People who monologue rather than having a conversation?

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My sister does this. A lot.

We went for dinner and when I politely asked about it (I responded to something she was saying and looked affronted, and replied “can I finish please?”) to which I reminded her that it was a conversation, not a lecture/monologue... she very firmly replied that no she wasn’t monologuing, but nevertheless carried on and in.

Sadly I think our relationship is pretty non existent anyway (or at least headed that way) - she has a rigidity of thinking where she just won’t accept or tolerate other people’s different opinions.

Anyone have any advice?

Urgh these people are just the worst ones to have to spend time with. Utterly tedious. The lack of awareness never ceases to amaze me either. I guess their need to hold court and bore everybody to tears, and the reliance on people being too polite to mention it, is greater than most people's desire to converse more equally with them. There used to be this old gent in a pub I used to work in - he was an extremely well respected local man and everybody would want to chat to him. He'd made it to nearly 100 and would still make it in to the pub for a half every lunchtime. He was as sharp as a tack and actually a very interesting and interested man. However, you'd get some gobshites thinking he'd be a soft target and he just used to say to them, in his polite way, 'Sorry, I'm just going to stop you there. I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time and listening to you isn't something I'd like to do'. It doesn't sound like much written down but it was quite wonderful to witness. I think more of us should let these people know that their behaviour is not ok.

I have a "friend" like this. I quite literally cried with frustration on the way home from our last meet up. We've known each other since we were kids and she's got worse with each passing year. I'd drop her like a rock at this point if it weren't for the fact we're sort of a little trio with another old school friend and it would be awkward for her. This other friend also recognises the monologuing, but for some reason she thinks it's funny and a "personality quirk". I just think it's fucking rude and makes her an extremely bad friend.

Out last meet up was just the two of us since our other friend was busy. She literally talked at me for 4 hours. I probably spoke for less than 5 minutes total. If I ever do manage to get a word in, she starts to interrupt after just a few seconds. If I make a point of battling to continue my story, she will talk loudly over the top of me for as long as it takes until I stop speaking or finish what I'm saying. I mean quite literally for 30-60 seconds she will just speak over me when I am in the middle of saying something. If I make a point of looking around the room, checking my watch, visibly disengaging etc, she doesn't even seem to notice. I think if I blurted out some huge, dramatic news in the middle of her monologue she wouldn't bat an eyelid. She is also very loud and a bit childish. She will guffaw and shriek loudly at something silly that she thinks is hilarious, and never notices that this attracts stares from other people in the restaurant or bar. When I just look blankly at her out of embarrassment, she doesn't register this and continues to make a big scene, laughing her head off.

I have realised that I hate spending time with her. She makes me angry and I don't enjoy her company. If I could realistically remain friends with my other friend whilst severing this relationship, I'd do it in a flash. She's selfish and rude. I have had a really shit 12 months with fertility issues and am currently pregnant again, although not feeling very hopeful after our recent experiences. I had actually intended to share some of this with her when we met up as we haven't told anybody and I've been feeling like maybe some support would be good. But I honestly didn't have a single opportunity to say anything, and I know that even if I had she would have somehow immediately brought the conversation back round to herself.

It's getting to the point that I might have to risk both friendships for the sake of my sanity.

I usually feel comfortable around people who talk a lot as I can be quite shy but when I start to feel drained and wishing I could speak that’s when I’m with someone like that.

I remember once at an after party at uni I ended up sitting next to this man for hours and he talked and talked. I think I was too tired or drunk to really try move away. I remember saying to him after listening to so much about his life that I knew a lot about him but he knew nothing about me. He paused for an awkward minute and then continued on talking about himself.

@IWantT0BreakFree

I have a "friend" like this. I quite literally cried with frustration on the way home from our last meet up. We've known each other since we were kids and she's got worse with each passing year. I'd drop her like a rock at this point if it weren't for the fact we're sort of a little trio with another old school friend and it would be awkward for her. This other friend also recognises the monologuing, but for some reason she thinks it's funny and a "personality quirk". I just think it's fucking rude and makes her an extremely bad friend.

Out last meet up was just the two of us since our other friend was busy. She literally talked at me for 4 hours. I probably spoke for less than 5 minutes total. If I ever do manage to get a word in, she starts to interrupt after just a few seconds. If I make a point of battling to continue my story, she will talk loudly over the top of me for as long as it takes until I stop speaking or finish what I'm saying. I mean quite literally for 30-60 seconds she will just speak over me when I am in the middle of saying something. If I make a point of looking around the room, checking my watch, visibly disengaging etc, she doesn't even seem to notice. I think if I blurted out some huge, dramatic news in the middle of her monologue she wouldn't bat an eyelid. She is also very loud and a bit childish. She will guffaw and shriek loudly at something silly that she thinks is hilarious, and never notices that this attracts stares from other people in the restaurant or bar. When I just look blankly at her out of embarrassment, she doesn't register this and continues to make a big scene, laughing her head off.

I have realised that I hate spending time with her. She makes me angry and I don't enjoy her company. If I could realistically remain friends with my other friend whilst severing this relationship, I'd do it in a flash. She's selfish and rude. I have had a really shit 12 months with fertility issues and am currently pregnant again, although not feeling very hopeful after our recent experiences. I had actually intended to share some of this with her when we met up as we haven't told anybody and I've been feeling like maybe some support would be good. But I honestly didn't have a single opportunity to say anything, and I know that even if I had she would have somehow immediately brought the conversation back round to herself.

It's getting to the point that I might have to risk both friendships for the sake of my sanity.

Oh man, this sounds absolutely hideous. What on earth is it with these people? Best of luck with your pregnancy, I wish you very well. No doubt your 'friend' will go on and on about not being told about it until the baby is born. Then would be the perfect time to tell her that her head is so far up her arse that her ears are permanently closed off to anyone who might still want to talk to her.

My BIL does this and it's really annoying. He does it one-on-one and in bigger groups. In a group of more than 2, if he is monologuing mainly to one person, he gives a filthy look if I try to start up a different conversation with another person. My DHs family have a few people who do this so I think they just did not learn the art of conversation growing up. Their father would have been a monologuer in his younger days. I have used it as a way to demonstrate to my kids how NOT to have a conversation.

@crimsonlake

Why do we put up with people who do this? If we are forced to sit and politely nod and listen to their endless monologue, but when we try to get a word in edgeways they go all suddenly disinterested? A woman at work does this to me...endless chat about what she did over the weekend, in depth description of each meal she cooked etc. Never asks me a question, just wants to talk about 'me,me,me, herself' When I try to interject with something she looks totally disinterested and I can cannot wait to turn the conversation back to herself.

Yes why do we put up with it?

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with them?

I worked with someone like this. Not only did she talk constantly, uses more words that she needed to she would interrupt others conversation to talk about herself, her husband, her sons, where she has worked, on and on. She didnt know one single thing about anyone because she talked and never listened.

I used to get so cross. It is so rude. People like this rely on others being polite.

my tip for “dealing “ with these sort of people was to firstly reduce contact, and then when I started to feel even more frustrated and angry, sever it altogether. Appreciate that’s not always possible if the people concerned are family members though.

Oh man, this sounds absolutely hideous. What on earth is it with these people?
Best of luck with your pregnancy, I wish you very well. No doubt your 'friend' will go on and on about not being told about it until the baby is born. Then would be the perfect time to tell her that her head is so far up her arse that her ears are permanently closed off to anyone who might still want to talk to her.

Thanks so much @Beseigedbykillersquirrels Everything is fine so far but it’s hard to have confidence in the process when it’s let me down so many times before. Going for an early reassurance scan in a couple of weeks so I’m hoping we feel better once we’ve seen a heartbeat.

You’re right that she’s exactly the type to get upset about being kept out of the loop. Maybe that would be a good opportunity to tell her how it is. Something’s got to give, otherwise my head may explode 🤯😅

Christmas with my grandma was awful, we had to take it in shifts to be in the same rooms as her because when we were all together no one else could just chat. It’s like she has no idea how to be in company without dominating the entire thing. My sister and I hid in the living room while my poor BiLs parents got talked at for well over an hour about people they had never met, BiLs dad eventually escaped and found me and my sis (and our husbands) and he was incredulous at how much she could talk. We’d warned him but he had no idea. He completely understood why we were all in hiding.

I don’t know how other people deal with it but for us it’s literally as straightforward as we have to reduce all contact with her. Which feels harsh. She’s an old woman on her own. But for your sanity. You have to distance yourself.

Just had this tonight actually.

I started to tell a friend about my son who has a business idea that will hopefully get big investments soon.

He was panting to join in, so he told me about a business idea that he was asked to invest in (he's always been skint) which was to attach a camera to a hot air balloon and stream the footage to the computer in the big of the balloon where someone would stand. So - he says - an early version of a drone.

I asked when this magnificent invention was made (man in his office had 'invented' it) and he said it was in the 1970s. Oh yes, that time of computers small enough to go into a hot air balloon, and cameras which could be attached to a fucking hot air balloon, and above all wireless everything.

But he was happy then that he'd contributed - I said one sentence about my son and had to listen to that crap for 20 minutes.

I think I attract people like this because people think I am ‘quiet’. I’ve put the kibash on all these relationships. I knew everything about them, they know nothing about me because I was their sounding board and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I basically cut off all these relationships because they were worse than no relationship at all!

I had a friend like this. We tended to meet in a small group and she’d arrive talking and just would not stop. If she ever paused for breath and someone else started to talk, she’d either interrupt, usually to change the subject back to herself, or she’d take out her phone and ignore us. She’d become so engrossed in what she was doing and tuned the rest of us out to such a degree that she’d start a new conversation while someone else was speaking.

It got so bad that, even though I considered us to be very close, I felt I couldn’t tell her important information about myself for fear that she’d either interrupt me or she’d turn the conversation back to herself to explain why something she’d experienced was so much worse. She once told me she knew exactly how I felt when my dog died because her relatives dog had recently died and then went on a long monologue about herself, I didn’t get to talk about my dog at all! She still doesn’t know about my Dad’s cancer or my miscarriage and these happened more than 5 years ago!

I stupidly decided to open up and tell her something really personal and upsetting. We met up and after about an hour or her talking I started to explain what was going on with me. Within seconds she’d completely brushed me off and told me a completely unrelated story about herself and continued until we went out separate ways at the end of the evening. That was the day I realised we were no longer friends.

She’s quite possibly the most self-absorbed person I know and the worst thing is, so considers herself to be completely selfless.

Does anyone get paranoid that maybe they're like that too but don't realise because others are so extreme (eg for me nearly my whole immediate family is like this) that you have picked up some 'fleas'?

I can be keen to contribute or interrupt to add something but I will then say sorry, I interrupted, you were saying... (and I remember what they were saying and where they left off). I know this is nowhere near like my Dad's monologuing or my sister's ability to just completely talk over you if you want some air time but I still worry a bit. I do like to talk and I'm probably so amazed to be given some air time finally that I risk going on a bit.

Out of interest has anyone had a very blunt discussion with these people about how they are? If so what was the outcome?

By blunt discussion, I mean something along the lines of. "I think you speak too much and don't listen to me. It's really rude. Conversations should be 2 way, with people talking a fairly equal amount of the time. With you, I never get to say anything."

Background: it's getting to the point where I am at my wits end with a family member. Rather than cut contact, I am thinking of having this blunt conversation as a last chance to keep a relationship.

@IceLace100

Out of interest has anyone had a very blunt discussion with these people about how they are? If so what was the outcome?

By blunt discussion, I mean something along the lines of. "I think you speak too much and don't listen to me. It's really rude. Conversations should be 2 way, with people talking a fairly equal amount of the time. With you, I never get to say anything."

Background: it's getting to the point where I am at my wits end with a family member. Rather than cut contact, I am thinking of having this blunt conversation as a last chance to keep a relationship.

I've had this conversation many times with my mother. It might stop her in her tracks for a nanosecond but then I'll get "without cutting you short" and then she'll proceed to do just that.

The other thing she'll do, in a group of, say, other family members who are talking together, or actually to HER, is she'll start a completely different conversation which is nothing to do with anything being discussed, including the person talking directly to her.

It may well be to do with anxiety or the fact she refuses to wear her hearing aid - though I'd have hoped the fact someone is looking at her whilst talking to her would be a clue.

I've just had an extremely frustrating conversation with her .. I'm off for a calming cuppa. 🌹

Yep; my sister does this. Her record is four hours straight one Boxing Day. She talked from the moment she arrived, all through the meal and then some. She seems to inhale food and talks while she eats. It’s not even interesting.
She ignores any attempt ti interrupt, just keeps going.
If I ever get a word in, it’s met with a brief silence, then ‘Oh’, and off she goes again.

How do you tell if someone is a bore and rude or has a social communication disorder such as ASD?

Both will monologue and not engage in reciprocal conversation. But judging from DS (ASD) there are clear differences. First the monologue will be about special interests. Not current affairs, not minutia of his day. Second, the assumption of shared knowledge - if I know something then everyone knows it - to such an extent that I have no idea what he is talking about - related to the first point because he assumes that I have detailed knowledge of his obsession. He has had social skills lessons and explicit teaching through social stories but it remains an issue.

Then there is social anxiety possibly linked with undiagnosed social communication disorder. As a child I was selectively mute. Now I struggle with awkward silence and develop verbal diarrhoea. If I speak and then there is silence I will repeat myself. Or try and cover it with a joke where I am the butt. I cringe and ruminate.

World away from being rude and entitled.

My hair dresser does this, works on her own in salon, watched her do it to other customers as well as me, gets aggressive if you don't immediately agree with her and facilitate the next 10mins of monologuing....possibly a peril of working for yourself, by yourself and having a captive audience. I am considering iPods for my next visit....

Not so sure about hairdressers, but surely dentists can be forgiven for having monologuing down to a fine art ...

My mother does this. Broadcasting rather than conversation. Its as if everything she thinks has to come out through her mouth. Sometimes its the exact same words or phrase. I think she is reaffirming her own thoughts to herself in some way.

Usually I just sit and say yet every now and then. I wouldn't put up with it from a friend though.

I have a very old friend who does this. It’s exhausting tbh and she has lost a lot of friends as people just get tired of being talked over.

It’s a shame as she’s bright and entertaining but spending your time constantly waiting for a gap in the conversation is so draining.

I don’t think she knows she’s doing it. Some people just lack the radar that tells them they are boring others.

Maybe this is something we should teach our kids? Conversational skills? Since a lot of people seem unaware they're doing it.

Or a new school subject to be introduced? Could be part of 'Social skills' perhaps. Sorry teachers! Maybe not.

My DH is a bit like this tbh. His favourite conversation topic is himself and his work. He works in a completely opposite field to me and totally opposite field to anything I’d ever be interested in so I’m actually not that interested in his work, it isn’t something I’m remotely knowledgeable about. He tends to just talk at me a lot of the time and I can’t get a word in edgeways. I zone out a lot nowadays.

@Pemba

Maybe this is something we should teach our kids? Conversational skills? Since a lot of people seem unaware they're doing it.

Or a new school subject to be introduced? Could be part of 'Social skills' perhaps. Sorry teachers! Maybe not.

I'm wondering this too @pemba. My eldest dd is FAR more interested in talking about herself than asking questions or showing an interest in others. She's only 6 so I realise this is probably par for the course, and adults still find it charming or at least make allowances - but at what point should a child be pulled up on this?

Of course we do model conversation skills around her and gently say "why don't we ask Granny about her holiday now?" etc. Really conscious that I don't want to raise a bore!