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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’ve upset my friend

143 replies

Amiwrongor · 01/06/2021 13:14

Been with my dp for a couple of years and shortly moving house so things are very busy for us! Alongside this trying to juggle seeing friends and lockdown easing...

One of my closest friends (from nursery days so pre dp etc) wants us to have a day or two away together but I just can’t see a free weekend over the next few months what with moving house and saying goodbye to dp/my family. We haven’t caught up for a year or so due to lockdown but I would rather we have a brunch or long meal to see each other. I think she is a bit upset about this, Aibu?!

For context friend is not local so would be some travel time to get there and back. I don’t really know what to do!

OP posts:
Aprilx · 01/06/2021 13:51

Get over yourself with the “oh I am so busy”. I have moved overseas twice, to the Caribbean and to Australia another time and I was not unavailable for months because I was saying goodbye to family. You might find you need a friend one day, treating them like this is a sure way to losing them.

Branleuse · 01/06/2021 13:52

I still dont see how its that bad if someone cant organise an entire weekend away for a few months due to other life stresses such as moving house/area. Makes me grateful how easygoing all mine are. Thats just adult life imo

I cant be doing with friends being demanding

BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 13:52

Could you book a spa day?

SunnySideDownBriefly · 01/06/2021 13:52

Can you get her to come and stay the night with you? Say on a Friday night and then you just devote that evening and the Saturday to her. Gives you Sunday for packing and family. Sounds like she wants to get away but it's clear you don't have the time for that now so don't let her guilt trip you. Alternatively, book a weekend away for when you can and do a daytime thing in the meantime.

An0n0n0n · 01/06/2021 13:53

How far are you moving? Who will be travelling for your long lunch? Surely if you are moving that far it will take a whole day to get there amd back and see her?

What about meeting her more before you move?

ToWhere · 01/06/2021 13:54

You have told her that you have more important things going on in your life than catching up with her. It is not unexpected that the message didn't land well.

Womencanlift · 01/06/2021 13:55

It’s not demanding it’s prioritising. Maybe her friend wants to prioritise people she hasn’t seen for well over a year and have some quality time to catch up properly. Not just a quick meal that both have to travel too

steakandcheeseplease · 01/06/2021 14:00

I'm REALLY struggling to see my friends. Im ridiculously busy at work, my house is a complete mess, I've recently separated from my ex, I only get to spend one day a weekend with my kids because of work. I'm absolutely shattered.

My best friend keeps trying to arrange something even with kids in tow but I can't or don't want to meet up - just yet. Thankfully she gets this.

Just like I got it when two years ago I wasn't in this position and was trying to organise out annual girls holiday away, or spa days and she was struggling to find time.

Ive know her for 40 years, there has to be give and take.

OP tell your friend your swamped and when you resurface your take her some where nice

Chloemol · 01/06/2021 14:04

YABU. She’s an old friend who you now can’t make time for because you are moving!

I di t see why every weekend for the foreseeable is full, it doesn’t take long to move and vetted sorted enough for her to come and stay, or you you to go to hers

As to travel, ok you say it’s a long way, so that probably means you will be itching to leave once you get there

She’s a long standing friend, you are choosing not to spend anytime with her which is mean, unless you don’t want the friendship to continue in which case tell her

cookiecreampie · 01/06/2021 14:05

To be honest I think going away together is a lot to commit to when you've got stuff going on. But if the friendship is important to you then I think you should compromise and maybe just have a day together or drinks.

Posieandpip · 01/06/2021 14:13

I don't understand. Why are you saying goodbye to your partner and family? Or are you saying that you can't imagine saying goodbye to them in order to go away with your friend?

TBH I think your reasoning is a bit... Weak? Clutching at straws? You have a boyfriend and you are 'busy' 'juggling' seeing your friends? And moving house at some point? So you have time to see the other friends you're busy juggling but not this one friend?

Do you have kids? If not I really don't see why you can't leave your boyfriend for a single day to see an old friend. Very odd.

bpirockin · 01/06/2021 14:13

Having just lost a very dear friend after not seeing him for 18 months, I say make the time to at least spend a day together. I wish I hadn't let covid concerns stop me from seeing him when the lockdown rules were loosened.

silverbubbles · 01/06/2021 14:13

YANBU
You don't fancy seeing her for a weekend. She needs to accept this.

earminted · 01/06/2021 14:18

Might be a chance for a break in the middle of all the stress OP.

Perhaps you would really enjoy it.

UserAtRandom · 01/06/2021 14:18

I think its a big jump from a weekend away together to meeting for brunch. If you can meet for brunch, why not compromise at a whole day together? If friend is not local then surely just meeting for a meal doesn't really make much sense anyway? And if they are local enough just to meet for brunch then not sure why it's so long since you've seen them (even allowing for lockdown).

burnoutbabe · 01/06/2021 14:19

What is wrong with just having a long lunch? Arrive 11, coffee and walk then lunch, train back for 4?

I'd be knackered anyway after a year of not being sociable and then having lunch to catch up.

If she doesn't think your worth travelling for a lunch, she isn't really a good friend herself.

UserAtRandom · 01/06/2021 14:25

@burnoutbabe

What is wrong with just having a long lunch? Arrive 11, coffee and walk then lunch, train back for 4?

I'd be knackered anyway after a year of not being sociable and then having lunch to catch up.

If she doesn't think your worth travelling for a lunch, she isn't really a good friend herself.

I think it depends what OP means by "long lunch". That, to me, is not a long lunch. It's meeting up for a biggish chunk of the day. A long lunch would be literally meeting for lunch and then lingering over coffee -so maybe 2.5 hours. I'd assumed as OP had also suggested brunch, she was thinking about something that was really a quick catch up, but your suggestion might be correct!
MsSquiz · 01/06/2021 14:25

So meet in the middle between where you live and she lives and have 1 over night?
Train in the morning, lunch, shopping, whatever, dinner and drinks, 1 night on a hotel and home the next morning?

Surely that's a compromise?

NamechangeApril21 · 01/06/2021 14:31

I don't get all the responses saying YABU? If someone wanted me to go away for a whole weekend it would take me more than a couple of months to clear the time for it, because life! If they wanted to go for lunch, dinner, drinks etc (I.e. a few hours rather than a few days) then I could fit them in this week! A whole weekend away is a lot when you have your own family, job, commitments and stresses fgs.

BirthdayCakeBelly · 01/06/2021 14:33

Would have been interesting to see a vote on this.
Given there’s travelling time involved and you haven’t seen her in a year I think YABU not to prioritise one or two days for her before your move.

dancinfeet · 01/06/2021 14:35

Why are people so surprised about the OP not being able to do an overnight visit until july? I have just tried to arrange a weekend get together with a friend and we finally settled on midweek the 3rd week of august, because I have so many commitments coming up in the next couple of months. I wouldn't say I was busier than anyone else, but I wouldn't say this person is unusual.

FFSFFSFFS · 01/06/2021 14:38

Well - you are very clearly deciding and telling your friend that she is not on your list of people who are important to you to priortise.

Taliskerskye · 01/06/2021 14:39

The answer is simple
How much do you value your friendship.

Mistressofpemberly · 01/06/2021 14:43

Omg I think some of you are extremely hard work.
She can see friend just not put life on hold to do a whole weekend at the moment.
I couldn’t be doing with friends who were demanding like this. Suggesting weekends away is great but expectations that you have to or lose friendship are not.

steakandcheeseplease · 01/06/2021 14:43

@Taliskerskye

The answer is simple How much do you value your friendship.
This is really shit. maybe the OP is prioritising her family? For some people its just not that easy to book off two days with a mate. God id LOVE to do that but things are shite so I can't!