Please advise unruly toddler

[unrulytoddler]

When out in public, if my almost 1 and a half year old DD doesn't get her way, she goes absolutely nuts.

Venturing out for the first times at the moment and it's becoming increasingly clear that I don't know what to do. People look and are annoyed ( but I don't really care that they are annoyed, I'm doing my best ).

I'm trying to go with positive discipline, validating her feelings and distractions. But yesterday she just would not get back into her pram. Screamed bloody murder. She also refused to wear her hat, even though it was very sunny and she needed to. She also just had to have my Coke can and wouldn't let it go. She also refused to walk and would just throw herself on the floor.

I stayed calm, explained why she needed to wear her hat for example ' because you will get hot ' and when she was screaming and crying about it, I told her that ' I understand she's frustrated because she doesn't want to wear the hat and that's frustrating ' and tried to cuddle/comfort her.

I could not control her at all. I try to not fight every battle and only focus on important things, like wearing her hat. But it's not working.

Am I doing something wrong ? Sometimes I stay a bit silent, but I don't get angry etc. I just don't know what to do.

You need to not be scared for it to go badly initially. Kids hate doing what they are told, but they also thrive when they have boundaries. It's like getting them to brush their teeth, take their Medicine or have a jab, saying no is not going to be pleasant for you or them, but it is vital. They need "no" and they need a little whinge about it too, but those boundaries protect them, keep them safe and will become their internal rules which they take through them in life so that they don't grab things off people or run in the road or whatever. Boundaries are the big safety blanket we wrap around them until they are old enough to protect themselves. They are not punitive they are nurture. So even though it's horrible to see them sad when they've been told off, when we try to comfort them in that we do them a dis-service. Because at first they only know "mummy told me off" and then that becomes "mummy told me off to keep me safe" and then "I am going to do this to keep myself safe, just like mum told me."

@ZoeMaye

You need to not be scared for it to go badly initially. Kids hate doing what they are told, but they also thrive when they have boundaries. It's like getting them to brush their teeth, take their Medicine or have a jab, saying no is not going to be pleasant for you or them, but it is vital. They need "no" and they need a little whinge about it too, but those boundaries protect them, keep them safe and will become their internal rules which they take through them in life so that they don't grab things off people or run in the road or whatever. Boundaries are the big safety blanket we wrap around them until they are old enough to protect themselves. They are not punitive they are nurture. So even though it's horrible to see them sad when they've been told off, when we try to comfort them in that we do them a dis-service. Because at first they only know "mummy told me off" and then that becomes "mummy told me off to keep me safe" and then "I am going to do this to keep myself safe, just like mum told me."

Brilliant post! I love this!

You will one day sit and laugh together over some of these epic battles-honestly.

In the meantime. Go out when she isn’t tired or hungry. Use distraction to prevent problems so you can miraculously produce a bag of carrot sticks or a fave teddy etc. Say no and mean it. Be kind but don’t over explain or plead - offer a cuddle but aim to move on. I wouldnt even bother with a hat as long as sunscreen is on. Keep it simple and don’t worry. Some days will end with a tantrum And a fireman lift home. Some toddlers are super calm and some are all fireworks - it all evens out eventually.

A baby that young/small doesn't have any choice about getting back in the pram; you ignore the screams pick her up and strap her in. Nor does she have a choice about your coke can (or anything else you don't want her to touch/hold); you just take it away from her and keep it out of her reach.

Don't waste your breath on rational explanations about why we wear sun hats; she's too young to discuss and debate. If she won't wear the hat , walk in the shade. If she won't walk, put her in the pram.

Sounds just like my 18mo.
While I do explain things to him I don't really expect him to understand most of what I'm saying just yet. So I would take the coke can away and tell him why. However, I would expect a tantrum to follow so would distract, distract, distract! This might be "Oh, hey, did you see the dog", or "I'm going on the slide, are you coming?".
My DS has a real hatred of the buggy at times. I've just ordered a buggy board on Amazon and think this will suit him well. If he really won't get in the buggy but needs to I'll bribe him with some fruit or a chocolate button. Same goes for the car seat.
Try not to take it personally if people watch when your little one is having a tantrum, they're probably just curious rather than being judgemental. All toddlers tantrum (several times a day!) and every parent knows this all too well.

An 18m old is still a baby. At that age they don’t understand and more often than not a tantrum is because they’re overstimulated, hungry or tired. It is much easier to establish firm boundaries with a 1yo than it is with a 3yo who is much bigger. They will cry and moan but it’s very normal.

My DS is around the same age and I say No firmly and also make a sign for it and a stern face and he absolutely knows that no means no. I did the same with his big brother. He will obviously push boundaries and eventually try again but does understand that he is not allowed it.

I think I always look at the reasons for a tantrum, is it because they are overtired or fed up of being stuck in a carseat or pram. If so then are either of us actually enjoying the trip out..should we just go home and get a proper nap?

Sometimes they are just a bit moany and realistically no matter how much you explain/distract they are going to tantrum so you may as well let them get on with it. Ignore anyone giving you looks, nothing you can realistically do can stop them being angry. And then once they have calmed down you can comfort them.

With the refusing to get in the pram, she is one, you have to just put her in the pram if she needs to go in the pram. If she's throwing herself on the ground then she needs to go in the pram. With the hat you literally can't keep it on their head if they don't want it on. Best thing you can do is put it on at start of trip, she will eventually get over it.

My 2 year old does this in shops and it was mortifying to me at first, I left my shopping and just went once it was so bad but I just stand and wait for her to finish her tantrum now, ignore anyone around me (although the majority have been sympathetic luckily), since doing that I've found she's nowhere near as bad, she doesn't get a reaction from me which I think makes a difference? Who knows, but you're certainly not alone

I suffered from sun stroke as a child and insisted my daughter wore a hat. She had a choice she could wear the hat or we went home. At 18 months I had tie on hats.

At 6 my daughter will automatically grab a hat before running outside.

I would enforce your boundary i.e. take Coke can away, quick cuddle to validate her emotion and then distracted her with tiys, tickles etc.

[quote unrulytoddler]@Countrygirl2021 my sister was here in April and she was quite ' strict ' with her. In the sense that my sis would tell her no a lot and just leave her alone to cry. Rather than the whole ' explaining their feelings and cuddling '. My sis would say ' NO you cannot hold the Coke can. You will hurt yourself ' and take it away from her. She would then let her cry on her own and just ignore her. Rather than what I try to do and give her a cuddle/ comfort her when she's upset about not getting her way. [/quote]
That sounds fair enough to me.
Pointless all the explaining.
Shes pissed off you took the can away , thats perfectly normal.
You know she might cut herself guzzle coke

Shes expressing her feelings.
I just let them carry on, murmur oh dear every now and again 😂
But I didnt try to stop them at 18 months.
Its a phase, if it gets too bad just avoid stressful situations for a bit.
We have all exited left with a toddler under our arm.
Ps best tip is not to look for other peoples reactions, head down .

I really don't think you're doing anything wrong as such. A baby of that age won't really understand your explanations or validating, though. The physical comfort and kind words are what matter. The hat thing - mine were nightmares too. Have you tried a hat you can tie under the chin?

Toddlers aren’t reasonable. I remember my niece throwing a fit because my DD had an imaginary blue present and my niece has imagined her own in red and wanted a blue one instead!
Pick your battles, sometimes you have to insist (must sit in car seat), try to avoid the horrors of over tiredness!

don't explain. Just do. I've one the same age myself. I can't reason with him because he's a baby. He does what he wants and I have to stop him if necessary

She's too young for the whole I-know-you're-frustrated-but routine that pops up on social media like BigLittleFeelings on Instagram. It's only just working on my 2.5 year old. My strategy was like your sister's. No, take it away, and then ignore until the tantrum becomes a grump and then stops. If in public e.g. a shop I just hoik DS up and march him out.

If it helps, remember that if something was taken from you that you wanted you would be frustrated too. It's completely OK that she's frustrated. Give her the time and space to let it out.

You are expecting way too much verbal comprehension and emotional regulation from a baby.

No she can’t have your coke can, it’s sharp/she’ll spill it. Take it off her, ignore tears, distract (“look, a squirrel” is actually a great technique for toddlers).

Hat goes on or buggy hood goes up, one or the other. No arguments. Hat is put on again and again until they give up.

Lying on floor - DS still does that aged 4 (less frequently). I pick him up and carry him somewhere safe, then ignore him and wait for him to get bored. Say “when you have calmed down a bit and finished crying, come in here and we can do Fun Thing”.

Is your DD overtired/are you expecting too much in one day? DS’s mood was always far worse in the evenings when he was tired, if we had had a long day out, or if he missed a nap.

At that age they are too young for long explanations. You can just pick them up and strap them in the pram. If they cry, well, so what. With my dc at that age, if they take off the hat I put them in the pram immediately. They soon learned. I'm in Australia though, it's very unsafe to be without a hat in summer here so there is no other option.

@unrulytoddler can I just say that I totally agree with and support the way you’re dealing with this. Waiting it out, validating her feelings, waiting for her to calm and offering a cuddle etc. Reasoning won’t work, but being a calm, supportive parent will. People say ‘just say no’ but they don’t understand why ‘no’ either. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job. X

But they learn ‘why no’ don’t they. It’s when they don’t learn this that you have problems as they get bigger.
Validating her feelings is fine but giving in to them, or assuming she knows what bets for herself isn’t. She’s not old enough to be reasoned with. You can validate her emotions and explain why your doing things (in simple, straightforward language) but you still have to actually enforce what you want done.
Some things are not worth the battle. I wouldn’t worry about the hat for example but things that are for her safety (car seats) and well being (no coke cans) are not negotiable.

And sometimes they don’t actually need to understand why at this age. They just need to understand no.

@Smartiepants79 we parent differently and that’s okay.

My dd used to rage so much about being in her buggy that she used to pull the buggy hood off and hand it to me! I just used to say thanks, put it in the basket and carry on pushing!! She hated it that buggy with a passion but she needed to go in it to stay safe, so that’s where she had to go. No huge explanations. No apologies! She was a huge fan of arching her back too. Oh the joys of a toddler! It did pass. Hang on OP! You’ll be laughing about these incidents in 10 years time!

Thanks everyone for your comments. It's been really really useful hearing experiences and understanding I'm not alone. I've not seen many toddlers my DD's age have tantrums in public. Not the way she has been having them.

I've seen slightly older children having tantrums and then been horrified by parents shouting and/ or hitting them.

I think with DD, a deep breath.. a slightly sterner NO. A shorter explanation and a shorter validation of her feelings will be OK. Something like :

Me : NO you can't have the coke can.
Me: tries to distract
If distraction fails :
DD : Proceeds to tantrum and cry and scream
Me: You're sad and angry now because you can't have the Coke can.. and then leave her to cry and be angry while saying something like ' oh no you're sad and angry ' ' it will pass ' in a calm voice, whilst also trying to distract her.

If she refuses to get into the pram, I'll tell her:

OK, you want to walk.. let's walk together.

If she then refuses to walk and throws herself on the floor, I force her into her pram whilst trying to distract ( if distraction fails ):

Me: you need to go in your pram now. You're sad and angry.

The end

Still too many words haha ?

@OnlyToWin

My dd used to rage so much about being in her buggy that she used to pull the buggy hood off and hand it to me! I just used to say thanks, put it in the basket and carry on pushing!! She hated it that buggy with a passion but she needed to go in it to stay safe, so that’s where she had to go. No huge explanations. No apologies! She was a huge fan of arching her back too. Oh the joys of a toddler! It did pass. Hang on OP! You’ll be laughing about these incidents in 10 years time!

Omg she arches her back too ! She's also physically really strong and actually quite hard to restrain into the pram

It kept me fit!