Overweight 9yr old

[Jmjonesuk]

Hi. I'm a single dad who has just ended a nearly 4year custody battle with my ex. Now we finally have much longer overnight stays I have noticed my daughter constantly asks for snacks even just 20 minutes after breakfast/lunch. Ive also noticed all her clothes are too small for her and are tight fitting. I measured her height and weight and she is over 2 stone overweight for a 9yr old. I am at a loss as to how I deal with this with her very bitter and angry ex without her stopping all contact and me being forced to bring it back to court. I have bought her all new clothes that fit and am refusing to give into her demands for snacks and I also make sure she gets lots of exercise during each contact. I can not speak directly to my ex and only communicate via the family wizard app. I desperately do not want my daughter to have weight issues which my ex and her family all have had but I also do not want to lose any contact

Nobody got fat eating fruit.

My advice would be to concentrate on not gaining weight rather than weight loss. If your DD stays the same weight and grows taller she will not be overweight in a few years.

My DS was the same, though it wasn’t due to snacking on rubbish, but he was a good 2 stone overweight at 9, and he just seemed to get bigger and bigger. However this has changed lately, he has been wearing the same school trousers for 2 years now, I’ve just had to take down the hems I had to sew. He hasn’t gained any weight from the age of 11 - 13 but is quite a few inches taller so looks so much slimmer. He’s gone from being obese to slightly overweight in 2 years. I used to be very worried about it but it seems to be righting itself (which my Dad said would happen, as he and his brothers were all the same, my Dad was apparently the same weight at 10 as he was when he was 18!).

People on here will try and find any way to suggest your child isnt overweight and will suggest keeping giving snacks etc.

1. we have an obesity crisis in children. If your child looks overweight it's likely she is. It's less likely to be that she is "unusually muscled", exceptionally tall for age etc.

2. overweight children tend to attain height faster too, so the old "heavy but tall" analysis slips up here. These children tend to then hit puberty earlier, stop growing, and are in fact no taller than their peers but are overweight.

3. children do not need lots of snacks at age 9 and actually if you do give them, they don't need to be high protein etc, proteins can be quite calorific. Be careful with "healthy" snacks like hummus, nuts, avocado, yoghurt, cheese, eggs. Look for lower calorie snacks - primarily veg and salad (carrots, sugar snaps, red pepper, cucumber, celery, beetroot, tomatoes) and the more water based/lower calorie fruits - berries, apples & pears. Not bananas as a whole banana can be as many as 100 calories.

4. build active habits and get more exercise in. Can you sign her up for an activity like swimming lessons or a sports or dance club? Or something with a social aspect too might appeal to a girl that age - a team sport like netball or basketball.

5. build body positivity. Set her a good example but also don't make it about negative aspects of weight, make it about celebrating the positives of being fit and strong, look at role models like female athletes, dancers etc.

@Jmjonesuk

Great comments and much appreciated advice. Of course the very last thing I want is my DD to develop any long term weight issues but the issue is there now already. She is being overfed simple as that without hardly any exercise and it needs to be addressed now and not pussy footed around. The damage is already being done. She is surrounded by over weight woman who have had weight issue all their lives so is very much being exposed to the whole issue daily.

You chose to have a child with one of those overweight women so it's a bit rich to making an issue out of it now. Makes you sound like a bit of a vindictive arse to be honest. I think having a judgmental parent will do more harm to a child than being a bit overweight.

@Jmjonesuk

For me fruit equals sugar which she has way to much of. I am not just looking at her BMI but she is visibly overweight with a large overhanging belly. I hear what you are saying about not mentioning her weight as this might give her a weight issue as she gets older but she already has a weight issue and it needs to be addressed by not only me but also my ex and my ex's family who I know over feed her and spoil her giving into all her demands. I feel like writing to the ex and just coming directly to the point about her and her family letting my daughters weight get out of control and risk the consequences of her stopping contact for the sake of my daughters health and mental health as she gets older.

OP I wouldn't do this.

You have already said both her mother and mother's family have issues with their own weight, so they are likely either unwilling or incapable of managing it for your daughter. You must already know this is a pretty safe bet. Their diet won't change.

I genuinely think the best thing you can do is continue what you're doing and model a different kind of lifestyle to your daughter. Expose her to healthier foods and even though yes, there is sugar in fruit, it's still far better than other sweet choices she will be having. If you can find some fruit she really likes she may even start requesting it at her mum's.

It's hard but the best you can do is show her a better way. I highly doubt your ex would respond well if you broached this topic with her (even via letter) and it's not worth losing contact with your daughter over.

As politely as I can you need to educate yourself on food first. Yes fruit has sugar but giving fresh fruit is one thing, now if you gave it as a smoothie then the sugar becomes an issue. And as someone else has said if you say anything to your ex it will get straight back to your daughter and will be completely out of context and ruin what you are trying to do. If the other parent is unwilling to help/change then you can only change when she is with you. My advice would be dont start constantly weighing her, even this could cause her an issue. Do this by eye. Yes she, as everyone else has had lockdown to deal with so her situation is worse than it would normally be, but don't punish her for her mothers choices. Give her snacks but healthier ones. But do allow her some treats. Treats are not evil but need moderation. You need to almost do this incognito without your daughter realising so it doesn't cause an issue for her. Your daughter will like already know or soon realise that she can't run like her friends etc and want to eat better and do more exercise (which can be fun, like a bike ride). Dont go by the NHS bmi its outdated. But also do remember kids do want more to eat before a growth spurt. Its how us parents know they are going to sprout overnight. And likewise they can go outwards before they go upwards during the process, hence if someone (for whatever stupid reason) mentions a child being a bit chubbier, a parent will quickly say they are due a grow spurt. Good luck but be careful for your daughter's sake

I’m absolutely in agreement that you should feed your child a healthy diet when she is with you, and make sure she gets plenty of exercise a- in a fun way. But I don’t think you should mention anything to your ex. You’ve said yourself if you raise it she might use it as a reason to stop contact again, so then your daughter would have an unhealthy lifestyle all of the time.

@FatCatThinCat I thought the same. The tone being used in the posts is coming through more each time...

Makes you sound like a bit of a vindictive arse to be honest.

I'm troubled by the tone too.

You sound furious and immoderate in your eating approach (no fruit for a growing child - she does still have nutritional requirements) and your description of your ex, OP and I'm wondering how much of this concern for your daughter is based on not wanting her to be like her mother?

[quote Flowerlane]@FatCatThinCat I thought the same. The tone being used in the posts is coming through more each time...[/quote]
In fairness, the man has been through a 4 year custody battle with this woman to gain access to his own daughter...I can understand if he's not her biggest fan!

OP it's great you want to help your daughter to be healthier but you need to put aside actions that will make you feel better (telling her mother what you think of her diet and parenting) and focus on actions that will make a positive difference (setting an example of healthy lifestyle).

I would suggest you speak to the GP without your daughter around and get advice or referral to a dietician. They should also be able to advise you on how to discuss food with your daughter.

And as others here have said, always focus on the positives of a healthy body (being strong, healthy, feeling good about exercise) and avoid negative language that could make your daughter feel bad about herself (e.g. fat, lazy, etc).

The key is to try to put your own feelings aside and concentrate on what your daughter needs right now - a dad who clearly loves and accepts her and wants to help her be happy and healthy.

@PleasantBirthday

Makes you sound like a bit of a vindictive arse to be honest.

I'm troubled by the tone too.

You sound furious and immoderate in your eating approach (no fruit for a growing child - she does still have nutritional requirements) and your description of your ex, OP and I'm wondering how much of this concern for your daughter is based on not wanting her to be like her mother?

If her mother's overweight then I'm sure he doesn't want their daughter to be like her.

My 9yos put on weight in lockdown. We bought a trampoline, finally bikes in their size back in stock and since being able to restart their sports it has dropped off.

It's going to be very hard op for you to do anything if you don't have your ex on board too.

The poor child - losing her family unit and her father restricting her food and sending a clear message that there’s something wrong with the way she looks.

I was once your daughter and can tell you that the worst thing you could ever do is draw attention to her weight gain in any obvious way. Focus on giving her healthy snacks and meals and encouraging her to be as active as possible when she is with you. Surround her with love and positivity which is what she needs to thrive. You may find that once she feels happier and more secure in her home life she starts to eat less naturally.

Ok I hear you she’s overweight and your ex and her family are enabling the eating and weight gain.
You can’t control what they are doing, you can try but you will fail miserably, and cause a lot more aggro (and therefore stress for your daughter).

So concentrate on what happens in your house, and remember mental health is important too
I would take her to the GP or practice nurse and take their professional advice about tackling the weight. They could even refer you to a dietician. They will properly understand and take into account her nutritional needs.

She is self soothing with food.

Watching with interest as I have an overweight 8 year old.
Chunky tummy and wobbly thighs.
Age 12-13 in clothes (for height as well as tummy)
But... some of it is caused by her asthma steroids.
Some caused during the lockdown and all clubs being cancelled
And some by her stealing food.
She would constantly eat given the chance.
So there is a selection of fruit and veg that she is free to take.
But if we have been visiting family (pre covid) and they buy her a packet of biscuits (allergy kid), she will have one with family.
And the rest will be gone by the time we get home. However well I think they are hidden!
She is now back to her swimming lessons.
She loves her bike. She plays for at least an hour in the playground every day. Whatever the weather. Extra water on hot days!
I guess all we can do is keep an eye on portion sizes, make sure they drink plenty of water. (We have a chiller in the fridge door, dd loves using this)
And encourage physical exercise when we can.
If you are really worried about the care she gets from her mum, ask social services for advice. They could provide some nutritional information for them.

A lot of people being negative on here because OP is a man.

If OP was a woman, and the child's Dad had blocked proper access for 4 years and overfed the child crap and allowed them to get very overweight, you would all be absolutely ripping the dad to shreds. It is one thing for a child to get a little chubby before taking action, it is bordering on negligent parenting to let a child of 9 get two stone overweight. This isnt a teen who can buy their own food, it's a child who's calorie intake is largely in parental control. Imho there is no excuse for letting a child that age get so overweight. So terrible for the child's health and confidence long term.

If her family is over weight this is very tricky. A girl at our primary school was over weight and bizarrely her mother had been very fat by lost alot of it but still was over feeding her daughter bizarre. I don't buy into the puppy fat or lockdown excuse.
You are right to be concerned these are habits for life. Hit on the head all the high sugar snacks e.g. hot chocolate, cakes etc. Do stuff with her cycling, geocaching, football, trampolining. If she sees you are having fun she will want to join in.
I insist our kids finish their dinner or they don't get any pudding.
It's tough but you'll get there. Don't mention diet or weight to her just make it your normal life.

@Geppili

She is self soothing with food.

Possibly, but you can't know that........

If you've been through court and have your daughter at set times you need to focus on making this time as happy and healthy as it can be.

My 7 year old is on the chubby side and we don't worry too much as she's really active and all our conversations around food are focussed on being healthy and strong.

We go out on our bikes and walks as a family. She asks us if we can 'do something healthy this weekend' and thinks it was her idea.

You need to tread so so carefully from what you have posted. You're coming across as very self righteous and this will only alienate her.

OP you might find this book helpful

www.amazon.co.uk/Food-Our-Children-Eat-Like/dp/1841154776?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

A lot of people being negative on here because OP is a man.

No actually, I'm sensing a lot of anger, bitterness and I worry that the child is already self soothing through food and that no matter what eating strategies the dad puts into place to combat the weight issue, it won't help the child if it's done with a side order of contempt for her mother.

OP you've just got custody sorted and it sounds like you want to rush in and fix problems that have taken years to build up. This is understandable, but take a bit of time and think about a long-term approach.

What do you want for her at 16? I'm guessing you want her to be a normal weight, but I'm guessing you also want her to have a healthy attitude to food.

I had a friend in primary school who was a bit overweight at that age, probably similar to your daughter. Her parents put her on a diet, tried to get her to stop snacking, etc etc. It led to her hiding food, associating the withdrawal of food with affection, hoarding food, and she was properly clinically obese by the time we left secondary. Girls are exposed to a really properly disordered culture around food and diet.

At the moment, hopefully, the issue is just that she's being overindulged with sweets and snacks and has an unhealthy diet and lifestyle. This is 100% NOT HER FAULT, which you need to remember - she's a child, her diet is in the hands of others, all children would eat junk if given it. Hopefully she doesn't have a bad self-image, or think of herself as 'fat'.

So: the issue is, she's currently overweight and she's surrounded by people passing on an attitude to food and diet that will lead to her staying overweight. Well, all advice about overweight children is generally you don't try and get them to lose weight, you try and get them to maintain it so when they grow, it evens out. So don't put her on a diet, think, carefully, about what you can do to model a healthy alternative and a culture of exercise and self-care. There's no point in you saying 'no snacks' if she then goes home and has snacks the other 50% of the time. If you say 'lets have a banana, not a packet of crisps' she might actually get in the habit of wanting a banana. If you gradually reduce the size of the snacks, then go and do a fun activity at snack time, she might be distracted enough to not miss it. You can start habits of exercise that she enjoys, and I'd really encourage doing it now, before teenage years start.

Most importantly: almost all the women I know with issues around food have emotional eating problems. I think that should be your focus: give her a healthy respect for her body, introduce her to what it can do - cycling, dance, climbing something you can do together maybe - and then encourage her to care for it. You can influence diet while she's with you, but not while she isn't, and I think your focus has to be on building what you want for the future, not short sightedly trying to 'fix' whats wrong now in a way that may cause future problems.

@Bibidy I agree no one should have a child kept away from them that is wrong and I understand he won’t be the mums biggest fan but there is something about the tone he is using here which a few other posters have also picked up on not just me that doesn’t feel right.

@Geppili

She is self soothing with food.

Surely if her mum and mum's family are all overweight it's more likely that she just has a bit of a crap diet when she's with them, which sounds like it's the majority of her time?

She doesn't know any different.