AIBU why some MIL are unpleasant

FeistySheep · 01/06/2021 14:06

Mine is nice.
Bad MILs will definitely be overrepresented in threads here, as nobody writes a thread saying 'My MIL is lovely. The End.'
It would be interesting if you started a 'survey' thread, ie Is your MIL nice? YABU - yes, YANBU - no. Then you might have a very rough idea of how common bad MILs really are?

Don't know why bad MILs are 'bad' though. Isn't it just that humans are a mix of bad and good, and some are more bad and less good? Bad MILs, bad nephews, bad cousins, etc. A bad MIL is more life-impacting than a bad nephew though, so people talk about it more?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 01/06/2021 14:09

It's all personal perception isn't it? My BIL would say he has a terrible MIL, in my opinion she has a terrible BIL!

blubberyboo · 01/06/2021 14:10

I think women tend to notice other women’s behaviour and whilst most of us are probably used to and comfortable with our own mothers , a MIL brings a different personality and dynamic and experiences into the mix. I think then we often focus on the negatives and are then quite ruthless about it.

My MIL had a lot of irritating attributes but if I’m honest she also had a lot of good qualities too.

Surlyburd · 01/06/2021 14:10

Jealousy maybe?. Sometimes people just don't gel and comments can be misconstrued as rude or judgemental. Sometimes mil's think that by making nasty comments and being rude that they will end the relationship and get their son back. Depends.

Babbly · 01/06/2021 14:10

My MIL is incredibly nasty. I take comfort in the fact she's nasty to everyone we know, I'm not special.

user1471505494 · 01/06/2021 14:12

I wonder why some DILs are extremely unpleasant as well

Cocomarine · 01/06/2021 14:15

I don’t think there’s much special about MILs.

1.some people are arseholes, so that includes people who are also a MIL.

Even when you’re not specifically an arsehole, we many of us run some people to the wrong way, or are rubbed. Generally we get past it as these will be school gate mums, or work colleagues, or someone in your hockey club... you can avoid, and they most likely don’t have much of an impact on your life. No real role. Make them your MIL, and all of a sudden they’re around a lot, have a genuine interest in your life (as it pertains to their child). This total stranger who may not be your kind of person, is overnight family. To the extent that our language even calls them “mother”!

Donitta · 01/06/2021 14:17

Mine is just a nasty woman. She has no friends. Even her own daughter moved hundreds of miles away as soon as she turned 18. I’m jealous of people who have lovely MILs.

Melitza · 01/06/2021 14:18

Ime mil's who behave badly have ds's who allow it.

I love my dil, she's a hard worker and a good mum.
My ds would, quite rightly, never let me be mean or critical of his dw. If I expressed an opinion on their parenting or home life it would be asked for.
Both my dc will ring for advice and I have rung them with problems ( elderly parents).
We're all adults and we can all help each other when necessary.
But we have boundaries too.

TwoAndAnOnion · 01/06/2021 14:19

@Redjumper1

I have a difficult MIL and my own Mother is difficult. I know of several people who deal with the same. I have friends who have a lot to say about their sons gf. Why do some Mother's treat their DIL terribly by being critical, insulting,nitpicking, difficult to be around. I am curious as to their thought process. Why do they think that behaving badly will garner positive results. Do they think that as they are Mother's they are entitled to act as they please. Do they think they are doing nothing wrong? I find it hard to understand

I know nice MILs too so I know it is not all Mother's.

Same reason some DILs are awful. Personalities.

I have a difficult MIL and my own Mother is difficult However when someone says people they know are difficult I tend to wonder if it is indeed them and not the other people.

EishetChayil · 01/06/2021 14:24

I think a lot of people, particularly in the generations that are now MILs, have a very all-possessing and jealous conception of love and relationships, and thus find it hard to accept that their sons have wives and families of their own. They see DILs as competition.

Moomoo42 · 01/06/2021 14:26

I don't get along great with my MIL or FIL. I don't get on great with my own DM to be fair. My MIL and I are very different personalities and I put a lot of it down to that. I accept if we didn't have DH in common, we wouldn't socialise together. I am cordial. I know DH isn't a fan of my parents again, but he is civil.

I think with my own MIL, she is a martyr. She has clearly never put herself first with anything. She was clesrly upset and redundant when DH (the youngest) left home. I don't know the full history, but DH has mentioned he never knew any of his relatives on her side of the family and thinks she fell out with all of them at some point. When the grandkids are together, she clearly tries to instigate arguments between then with teasing and has favourites. She laughed at one for being fat while feeding him deep fried sausages. (not envy). She tells lies. She slagged SIL off to me and me off to SIL, failing to realise we both got along and spoke to each other.

She's disabled now. Two of her own kids don't bother with her. Even DH finds her exhausting now but visits out of FOG. I have maintained a dignified silence towards her. I'm polite, smile and nod through her bull shit and silently seeth. But she is DHs mum so she got one thing right.

Xyzzzzz · 01/06/2021 14:28

My MIL died quite early into my relationship but I do think she was quite overbearing so I imagine if she was around I’d have struggled a bit. SIL is very overbearing.

SometimesALime · 01/06/2021 14:32

I had a rocky start with mine just from something she said when I first met her, she was quite dismissive of me and my relationship with Dh. Took a few years and a major fall out with FIL to bring it all to a head where everyone said their piece, why we acted the way we did, why they acted the way they did. And then it was all okay, we drew a line under it all and genuinely moved on.

Dh finally relaxed and was himself around them which was great and then I would say that I had a fantastic relationship with my MIL and FIL. MIL and I even did some dance classes together for a laugh on holiday. Sadly MIL died a few years ago and now FIL rings me rather than Dh!

I will say that women are often pitted against each other and it happens with ex wives and new wives and MILs and DILs. I think society perpetuates this putting down of other women and one upmanship.

the80sweregreat · 01/06/2021 14:35

My late mil was a textbook narc and hard going. It was hell at times dealing with my in laws.
It has definitely affected me years later.
My own mum wasn't perfect ( because nobody is) but she was great at being an in law and really was kind to my husband who she didn't particularly like a huge amount , but she stayed out of our marriage and didn't give him the grief my mil gave me especially once we had kids too. It was tough!

ComDummings · 01/06/2021 14:35

I don’t know. My own MIL is great, I adore her but I do see some nightmare MILs in day to day life. My own gran was an absolute horror to my Dad, proper MIL from hell. In her case and so many I see it’s all about control. She was used to being the boss and being in control of my mum. Then my dad came along and made my mum realise what an absolute horror my gran was/is. From the outside everyone thinks she is hard done by with my Dad taking her precious daughter away. But she was the problem 100%, I saw her behaviour for my self many times.

OwlTwitterings · 01/06/2021 14:39

This is nothing to do with being a mother or mother in law, it’s just that some people are very unpleasant.

foreverchangingmyname · 01/06/2021 14:41

I think it's sometimes that it's a different family dynamic than the one you are used to so it's hard. I know my own mother can be.a nightmare but she has a heart of gold so when she's being a pain I let it go over my head. This can be irritating to my OH. His parents are a lot more involved than mine has ever been and I can find them overbearing but again, they mean well. I think when you merge family's like this, especially with grandkids involved, a lot of the time it's just hard when it's different to what you know.

Also, some people are just arseholes whether they're a MIL or not so unfortunately you may end up with these people in your extended family.

Anordinarymum · 01/06/2021 14:44

I don't think they are any worse than anyone else. It's a subject matter close to the heart of married women with parents in law is all.

My mother and my father's mother did not get along well. My mother hated her and she disliked my mum. Difference being my mother slagged her off to everyone and she never said a bad word about my mother at all.
So she was a bad mother in law but my mother according to the bible she wrote was perfect. Well she was not I can tell you, and she was a shit grandma too

Rant over :)

HIUHwih · 01/06/2021 14:45

As PP put it - a lot of women are close to their mothers and just put up with it but dont want having to deal with their MIL. For example, it's not uncommon for wives to call their mums a few times a week, seek their advice, support etc etc etc. But if the same happens with their husband - they call it controlling. It isnt - it's the same thing but you're used to it with your family just not someone else's. I also think that wives do a lot of the social/emotional work - so make more effort with their family than their husbands. So it's not that MIL are any worse than our own mothers - they are just as irritating and annoying but we dont love them in the same way and dont want them in our lives. It's different with dads/husbands - because on the whole they dont get involved as much either with their own familiy or their wives.

I say all of the above as someone who is actually much close to their MIL than my own mum but for the opposite reason - i can chat about nothing with my MIL whereas my mother think she cant comment on everything and I cant stand that.

newnortherner111 · 01/06/2021 14:46

I don't think it is just MILs who are unpleasant, but I do think that sometimes a mum has an idea about who their son should marry (and indeed daughters too), and who the son chooses does not meet up to their ideal, for example. In any number of ways.

MissyB1 · 01/06/2021 14:46

Some people are just very difficult to get on with - could be a Mil or a Dil. There is nothing specific about Mils.

And yes when some people moan about all their in laws and their own family, I do tend to wonder who exactly is the problem...

Original poster

Redjumper1 · 01/06/2021 14:48

Some of the difficult MIL seem to be decent enough to others and so it does seem to be aimed at their sons wife only. Perhaps it is a loss/control thing. Others are all around unhappy, and so would be hard to be around but they could mean well. It's the ones that are rude/insulting that I don't get. What do they hope to achieve. I know you find it more common in forums but it does come upon real life too.

OP posts:

DifferentHair · 01/06/2021 14:49

MILs are just people and I suspect they mostly sit on a bell curve somewhere between very lovely and mildly annoying but otherwise fine.

I think awful MILs are written about a lot because it is a significant relationship that impacts your life and your children's lives- but it's someone you didn't choose and can't get rid off.

Someone with an awful boss would quit.

Someone with an awful DH would LTB.

People with hideous MILs are just sort of stuck with them. This awful person you can't stand, but tethered to you for life. Hence the threads.

the80sweregreat · 01/06/2021 14:50

My late mil hated that I took her son away from her. She expected him to run about after her and my fil and always rolled out the ' I sacrificed everything for you ' card and made us feel guilty about every little thing that went wrong with her own life ( because she couldn't get on with anyone and moaned about every little thing , was passive aggressive and generally horrible)
She did have a lot of mental health and physical health worries which didn't help matters, but she really did make everyone's life a misery.
I was never good enough for her son.
My friend's mum used to say to her jokingly ' marry someone who is an orphan !' ( her own mil was hard going )
(Harsh , but I can see why people think this way sometimes if you have troublesome relatives! )