benefit of your child. I hope you can find a way to do this.

Regardless, the advice you've had about healthy food and being active seems like the most sensible approach. Don't make food a huge issue - just have healthy food (including fruit, even bananas!) available and allow the odd treat, don't 'do exercise' but build activity in to your every day life etc.

Good luck OP - I hope you can find a way to feel less bitter about what's happened and find a way to help your daughter to become a happy healthy young woman.

@Jmjonesuk

Great comments and much appreciated advice. Of course the very last thing I want is my DD to develop any long term weight issues but the issue is there now already. She is being overfed simple as that without hardly any exercise and it needs to be addressed now and not pussy footed around. The damage is already being done. She is surrounded by over weight woman who have had weight issue all their lives so is very much being exposed to the whole issue daily.

You really need to forget out your ex and her family here. You have rightly no control over your ex.

You need to focus on your daughter and her time when she is at your house.
Focus on providing health food and lots of snacking options that are healthy. Make sure to include the odd nice treat. Feeling deprived is not going to help.
Then start focussing on activities you can do together.

You haven't said what activities you do with her.

She is 9. She knows she's fat. She can see herself and her clothes relative to her friends. She has just been through hell of a custody battle.
Is your biggest concern really that she is fat? Surely you should be more concerned about rebuilding your relationship with her and rebonding with her and not making her feel crap about her body. She probably already does that herself. She doesn't need you amping up in her head how much of a problem her body is.

Even at 9 - no girl needs someone to tell them they are fat.

As for the fruit, strawberries are low calorie. Avoid a lot of bananas, dried fruit and a lot of grapes as they can easily add up calorie and sugar wise.

I monitor everything I eat as I’m losing weight.

High protein snacks/foods keep you fuller for longer. I’m a vegetarian so quorn, tofu, boiled eggs and lentils keep me full. For non vegetarians I’m guessing lean chicken and fish (non battered or breadcrumbed) would be the best route for protein.

Go to walks together, play games that involve running, jumping and fun. Play floor is lava at home if it’s raining outside.

Go for*

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I don't see that a GP visit will do anything other than alienate her mum and shame op's dd. Unless medical reasons are suspected, it is a case of eating less/better and moving more. What would a gp do other than signpost to information about nutrition?

I suggested real paediatric diet advice as you've got a parent posting that believes fruit makes you fat. Then calls people morons for giving advice. What kind of controlled diet is man thinking of putting his 9 year old dd on?

He begins with that he is only allowed to contact the mother through the Our Family Wizard App , which I believe is moderated. He now however wants to write to his ex and to tell her that she and her fat family have made his dd fat even though he knows he isn't allowed to. Why doesn't he put it on the App?

@Jmjonesuk
Can you give people any real information so that people can help you.

What are you feeding your daughter and what exercise are you doing with her?

@Ozanj

If she’s 9 she might be going through puberty and so a child’s bmi may not be appropriate; and removing fat from her diet could be the worst thing you can do (girls need fat during this period to build hormones). What does she look like? Does she actually look overweight or are you basing this purely on BMI?

The NHS children's BMI calculator will still be appropriate. Adult BMI calculators won't though.

If she's asking for food shortly after a meal she's probably bored or not being fed a filling meal in the first place.

If it's the latter, make sure she is getting something with plenty of protein and healthy fat, rather than cereals etc.

Fruit isn't the enemy; there are plenty of low sugar fruits, berries; watermelon, grapefruit.

When mine say they want a snack I usually just say - apple or orange? If they are truly hungry they pick one and if they don't then I expect they just fancied a nice tasting snack rather than genuine hunger.

It is hard and I fully empathise with you, especially as you share custody and have no say in what happens at mum's house, but really this is just an early start to things to come. As she gets older she will be making more abs more decisions about what she eats so teaching her healthy habits now would be great.

Tbh @jmjonesuk if you're questioning the ability of the primary care giver to care for her adequately, you need to look at your custody arrangement. How often do you see her?