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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU why some MIL are unpleasant

110 replies

Redjumper1 · 01/06/2021 13:58

I have a difficult MIL and my own Mother is difficult. I know of several people who deal with the same. I have friends who have a lot to say about their sons gf. Why do some Mother's treat their DIL terribly by being critical, insulting,nitpicking, difficult to be around. I am curious as to their thought process. Why do they think that behaving badly will garner positive results. Do they think that as they are Mother's they are entitled to act as they please. Do they think they are doing nothing wrong? I find it hard to understand

I know nice MILs too so I know it is not all Mother's.

OP posts:
CuteOrangeElephant · 01/06/2021 14:51

My MIL is lovely, let's us live our lives and wouldn't generally give her opinion unnecessarily.

But it was hard when DD came along. There was just this assumption that we would do everything the same as her daughter, SIL, who had the first grandkid. I subconsciously feel that they do blame me, when actually it's her son who holds the same opinions, sometimes stronger than me!

GrimDamnFanjo · 01/06/2021 14:56

Mine didn't approve of us and said some things at our wedding that weren't nice or helpful.
Sadly I was too young to manage this and kept my distance from her as a result and she died really without me having a real relationship with her.
I regret this now as I think she did come round, particularly once I gave her a couple more grandchildren, but I just didn't trust her.

the80sweregreat · 01/06/2021 14:56

It's easy to target the women though isn't it?
They are always the fall guys when it goes wrong and women do love to pull other women down.

AnneKipanki · 01/06/2021 15:01

My MIL is awful.
I am a people pleaser but I have had enough. I have put up with decades of her snidy comments but now she can just FOTTFSOF.

newnortherner111 · 01/06/2021 15:03

@DifferentHair valid point that once you marry and have a MIL it is until their death do you part, as it were.

krustykittens · 01/06/2021 15:12

I do think it is just becauase they are awful people. Their kids put up with them but when they bring outsiders into the family who are less tolerant, everything comes to a head. My MIL is a vicious, nasty woman, who had no friends, a very unhappy marriage and focused all her energy on her two sons. So she wasn't very happy when they grew up wanting to be independent and live their own lives and not spend their days running around after Mammy. Despite the fact that both my BH and his brother met me and SIL long after they left home and moved a few hours drive away, any argument they have with their mother, any way of doing things that she finds different, any opinion she doesn't agree with, has become the fault of myself and SIL. We are the lightening rods for her general unhappiness. It has created a huge rift as our husbands stand up for us but what can you do? She isn't going to change. Even the grandchildren keep their distance as the constant arguing is distressing and tedious.

krustykittens · 01/06/2021 15:13

Sorry, DH not BH

Cantbebotheredtothinkofaname · 01/06/2021 15:17

My MIL is lovely and we have a good relationship. I am close with my own DM but I think she is a difficult MIL for my brothers wife! I am not sure why that is, but she seems to be a lot more critical of her DIL than of me or my DH. I think children can escalate the situation if there were cracks before, and I wonder if it’s to do with the DIL often being the primary caregiver so potentially having more to do with MIL then? My DH has very little to do with my MIL really other than socially and they get on OK.

HIUHwih · 01/06/2021 15:17

I wonder whether most wives think that their own mothers are as difficult as toxic as their MIL? I ask as someone whose own mother is much worse than my MIL but am never sure whether it's the same for most other people

krustykittens · 01/06/2021 15:19

I wouldn't say my mother was worse but they were neck and neck! I am NC with my mother, she is an utter horror and married a child-abusing cunt. And no, it's not me, it is most definetly her.

InTheDrunkTank · 01/06/2021 15:22

My Mil is a the complete opposite to me personality wise. I'm introverted she's a massive extravert. She lives far away so always stays at least a week and I'm exhausted by the end. That said she is a very nice person and always very supportive. She does feel the need to tell me how I should rearrange my house and wouldn't stop gushing about how much nicer the house is now we have a cleaner but she means well and I know she'd give us her last penny if we asked for help!

statetrooperstacey · 01/06/2021 15:29

I’m on my third mil and they have all been nice, some of their sons not so much! My third ( current!) mil is really nice, I’m not close to her as I rarely see her and she’s fairly quiet. my DH has gone to her for advice before when we were having some issues and she has given him sensible measured advice and not stuck the boot in or anything. My dh goes and visits and stays overnight at his parents regularly and has been taking our youngest since she was 3 weeks old by himself and no, she didn’t take over and do all the baby care. I have had 2 ex boyfriends whose mothers hated me tho and they had a very strange relationship with their sons.

Original poster
Redjumper1 · 01/06/2021 15:30

@HIUHwih

I wonder whether most wives think that their own mothers are as difficult as toxic as their MIL? I ask as someone whose own mother is much worse than my MIL but am never sure whether it's the same for most other people
I do think that perhaps people are more forgiving of our parents than our ILs yes. A parent might be "flawed" but we might be less forgiving with an In law.
OP posts:
MildredPuppy · 01/06/2021 15:35

I tjink there are just as many nightmare daughter in laws as mother in laws and i think many women are far more forgiving of their own mothers quirks, insecurities, vices etc than their husbands mother.

HIUHwih · 01/06/2021 15:48

It's also sometimes interesting to see the sort of dynamics that friends have. In most cases, I find my female friends' mothers just as irritating if not more so than their MILs but they only complain about the latter. In fact, their mothers make a lot more comments/ critixise the husband, their house and the way their kids are raised a lot more than their MILs who mostly keep their opinions to themselves.

It does seem unfair that a wife discussing problems with her mother is seen as supportive but a husband doing the same is seen as not putting his family first. What's the difference?

So I just think it's a matter of attitude i.e. one someone problematic and interfering older female is enough for a young household so the MIL gets pushed out. Mothers are allowed to interfere and are just a little annoying, MIL arent and are toxic

stillcrazyafterall · 01/06/2021 15:48

It's people isn't it? You get nice and you get nasty. I'm pretty sure the horrible MILs are nasty to others too. I had a meh one and one I very rarely see but is ok. I never took it personally when the first one was nasty, because she was like it to everyone

Shareddriveagghh · 01/06/2021 15:54

Some women are just not very nice. But I think it’s something probably far more deep and complex that makes the DIL and MIL dynamic hard sometimes.

Many women are disappointed in men, I know so many women who have had bad relationships or bad experiences with men. From low level dissatisfaction right up to acts of extreme violence. So some women pour all their love in to the male they gave birth to they have seen him as a tiny baby, totally helpless and not one of the many awful men they know, their friends have experienced or they read about. So they become a bit obsessed, he will always be their baby. They struggle to let go and can’t stand another women taking their baby away. Because that male baby though now an adult fills the void in their life that a partner has never satisfied. All a bit Freudian I suppose but there must be a reason that this sort of intense jealousy develops.

IntermittentParps · 01/06/2021 15:58

it's not uncommon for wives to call their mums a few times a week, seek their advice, support etc etc etc. But if the same happens with their husband - they call it controlling.
That's one thing, but my mind is genuinely boggled by the amount of stuff I read on here about MILs turning up to the wedding in black and veiled/insisting on being present at the birth of their grandchildren/being obsessed with wanting to have grandchildren overnight from babyhood etc etc.
I thought MILs like the ones in jokes were just a Les Dawson invention, but from here it seems they are very much real.

LemonRoses · 01/06/2021 16:01

I rather suspect it's a reciprocal two-way process, as all relationships are.

OccaChocca · 01/06/2021 16:02

In terms of MILs, DH has it far worse than I do! Grin

HIUHwih · 01/06/2021 16:02

@IntermittentParps in my experience it's actual the mother of the bride that is often toxic. I've been to so many wedding where the mother of the bride felt upstaged in photos, wanted things just her way, insisted on having direct involvement in wedding planning etc etc etc

my own mother on finding out that I was having a DS exclaimed - well at least you will never look old in photos ............... so i guess she has felt a tad upstaged by both her daughters....as i said my own mother is pretty toxic

MrsTophamHat · 01/06/2021 16:08

My MIL is nice, but several of my friends I find are quite hostile to their MILS and moan about them all the time. It definitely works both ways

HIUHwih · 01/06/2021 16:08

@IntermittentParps also a lot of mums insist on having their own mothers at their births so whats the difference. They insist on their mums having a lot of involvement in their wedding planning (and often pay for it) and if you read the threads on MN wives are actually having for the maternal grandparents to be involved but not those of their husband

When it comes to kids - obviously people have much more in common with their own parents than the IL but husbands dont tend to get as involved with the child rearing so it doesnt matter whereas MIL might also say something but that will be more at odds with the wife's upbringing than if her mum said something

DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight · 01/06/2021 16:10

Why do some Mother's treat their DIL terribly by being critical, insulting,nitpicking, difficult to be around.

Thing is OP, these same MILs were probably once critical, insulting, nitpicking, difficult DILs that we see complained about on Gransnet.

I genuinely believe that problem DILs turn into problem MILs.

TheRebelle · 01/06/2021 16:11

My MIL is difficult because even though DH is mid-thirties, married with children she hasn’t quite grasped that she’s not responsible for him anymore, so she interferes and does things that I think are weird like insisting that she buys all DHs pants and socks and toiletries, it’s not that she wants to pay for them which would be fine, she doesn’t even ask what he wants so every Christmas he’s presented with 13 cans of Lynx Africa and 2 packs of Matalan boxers and socks.