Please advise unruly toddler

[unrulytoddler]

When out in public, if my almost 1 and a half year old DD doesn't get her way, she goes absolutely nuts.

Venturing out for the first times at the moment and it's becoming increasingly clear that I don't know what to do. People look and are annoyed ( but I don't really care that they are annoyed, I'm doing my best ).

I'm trying to go with positive discipline, validating her feelings and distractions. But yesterday she just would not get back into her pram. Screamed bloody murder. She also refused to wear her hat, even though it was very sunny and she needed to. She also just had to have my Coke can and wouldn't let it go. She also refused to walk and would just throw herself on the floor.

I stayed calm, explained why she needed to wear her hat for example ' because you will get hot ' and when she was screaming and crying about it, I told her that ' I understand she's frustrated because she doesn't want to wear the hat and that's frustrating ' and tried to cuddle/comfort her.

I could not control her at all. I try to not fight every battle and only focus on important things, like wearing her hat. But it's not working.

Am I doing something wrong ? Sometimes I stay a bit silent, but I don't get angry etc. I just don't know what to do.

You're not doing anything wrong except maybe have too high expectations of a baby who's not yet 18 months.
This child was born at the start of 2020 and hasn't had a "normal" baby experience of classes or soft play or possibly even been in the company of many people.
Yes, they need to learn how to behave out of their safe home environment but mum being strong and don't get embarrassed, worried or upset and pass on your fears and you will both get there.

@Michellebops

You're not doing anything wrong except maybe have too high expectations of a baby who's not yet 18 months. This child was born at the start of 2020 and hasn't had a "normal" baby experience of classes or soft play or possibly even been in the company of many people. Yes, they need to learn how to behave out of their safe home environment but mum being strong and don't get embarrassed, worried or upset and pass on your fears and you will both get there.

Thank you. I really appreciate that. I just don't even know what's normal and what other parents do. I haven't seen another parent and their baby since last summer. So I have no idea what other toddlers are like ! I will continue. I just feel so sad when she gets so upset.

Is she the same with your husband and at nursery? If not see if different strategies work.

Form boy diaries, clear expectations and rewarding positive behaviour. It's tough but she will grow quickly.

@Countrygirl2021

Is she the same with your husband and at nursery? If not see if different strategies work.

Form boy diaries, clear expectations and rewarding positive behaviour. It's tough but she will grow quickly.

She doesn't go to nursery. She has a nanny and can be a bit like that with the nanny too. But they've been mostly at home and only going for short walks. She's literally never been out with her father yet. He works almost 7 days a week and barely sees her at the moment. So I don't know what she'd be like with him. She is with me and the nanny when I'm working.

I've had four but it was awhile ago now.

At that age I don't think I worried too much about validating their feelings, or trying to cuddle them while they were crying and thrashing about.

I picked my battles. I wouldn't have worried about the hat as it's impossible to keep a hat on a toddler if they don't want it. I'd have taken it off, stuck to the shade, reapplied sun cream, kept offering it or popping it on her head when she was distracted.

Refusing to let go of something that is not theirs, or could be dangerous. Unacceptable. I've prised fingers of such items before.

Most of all, please know that everyone else feels just like you - doing their best and hoping it's right.

And don't worry about tears or shouts of frustration. Ignore and carry on. It is a developmental stage and they need to see that tears don't automatically give them what they want.

@Countrygirl2021 my sister was here in April and she was quite ' strict ' with her. In the sense that my sis would tell her no a lot and just leave her alone to cry. Rather than the whole ' explaining their feelings and cuddling '. My sis would say ' NO you cannot hold the Coke can. You will hurt yourself ' and take it away from her. She would then let her cry on her own and just ignore her. Rather than what I try to do and give her a cuddle/ comfort her when she's upset about not getting her way.

Why not ask your nanny for advice? She probably has a lot of knowledge and experience.

@Snog

Why not ask your nanny for advice? She probably has a lot of knowledge and experience.

She's similar to me to be honest. We do the same things. Pick our battles and explain / comfort. We came up with it all together after having done some reading / research.

id suggest only short outings. Taking a buggy if she throws herself on the floor, and not stressing too much about stuff like hats.
I couldnt get mine to wear hats in summer or gloves in winter. You can get spray on scalp sunscreen if they dont have much hair, and stay in the shade in the middle of the day. This stage wont last forever

I’m not sure I’d bother to go in for the whole comforting and explaining things, she’s a year old, I’d just say no and ignore any histrionics.

She sounds like a typical toddler to me. Sometimes they can't be reasoned with, they are too little to understand

@Branleuse

id suggest only short outings. Taking a buggy if she throws herself on the floor, and not stressing too much about stuff like hats. I couldnt get mine to wear hats in summer or gloves in winter. You can get spray on scalp sunscreen if they dont have much hair, and stay in the shade in the middle of the day. This stage wont last forever

I probably set us up for failure with the hat ! That's what kicked it all off. I was worried, there was hardly any shade and I didn't want her to get too hot. I bet if I had just let it go, it would have been much easier. But she did also just want to do lots of dangerous things that I needed to stop her from doing.

She’s a baby and won’t understand your reasoning or that amount of language but challenging behaviour will thrive on the attention and pandering.
Ignore tantrums and praise her when she’s being good. If she won’t wear a hat put sun cream on her head or put a parasol on the buggy.
Be consistent and keep language simple and short “no thank you” “kind hands please.” Then ignore any ensuing screeching.

@TheGoogleMum

She sounds like a typical toddler to me. Sometimes they can't be reasoned with, they are too little to understand

Yeah I really don't think she understands my explanations anyway. Sometimes I just stay silent because I'm tired.

@AutoIncorrect

She’s a baby and won’t understand your reasoning or that amount of language but challenging behaviour will thrive on the attention and pandering. Ignore tantrums and praise her when she’s being good. If she won’t wear a hat put sun cream on her head or put a parasol on the buggy. Be consistent and keep language simple and short “no thank you” “kind hands please.” Then ignore any ensuing screeching.

That's what my mum says. Just tell her no, explain why and then let her calm down. No pandering and explaining feelings / comforting.

She doesn’t understand the reasoning. I know that you are coming from a good place but to your Dd it’s just words.
A simple ‘no’ is easier for her to understand and means you aren’t wearing yourself out with constant explanations.

Does she socialise much with other children?

It’s a tough age!

@Seesawmummadaw

She doesn’t understand the reasoning. I know that you are coming from a good place but to your Dd it’s just words. A simple ‘no’ is easier for her to understand and means you aren’t wearing yourself out with constant explanations.

Does she socialise much with other children?

It’s a tough age!

I think you're right ! It's also very tiring !

No not at all with other children. I've signed up to a toddler group I want to start taking her to at the weekend.

She likes going to the playground and seeing other children. We've not been many times, but she's really interested in other children. It's so sweet. But so far I have not seen another toddler have her kind of breakdowns in public !

Your child is not unruly for goodness sake. She is a baby.

Toddlers are unruly, irrational and massively unreasonable by nature. It's totally normal.

My niece is the only child I've ever met who was positively angelic and easy. That was very much NOT the norm and certainly wasn't my experience with my own child!

If people stare, it's probably only because they're feeling sorry for you!

Just prepare yourself for the fact that this is probably going to continue for a while!

Some kids really don't like hats. Just find another way to protect from sun.
At one she won't understand the logic.
Keep it simple

Or play inside wearing hats
copy mummy.
Hat on hat off game.
Toddlers watch and learn by imitation
Are you wearing a hat?

At 18 months, i would definitely say pick your battles. Decide your non-negotiables and stick to that. Keep to smaller, more manageable trips out at first. Ensure hunger/thirst/ sleep is all taken care of as that obviously makes everything worse. The hat i would let go and try to work around it by seeking shade etc...explaining once is good, i think, but once they are in their limbic system reaction ie full tantrum, there is not much you can do (primitive brain taking control, rather than frontal cortex- i think that's right, long tine since i looked at this). Sometimes you have to let them cry it out or sometimes a quick, timely distraction will work and catch them before they go into it.

Ignore the stares. We have all been there. If they never go out, they will never learn.

When your LO gets older, you will be able to reason with them more and it will get easier. Good luck.

Is there any way for you to meet other local parents and toddlers? A parents Facebook group or forum? Playgroups can be quite overwhelming but arranging to meet someone in the park can be really nice. And once you’ve seen a few more toddlers being toddlers close up you’ll realise they can all be hard work and probably feel better!

Both of my children have survived without wearing hats.

She is a toddler, acting like a toddler. You don't try to negotiate or reason with a toddler. You just say no. A lot.

The ignoring strategy is best. I ignored a lot of DS1 toddler tantrums because I was too busy and didn't have the patience for it whilst also caring for a newborn baby. With DS2, I did try to give in a bit more/be a bit nicer. But in all honesty, he was an absolute nightmare. I wish I'd ignored more of it.

She is too young for reasoning.

You are mum and at this age she needs to learn that you set the boundaries.

My daughter is one for kicking up a fuss and like you I pick my battles. I gave up with hats because she just won't wear one. I did have one that I could tie on, that lasted until she figured out how to untie it.

I've been stricter with going in the buggy as that's a safety thing. Basically she either walks or goes in the buggy.

When she protests I found singing try not to get worried from Jesus Christ superstar helped her calm down 🤷🏼‍♀️

I also pick her up with my hand between her legs. As I put her in I grab that strap. She can't wriggle out then either.

@reader12

Is there any way for you to meet other local parents and toddlers? A parents Facebook group or forum? Playgroups can be quite overwhelming but arranging to meet someone in the park can be really nice. And once you’ve seen a few more toddlers being toddlers close up you’ll realise they can all be hard work and probably feel better!

Thank you ! I'm part of a parents group and have mentioned a couple of things, but no one is saying their toddler does the same haha. I need to just meet up with them. But all of them have moved away, which does make it harder. But yeah I need some mum friends desperately.