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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriends mum posting pictures of our baby on Facebook without asking. AIBU?!

152 replies

Tryingtobe123 · 02/06/2021 20:57

We have an 8 week old boy, first grandchild on both sides so I understand the excitement. I’m quite a private person, I guess we both are. But I ensure I put photos of him on my Facebook so that family can see him and keep up to date with things that he’s doing etc. It’s just much easier to have close family and friends on there. My account is very private, all info hidden etc. But every time I or my partner adds a photo of him on Facebook his mum then saves the photo, re captions it and posts it on her Facebook. She’s never asked if it’s okay that she does this - if she had I’d have politely asked her not to as I don’t know the people on there! He’s our child, surely it would be the polite thing to ask our permission?

Am I being totally unreasonable to be getting frustrated about this?!

OP posts:

Cactuslove · 02/06/2021 22:23

I never quite get this. You'd walk down the street with baby, take baby around shops, take baby to park etc where hundreds of people will lay eyes on them. What does it matter if some people on your mil fb see baby? Just like they would if they walked past baby in the street.

scrambledcustard · 02/06/2021 22:23

YABU The moment you post pictures on SM they are not yours.

I learned this the hard way. I posted a picture of my dd on holiday by the pool with her dad. Mil shared it then her sister who I'm not even friends with shared it.She lives a different country with the caption "my DN with his little girl"

Any one could now have a picture of my little dd in a swim suit.

Sleeplessem · 02/06/2021 22:24

How is it precious? It’s her child. End of. So what if she posted it on her own social media where she has a controlled list of friends who she trusts that is completely different to someone posting it on an open profile.

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/06/2021 22:27

I think you are a little unreasonable. I don't put any photos of my child on SM because once it's there it's there forever. I want them to have the choice once they are old enough. I have asked family to respect that and they have. So I am with you on that aspect. However you put pictures of your own child on Facebook. Surely you realise that Facebook is not private at all! So it seems churlish to stop proud grandparents doing the same. I would stop putting anything on SM and explain to your family why. Also set up a shared Google photos album to show pictures. Or just send them directly via email. Tell grandparents they are welcome to show the pictures to friends privately or via email but not on SM. I would also avoid sharing any pictures that are personal or may later embarrass your child by any method - because you can never guarantee where it will end up. So no naked or bath photos, no tantrums, no pictures covered in food or ill in bed, etc.
Some may think it's precious - but will your child really be happy that you posted on Facebook about their bedwetting when they were 7, along with a photo? Or a picture of their bottom with chicken pox spots? Or a picture of them having a screaming fit etc. All helpfully labelled with the name of their mother with links to all of their friends mothers.

Bitofachinwag · 02/06/2021 22:29

@Blossomtoes

I can’t see the problem. Hundreds of people see your baby every time you take them out. What’s the difference?

The difference is huge, obviously. Do these hundreds of people that see your baby every time you take them out take photos of him? Or do they have photographic memory? Are they able to forward the baby's image to people all over the world just by looking at him?

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/06/2021 22:32

never quite get this. You'd walk down the street with baby, take baby around shops, take baby to park etc where hundreds of people will lay eyes on them. What does it matter if some people on your mil fb see baby? Just like they would if they walked past baby in the street.

The point is that is 15 years time or 30 years time these pictures will all still be there, for school bullies or future work colleagues to find. Would you be happy if strangers in the street took close up photos if your baby and you had no idea where those photos would end up? Because that is the same effect as putting photos on SM (privacy settings or not).

Sometimeswinning · 02/06/2021 22:34

Tbf she is aware she's unable to share the pictures and she has to download them and post.

I was going to come on and say it's really not an issue, but that's for me. It's an issue for you so you need to have a word. Just be prepared for her to be defensive or maybe mortified shes been called out.

Ignore the pile on. Honestly, pages of people saying the same thing. I swear some people just want to make you defend your point and then say you have a bad attitude. Typical aibu behaviour.

Blossomtoes · 02/06/2021 22:34

The point is that is 15 years time or 30 years time these pictures will all still be there, for school bullies or future work colleagues to find

So what? The 15 or 30 year old will be unrecognisable from the baby pictures.

iduno · 02/06/2021 22:35

I don't see the issue. If it annoys u so much I shld tell her not to post pics online but I'm sure it'll go down like a lead balloon.

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/06/2021 22:37

OP you need to have a word with her - explain that you didn't realise Facebook wasn't private but now you have you won't put any more pictures up, but you will share photos via Google photos (or whatever you decide). Explain that you are happy for her to show friends privately but please don't put on SM. I don't think that would offend any normal person if you do.it tactfully. If she persists in sharing things on SM I guess you have to decide whether to stick to your principles or let it go. But so far it seems you haven't even mentioned it, and she most likely genuinely didn't realise.

yomommasmomma · 02/06/2021 22:37

@BeachWaves2

Yabu.. If you don't want pics of your son on Facebook then don't put them on there..

Exactly this. You are making your child public property so you can't stop her doing the same thing.

BirthdayCakeBelly · 02/06/2021 22:38

It would never occur to me to save someone else’s photo on Facebook and then repost it myself. Some people are so desperate for attention.

I never post anything on social media that I wouldn't be happy for the world to see so I don’t post any pictures of my DC. That’s to protect their privacy. As a parent I feel like I owe them that.

MrsReeves · 02/06/2021 22:41

YABU If you put pics on facebook, they are public property. I dont put pics of my kids on Facebook, and asked any family and in laws taking pics to do the same, when they were newborn. I think people think that if you have put pics up, then it's ok for them to do so. Just tell them. It's your kid

Sleeplessem · 02/06/2021 22:41

@yomommasmomma how is it public property when the picture is posted to close and private circle of friends. At the end of the day it’s weird to take a picture from someone else’s social media and repost it on your own.

yomommasmomma · 02/06/2021 22:44

@scrambledcustard

YABU The moment you post pictures on SM they are not yours.

Any one could now have a picture of my little dd in a swim suit.

OP you really need to listen to this post. If you don't want pictures of your child being in the public domain, you can find post them on social media at all, regardless of so called 'privacy settings'. Nothing is private on the internet

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/06/2021 22:44

So what? The 15 or 30 year old will be unrecognisable from the baby pictures. Guessing you aren't a Facebook user! The photos will be linked to the mum's name and probably accessible to a large proportion of the local community via the mum's friends. Or quite likely everyone in the world as so many people have completely open profiles.
I came across a photo of my boss in a bikini completely by accident, am not friends with her or any of her family, but her daughter has an open profile and I clicked on her thinking she was someone else (they don't have the same surname). If you are actually looking you can dig up an awful lot of stuff in there.
And unless the mil magically stops reposting once the child gets to - what - 2? 3? They will at some point become recognisable.

yomommasmomma · 02/06/2021 22:47

[quote Sleeplessem]@yomommasmomma how is it public property when the picture is posted to close and private circle of friends. At the end of the day it’s weird to take a picture from someone else’s social media and repost it on your own.[/quote]
Because one of your friends can screen shot it and pass it on. Also Facebook privacy settings are not secure, abhorrent individuals scour social media for one picture of a little boy or girl looking "cute" on the beach of whatever, do you want it to be your child's picture they find??

MrsReeves · 02/06/2021 22:47

@Blossomtoes

The point is that is 15 years time or 30 years time these pictures will all still be there, for school bullies or future work colleagues to find

So what? The 15 or 30 year old will be unrecognisable from the baby pictures.

But in X years time, when applying for jobs, does the child want pictures of it on the potty, naked in paddling pool, doing something questionable as a teen. Linked to their parents facebook, (because this is what employers do) being seen by potential employees?! Wait until child is old enough to give consent for photos to be put online. Don't understand why people dont get this 🙄

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/06/2021 22:49

Remind me not to ask anything else on here again as being made to feel like pure shit wasn’t really on my list of things to do tonight

Don't worry OP - people are always horrible about this because they feel guilty about posting pictures of their children, without consent, just to get attention on SM, and they realise it's a very selfish thing to do. So they lash out at anyone who points out that it's not actually in.their child's best interests.

EmeraldShamrock · 02/06/2021 22:50

So what? The 15 or 30 year old will be unrecognisable from the baby pictures.
Birth is announced, DM maiden name usually visible, name of first pet, stree t name you grew up on are all easily worked out on a non private page.

EmeraldShamrock · 02/06/2021 22:51

I don't think you're being unreasonable however she needs to be told.

FluffyRabbitGal · 02/06/2021 22:52

@Tryingtobe123

Just to reiterate I have only close friends and family on there, around 30 people...not like I’m posting them for the whole world to see

So when you challenged her on this, what did she say? It’s likely that she’s excited and proud about her first grandchild, and unless you’ve told her how you feel, she’s probably oblivious to the fact she’s upset you!

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/06/2021 22:52

You do realise if you take your baby out, people can see him right? As he gets bigger, if you take him to the park, the shops. Strangers will be able to see your child ?

I think you are getting mixed up between seeing someone briefly in a public place, and close up.photographs being shared with an unlimited and unknown number of strangers for the next 50 years or more. Can you really not see the difference? What would you do if a stranger approached your baby in its pram and took a load of photos?

Suzi888 · 02/06/2021 22:53

@Henio

She sees you putting them online so probably thinks you don't mind, especially since you haven't told her

^ this. Sorry, I think YABU. Once a photo is out there, it’s out there.

chipmunkcalling · 02/06/2021 22:56

Yanu at all, my ex mil did the same thing, except she shared the posts of my eldest. I done a fully public post about how my profile was locked down to friends only for privacy reasons and if I found people sharing photos of my son without my consent they would be removed without a second thought. This was after telling my ex mil 6 times to stop reshaping photos to people I don't know. He profile was fully public, and still is. None of my ex's family are on my FB cuz they lacked boundaries when it came to me and their not to subtle digs at me doing my best for my eldest because it didn't match their massively outdated views, but that's a whole other life long therapy session. Some people just don't care what others want to do to protect their children.

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