AIBU why some MIL are unpleasant

[Redjumper1]

I have a difficult MIL and my own Mother is difficult. I know of several people who deal with the same. I have friends who have a lot to say about their sons gf. Why do some Mother's treat their DIL terribly by being critical, insulting,nitpicking, difficult to be around. I am curious as to their thought process. Why do they think that behaving badly will garner positive results. Do they think that as they are Mother's they are entitled to act as they please. Do they think they are doing nothing wrong? I find it hard to understand

I know nice MILs too so I know it is not all Mother's.

My late mum was a nice MIL to both my husbands, however I think she would have been a bit of a nightmare MIL had my brother married.
Despite being an intelligent woman who had her own career in the 1960s, she definitely had a bit of a firstborn son thing going on and different expectations of men and women. Thus either of my husbands cooking a meal for us made them heroes. If they were working during her visit or on a bike ride or something, that would have been fine. I just know that any DIL would have been held to a different standard entirely and my normally nice mum would have been beadily evaluating her cleaning/cooking/caring abilities in a most hypocritical way; mum was no Martha Stewart herself.
Mum wasn't as bad with me because I was her beloved, clever daughter. DILs don't benefit from the same maternal soft focus.

I think some nightmare MILs see themselves as THE mother of the family and struggle to cede position to the mother of their grandchildren; so many posts about MILs start "Help! I used to get along great with my MIL, however ever since Dd was born ..."

Another source of conflict is different family cultures, which is nobody's fault really. If one of you comes from a family where letting yourself in to each others houses at random is normal, and extended family dinners have taken place every weekend since the dawn of time; and the other one has a family culture of less contact and visits by arrangements only, then you are going to have problems.

A final frequent problem I've seen recur is where parents have made little effort to welcome and get to know their adult child's partner only to expect to be glued to the couple's sofa once a grandchild is in prospect. That never goes down well.

My MIL just makes sly digs. Like when my partner was furloughed in the first lockdown and my 8 month old just started to crawl. 'Oh, he's learnt so much since you've been at home.' Yes, that will be it.

Another, she refers to me as she or her. She doesn't use my name. I refuse to acknowledge her and but wimpy DP says eff all.

I had a wonderful mil and fil even though i married their only son. They were like parents to me. The day i handed them their grandsons was like they won the lottery. I have 2 dils now and treat them the way i was treated. I love them all.

My MIL complained to me about her MIL. That she was picky, critical and tried to tell her what to do... like YOU! She was completely unaware.

My MIL was quite an unhappy person. I think criticising me and trying to control me obviously was to make herself happier, feel in control. It didn’t work though, I didn’t care about her opinion or do what I was told.

I remember her being particularly difficult on one visit (she lived 300 miles away) I nearly cried going to the car to leave to get away and she was asking why I didn’t want to come and stay much longer next time, like 2 weeks. She had made me feel unwelcome the entire time was there. I can only think that she thought she was acting fine.

My MIL is a strong lady who raised my husband (her only child) as a single mum, despite some severe mental health problems and a difficult life in many ways. I admire her for that among many other things.

That said, she also treated my husband as basically a substitute partner for years, and has really overstepped the mark on a few occasions - certainly when we married and when we had our first child she threw a wobbler both times and tried to make it all about her. She’s also been very critical of me in the past, including calling me a bad wife and a bad mum in front of my children which caused us not to speak for a few months. We now have a polite but not overly friendly relationship which is much more mutually respectful.

In our case I think it boils down to: anyone who married DH would have felt like a rival to her and no one would have been good enough. It’s a shame because my own mum had an excellent relationship with her MIL and I really wanted one too - sadly it wasn’t to be.

I do think it is just becauase they are awful people. Their kids put up with them but when they bring outsiders into the family who are less tolerant, everything comes to a head.

So every mother of sons is an awful person?

My MIL was wonderful. I couldn't love her more. She's just a shell now due to advanced dementia, but I still love to just sit with her when I can, even though she doesn't recognise that anyone's there, never mind who it is. I'm not remotely woo, but I can still feel the essence of her. And she loved me dearly.

My mum, however is complex and difficult. I have to steel myself to visit her and can't get away quickly enough.

Isn't it because you'll put up with more from your Mum than your MIL. And they tend to have more opinions than FIL on bringing up kids/housework etc etc.

I like mine.
I had a terrible one previously. Bitter, jealous of a lot of people for ridiculous reasons. Holds herself in such high regard she can't handle if someone doesn't adore her. Babied her son to the point that it really hindered him maturing.

My MIL has always been very self-centred, her world has always revolved around her and FIL, career, social life, etc so anything I thought or wanted was irrelevant to her resulting in some really hurtful incidents. SIL and I have had many issues with her over the years and, as a result, I resolved to never be that way to any DILs and SILs I might have. I hope I am succeeding so far.
Having said that MIL, now retired and very elderly, is so lovely and considerate to my children it makes me sad to think that she has never had a good relationship with her DILs because she was so focussed on things that have now faded from her life completely

I wonder do people have rhe same problems with their FIL? I always found FILs to be much harder to get on with

My MIL is nasty to the extent that I wish I hadn't married dh sometimes.
When I first met him she made it a competition as to who would 'win' dh and I competed much to my eternal shame although I was 21 so I do in part forgive myself.

When I had my dc I tried to wipe the slate clean but she took it out on the dc. This was also to be fair the only time dh finally stepped in to say something ie turning up to dc parties with no present (not money grabbing even a pound shop job would have been ok and shes not poor whatsoever)
Then when BIL had dc she decided this was another opportunity to snub me and buy massive presents for his dc despite never getting mine any and then proceed to lie about all the times she'd treated my dc. SIL saw through it luckily but this is where I finally decided she was actually loony and now I distance myself from her tbh. I have never fallen out with anyone or had this problem anywhere else. Dh is also angry that MIL would treat our dc differently to her other granddc so it's all worked out ok as she's no longer welcome anyway.

I think as PP have said, you're kind of stuck with this person. Usually you can change a situation to not have to see certain people. This is one where it's not really that easy and I would never ask dh to not see his mum either.

We live abroad and I haven't seen or spoken to my MIL since 2008 when she came to stay for 2 weeks.
She left after a week (thank god) as there was nothing to.

Husband told her AT LENGTH prior to her coming that we would be working, the bus service into town is rubbish, that there are no shops or markets nearby and not much to do except relax.
She sat on the sofa in her dressing gown every day with a cats bum face because she was bored.

Husband goes back to visit once a year and I stay home. I have no interest in seeing her.

When we first got together she hardly gave me the time of day and used to look me up and down critically. I think she thought my skirts were too short and that I smoked and drank too much.

She's also incredibly manipulative, playing her other children off against each other. She tells some incredible tall tales as well.

On the other hand, my Mum lives near us and we see her a lot. My husband finds her annoying, irritating and needy.
As soon as she opens her mouth I can see him eye rolling.
She can be all these things but I just let it go over my head.

My Mum used to be really hard work, especially when she'd had too much to drink and my husband can't forgive or forget those times. She said and did some quite nasty things in those days.

She doesn't drink so much now but he can't get past it.
He ignores the many kind things she has done for us and fixates on the past.

I think it is as PP said, you tolerate more from your own parents.

To be fair I don't like my FIL either 🤷‍♀️

The mean girls from school turn into the bitchy mums at the school gate, who then turn into horrible MiLs. And of course some of them turn in between into horrible DiLs, too. I know of a couple of lovely people with horrible DiLs - apparently determined from the start to hate their ILs.

Glad to say my own MiL was lovely, though, ditto my dd’s MiL.

I’m lucky to have a wonderful MIL who I love very much, however my DM can be a complete nightmare and I do feel for my brother’s wife!

My DM has very high standards and mollycoddled my brother throughout his life - no woman would ever have been good enough for him.

My MIL wasnt unpleasant but she really seems to struggle with wanting to be the most the popular grandparent which made her sometimes paranoid and visiting awkward as it was was 20 questions and she would go in a mood at the slightest thing if she thought she was being left out. I did try to make her feel less “left out” she came with us to my scan and help my DS before my parents.

My MIL is the mother of 5 sons.
I was clearly a disappointment to her right from the start, not good enough, smart enough, rich enough, cultured enough. I had got on so well with my previous boyfriend's mum, so this was quite a shock to me, but I did my absolute best to try to win her over.
She did everything she could to try to end our relationship, lied about me to my DH, her family and even my dad, some really nasty things, pretended we hadn't sent a wedding invitation, told my DH she'd disinherit him if he went through with the wedding, turned up to the wedding in her gardening cardigan, when we went over for lunch to try to put things on a friendlier footing, she just talked about how wonderful all of his previous partners had been (even though she disliked all but 1 of those intensely, cried at his first wedding and begged him not to go through with it).
I'm not any of the things she thinks I am, but she never made any effort to get to know me or my family. I have a far better education and background than she knows, but have never been one for showing it off. I think of her as a bit of a Hyacinth Bucket, to be honest.
I find it really sad, I really like the rest of his family, but rarely see them as it's so difficult.
I don't know why she's like it, it's not just to me, all but 1 DIL are clearly inferior in her eyes, the other she has put on a pedestal (but is a lovely woman, who doesn't like MIL either, but is very good about keeping a smile on her face and getting on with things).
None of her sons live within 300 miles of her now, all but 1 are in different countries.

My ex mil was indifferent to my kids and wrapped up in her own life. She wasn't unpleasant and even sent me a Christmas gift despite being divorced and I'm meeting her for coffee later in the month when she's nearby but with her I know it's her husband that's the difficult one and she panders to him completely, my DD's hate him too, gives them the creeps. Dps mum is difficult but that's partly age and partly upbringing (brought up and through adult life had a lot of hired help and thinks people do things when she clicks her fingers) she's rather deaf which really doesn't help.

@Biddie191 😂
My one loves that programme but it is her.

No idea, I get on so well with my DIL that we all want to move in together as soon as possible. We are looking at a house divided into two flats or a granny annex.
Mind you her own parents are dead so there is no competition.

Because they think they are in charge of their DS and he is in charge of you. Therefore, they are your boss's boss.

Always emerging or made worse when you have a baby and they should oversee what you are doing to earn your 'salary' (even though no fucker sees what you are doing while they are sleeping!). This can still apply even when you are financially independent.

My own MIL likes me, luckily. PILs did not have such a good relationship with BIL's ex wife and it caused a lot of conflict.

@saraclara

I do think it is just becauase they are awful people. Their kids put up with them but when they bring outsiders into the family who are less tolerant, everything comes to a head.

So every mother of sons is an awful person?

I think PP poster just meant awful MILs are just awful people, rather than just becoming awful when their DC get married. Also, men can have awful MILs too, it’s just that they generally don’t come on mumsnet to complain about them.

As a mother of all sons I think some of the problems here is that the son doesn't stand up for his partner with his mother.
He's weak,and let's his dm get away with a lot

I'm respectful to my son's and their girlfriends.
I don't offer unsolicited advice,I don't just assume I'm invited to anything.
I don't interfere with the GC.

But I do read on here about MILs and it's obvious the son left his dm and replace her with the dw.

I think those that say you have to wonder if a person has issues with both their family and the in laws whether it is them that is the problem. Of course that's possible but I do think that often if you have grown up in a certain way you accidentally end up with similar people.

My DP were very controlling and used to be horrible to my Ex Bil. I ended up in a marriage where my Exmil was exactly the same and I did assume for a long time that it was me that was doing something wrong.

As time went on the marriage failed and I met DP who had a very different upbringing and I love my soon to be MIL so much. She's supportive but hands off. She does make me laugh a bit because none of us can do any wrong (including me and my two dc who are not her biological grandchildren although she would fight anyone to the death for saying that she adores them the same).

Over time I realised in my first marriage I unconsciously bonded with exdh over our home lives so my upbringing had caused me to match to a man with a similar dynamic. It wasn't about me (although I'm the first to admit there were times I didn't cover myself in glory ).

I do think unpleasant people are unpleasant people but there is an odd societal impulse that forces you into a relationship with someone you don't know and the only connection is someone you both care deeply about. That will make it emotive and highly charged.

My DM who has mellowed heavily with age was initially very very controlling and overbearing but in later years has discussed that she knew no different. Her MIL was the same and she developed thinking that she was the matriarch and all should bow down. I do not see my DM as any better than exmil (except that she has genuinely reviewed and tried to change her behaviour....horrible to BIL , not great but better with exdh and wouldn't dare try it with my DP who was the first partner who came into the family and had his partners back....DP will not tolerate the game playing and always supports me ).

I feel a bit sorry for DM now. She knows she ruined a lot of the relationships she wanted to be better. We are ok now but only with incredibly strict boundaries.