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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’ve upset my friend

143 replies

Amiwrongor · 01/06/2021 13:14

Been with my dp for a couple of years and shortly moving house so things are very busy for us! Alongside this trying to juggle seeing friends and lockdown easing...

One of my closest friends (from nursery days so pre dp etc) wants us to have a day or two away together but I just can’t see a free weekend over the next few months what with moving house and saying goodbye to dp/my family. We haven’t caught up for a year or so due to lockdown but I would rather we have a brunch or long meal to see each other. I think she is a bit upset about this, Aibu?!

For context friend is not local so would be some travel time to get there and back. I don’t really know what to do!

OP posts:
Inadaze80 · 01/06/2021 16:22

YANBU - since when do grown women need to spend full weekends with their friends? She needs to realise that you have both grown up and moved on with your lives. Dinner is absolutely fine.

Disingenousdilemma · 01/06/2021 16:25

If you have lots of friends then you may have to eek out your time with them but when it's your oldest closest friend surely they deserve more consideration after such a long period not seeingeach other. Close friends are for life if you nuture and respect the relationship. Unfortunately some people can take their oldest friendships for granted which can lead to upset.

RampantIvy · 01/06/2021 16:26

If someone said to me that they couldn't see me for several months it would feel that they weren't bothered about seeing me at all.

Do people really have such busy weekends that every single weekend is booked up for several months?

Cornettoninja · 01/06/2021 16:54

Do people really have such busy weekends that every single weekend is booked up for several months?

Yes! Large families with a run of birthdays, work, booked holidays, weddings, hobby commitments, dc commitments, add in moving house and you can be certain I would be very protective of any potential down time that I might be able to squeeze in never mind getting into finances.

If I have a run of busy weekends then it’s guaranteed that I pay for it later on because I’m forever playing catch up with stuff like housework and life admin because it has to be squeezed in somewhere. Moving increases all of those kinds of jobs.

It doesn’t even really matter whether someone is actually busy or not, if they’ve told you they can’t commit to something then that should be respected.

Taliskerskye · 01/06/2021 16:58

Problem is, if you don’t make genuine time for your friends because “my DH/family” comes first
When 50% divorce you’re going to be fucked!

JustLyra · 01/06/2021 17:03

@RampantIvy

If someone said to me that they couldn't see me for several months it would feel that they weren't bothered about seeing me at all.

Do people really have such busy weekends that every single weekend is booked up for several months?

Yes.

We have 6 weddings in the next three months for a start (4 re-organised ones and 2 that were always this year). Not to mention family birthdays and simply catching up with family we’ve not seen for the whole of lockdown.

We’ve had to be extra careful because of DD4 being extra vulnerable so only now as close family have started being fully vaccinated has it been safe enough to mix with them, and it’s needed the nicer weather as we’re still only mixing outdoors.

Lots of people have weddings, birthdays and the likes to go too. There’s 3 christenings we’re missing because of the aforementioned weddings.

Cornettoninja · 01/06/2021 17:05

@Taliskerskye

Problem is, if you don’t make genuine time for your friends because “my DH/family” comes first When 50% divorce you’re going to be fucked!
Optimistic outlook there....

Or maybe cultivate friends who understand that life can get busy and aren’t so demanding that anything less than a weekend away is a personal insult 🤷‍♀️

Most of my friends are the ‘pick up where we left off’ variety but would move heaven and earth for me if I needed it, as I would for them.

Sometimesfraught82 · 01/06/2021 17:10

@SecretThermalsAreTheBest

Wow some of you are so high maintenance! YANBU OP...

I really struggle to find time to see my friends - definitely would NOT have time for a whole weekend away. It's partly because I have friends from lots of different circles (and struggle to fit them in as it's seeing everyone one-on-one) and partly because I'm working on building a business so am basically working all the time outside of 'work' hours.

Some people have more spare time - some people have less. If you give her the time you can manage she should understand. If you've offered brunch that's fine.

Luckily my friends are a lot more chilled than lots of you seem to be and understand that the amount you see people ebbs and flows...

Oddly enough I remember your name from another thread.

When you say you struggle to find the time to see friends, how come? You said on the thread I recalled you from that you don’t have children. Is it elderly parenting responsibility?
I’m genuinely interested

Because I am a single parent with no family network. I work in a very full on job.

And yet I find time to carve out time for my closest friends.

KatherineJaneway · 01/06/2021 17:11

YABU. If a friend said this to me I wouldn't believe them. If I was that good a friend they'd make time.

Taliskerskye · 01/06/2021 17:14

@Cornettoninja
I’m speaking from experience and looking at these boards esp relationships board.
Many many women sacrifice their personal friendships for their DH/family and it’s really really hard to recover from it.

It’s practical to nurture your friendships as much as you familial relationships.

One day you’re children will be gone and in reality 50 % of people end up divorced! And the women are always the ones that seem to have sacrificed the most.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/06/2021 17:18

Most of my friends are the ‘pick up where we left off’ variety but would move heaven and earth for me if I needed it, as I would for them.

In a way it's easier to say "I would move heaven and earth for you if you REALLY needed it" (knowing they probably won't) than to actually make time for them when they are asking you to. I always think the mundane everyday stuff counts for more than the big gesture.

Having said that, a weekend is quite a big ask. Could you invite her to yours for a Saturday night, go out for a meal and a proper catch up... There may be something she needs to really talk about.

Sometimesfraught82 · 01/06/2021 17:22

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Most of my friends are the ‘pick up where we left off’ variety but would move heaven and earth for me if I needed it, as I would for them.

In a way it's easier to say "I would move heaven and earth for you if you REALLY needed it" (knowing they probably won't) than to actually make time for them when they are asking you to. I always think the mundane everyday stuff counts for more than the big gesture.

Having said that, a weekend is quite a big ask. Could you invite her to yours for a Saturday night, go out for a meal and a proper catch up... There may be something she needs to really talk about.

Exactly

Plus, a close friendship is more than just being there when the shit hits the fan

It’s about sharing your good times, your views, laughing together, discussing any work issues.... a close relationship basically

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/06/2021 17:24

@KatherineJaneway

YABU. If a friend said this to me I wouldn't believe them. If I was that good a friend they'd make time.
Me neither, it doesn’t take that long to move. A day or two at the most.
musicalfrog · 01/06/2021 17:46

"One of my closest friends"

Who are you trying to convince OP?

Sometimesfraught82 · 01/06/2021 17:53

@musicalfrog

"One of my closest friends"

Who are you trying to convince OP?

Well it could be. That could be the OP’s version of a “close friend”

But sure as heck isn’t my definition of a close friend

LadyMargaretBeauforte · 01/06/2021 17:57

Hmm, with kindness OP i think you are more interested in spending any of yr remaining spare time with yr DP before you move. It looks from your post that ( i may have read that wrongly) you are moving and DP is staying put, as you refer to saying goodbyes and included DP in that list. You said yourself your friend pre dates your DP by a long chalk. You started your post ,about an issue with your friend , by referring immediately to your DP , as opening gambit. Why? How does having a DP prevent you from maintaining long standing friendships? You also put a timescale on yr friendship as "pre DP". What has that got to do with your friendship? I guess your friend is now 2021 Anno Domini your DP?

Also, you have not seen yr friend in over a year, which is surprising as there have been small opportunities through Covid to meet outside etc. That said, we all ultimately make time for people we love, value and want to see.

If you really cannot find 24hrs in your busy schedule, for your life long friend, having now not seen them in over a year and , knowing them (BC) DP and before you move, then that is where you are.

With that in mind I would not expect that friendship to survive into 2022 AD/DP.

Daphnise · 01/06/2021 18:11

Booked up for the foreseeable weekends ahead, or actually just not wanting to do a weekend because it's too much effort and this friend isn't much of a priority?

I'd expect a cooler or fading relationship with this person- not so much because of the weekend itself, but because of your attitude, and generally being "too busy".

Will furnishing the new place also take 26 weekends?

Cornettoninja · 01/06/2021 18:28

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Most of my friends are the ‘pick up where we left off’ variety but would move heaven and earth for me if I needed it, as I would for them.

In a way it's easier to say "I would move heaven and earth for you if you REALLY needed it" (knowing they probably won't) than to actually make time for them when they are asking you to. I always think the mundane everyday stuff counts for more than the big gesture.

Having said that, a weekend is quite a big ask. Could you invite her to yours for a Saturday night, go out for a meal and a proper catch up... There may be something she needs to really talk about.

I agree it’s the mundane stuff that maintains a friendship but the phrasing ‘move heaven and earth’ is just short hand for we’ve been there for one another when we’ve really needed it. That’s proven track record and not lip service but then my life is irrelevant to the OP’s issue.

The OP has suggested a shorter meet up instead of a weekend break and been met with stroppiness not a compelling reason to rearrange her free time. Where’s the responsibility of her friend to meet her halfway and be considerate of her needs?

I’m honestly really quite perplexed that declining a weekend break is seen as such an offence. She’s not saying she doesn’t want to see her at all, just not go away!

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 18:40

She will understand it needs to be postponed for now.

I certainly couldn't commit, to a weekend away, whilst so much was being organised for a family move.

Good luck with packing and moving OP, Ive done it a few months ago and Im still recovering lol. 🌹

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 18:54

The OP has suggested a shorter meet up instead of a weekend break and been met with stroppiness not a compelling reason to rearrange her free time. Where’s the responsibility of her friend to meet her halfway and be considerate of her needs?

Are you just making stuff up or did you not read it properly? The op says right there in her op the friend offered a day or two. A day is not a whole weekend. She said she wouldn’t even do that and would do dinner or brunch only.

LadyMargaretBeauforte · 01/06/2021 19:01

"Do people really have such busy weekends that every single weekend is booked up for several months?"

No, they don't. -It's either bullshite, poor time management or used an "excuse" to avoid doing something that does not interest them. A dear friend should be "afforded" time in any schedule. If a dear friend is not afforded any time, they are not viewed as a friend . If you have to make an "appointment" to see your friend, months in advance , it is not a friendship.

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 19:27

Don't agree to anything you cannot commit too.

OP has done the right thing in saying No for now. 🌸

Cornettoninja · 01/06/2021 19:40

@Bluntness100

The OP has suggested a shorter meet up instead of a weekend break and been met with stroppiness not a compelling reason to rearrange her free time. Where’s the responsibility of her friend to meet her halfway and be considerate of her needs?

Are you just making stuff up or did you not read it properly? The op says right there in her op the friend offered a day or two. A day is not a whole weekend. She said she wouldn’t even do that and would do dinner or brunch only.

Two is a whole weekend. Why so aggressive?
Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 19:44

It’s not aggressive and one day is not a whole weekend.😂

Cornettoninja · 01/06/2021 19:52

Ok then