People who monologue rather than having a conversation?

[SainsburysBags]

My sister does this. A lot.

We went for dinner and when I politely asked about it (I responded to something she was saying and looked affronted, and replied “can I finish please?”) to which I reminded her that it was a conversation, not a lecture/monologue... she very firmly replied that no she wasn’t monologuing, but nevertheless carried on and in.

Sadly I think our relationship is pretty non existent anyway (or at least headed that way) - she has a rigidity of thinking where she just won’t accept or tolerate other people’s different opinions.

Anyone have any advice?

My sister too - and it's getting worse

At first I thought it was deafness related, then possibly nervousness, and come back to the conclusion that just bloody rude.

I've spent a few longer days with her in the last few weeks. She does calm down a bit after the first couple of hours (which obviously she doesn't get to that point in a phone call, so maybe why I've noticed it more over the last year or so).
I'm amazed she has so much to talk about with regards to the amount of chatter about friends acquaintances, given that she rarely gives anyone else the opportunity to get a word in edgeways. Maybe she's only like it with me!

No advice - but keen to learn if anyone has any!

My BIL does this. When my DS and BIL come to stay he monopolises the conversation talking about his work constantly. No-one else can get a word in - and when they try to he just says "that reminds me when" and begins monologging again. It's a real shame because it means I never get to talk to my DS.

My mum does this, it's horrendous! When she's not in the room I'll be thinking of things I want to say, but she'll start talking before she enters the room to make sure that I still can't get a word in edgeways!😭

There's literally nothing worse.

One of the cleaners where I used to work did this. If you couldn't get out the way fast enough when she saw you, you'd be stuck, listening to her jaw on for ages. You could back away, saying 'anyway, must get on' and she wouldn't stop. You'd have to actually close the door in her face to get away. I still shudder at the memory. Actually, I'd be interested to hear from any self-confessed monologuers on this thread about their reactions when they can plainly see (surely?!) that people are desperately trying to get away from the onslaught.

One of my siblings is like this. They get cross if they are told to let someone else speak. They are also a bit of a bully and have upset me and DH many times with nasty comments. I’ve really enjoyed not seeing them during lockdown and plan to limit contact with them from now on!

My ds does this - asd related, and it’s obvious that he gets a big release from it, and finds it really calming.

I tune a lot of it out. But I know, by letting him do this, that I’m contributing to him not learning to read the social cues.

I don’t know how to teach him what he needs to learn, but also let him get the “brain dump” release he needs.

We don’t really have conversations as such, and these monologues about his life, and what he’s watching/reading are how we bond.

But I’m painfully aware that I’m raising a bore.

I have people who do this, family & friends.

I either raise both hands...or one to stop them mid flow, this works as words don’t.

Or, as I’ve done in the past, remained totally silent, said not a word, let them drone on and on, then gone separate ways hoping that they would notice my passive aggressive silence and realise that actually the whole get together was totally one sided. Up until now, none of them have.

Thing is, I know from experience that even if I do try to speak, interject, that they are not listening and couldn’t give a shiny shite about what I’m saying anyway.
So those folk to me are very very very low contact.

@imaginethemdragons

YES, over the years I have tried this. Say nothing and wait for them to notice, but if anything they will just say “great catch up thanks”... it’s frustrating!

I've tried saying nothing but they don't notice - in fact they enjoy the "conversation" more that way.

The snippy 'can I finish' is just rude. Imo there are people who give (long) explanations and have to reach the end of their story to be able to concentrate, if they then stop for interaction, I think that's their way and quite ok (my mind may drift a little).

But just talking and talking and talking with no intention of interaction or dialog is self-absorbed and rude. I think the only thing to do is either disconnect (daydream, make shopping lists) or be rude back after a little while saying 'ah but that's all well and good, but have you heard...' and change the subject completely.

If it doesn't work, well you spend as little time as possible one to one with them. Lots will do this and the talkers need to endlessly be heard will increase and it sort of end in a bad circle.

But minimize one to one or talk over her.

People who do this are broadcasting rather than having a conversation, it's infuriating. I had a family member who was like this, and who knew they were like this, but still kept doing it. After a while they would calm down but by that point I'd had enough anyway. I just used to brutally interrupt them in the end as I got so fed up with it and it's just rude.

Oh my god this is so familiar. I have been training someone for a couple of months over audio calls and screen sharing who is just like this.
Every time I have to listen to a monologue on something irrelevant for at least 10 minutes, usually more like 20, before we begin training. I have been telling myself that there's no visuals so he can't see any body language to give him clues about when to stop talking. Although, I'm not sure it would be any better in person!

I've tried interrupting but then he gets shirty and won't learn anything. I have to just listen before he'll get down to the training.
I have also tried insisting on starting training immediately but then he'll monologue at the end.
The only thing that works is pretending to drop out of the call and then going, 'Where were we? Ah spreadsheets' when it comes back.
Sorry no advice but I feel your pain!

I've got a friend like this. Not only does she do this, but usually it's accompanied by one upmanship. You know when you're having a leisurely conversation with friends and sometimes you just listen for a bit cos the topic isn't one you're familiar with? Well she ALWAYS manages to get in and turn it to her. It's getting to the point where I'm relieved when she's not there. I can talk, I really can. But I also know when to stfu and how conversations work. With her, you'll say something to open the conversation, then you don't get to speak again.

My father does this. I have long suspected he is not neurotypical, though he's undiagnosed. As well as family and friends, he does it to total strangers, people he meets in carparks or on the street, and he seems incapable of the self-reflection needed to understand that two total strangers who are clearly on their way somewhere do not want to hear a 20-minute monologue on his dental treatment or his ham radio set, and he doesn't appear to see the very obvious signs of their boredom and attempts to get away.

I have a friend who does this. It really is headache inducing, but I tolerate it as she lives alone and has no family to talk to.

Recently, she popped in and started by actually telling me that she didn't want my input or analysis of the situation, she just want to get all out 😲,
which is hilarious given I never get to participate in our "conversations" anyway. It was a good job my sunglasses hid the murder in my eyes 😂

I very much limit my time with her these days and she also knows nothing of my life.

I used to houseshare with a woman like this when I was younger. If I was cooking she would come into the kitchen to talk at me because she knew I was trapped and couldn't leave my pans unattended.

Sometimes she would talk from the beginning of boiling the water for pasta, through the cooking, while I sat and ate, while I washed up, then shout upstairs after me until I closed my bedroom door. So draining.

Maybe you could get one of those little chess timers that you have to hit when your turn is over? Or a pomodoro as someone mentioned upthread? Or, when she's finished regaling you, say "did you know you talked for 30 minutes straight then and I didn't say a word?" She is rude so be rude back. Take your phone out and check it. Get up and go to the toilet. You have to force these people to realise you're an actual person and not a statue.

My sister does this ALL the time. And when I try to get a word in she says " you are interrupting me, that is so rude" during lockdown we would have zoom chats with my other sister who lives abraod and we would listen to her monologues for ages, Then when one of us wanted to speak, she would look everywhere else but the screen, interrupt and then get up and walk around. I often wonder doee she have ASD as she is extrenly inntelligent but judges other people " lack of intelligence" she also has an opinion on every signle thing in the media. LIke I would consider myself, well read, have a interest in what is gong on in the world but I would not know everything about what is going on in Palestine for example. She will then proceed to lecture me for an hour on all the reasons why I should know this. Yet if I wanted to talk about just say, a programme I saw on TV or something not so serious that was on social media she would judge me for "watching that tripe"
She is very kind otherwise and I guess I just put up with it because she is my sister but man, it can be soooooooooooo draining. I also feel quite nervous around her too.

Sorry, so many typos in last post. Rushing while replying. My apologies.

I think I attract people like this, cos I know loads of them.
My SAHM friend is the worst. She’s been out of the workforce for 16 years so can’t relate to anything work related, so just steers the conversation back to what she’s been doing.

Our post lockdown catch up, she talked for longer about the dressing gown she bought than I did about being made redundant. And I’d bet my first born that she doesn’t remember I was made redundant.

[quote SainsburysBags]@SummerBreeze1980 yeah that is really interesting. I wonder if it’s an ASD thing, I don’t know.

My frustration is in the fact that (for example) she was telling me about how someone at work had told her to delegate more. So, given it was a conversation and she had been speaking for a while at this point, I jumped in to say that actually I didn’t always think you could delegate in certain areas of work eg in my job / at my work, it’s more difficult. She stared at me and said “can I finish please?” - which frankly makes me feel quite dismissed! I could be anything, a wall, a piece of furniture, but she is happy just to monologue at me. She doesn’t care what my responses are.[/quote]
In that situation with a sister I'd probably say:
"Oooh, I do beg your pardon your Ladyship, do carry on".

[quote SainsburysBags]@imaginethemdragons

YES, over the years I have tried this. Say nothing and wait for them to notice, but if anything they will just say “great catch up thanks”... it’s frustrating![/quote]
The friend I mentioned above does this! During our last call I barely said a word, I added nothing to the conversation and didn't offer any thoughts when they'd finished talking.

At the end they went "I really enjoyed this, it was lovely to catch up"

Someone I knew who was always interrupting me started saying "let me finish!". When he did it to me I was wound up enough to say "Nonono, you're always interrupting!" and keep talking. He just laughed and listened, but later I heard him say him say"let me finish!" really nastily and aggressively to someone else, and I judged him hard, and we don't talk any more.

When people say you are a good conversationalist, they often mean you are a good listener ...

My MIL is a monologuer.

It's as if she's been lying in bed rehearsing a script.

She covers every minutiae of her day.

I woke up.

Rubbed my eyes.

Put my feet in my slippers.

Went along the landing, past my vanity table.

Sat down on the throne. (She thinks she's hilarious.)

Had a big wee.

Patted myself dry.

😳

She speaks in such a whiney monotonous manner.

She eventually gets to the point of what she wanted to say (she took all her light fittings down and thoroughly cleaned them) just to make me feel like I don't do enough housework.

I listen with a benign smile.

Eventually escape to make a cup of tea and I can hear her telling same story to her son - word for word.

If she isn't bragging and boasting - she's moaning and groaning. I don't think that I've ever had a conversation with her in the 36 years I've known her.

No one would ever answer the landline in case it was her.

Thank goodness for mobile phones. Don't have to answer and can message back. Strange how I'm always too busy to fit her into my packed schedule.

I had a friend who did this, but our children were friends with each other and at the same school so I had to tolerate it for a few years. As soon as they were at Secondary I dropped her. She was so boring as well, just going on and on about the minutiae of her life. She phoned me out of the blue a few years ago to meet up for coffee, but I was vague and non committal.