Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU why some MIL are unpleasant

110 replies

Redjumper1 · 01/06/2021 13:58

I have a difficult MIL and my own Mother is difficult. I know of several people who deal with the same. I have friends who have a lot to say about their sons gf. Why do some Mother's treat their DIL terribly by being critical, insulting,nitpicking, difficult to be around. I am curious as to their thought process. Why do they think that behaving badly will garner positive results. Do they think that as they are Mother's they are entitled to act as they please. Do they think they are doing nothing wrong? I find it hard to understand

I know nice MILs too so I know it is not all Mother's.

OP posts:

VettiyaIruken · 01/06/2021 16:13

Mils are human. Like all humans, there are nice ones, horrible ones, absolute angels and batcrap crazy ones.

Original poster

Redjumper1 · 01/06/2021 16:14

@LemonRoses

I rather suspect it's a reciprocal two-way process, as all relationships are.

I think this is a very simplistic way to view relationships. People feel free to behave badly when others put the onus of their behaviour on both parties.

OP posts:

Pellewsmate · 01/06/2021 16:14

I really wanted to get on with my MIL and put up with a lot of sh*t during the first few years to keep the peace. Everything is treated like a competition, her engagement ring is bigger than mine, she's a far superior GM than my mum (she's not). Eventually I stopped being so tolerant and now I'm the worst DIL she has (I'm winning something at last), I'm also the DIL she spends Xmas with, does her shopping etc, her other DIL's can't bear to spend time with her and she doesn't have a friend in the world. Really upsetting as it could have been so different.

Mary46 · 01/06/2021 16:14

My mil is lovely. My mother is hard work and nasty at times. But as we know some people are just hard work!

nokidshere · 01/06/2021 16:20

I think we need to get out of the narrative that MILs are awful. I know plenty of DILs/SILs who are similarly badly behaved. As someone upthread said, we are probably more forgiving of our own families faults than we are of other peoples in general.

I think also that females being close to their mothers being a good thing and sons being close to their mothers being a bad thing is also to blame for a lot of dysfunctional behaviours from all parties. There really should be no difference in a child being close to its parent. Lots of women insist that their male partner 'takes their side' or speaks for them because they don't have a backbone or the communication skills to speak for themselves. It's never going to end well when you make someone choose.

My own PILs were lovely people and we got on really well. If I had any problems with them I told them and we sorted it out. But generally we rubbed along well around each other's idiosyncrasies. The fact that DH was close to his parents was a good thing and they were a huge part of his life. I'm always astounded when reading on here that people are jealous or irritated by the fact that their partner has a close parental relationship.

I like to think there are more good relationships than bad and it's just concentrated on here because of the nature of the forum. In real life almost all my friends and family get on ok or really well with their partners family.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 01/06/2021 16:21

If I had to choose a partner for my son, my DiL is the one I would have chosen. She is a lovely person. I hope she likes me. We have our career in common as well as the family.

I have never offered advice, unless it’s been asked for. I wouldn’t think of criticising her. I admire her and think she does a great job in working, looking after the family and helping with her parents. The children are older and don’t need babysitting, but I did childcare when they were small.

My MiL and I were very different. I had a career; she had always stayed at home, but we managed. She liked to see the children, but didn’t want to look after them,; fair enough.

Lweji · 01/06/2021 16:24

I have a difficult MIL and my own Mother is difficult.

Well... Difficult MILs are probably also difficult mothers...

I find my own mother more challenging than the MIL, past and present, probably because I'm less emotionally involved with the MILs. But they have overall been less critical and nicer.

MuddlingThrough1724 · 01/06/2021 16:44

I think you hit the nail on the head with MIL's sometimes feeling entitled to behave how they wish, and also a generational expectation that children, even adult children, fall in to line. My MIL has been caught calling me names many times. She has also insulted my daughter and has no respect for her son and Is parenting or wishes when it comes to our daughter. We therefore don't see PIL very often, and I actually don't see them at all anymore after all the names they called me. What they failed to realise was that I wasn't the problem (their name calling wa so far off the mark and the clearly think we see them less because of me), it was actually me who reminded their son to call them, bought then nice gifts for birthdays etc, made arrangements for trips out and suggested we invited them. I've just stopped, and when it comes to all those things it is now their son in charge. Funnily enough, he doesn't want to see them much. I think some parents are determined to find someone to blame for their relationship with their kids not being what they want it to be, and the DIL is an easy target. Nevermind their own behaviour!

Cam2020 · 01/06/2021 16:53

I have awful ILs but they're awful people all round, not just to me!

Blankspace101 · 01/06/2021 17:02

They haven’t quite grasped that their special little boy is now a man and doesn’t need them anymore. They see you as the person that stole him away.

HIUHwih · 01/06/2021 17:04

@Blankspace101 i think thats harsh. Lots of mothers dont realise their daughters havent grown up either and dont need them anymore. But wives often assume they do still need their mum for advice, support etc etc

Crankley · 01/06/2021 17:12

You may as well ask that of any group of people, including some DiLs. In the case of MiLs I think some find it difficult letting go of their sons and become proprietorial.

BigWoollyJumpers · 01/06/2021 17:13

My MIL is lovely. I talk to her often, and she is kind and supportive, and has never been critical. She has defended me to my own mother who has always been a challenge, was never very nice to me, never supported me, or commended me, found fault in everything.

My mum then turned on my MIL, accusing her of "prostituting" (her words) herself in order to gain favour.

I love my MIL.

BigWoollyJumpers · 01/06/2021 17:15

Of course, for DH, my mum, his MIL, has been a nightmare. She literally hated (she passed away this year) him, and used to call me up to berate me for marrying him, and how we have a terrible marriage. We are very happy thank you very much, and have been married for 32 years.

IEat · 01/06/2021 17:19

It’s because you have corrupted her angel of a son, you made him have sex and enjoy it. If it wasn’t for you her son would be living at home under mummy’s spell

JustOneMoreRun · 01/06/2021 17:43

Over the years, I’ve come to wonder if that often issues between inlaws is mostly an extension of an already existing issue between parent & child. My parents who had very difficult parents themselves, work hard to accept my DH and my sister’s DH. It matters to them because our DHs matter to us. They’re not always easy (& nor are we!) but if I tell them something doesn’t work for my DH or me they’ll never do it again. As a consequence, whilst it can be hard work both ways sometimes, my DH and I love to go on holiday with them etc. My inlaws will say that I’ve taken their son away I’m sure but the truth is my DH really struggles with them and the fact we see them at all is mostly down to me facilitating it. They seem to view him as an extension of themselves rather than a person in his own right and that has consequences. He finds it hard to be in a room with them but I’m sure to them it feels like I took him away.

dayswithaY · 01/06/2021 20:05

My MIL is a possessive control freak who became very comfortable as the head of an all male family, then I came along and broke up the party. She was vile to me from the start, and I cringe as I remember myself trying to be so pleasant and accommodating because I was just too young and immature to understand what was going on.

Now, my son's girlfriend is the same age I was when I first met MIL. To me, his girlfriend seems so young and shy, desperate to make a good impression and I really feel for her. It's hard to meet a new family, so I try to be as welcoming and friendly as I can. What kills me is that in the same situation my MIL was telling me off and making barbed comments about my family, my lack of education, even my hair. It really brought it home to me how cruel it really is to do that to a young girl who is trying her best - it's like kicking a puppy.

With my MIL, I toughened up, gave her a few home truths and pretty much kept my distance from her. She is old now and quite isolated. No friends, fallen out with family members. My DH visits but even he can't get away quick enough. Some people just can't accept their time as Mummy in Charge is over.

But, the gift she gave me is that I will embrace anyone who loves my son and I can't wait to step back and let him live and independent life with a partner, I've done my bit.

Shame really as I would have made a brilliant daughter-in-law.

Cactusesi · 01/06/2021 22:05

It is truly extraordinary the number of women who don't get on with their in-laws.
Is it because most women like to be in charge and/or get their own way?

AnneKipanki · 01/06/2021 22:10

Er no @Cactusesi.

Vodkaandballon · 01/06/2021 22:10

Why are some Dil so unpleasant?. Find fault/offense in everything their Mil does. Lots of Laying down the law /foot putting down.

LyndaSnellsSniff · 01/06/2021 22:13

My MIL has always been passive aggressive and is extremely good at snide remarks. On my part, I find many of her habits irritating so I clash with her.

However, once I had my first child things got noticeably worse. In hindsight I think she really didn't like no longer being the only mother in the family. She had lost a bit of her matriarchy and she did not like that one little bit.

Ozanj · 01/06/2021 22:14

My Mum is awful, a text book narc who has made me the scapegoat. My mil isn’t on that level but she is very easily led by her daughter (my sil) and this has led to many unnecessary arguments throughout the family.

AnneKipanki · 01/06/2021 22:15

Some people are unfortunate.
My H says , what about FILs . I would love to have a nice MIL who liked me but I don’t and I have accepted it now .
I will not bore you with the endless details .

Doona · 01/06/2021 22:17

My MIL is wonderful. I have so much love and respect for her. We don't have a language in common, though. That probably helps! No possibility of snide remarks on either side.

burnoutbabe · 01/06/2021 22:26

It's a weird relationship. It's not someone you have chosen to be with (like a friend) and it's someone who can tell your partner what to do a bit.

And different to friends of say 20 years older, you are not equals as such, she is senior to you in some ways.

I find being treated like a second daughter by someone the same age as sone of my friends weird/awkward.

So we're just very different people with just one thing in common.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread