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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’ve upset my friend

143 replies

Amiwrongor · 01/06/2021 13:14

Been with my dp for a couple of years and shortly moving house so things are very busy for us! Alongside this trying to juggle seeing friends and lockdown easing...

One of my closest friends (from nursery days so pre dp etc) wants us to have a day or two away together but I just can’t see a free weekend over the next few months what with moving house and saying goodbye to dp/my family. We haven’t caught up for a year or so due to lockdown but I would rather we have a brunch or long meal to see each other. I think she is a bit upset about this, Aibu?!

For context friend is not local so would be some travel time to get there and back. I don’t really know what to do!

OP posts:
frankenpoodle · 01/06/2021 14:44

A day or two just for her is a lot to ask, given how busy you are preparing for a move. I'd try to compromise by meeting up for a morning or an afternoon, but if she's not satisfied by that, that's more demanding than I can accept from a friendship between adults.

Sorry, I do prioritise family and partner over friends!

lllllllllll · 01/06/2021 14:44

Do you have young children? If so then I'd say definitely YANBU. If not then maybe YABU.

Effram · 01/06/2021 14:46

YANBU. Getting sorted to move does take a lot of logistics, maybe not the whole weekend but some of every weekend and if you go away for the whole time you are then on the back foot as have to book, pack, do laundry from that trip and catch up on everything else! On top of that everyone is putting so much pressure on for social activities to catch up after the last year so there is a lot going on and it's exhausting.

I think book a day with her - a lunch but with a walk as well perhaps - soon and then put a weekend in the diary for a few months' hence when things will have settled down.

bloodyhell19 · 01/06/2021 14:46

I think you need to sit down with a calendar. DH and I sold up & moved countries within 6 weeks and still managed goodbyes etc. I understand not committing a whole weekend (I would be hard pushed to do that at the best of times) but a spa day or long lunch or whatever is very doable.

YANBU to feel overwhelmed and that meeting up just isn't going to work, but YABU to not seek a compromise or days free over the next 8 - 12 weeks.

bravotango · 01/06/2021 14:46

The answer is simple
How much do you value your friendship.

Jeez, overreaction!

YANBU OP - I don't have a free weekend between now and September either. Restrictions easing does this. Have a long lunch + walk and another lunch just before you move.

JustLyra · 01/06/2021 14:48

Christ I don’t have a weekend free of family events until late august and that’s without a house move!

It’s hardly unexpected that people have a really busy summer coming up

Lulola · 01/06/2021 14:53

Yanbu. I’m not free for a full weekend until September, and even then I have plans one of the weekends. Other people and plans got in first, I would have to cancel someone or something else which I wouldn’t want to do. There are various weddings coming up too and events postponed from last year.

Disingenousdilemma · 01/06/2021 14:53

Not sure if this is similar but you say you haven't seen her for a year or so (how long exactly?) and have a relationship two years old. Could it be that your priorities have changed? The friendship that included weekends away has now shrunk to a long lunch?

I had something similar. Very long term friendship that involved lots of trips away when she was single (I was married) that has shifted dramatically since she got married (and I was divorced). Terms of the friendship didn't change for me ie available and willing but did for her ie priority was now husband and his friends.

Now I barely see her, it's always on her terms and quite frankly I have had enough. She is currently angling to meet up which involves a weekend being entertained by me and partner at my house. Never invited to stay at hers and meeting over her way (she lives a distance away) involves lots of travel and expense to meet for a meal then come home. Definitely not a priority for her anymore.

Is something like this happening with this friendship?

Spidey66 · 01/06/2021 14:55

@Posieandpip

I don't understand. Why are you saying goodbye to your partner and family? Or are you saying that you can't imagine saying goodbye to them in order to go away with your friend?

TBH I think your reasoning is a bit... Weak? Clutching at straws? You have a boyfriend and you are 'busy' 'juggling' seeing your friends? And moving house at some point? So you have time to see the other friends you're busy juggling but not this one friend?

Do you have kids? If not I really don't see why you can't leave your boyfriend for a single day to see an old friend. Very odd.

I don't think OP is saying goodbye to her partner, just his and hers families. That was how I read it.

I think the pp suggestion of inviting her to yours on a Friday, then going for brunch the next day is the best suggestion.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 01/06/2021 14:57

Could you take a couple of days of annual leave, is that a possibility?
Could you invite her to stay overnight at yours?
Could you just explain, apologise and book a something for the first available weekend you have free, then at least she knows she has a firm date she will be seeing you?

Hadjab · 01/06/2021 14:58

@Mistressofpemberly

Omg I think some of you are extremely hard work. She can see friend just not put life on hold to do a whole weekend at the moment. I couldn’t be doing with friends who were demanding like this. Suggesting weekends away is great but expectations that you have to or lose friendship are not.
"...put life on hold to do a whole weekend..."

Aren't friends part of life?

I can see why a lot of Mnetters have no support network.

godmum56 · 01/06/2021 14:59

Yanbu and if she is a friend she will understand this

Branleuse · 01/06/2021 15:02

Not much of a support network if they get shitty with you for having stuff on.

celandiney · 01/06/2021 15:07

@godmum56

Yanbu and if she is a friend she will understand this
Maybe Op's closest friend has had a shitty year,is lonely,would like to see her best friend and if OP is a friend she should understand that? ( we don't know,do we? And we don't know what " saying goodbye to family" means either - family that have been seen regularly whenever,possible over the past year and will actually still be easily visitable post move? Or not?.)
Bellabelloo · 01/06/2021 15:07

We've been locked up for so long! All of our diaries are full. Friends and I are making plans in winter/early 2021. I don't think it's unusual at all!

Bric · 01/06/2021 15:13

I would feel exactly as you do OP. I’m a person who needs headspace and cannot handle multiple consecutive weekends of commitment. My friends know this about me though and would understand

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 15:18

I think folks aren’t reading what rhe op wrote. She didn’t say a whole weekend. It’s like someone misread and everyone jumped on it

She said a day or two. So not even a day will the op agree ro. She’s offering dinner or brunch only due to travel time., which is not specified what that is.

So she’s telling her friend she’s not even got a day for her in the next few months.

EmbarrassingMama · 01/06/2021 15:18

You can't spare one night away with your friend? Don't you like her.

That's really sad. YABU - friendships require investment too.

Cornettoninja · 01/06/2021 15:19

It’s give and take on both sides isn’t it? If she’s not prepared to compromise with a less extravagant (time and money wise) meet up then she’s not being much of a friend is she?

I really hate people who think they can pressurise and negotiate you out of your final answer. They start listing off ways they managed to make things work or prodding into how your finances are managed or your time-management skills. It’s bloody rude.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 15:20

I think though if you don’t want to dedicate any time to her then just end the friendship.I see you wrote in yout op yoire busy seeing friends due to lock down ending, so she’s clearly way down your list of priorities and she knows it.

Disingenousdilemma · 01/06/2021 15:22

@Bluntness100, that's how I read it and the DP relationship is only two years old but hasn't seen her friend for 'a year or so'.

ZenNudist · 01/06/2021 15:32

If she is an hour from you and you're happy to travel then reasonable to travel to her for brunch or lunch.

90mins to 2 hrs then you start getting into more like a weekend together.

Tbh if you can't spare any time and you are prioritising those closer to home for months on end then it sounds like she's pretty low priority to you. Probably the right time to let the friendship go. If you dont invest time in friendships they wither.

ginnybag · 01/06/2021 15:34

I have commitments on at least one day of the weekend for the foreseeable, and often both days.

One of them I could probably clear out, depending on my DH's plans for the weekend, but I would struggle to lose the other without a good deal of notice or an absolutely unavoidable reason.

The odds of me shifting both in the same weekend at less than a couple of months of notice is really very slim. And that's just my diary, and not factoring my family's wider commitments.

MaMaD1990 · 01/06/2021 15:37

YABU - you should absolutely make the time to see her.

SecretThermalsAreTheBest · 01/06/2021 15:40

Wow some of you are so high maintenance! YANBU OP...

I really struggle to find time to see my friends - definitely would NOT have time for a whole weekend away. It's partly because I have friends from lots of different circles (and struggle to fit them in as it's seeing everyone one-on-one) and partly because I'm working on building a business so am basically working all the time outside of 'work' hours.

Some people have more spare time - some people have less. If you give her the time you can manage she should understand. If you've offered brunch that's fine.

Luckily my friends are a lot more chilled than lots of you seem to be and understand that the amount you see people ebbs and flows...

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