People who monologue rather than having a conversation?

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My sister does this. A lot.

We went for dinner and when I politely asked about it (I responded to something she was saying and looked affronted, and replied “can I finish please?”) to which I reminded her that it was a conversation, not a lecture/monologue... she very firmly replied that no she wasn’t monologuing, but nevertheless carried on and in.

Sadly I think our relationship is pretty non existent anyway (or at least headed that way) - she has a rigidity of thinking where she just won’t accept or tolerate other people’s different opinions.

Anyone have any advice?

My brother can be like that , recently I have started calling him out especially when he talks for 20 minutes straight and then when my turn comes within seconds he interrupts me
My best friend is as well and after 32 years I mentioned it and she didn’t seemed offended and I can see her trying not to cut across me now
The biggest person in my life like it is or rather was my XH, not just the endless speeches but the obvious lack of interest in listening to me beyond the most basic of sentences like dinners ready , used to really upset me

@Slipperfairy

I've got a friend like this. Not only does she do this, but usually it's accompanied by one upmanship. You know when you're having a leisurely conversation with friends and sometimes you just listen for a bit cos the topic isn't one you're familiar with? Well she ALWAYS manages to get in and turn it to her. It's getting to the point where I'm relieved when she's not there. I can talk, I really can. But I also know when to stfu and how conversations work. With her, you'll say something to open the conversation, then you don't get to speak again.

Sounds like someone I used to car share with on/off for 4 years. I could tell you all about both her husbands, which uni her son was at, where she went on holiday and her top 5 favourite restaurants.

She went to the cinema once and told me about it and I said "Oh yes loved that film". Her, "Who?"

Ditto re the one-upmanship. As the saying goes, you've been to Tenerife she's been to Elevenerife.

I've got the opposite: a friend who expects me to monologue.

I pride myself on my conversational skills (having grown up watching my mum exercise her unwanted dominance of every conversation made me acutely aware of when someone is bored etc!).

I realised that since this friend trained as a therapist, it's made her listening skills go pathological. She wants to LISTEN all the time. If I don't give extended answers to her questions, she prods for more. If I ask her questions, I get a brief answer that's quickly reflected back to me.

I so relate as I have several family members like this including my sister too.

When I go to visit my parents I can have both of them talking at me about different things at the same bloody time. It’s exhausting and I can come away realising they never asked how I was or showed any interest at all even if I have major things going on.

I have a friend who can chatter away at me and tell me the same story but she knows she does it and can take me interrupting and saying you’ve told me this. With my dad though you can literally say yes I know, you’ve told me this, yes you’ve said etc and he just keeps going.

I love my family but they’re exhausting and my sister seems to think she is royalty.

She wants to LISTEN all the time. If I don't give extended answers to her questions, she prods for more. If I ask her questions, I get a brief answer that's quickly reflected back to me.

🤣🤣 that's even worse, I would feel like I was on a shrink's couch all the time. And btw that just as bad non-interaction 🤣.

My FIL once spoke for a full 90 minutes about a 60 minute documentary he'd watched on a king being dug up in a car park in Birmingham. How could it be longer than the actual program....?! There's no deflection or deviation possible, if you try to intervene, he will simply return to his story.

I also have a friend who starts a story, than ends up going further and further back from the start of the incident (providing background) until the finish line seems almost unreachable.... that said, she's a lovely friend so I listen happily.

My husband does this, it's annoying because he'll pause for breath and I'll try to get some words in but he always says I haven't finished. For a while he started going back to the start of whatever he was saying. For instance he came in here at lunch time to give me a 10 minute monologue about some very distance relatives. I mainly ignore him now.

This thread has made me realise just how difficult it is to get social interaction right with another human being.

My DH does this too it drives me nuts. He has definitely got worse as he has got older.

I notice it more now too as we have both been wfh since last March. I do call him out on it but it makes no difference. Mostly I just tune him out.

My husband does this when drunk.

At first I thought he wanted a conversation and I tried to join in.

Then I came to realise he wanted to wang on to an audience so I just listened.

After some time I got bored of listening so I started nodding and going mhmm at regular intervals while browsing the net.

Now I just go to bed and pretend to be asleep.

I have told him many times. He laughs and apologises when sober, but it doesn't stop him next time.

Funny thing is, when sober (which is most of the time) he barely talks. He's not chatty and neither am I. If he was just like it, all the time, I'd be serving 25 to life.

You should set a timer and see just how long she goes on for then tell her when she finally shuts up. The relationship is fucked anyway so you might as well go out with a bang.

Why do we put up with people who do this? If we are forced to sit and politely nod and listen to their endless monologue, but when we try to get a word in edgeways they go all suddenly disinterested?
A woman at work does this to me...endless chat about what she did over the weekend, in depth description of each meal she cooked etc. Never asks me a question, just wants to talk about 'me,me,me, herself'
When I try to interject with something she looks totally disinterested and I can cannot wait to turn the conversation back to herself.

Less or no contact is my suggestion.

Reminds me of my previous address and the man who talked to the train as it arrived each morning, comments such as 'you're late' or 'you need a wash'. Come an RMT strike and it was a bus journey to get to the nearest alternative. On the bus the man gets on, spots someone they know, and the conversation (one-sided) was him all the way for at least ten minutes.

My grandma does this. Being in her company is exhausting. I make allowances as since my grandad died 5 years ago she’s on her own but dear god it’s hard work.

It makes you not want to be around her as she just talks at you, you have to steel yourself to be in her company. She tells the same stories over and over again, usually involving people you have never met, or ones you met once 30 years ago. She never asks you about yourself but then moans to other family members during her monologues that you never get in touch to tell her stuff. That’s because if o want to ring you to say I’ve passed my masters I have to make time in my schedule to impart my 10 seconds of news followed by 40 minutes of why Bob from down the roads granddaughters husband cut his grass in the back but didn’t bother to do the front, seamlessly segued into a moan about one of my cousins/uncles/ aunties and back into a story about her cousin Doris who once narrowly avoided being bombed during the war

It’s not age either. She’s been like this for as long as I’ve known her.

You see it on here.
People who never post anything funny, an interactive observation. Just reams and reams of their opinion. Usually with links.

I wonder if those posts are for the sense of feedback or the sense of feeling heard mentioned upthread, HelloMissus? My first thought when someone dominates the conversation is that they are lonely but I've realised that it's far from the only reason that people are set to broadcast a wall of sound at you!

I will try the feedback/heard angle with a friend of mine who does this. I come away from meetings with them quite frustrated at times, they even manage to dominate the conversation in groups and interrupt anyone daring to talk about themselves! They know they do it, they just don't want to stop.

I’m in two minds here. If your sister is genuinely just talking constantly about herself and showing no interest in you or your news, of course that must be irritating and draining. But are you sure you’re actually letting her speak rather than diving in the second you’ve thought of what you want to say, regardless of whether she’s still talking? For someone to actually say ‘Can I finish, please?’ like that suggests a degree of ongoing frustration; like this has happened before. It’s all very well saying ‘But it’s a conversation, not a lecture’ - but part of a conversation involves listening to the other half of it, rather than deciding that half is over because you want to speak now.

I realised that since this friend trained as a therapist, it's made her listening skills go pathological. She wants to LISTEN all the time. If I don't give extended answers to her questions, she prods for more. If I ask her questions, I get a brief answer that's quickly reflected back to me.

I find this very interesting, as I also have a friend who retrained as a therapist who does the probing thing. However, she does it without the listening bit! She jumps in and talks over you, as if the moment she thinks of something, she has to say it and can’t stop herself. I was telling her about a battle I’d had with a travel agent to get a refund, and I’d barely got a sentence out before she jumped in with, ‘Well can’t you claim on your travel insurance? Have you looked into it? Have you got travel insurance?’ I know ‘Still Coughing gets her holiday refund’ isn’t exactly on a Mae West or Dorothy Parker level of anecdotal excitement, but the conversation took twice as long because I had to then explain that it never got as far as claiming on insurance and go over it again while she interjected.

People who can’t wait their turn when someone else is talking remind me of those children who tug at their mother’s arms yelling ‘Mom! Mom! Mommmmmmmm!!!!’ when they’re trying to have a conversation.

My sister is just like this. I went on holiday and met up with her and another friend when I got back. I was hoping to talk about my holiday.
Never got a chance!
My sister will talk constantly, go off on tangents and retell me stories I've told her, but she'll put a spin on them to make out she was there or it happened to her.
The best part is where she'll ask a question so you think you'd get a chance but it's just a ruse for her to monologue about something... for example: "What's your favourite song?"
Me: ... thinking for 1 second...
Sis: "my favourite song is... blah blah blah"
I have no advice as I have no idea how to stop her but just offering you my sympathy as it's exhausting.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

I appreciate the point but in this context she was explaining that there were three points to her story, point 1 etc etc point 2 etc etc - each probably was a few minutes of talking - so I jumped in at point 2 to add something. FYI I am a decent conversationalist (I am told!), I listen a lot but also interject with my POV or a relevant fact or whatever and then always bring it back to what the other person was saying (good manners right?). It felt like in this situation she wanted to say EVERYTHING and not be interrupted (like a teacher...) hence the “let me finish please” - I actually went to the toilet and then started checking my phone because she just kept talking and talking with little regard to my input or level of interest. Just sometimes feels like I could be a blank wall.

Another thing I find a little annoying is that she will often make fun of me for doing certain things (eg you talk about yourself when we catch up! Me me me) and we’ll have a good laugh, I’ll take the point and move on. But she can’t accept that she talks too much/monologues - will just be fix me with a hard stare and say “no I don’t” - wtf, what am I meant to say to that. I just tend to get drunk and shut up.

ChicChaos maybe.
But I can’t be the only one who just doesn’t read those posts

@ToDoListAddict that sounds so frustrating 😭😭😭😭 So many people who don’t know how to converse - or maybe they do but just prefer their way!!!! How do you handle it?!

@ChicChaos “They know they do it, they just don't want to stop”

Think you’ve got it in one!

@SainsburysBags

Another thing I find a little annoying is that she will often make fun of me for doing certain things (eg you talk about yourself when we catch up! Me me me) and we’ll have a good laugh, I’ll take the point and move on. But she can’t accept that she talks too much/monologues - will just be fix me with a hard stare and say “no I don’t” - wtf, what am I meant to say to that. I just tend to get drunk and shut up.

This is more a sibling dynamics situation, imo. There must be so many more examples with other things, I guess.

I would minimize contact and if you need to be together, palm her off on others. I bet she is more respectfull towards non-siblings.

@SainsburysBags My poor husband gets the brunt of it to be honest.
After a meeting with my sister he then has to listen to me moaning about her monologue session 🤣
I usually just interject her with a "wow!" Or "really?!"
Sometimes I will correct her when she's retelling my own stories back at me but sometimes it's just too much effort to be honest.
It's quite funny if we're in a group and someone else is telling a funny story because she absolutely has to be the funniest person in the group. So I know a load of over embellished stories/jokes are about to be told!

Well mine knows - they've said so (out loud, of course). I will have to think about what I can do to make them feel heard to see if it helps.

Yes, much easier to skim over a post online than when the person is sitting next to you broadcasting into your ear! I've just read an online article about how listening can be exhausting if you are the type of person to listen really well and pay attention - maybe that's why I find it so frustrating. A more complex topic than I thought!