Immediate thoughts on this life-never satisfied.

[Toddlerdoesntlisten]

I have a friend who lives abroad, doors down from fields/woods and the beach. Average but nice house with garden, en suite, balcony. Not wealthy but ok and doesn’t have to work, stays at home with toddler Dd.
Has cleaners once per week.
Spends her days doing play dates, teaching/playing with her Dd, shopping, going to the beach and for coffees/lunch with Dd.

Immediate thoughts on this life, how does it sound to you?

@Toddlerdoesntlisten

She goes on regular play dates with other mums, her partner works normal hours and no weekends. After work they go to the beach, have bbqs, eat out etc. She’s happy I think, but, never seems completely satisfied with her life, to me as an onlooker sat in the rain most days and having to work, it looks the perfect life! I don’t see why she isn’t happier or appreciated it more, if that makes sense?

Believe me, I have been a SAHM expat wife . It is not the utopia it appears to be. It's a very 50s lifestyle in the worst possible way. My self -esteem was destroyed, my education seemed a waste and I felt completely useless.

Oh, also relying on your DH for money is the absolute WORST.

Sounds nice

But then she has “friends” like you

So perhaps not so good?

Sounds dull to me

But you can never know what is really going on with someone.

The life you see is often only the tip of the iceberg.

@Sometimesfraught82 ? I’m not saying anything awful at all? I think her life looks fantastic! But realise from people’s comments it might not always be the case

I think it is common to feel unhappy in a life that when judged superficially by outsiders looks good.

@Ideasplease322 It’s not a materialistic life, in terms of, friends here have larger houses, nicer cars etc, it’s more the lifestyle and time and slower pace, sun and beauty around her that looks wonderful to me

[quote Toddlerdoesntlisten]@Sometimesfraught82 ? I’m not saying anything awful at all? I think her life looks fantastic! But realise from people’s comments it might not always be the case[/quote]
You are a board, chastising her for not giving the impression that she is happy enough living a life that you would love. It's pretty mean spirited.

Eh? Staying at home with a toddler isn’t a doss or comparable to retirement. You are constantly ‘on’, never able to fully relax. You’re not at work contributing to society so society completely devalues what you do, as seen by some attitudes on here.
The play-dates and coffee dates are probably keeping her sane, but will never be a proper break, which people think she doesn’t need because she’s not even really working. I had a similar set up when mine were young and I often felt sad, ashamed and invisible, despite being very grateful for what I had. When you’re at home with kids, people treat you like you’re on holiday, although as more people have experienced the 24/7 reality during the pandemic, this attitude might change. Depends on the personalities of your children too.

Hard physical work in the workplace is 100x easier mentally, because people listen to you, you get a proper break, you’re not without adult company for vast stretches of the day and you get some respect.

Motherhood shouldn’t be like this. We evolved in tribal societies.
What your friend has might seem idyllic, but it’s also incredibly isolating if you don’t have regular family support.

As someone with a toddler DD, I can honestly say ghastly. I love her dearly and we have a lovely time at the weekends... and then I am thrilled to get back to work!

@FourTeaFallOut I genuinely don’t mean it in a mean spirited way, it’s something I would love and can now see that perhaps there’s more going on that I possibly don’t know about, which makes me sad.

[quote Toddlerdoesntlisten]@Ideasplease322 It’s not a materialistic life, in terms of, friends here have larger houses, nicer cars etc, it’s more the lifestyle and time and slower pace, sun and beauty around her that looks wonderful to me[/quote]
You have a very simple view of what makes people happy.

When you go on holiday you see somewhere beautiful and think life must be magical for people who live there.

But they still have ups and downs - still experience sadness and loneliness and boredom. Life still involves a lot of boring nonsense - people still have health struggles and financial problems and relationship ups and downs.

I have a friend who lives a lovely part of Australia. She says the nicely wore off after about six months. It’s just home now.

I’d be bored and lonely. Tried being SAHM in similar circumstances in the UK, hated it so much I became ill. Knowing that in theory others would be grateful, and that they would judge, made it worse.

IME with primary aged children it was a complete doss, but we aren’t all natural dossers.

Posting about your friend to garner opinion on an anonymous forum
I don’t know
I just can’t imagine doing it or my friends doing it about me

Each to their own

Perhaps she is satisfied? How would you know? If she were talking about how wonderful her life is constantly she wouldn't be great company.

Also she will still have mum guilt and the usual parenting worries. And the cooking, tidying, boring parts of being a parent too.

Being content and not hoping for more is very difficult. I try to be grateful and content with the good in my life. Doesn't mean there aren't things I would change.

I live abroad and have a similar lifestyle to your friend except I work 3 days a week. I love my toddler to bits but the 2 days I'm alone with him are the hardest of the week and I would have a nervous breakdown if I had to do that 5 days a week!

Does her toddler actually go shopping/to restaurants with her without having tantrums? Maybe you just don't see the hard drudgery part.

Sounds a bit boring to me, but to the right person would be idyllic.

I was a SAHM and hated it, I find toddlers dull and hard work. So it doesn't sound nice to me. Also I wouldn't want to rely on a man for money.

Now if I was independently wealthy and didn't have to work and had no young kids, that would be ideal!

Sounds lovely for a while, but i think long term wothout structure and purpose it wouldnt be as idyllic.
Does she get time to not be a parent and to be part of a community or have professional fulfillment?

Surely it depends on your personality

It sounds a rather nice life to me.

@Roonerspismed It does to me 😂

Sounds like she’s got it all.
Lucky woman.

@Branleuse A similar amount as I do at weekend, I guess? Dh gives me one lie in (him the other) hour or two out I think?
Work wise, she hasn’t worked since her Dd but did all her life previously

Sounds nice so long as she gets time to herself, intellectual stimulation in terms of learning (maybe the language?), perhaps some volunteering and a decent circle of friends so she's not isolated.
In an ideal world she'd have some kind of fallback plan if any part of the lifestyle falls apart.