Please advise unruly toddler

[unrulytoddler]

When out in public, if my almost 1 and a half year old DD doesn't get her way, she goes absolutely nuts.

Venturing out for the first times at the moment and it's becoming increasingly clear that I don't know what to do. People look and are annoyed ( but I don't really care that they are annoyed, I'm doing my best ).

I'm trying to go with positive discipline, validating her feelings and distractions. But yesterday she just would not get back into her pram. Screamed bloody murder. She also refused to wear her hat, even though it was very sunny and she needed to. She also just had to have my Coke can and wouldn't let it go. She also refused to walk and would just throw herself on the floor.

I stayed calm, explained why she needed to wear her hat for example ' because you will get hot ' and when she was screaming and crying about it, I told her that ' I understand she's frustrated because she doesn't want to wear the hat and that's frustrating ' and tried to cuddle/comfort her.

I could not control her at all. I try to not fight every battle and only focus on important things, like wearing her hat. But it's not working.

Am I doing something wrong ? Sometimes I stay a bit silent, but I don't get angry etc. I just don't know what to do.

In rage my dd who was 3 threw my phone over the pool balcony once when we was watching her sister swim. It narrowly missed the pool and another child and didn't smash the screen thankfully. If she doesn't wanna go in pram she doesn't wanna go in the pram. We got rid of ours at 2 anyways

You may find this link useful raisedgood.com/toddlers-meltdowns-brain-development-ditch-traditional-discipline/#:~:text=Compassion%20and%20empathetic%20guidance%20help,soothe%20and%20empathize%20is%20established.

It is positive parenting/ attachment parenting approach which is a personal choice but i found it worked well though we weren't full attachment parents as i found my husband and i needed more boundaries.

@Christmasfairy2020

In rage my dd who was 3 threw my phone over the pool balcony once when we was watching her sister swim. It narrowly missed the pool and another child and didn't smash the screen thankfully. If she doesn't wanna go in pram she doesn't wanna go in the pram. We got rid of ours at 2 anyways

Haha oh wow. Well I definitely don't feel alone anymore. Thank you. I tried to let her walk when she didn't want to go in the pram, but she just kept throwing herself on the floor.

I think part of the issue is that you are using too many words. I would say no, cuddle to calm down and the shortest of explanations. Re Hat...did you have a hat on? Our son more readily wore a hat when my husband or I had one on...in both winter and summer

I suppose the ones giving you annoyed looks had/have are going to have little Saints for kids with complete social etiquette and impeccable manners..

What you've just described seems like a perfectly normal 18 month old baby.
If she was 8 and throwing tins around the supermarket I'd agree it is unruly.

@Sunshinebunshine

I think part of the issue is that you are using too many words. I would say no, cuddle to calm down and the shortest of explanations. Re Hat...did you have a hat on? Our son more readily wore a hat when my husband or I had one on...in both winter and summer

I wasn't wearing a hat !

Totally normal toddler behaviour.
Don't bother with long explanations or validation. Recognise the behaviour for what it is, reward the good, ignore/deflect the bad.
Sun hats suck. They're hot and itchy. Play in the shade/limit your time in direct sun. I used to dress DD in long sleeves rather than battle over suncream.
I used to find always telling DD what was happening soon was a good way to prep her for the transition between doing something - personally I wasn't above bribery either. There was always a box of raisins for a good girl

I’ve been taking a similar approach to you OP, and I’m finding that the tantrums have gotten less explosive over the last 6 months (DD is almost 2) and she tends to get over her tantrums quicker than she did at 18 months.
Still plenty of whinging and tantrums though but we seem to be going in the right direction.
I tend to let her throw herself on the floor and get over the worst of it, then pick her up and do the explaining/acknowledge feelings bit after she’s calmed down a little.
I think the most important thing is to stick to your guns so they don’t learn that tantrums are an effective way to get what they want. And as you say, pick your battles.

This definitely sounds normal! Mine was exactly the same and is just now easing up on the tantrums aged 3.5!

It sounds like you're doing the right thing - pick your battles, stay patient, try distraction to avoid tantrums, and ignore anyone staring haha.

At this age, they're developing their own opinions, but don't have the communication or emotional control to fully express themselves yet, hence the tantrums. She'll grow out of it eventually

I think dc is a bit young for explanations and validating feelings.

'No, dangerous' and remove the can. Then ignore the tantrum as best you can, trying to distract by talking about something else.

When she is 3 I would be offering more explanation and understanding but she is too young just now. That's the frustrating bit for them, they know what they want to do yet can't understand why they can't do it. It will pass. And I am sure many people noticing will be sympathising.

Mine is the same age as yours, not yet talking and I can confidently say ‘no’ and ‘eh eh eh’ are the only words they understand. I totally get where you’re coming from with the trying to reason with them as that’s how you’re told to deal with a tantrum but in reality, when they don’t have a clue what you’re saying how will they understand your reasoning.

Said child was carried out of park being held upside down yesterday as it was the only way to get them to leave without causing a massive scene 🤣

[quote unrulytoddler]@Countrygirl2021 my sister was here in April and she was quite ' strict ' with her. In the sense that my sis would tell her no a lot and just leave her alone to cry. Rather than the whole ' explaining their feelings and cuddling '. My sis would say ' NO you cannot hold the Coke can. You will hurt yourself ' and take it away from her. She would then let her cry on her own and just ignore her. Rather than what I try to do and give her a cuddle/ comfort her when she's upset about not getting her way. [/quote]
I am 100% with your sister! My number 1 rule when mine were toddlers was never pander to a tantrum. I just ignored them then gave a cuddle after. Never, ever give in to a tantrum either. I have friends/family who I watched give in to tantrums time and time again, they thought they were doing it for an easy life. Guess who's dc's were the ones still having tantrums as 5yo's? Sticking by your guns is tough in the beginning but it pays off.

Bit too much explaining and validating I think - she's too young to understand it all , it'll just sound like noise to her! Pick your battles, perhaps be a bit firmer when it's something important , try not to let her be the boss lol. Seriously you're doing fine, chin up

My youngest is the same age OP and it all sounds very normal to me! This was my least favourite stage with eldest (now 5). It gets easier.

I doubt people are judging you, if they're looking over it is probably in sympathy! Most parents have been there, promise.

Your sentences are too long and overloaded with information for an 18 month old to comprehend.
What she is seeing is that screaming/shouting = lots of words and a cuddle.

@OppsUpsSide

Your sentences are too long and overloaded with information for an 18 month old to comprehend. What she is seeing is that screaming/shouting = lots of words and a cuddle.

Hahah it's so true isn't it !

@OppsUpsSide

Your sentences are too long and overloaded with information for an 18 month old to comprehend. What she is seeing is that screaming/shouting = lots of words and a cuddle.

She's also learning screaming and shouting = me getting my way

She’s still really little.

I used to used the “ah-ah!” Noise which would stop DS in his tracks a bit better and sometimes follow it with no. Use distraction where you can and pick your battles.

she's 1.5 years old for crying out loud.
no need for explanations, say no, then act.
simple

Regards sun hat, for us it helped to buy hats with her favourite animals and then let her chose which one to wear. My daughter would have been ~15 months and also kept throwing hats on the floor, until I bought one that had cats ears on them. She didn’t want to take it off ever :D And then I kept saying every day “yes, a hat on so the sun doesn’t bite”.
Have to make sure she’s fed and slept enough, but honestly there are stages when nothing works and you just have to keep calm and remember that this will pass.

Do you use reins? They can be so useful with a stroppy toddler.
They either stop them completely hitting the deck when throwing themselves down, or very useful for getting them back up when they are flailing about on the floor.

Keep the two side straps attached to the pushchair- they are expecting you to get their arms back in the harness, whereas you have already secured them via the reins

they also keep you within a foot of mischief.

There really is no 'having a convo' with a toddler

You sound frightened of the tantrums and worried about other people’s reactions. You really don’t need to be.
A: it’s no one else’s business
B: we’ve all been there
C: your dd is allowed to be cross but it doesn’t mean she needs to be given in to or pacified constantly.

You are the parent, you decide the boundaries, you teach her to observe them. She can protest as much as she likes, that’s ok she’s a toddler it’s what they do, but the adults are in charge.

There is no reasoning with toddlers, your sisters approach sounds similar to mine. I set the boundary, and if they chose to cry and shout and moan because they don't like it, then that's what they do. I don't try and negotiate with them, although I do try and distract them

@ZoeMaye

There is no reasoning with toddlers, your sisters approach sounds similar to mine. I set the boundary, and if they chose to cry and shout and moan because they don't like it, then that's what they do. I don't try and negotiate with them, although I do try and distract them

Yeah it does make sense and to be honest, it stopped the tantrums from escalating as much. Because she wasn't getting the extra attention. However I don't know if that would work now, as my sister was doing this in April. But I'll try.

With the hat I would have just put the hat away, liberally applied suncream and tried to keep her in the shade. You can't force her to wear the hat and you can't stop her from taking it off.

The coke can is a case of "no you can't have it", prise it off her and don't let her have it back. So what if she screams 🤷‍♀️

With the buggy you put the break on and get them in, hold them down with one hand and strap them in. This gets easier with practice. So what if she screams 🤷‍♀️

With refusing to walk, okay fine, time to get in the buggy then. Strap her in as previously mentioned ^. So what if she screams 🤷‍♀️

I think you can see my theme here 😂 toddlers scream and cry and tantrum. Its just what they do.

Don't worry about people staring, they have either been there, done that and feel your pain or they've never had kids and are in for shock if they ever do