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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriends mum posting pictures of our baby on Facebook without asking. AIBU?!

152 replies

Tryingtobe123 · 02/06/2021 20:57

We have an 8 week old boy, first grandchild on both sides so I understand the excitement. I’m quite a private person, I guess we both are. But I ensure I put photos of him on my Facebook so that family can see him and keep up to date with things that he’s doing etc. It’s just much easier to have close family and friends on there. My account is very private, all info hidden etc. But every time I or my partner adds a photo of him on Facebook his mum then saves the photo, re captions it and posts it on her Facebook. She’s never asked if it’s okay that she does this - if she had I’d have politely asked her not to as I don’t know the people on there! He’s our child, surely it would be the polite thing to ask our permission?

Am I being totally unreasonable to be getting frustrated about this?!

OP posts:

ChangePart1 · 03/06/2021 08:38

@Bluntness100

It’s fine to be precious. But you do need to understand that people will see your baby. Unless you never leave the house, people will see your child. Strangers. Not just people your mil friends. Proper strangers will be able to look at your child.

I think when you understand that maybe you’ll be less concerned about her friends seeing him?

You’re being deliberately obtuse and it’s quite dull.

MonicaGellerBing · 03/06/2021 08:59

Oh ffs OP get a grip. Most babies look like potatoes, no one on MIL Facebook will give a shit about a pic of a baby. You clearly don't like MIL and are looking for something to fall out over.

JellyTumble · 03/06/2021 09:01

YABU. So what if other people see these photos? What does it matter?

Staffroomdoughnut · 03/06/2021 09:04

I’d stop posting the photos on Fb and tell her you don’t want any more on there. Show her how to change the settings to friends only on the ones she’s already reposted. Could you email her the odd photo if you can’t use WhatsApp?

Feelinghothothottoday · 03/06/2021 09:06

I really don’t think employers will be interested in looking at baby photos in 20 years time. Face book will probably be gone by then as youngsters do not use it. All our photos on Facebook will be in files up in the sky somewhere that some new organisation will charge us to view or will be deleted.

It’s not important in the scheme of things. You have now admitted you are not Keen on the MIL anyway.

Staffroomdoughnut · 03/06/2021 09:10

Also I don’t blame you for not wanting your child’s photos shared with no privacy settings. I’d stop sharing on Facebook at a though as they may think you’re giving mixed messages despite the privacy settings. I’ve done lots of child protection courses and there are too many people interested in children’s photos. It’s not just Facebook. Sometimes you have to share photos but I avoid it with strangers where possible. Nobody would expect passport photos to be a potential concern but this happened www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/18151878.man-spared-jail-theft-childrens-photos-durham-passport-office/

It’s unlikely but it does happen. I think people telling you to get a grip are being unfair:

saraclara · 03/06/2021 09:15

It would be perfectly reasonable for you to point out that her posts are public, and ask if she can please set her posts to friends only.

Beyond that, if you're posting photos of your baby, then I can't see a reason why a proud grandma shouldn't share them.

Norked · 03/06/2021 09:16

@WorraLiberty

YABU

What do you think her friends are going to do, print them out and throw darts at them?

You're posting a photo of your baby on the internet anyway and your baby's unable to give you permission for that.

😆

misskatamari · 03/06/2021 09:24

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, as you realise, BUT I know I would have felt exactly the same about it when I had my first baby and she was tiny. I can't really articulate why, but I would be pissed off about it. I think because if I share something, it's because I know who I'm sharing with and who's seeing it. If someone else then shares it, anyone and everyone can then see it, and I'm quite private, so that instinctively bothers me. However, when viewed rationally, I know that's quite silly. A grandparent sharing pics of your child is because they love them and are excited and of course they want to share that with their friends. So I'd try and focus on that and remember in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal. Could your boyfriend maybe speak to her about making sure her profile of private so that one her friends can see things (surely that's just common sense nowadays anyway).

I'm sorry you're getting some nasty responses. I know I would definitely have felt like you do when mine were little. Even now they're older, if I've taken pictures of them with other people's kids, I'm reluctant sharing them to fb, unless I know they other people really well and that they're okay with it. So, yes yab a bit u, but I understand it

ElmtreeMama · 03/06/2021 09:48

I work for a charity and hear endless stories about what people (peadophiles) do with pictures of babies and children on the Internet!
I won't be posting mine on social media at all and will be asking others not to

ABCDEF1234 · 03/06/2021 10:27

I had the same problem - only I didn't share anything online myself but grandparents were forever putting photos on their (not private) social media accounts. I feel your annoyance as I don't want photos of my baby shared online and definately don't think someone else has the right to, especially after asking them not to do so

BeastforLease · 03/06/2021 10:36

.not like I’m posting them for the whole world to see

Actually, that's exactly the risk you take when you post anything to the internet.

cadburyegg · 03/06/2021 11:25

YABU because you put the photos on there in the first place. I agree with pp that you lose control of an image once it’s on social media, even if you are sharing it to a few people only. And it’s a bit precious

Bitofachinwag · 03/06/2021 14:08

@DeweyWilkerson

I think unfortunately you've set a precedent by posting on your own Facebook page. Anyone of my friends who posts their children on their page for me to see, I assume they're OK with them being on Facebook.

I'd also say that all the posters advising you use WhatsApp instead, WhatsApp is owned by Facebook, and is still classed as social media. Your images you upload to it still become property of the social media and they can use them any way they want.

I don't think that's right at all. The OP posted photos, that doesn't mean that she has automatically given everyone else permission to copy and forward them. Just like you can't assume you can tell everyone about a conversation you've had with someone else. Or just like you can't lend something to your neighbours that you've borrowed from your friend. You wouldn't then say "well you've set a precedent, you shouldn't have lent it to anyone in the first place".

nokidshere · 03/06/2021 14:37

Yabu because you haven't asked her not to.

VeganCheesePlease · 03/06/2021 14:42

I think if you're annoyed it's better to talk to her about it. I can understand her thinking if it's one you're happy to be online then it's OK for her to share. It's all coming from a good place, she's an excited new grandmother but do have a gentle conversation about why it makes you unhappy.

nokidshere · 03/06/2021 15:22

Why does everything have to be gentle?

Just say 'MIL I know I put baby pics on fb for family/close friends to see but I don't really want them making public. If you can't make your fab private we can find another way for you to have the pics. Thanks'

Calm, firm and matter of fact. Don't make it into a big thing until you have least given her the opportunity to stop.

saraclara · 03/06/2021 15:36

@nokidshere

Why does everything have to be gentle?

Calm, firm and matter of fact. Don't make it into a big thing until you have least given her the opportunity to stop.

Why do things have to be gentle? Because relationships matter.

So your suggestion would be just that but kinder of edited to say
MIL I know I put baby pics on fb for family/close friends to see but I don't really want them making public. If you want to share them with your friends, could you put your FB settings to 'friends only, please?'

She doesn't know she's done anything wrong at this point. She might not even know about the different settings. So there's no need to make her feel bad.

phoenixrosehere · 03/06/2021 15:59

Yabu because you haven't asked her not to.

Why should OP have to? It’s not MIL’s child. Really shouldn’t have to tell people not to post pictures of children online that are not theirs regardless of relation.

FierceBarrie · 03/06/2021 17:02

I’d caution against pitching it like this.

I would never talk to my MIL like this in a million years.

gngfh27 · 03/06/2021 17:25

i think it's a generational thing. some older people are a little bit less up to date on the whole social mediate etiquette.

she wouldnt have even considered that you wouldnt like it. i promise - she isnt doing it to be nasty but because she is too excited and hasnt thought about the implications

just talk to her - it's fine. she'll get it and stop, dont make this into a thing though. you're all just really really excited about the baby. you all share that. dont fall out over it

nokidshere · 03/06/2021 17:39

I’d caution against pitching it like this.* I would never talk to my MIL like this in a million years.*

Like what? It's just normal. Why do people make a massive thing about normal communications? All this tiptoeing around, guessing, not making things clear, it just creates problems. Just be honest and upfront and get it sorted. There's no point asking, or suggesting because that still leaves it open to interpretation. If you want it to stop then you need to be clear about it. There's no need to cause a fuss or make it into a 'thing'.

Kinneddar · 03/06/2021 17:51

Cant people just communicate with each other? So your MIL is doing something you don't like, presumably though she's not a mind reader so doesn't know you're not happy.

Surely the simplest thing is to explain to her you share photos because your privacy settings are set so you know who's seeing photos. Explain to her that hers aren't and offer to set hers to one you're happy with.

Talk to her for goodness sake

eddiemairswife · 03/06/2021 17:56

What happens to all the photos that people can't stop taking nowadays? I know times have changed but I have 2 large drawers of 'snaps' of me, my parents, grandma, aunts and uncles, my children and grandchildren, seaside holidays, school friends. And the family enjoy looking through them every so often.

eatsleepread · 03/06/2021 17:56

YABU.

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