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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU why some MIL are unpleasant

110 replies

Redjumper1 · 01/06/2021 13:58

I have a difficult MIL and my own Mother is difficult. I know of several people who deal with the same. I have friends who have a lot to say about their sons gf. Why do some Mother's treat their DIL terribly by being critical, insulting,nitpicking, difficult to be around. I am curious as to their thought process. Why do they think that behaving badly will garner positive results. Do they think that as they are Mother's they are entitled to act as they please. Do they think they are doing nothing wrong? I find it hard to understand

I know nice MILs too so I know it is not all Mother's.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 02/06/2021 08:17

Some MIL are awful, just like some DIL are. Neither are usually great at self-reflection and consider that maybe th issues lay with them. Too engrossed in blaming every thing on the other one.

Maray1967 · 02/06/2021 08:40

There need to be boundaries in place right from the start. I am astounded at reading some of the stories on here about parents letting themselves into their grownup children’s homes etc and demanding a large degree of control over grandchildren. I suspect my MIL has no rush to do either but also wisely knows that it would not have been a good idea in any case. We don’t have keys to their house either and would always knock on their door.
Slight silliness happened before our wedding with MIL talking constantly about her outfit and assuming she would be number 1 female guest as my DM had already died, but interestingly it was FIL who slapped it down by saying something like ‘you’re not the bride - how’s your dress coming on Maray?’. And although he’d said nothing beforehand and we didn’t have any kind of rehearsal I noticed when we saw the wedding video that he made sure he took my Nan’s arm and led her out in the mother of the bride’s place in front of her and my dad and made a big fuss of her which she loved and which my aunts appreciated.
But MIL has never shoved her way in and it’s only been the odd case of outdated childcare views which we have been able to swerve by using nursery and being vigilant over things like hot drinks left out near toddler DCs and her not understanding why car seats are necessary, so I count myself lucky.

Mabelface · 02/06/2021 09:13

Our kids don't always choose the partner that's right for them. However, it's their choice as adults. I don't think my eldest son's partner is good for him, but, and it's a big but, I welcome her into the family and treat her well.

MissyB1 · 02/06/2021 10:09

@Mabelface

Our kids don't always choose the partner that's right for them. However, it's their choice as adults. I don't think my eldest son's partner is good for him, but, and it's a big but, I welcome her into the family and treat her well.
Yes I did that when ds married a girl I didn’t trust. Kept my mouth shut welcomed her into the family etc Then within two years she was cheating on him. I still kept my mouth shut about her, but I cut off all contact with her whilst I was supporting him. Thankfully he decided to end the marriage and he no longer has contact with her either. I had predicted right from the start what would happen but kept it to myself and waited to pick up the pieces.
shivawn · 02/06/2021 10:11

I don't know any bad MIL, I and all my married friends have great relationships with theirs. I think its just a bad stereotype.

Jins · 02/06/2021 10:19

@EishetChayil

I think a lot of people, particularly in the generations that are now MILs, have a very all-possessing and jealous conception of love and relationships, and thus find it hard to accept that their sons have wives and families of their own. They see DILs as competition.
I thought this when I was newly married

Now I’m old enough to be a MIL I know it to be wrong. It’s nothing to do with age and a lot to do with personality.

AnneKipanki · 02/06/2021 13:20

The OP does say some.

Unfortunately my one is not a nice one .

Blossomtoes · 02/06/2021 13:23

@user1471505494

I wonder why some DILs are extremely unpleasant as well
Was just thinking the same. There are some absolute peaches who post here and I feel so sorry for their MiLs.
Mary46 · 02/06/2021 13:26

Great replies. Saraclara same my mother is major work but sure they dont see it that way! I think boundaries work. Controlling your adult kids wont work either which my mother still tries! My mil is respectful never a mean word out of her.

DrJPuddleDuck · 02/06/2021 13:51

In my case, I think it was about her asserting power and authority as the family matriarch when we were younger and she was much more influential in our lives. For the sake of our children though, I have always continued to make an effort. BUT she has damaged our relationship irrevocably, as well as her relationship with her own son. We will never be close now, and ironically, she has been the maker of the peripheral role that she now holds in our lives.

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